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Original poster

Help with getting closure with ex-boyfriend who reached out to me...

109 replies

ForeverHopeful3 · 14/10/2025 03:00

I (33F) broke up with my exBF (38M) in May 2025 and I heard from him this morning asking if I wanted to see him soon and talk. I said yes and we're meeting tomorrow evening at a coffee shop. We haven't spoken to each other since the breakup.

Some background that's important: I left him in May after being together for 3.5 years because he was dragging his feet on marriage and I was basically forcing him to do get married out of my own insecurities by seeing so many of my own friends around me getting engaged/married/have kids. We loved each other deeply, I really did want to be his wife and have kids with him, etc but he never wanted that sort of lifestyle. He was okay with us staying as GF/BF forever, and he was even ok at the thought of us being "husband/wife" and living together but in name only, not legally in court. And we had arguments over this and eventually I realized it just wasn't fair to either of us for me to try to create something out of nothing, which was forcing him to marry me when he didn't want marriage. So I left.

Does anyone have any advice on tomorrow's meeting? I don't think he's going to tell me he's changed. I think he's going to try to get me to get back with him, but still on old terms outlined above, and there's no way I am going back to any of that. I want marriage with my husband who is going to love me unconditionally and will not be able to wait to marry me as soon as we decide we're both ready for that... someone who can't wait to be the father to our kids😊

My ex wasn't excited about any of that in May and I don't expect people to change.

OP posts:
larkstar · 14/10/2025 23:30

WatchingTheDetective · 14/10/2025 23:13

I'm dying to know how this meeting went!

oh, hum - has it already happened?

MrsMoastyToasty · 14/10/2025 23:34

He probably just wants a shag.

Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 15/10/2025 02:32

Update:

We met and talked for almost 2 hours in my car. He told me his side and I told him mine. We ended the conversation amicably and I said this was good closure. We'll see how life turns out for the both of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 15/10/2025 02:32

larkstar · 14/10/2025 23:30

oh, hum - has it already happened?

Show quote history

I just posted an update!

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 15/10/2025 02:33

MrsMoastyToasty · 14/10/2025 23:34

He probably just wants a shag.

This made LOL. I am celibate until marriage now. Its been going great so far.

OP posts:
TheThingOnTheIce · 15/10/2025 06:06

ForeverHopeful3 · 15/10/2025 02:32

Update:

We met and talked for almost 2 hours in my car. He told me his side and I told him mine. We ended the conversation amicably and I said this was good closure. We'll see how life turns out for the both of us.

So what did he actually want?

OpheliaNightingale · 15/10/2025 06:21

@ Men who ‘don’t believe in marriage’ suddenly do when they meet someone they actually want to marry.

oopsHereItIs · 15/10/2025 06:59

The thing is, he may pretend to have changed his mindset about marriage, he may say he wants to marry you blah blah… you need to understand that things don’t change after marriage, anything you felt off about is magnified 1000 times once you are married, and this time it won’t be just a breakup.

GAJLY · 15/10/2025 09:22

I saw your latest update. What did he actually want from you? What did he actually say? Was it to offer you a chance to get back together but under the old terms?

Ladyweathermore · 15/10/2025 09:39

OP what was the reason for him wanting to meet? What did he want? What was said?! Lots of context missing here

taxguru · 15/10/2025 12:08

ForeverHopeful3 · 15/10/2025 02:32

Update:

We met and talked for almost 2 hours in my car. He told me his side and I told him mine. We ended the conversation amicably and I said this was good closure. We'll see how life turns out for the both of us.

So a pointless waste of your time then!

outerspacepotato · 15/10/2025 13:17

He didn't even take you for a drink, you guys sat in your car?

I'm pretty much with @taxguru, he wasted a couple hours of your time. You knew each other's positions. But at least now you know your friend who was urging you to meet him, don't listen to her.

I hope you find the relationship and family you want. Good luck.😀

TheAvidWriter · 15/10/2025 13:26

He will only be checking in to see if your goal posts re marriage and children have changed. Loving someone deeply or loving what comes with you in this relationship, two very different things. He is likely to want to manipulate you back into a setting that suits him. He may even go as far to say he has changed his mind on the marriage and children front, then in a few years time, as you will be approaching 40 and nothing has happened there for you, he will dip out your relationship or you will be stuck. This is not love.

larkstar · 15/10/2025 13:53

@ForeverHopeful3 if you feel content with the way it went that's all that matters - I'm happy for you.

I still don't understand why he initiated it and how that changes anything looking forward. Did he ask you anything or was he just there to state his position in the hope that you hadn't misunderstood him and wouldn't be judging him unfairly? Did you better understand why he went 3.5 years into the relationship - having - at some point early on I imagine - understood where you wanted things to go? Did he feel the need to admit to anything in terms of misleading you - even if it was to admit his selfishness or lack of awareness by not understanding or appreciating your views and expectations about where the relationship was heading? Or was he defending himself by saying he felt you were rushing him into something he wasn't ready for?

Had he been single for a long time before you got together and got used to thinking only for himself? Was he in a relationship that he felt stifled or suffocated by and has been enjoying singledom? Is he divorced? Did you really think you were what he wanted in life?

It frustrates me hearing these stories - I don't get why, after X years, couples (seemingly) haven't communicated enough - honestly and deeply enough (and it can be hard being brutally honest sometimes) - so that each really knows what the other really wants, thinks and feels - what matters, their values, their hopes, dreams and aspirations in life - surely you have to know you are generally on the same page so that you can feel you have complete trust in someone else? You are 33 and 38 - it's not like you are 18 and 23.

So you don't anticipate crossing paths again?

I'm just thinking out loud. I hope it works out for you.

My daughter's ex didn't want to commit when she needed him to be clear about where they were headed. She's a head rules the heart girl anyway. He wasn't ready to even start thinking about how life was going to work out - he was early into a lucrative job in banking and seemed only to be thinking about his possibilities in life. She gave him a deadline of 6 weeks to decide about moving to where she was and setting up home together. She didn't hear back from him. They didn't speak for about 3-4 years - then she got a call from him - clearly fishing to find out what she was up to - she's found a really decent guy (spent 6 weeks one summer basically speed dating/interviewing guys through Tinder - she was so no nonsense and to the point) so she met her current partner less than 6 months after the non-event of a breakup and they must be 6-7 years down the line now - in their 2nd home together and with a 2 year old and a 1 month old; I couldn't be happier for her - he is very special guy who wants the same things in life. So - evidence IMHO, if you needed it, that head over heart thinking can really pay off. The ex - admitted he regretted the breakup - not just the way he wimped out - but that he was too stupid and immature to know what a precious - as in hard to find - thing that they had together; she's not heard from him since. I thought he was a nice enough guy but had been spoilt and he lived in the shadow of his father - a successful self made business man - who, frankly, didn't have enough time for his son or his wife so they divorced and his mother doted on her only child. What is your ex's background and does it shed any light on the way he has been wrt your relationship? I'm curious to know what you understand about your ex and why he is the way he is. Did you really learn anything new?

Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 15/10/2025 20:37

TheThingOnTheIce · 15/10/2025 06:06

So what did he actually want?

Show quote history

More details:

He said in a perfect world he hopes that I will give our relationship another shot. He said that he still deeply loves me, that he'll never love another person like he loved me... he said that he sees how well his brother is doing (a little younger than him, he's married with a son) and that he does want to get married and have kids, and a family. He admitted to his faults in our relationship and he did mention that he felt like I didn't love him, which I clarified that there was never a moment where I did not love the man. He said that even though he hopes I give our relationship another shot, he wants me to be happy and he said I deserve someone "better" than him... which I didn't respond to lol. In my head, I was thinking "Yes, I deserve a 6 foot 5 inch, tall, dark, and handsome billionaire who takes me on a vacation every weekend" 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 15/10/2025 20:39

oopsHereItIs · 15/10/2025 06:59

The thing is, he may pretend to have changed his mindset about marriage, he may say he wants to marry you blah blah… you need to understand that things don’t change after marriage, anything you felt off about is magnified 1000 times once you are married, and this time it won’t be just a breakup.

That's what he told me, actually. I posted another more detailed response:

He said in a perfect world he hopes that I will give our relationship another shot. He said that he still deeply loves me, that he'll never love another person like he loved me... he said that he sees how well his brother is doing (a little younger than him, he's married with a son) and that he does want to get married and have kids, and a family. He admitted to his faults in our relationship and he did mention that he felt like I didn't love him, which I clarified that there was never a moment where I did not love the man. He said that even though he hopes I give our relationship another shot, he wants me to be happy and he said I deserve someone "better" than him... which I didn't respond to lol. In my head, I was thinking "Yes, I deserve a 6 foot 5 inch, tall, dark, and handsome billionaire who takes me on a vacation every weekend" 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 15/10/2025 20:42

Ladyweathermore · 15/10/2025 09:39

OP what was the reason for him wanting to meet? What did he want? What was said?! Lots of context missing here

He wanted to meet me to tell me his side of things, I guess. I asked him what he wanted to come out of this conversation (at the very start of it), and he said in a perfect world he hopes I give our relationship another shot. He said he wants a family, kids, etc and that he can't see himself loving anyone more than he loves me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 15/10/2025 20:49

GAJLY · 15/10/2025 09:22

I saw your latest update. What did he actually want from you? What did he actually say? Was it to offer you a chance to get back together but under the old terms?

He wanted to say his 2 cents about why he did what he did and he said he still loves me deeply and hopes we can get back together. He also said he does want marriage/kids/family... I don't know. It feels good knowing he can't get over me (lmao) and also, I didn't shut him down last night because I still have feelings for him, but I have been fine without him as well. So if he reaches out to see me again, I'll play along but I am going to tell him all my non-negotiables up front and I think he's going to run for the hills. Which would be fine with me now that I know I do not need him for life to move on.😂

OP posts:
Didimum · 15/10/2025 20:50

You shouldn’t have met him at all. What a pointless exercise. Your mental energy should have been invested in fully moving on and instead you’re lending him headspace – for what aim? Who cares if he’s doing well or badly?

A 38yr old who doesn’t know if they want to marry you after almost 4yrs isn’t ever going to.

Lighteningstrikes · 15/10/2025 21:35

@ForeverHopeful3
Respect to you.

You’re a strong woman who knows her own mind. You’ll go far and you’ll get what you want.

He’s a fool, but you can’t change people (you already know that loud and clear).

LasVegass · 15/10/2025 23:05

He’s 38. When does he think all that marriage/kids/family is going to happen? He needs to get a move on.

Frillysweetpea · 15/10/2025 23:38

Well, I will be deeply unpopular but could your love for him be rekindled? If so, I'd say to him, 'Great, I love you too. Come back with a ring and we'll take it from there". It's not easy being your age and single when you want marriage and children and at least he's had the balls to admit his mistake. My colleague went through the same as you and 30 years later is still really happy with her husband. We all know men take longer to grow up!

Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 03:24

Frillysweetpea · 15/10/2025 23:38

Well, I will be deeply unpopular but could your love for him be rekindled? If so, I'd say to him, 'Great, I love you too. Come back with a ring and we'll take it from there". It's not easy being your age and single when you want marriage and children and at least he's had the balls to admit his mistake. My colleague went through the same as you and 30 years later is still really happy with her husband. We all know men take longer to grow up!

I do still love him, that's why I even agreed to see him in the first place :(

But, that is just too ballsy for me to say lol. If he asks me out on a date, because we ended the night by saying goodnight to each other over text, I will make it clear to him from the beginning that "Hey, I want a husband, kids, family out of this and there's no compromising on any of those things and you know what ring I want so figure it out fast" then MAYBE there's a chance for him. But the realistic side of me is laughing hysterically at the idea of him agreeing to any of it lol

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 16/10/2025 06:39

Didimum · 15/10/2025 20:50

You shouldn’t have met him at all. What a pointless exercise. Your mental energy should have been invested in fully moving on and instead you’re lending him headspace – for what aim? Who cares if he’s doing well or badly?

A 38yr old who doesn’t know if they want to marry you after almost 4yrs isn’t ever going to.

This.

WearyCat · 16/10/2025 06:40

I’d be cautious that he hasn’t found a new girlfriend and wants you back for that reason, thinking he can string you along. He may even be alarmed that you have managed to move on so well and strongly from him while he’s struggled. If he doesn’t want to mislead you, does he hope that by marrying you, you’ll look after him and do all the life/wife work that he’s having to cope with at the moment?

As you said in your OP, people don’t usually change.

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