Help with getting closure with ex-boyfriend who reached out to me...

[ForeverHopeful3]

I (33F) broke up with my exBF (38M) in May 2025 and I heard from him this morning asking if I wanted to see him soon and talk. I said yes and we're meeting tomorrow evening at a coffee shop. We haven't spoken to each other since the breakup.

Some background that's important: I left him in May after being together for 3.5 years because he was dragging his feet on marriage and I was basically forcing him to do get married out of my own insecurities by seeing so many of my own friends around me getting engaged/married/have kids. We loved each other deeply, I really did want to be his wife and have kids with him, etc but he never wanted that sort of lifestyle. He was okay with us staying as GF/BF forever, and he was even ok at the thought of us being "husband/wife" and living together but in name only, not legally in court. And we had arguments over this and eventually I realized it just wasn't fair to either of us for me to try to create something out of nothing, which was forcing him to marry me when he didn't want marriage. So I left.

Does anyone have any advice on tomorrow's meeting? I don't think he's going to tell me he's changed. I think he's going to try to get me to get back with him, but still on old terms outlined above, and there's no way I am going back to any of that. I want marriage with my husband who is going to love me unconditionally and will not be able to wait to marry me as soon as we decide we're both ready for that... someone who can't wait to be the father to our kids😊

My ex wasn't excited about any of that in May and I don't expect people to change.

If he’s not doing well emotionally, that’s probably why he’s crawling back now because he knows you’ll accept anything off him. I know this sounds harsh, but if he was at his best and able to act as an equal partner you wouldn’t see him for dust. He sounds absolutely awful tbh.

What were his reasons for not wanting to get married and/or start a family?

I would go but definitely not expect anything and agree with what everyone else has said. Have you considered what your reaction will be to any of the suggestions made hear, whatever he says, don’t commit to anything before you take time to think about it afterwards. I really don’t see the point of him wanting to meet up just to tell you he has someone else.

Hey!

I just admit I wouldn't even go - with the benefit of hindsight and having been to these kinds of things before.

Already you are on tenterhooks right? Planning what to wear, when to wash your hair? Not sleeping so soundly, checking your phone etc?

It's a waste of time.

I dated this man a few years ago who was not a great match for me and I ended it. I then invited him to dinner about a month later. It was 'something to look forward to' and 'I missed him.' In the event, it was a waste of a Saturday night, it was pointless and I couldn't wait to shoo him out of the door - because the road led nowhere, so why did I walk down it? I wasn't going to get back with him so why did I spend any more time with him? The whole thing just made me feel sad and I wished I'd gone out either my friends instead. I will never do that sort of thing again - 'the moving hand writes, and having writ, moves on' etc.

I think that is what is before you.

Even if he says, 'I am miserable without you, I want you back, I want to go back to what we had' - the fact is that you ending it was what made him say that, NOT that it was his real desire.

'Not his real desire but I'll do it if you want' - do you want to exchange your life for that? Do you want that to be the story you tell in later years to explain the choice you made in a man, when other people will be telling proper love stories? How secure do you think a love like that will be, especially when someone who really turns his head comes along? Or turns yours?

You say you are a romantic - good. Excellent. That is right. Have eyes for romance for your own life. Do not be the chaser, the one hurrying things along.

I am getting marred in two weeks and my man is 100% onboard and in fact tells me he knew three weeks after we met. His behaviour around our relationship has never been anything less than 100% committed and I can feel that in the way he touches me, cuddles me, the look on his face when he gives me a goodbye kiss.

This man has shown you who he is, and my advice is that it is not good enough (otherwise you'd have been happy) and he is going to waste your time. If things don't work easily, don't force them. I wouldn't waste my time seeing him, getting dressed up for him etc - it will be sad and pointless, and you will have to revert back to the new life that is emerging for you. I simply would not go - and stop thinking about him, stop looking backwards, learn from what you have been through and get out there living life and waiting for a better quality love affair - which WILL happen.

Yes, a part of me does miss him and I still love him. But my future is too bright to throw it all away and be with someone who doesn't value the things I do.

I think meeting him won't do you one bit of good. One meeting isn't going to heal your emotional wounds you were left with. This guy isn't going to give you the happy little family life you want. That's why you split. Has he done any work at change, like therapy? No? At heart, the two of you are incompatible because you want different things from life.

Your friend did you no favour on getting you to talk to him. This is not what putting things behind you and moving on looks like, having sad meetings with your ex. That doesn't build the future you want

He expects you to listen to his problems and be his emotional soother. He might try to get you back. He might say things you want to hear him say. But he wants something from you, that's why he's meeting you when he's not in a good place.

I'd back out and leave him in the rear view mirror.

If I were you I would listen to what he has to say but not say anything back, just say uh huh and that you need time to think about whatever he says.

Separate note, if his family are crazy it's a very bad idea to marry him.

It's clear from your message you are half hoping he's going to have changed his mind, by the way.

If you actually want to marry him, despite the family, then cancel the meeting. Tell him it's too painful for you because you are trying to move on with your life, which is hard when you still love someone it's impossible with.

Cancelling it will make him try even harder.

You sound very strong to have binned him. Well done.

Are you hoping he will have changed his mind?

I personally think just don’t meet him. You’ve progressed a lot since May. This could be a step back.

"Does anyone have any advice on tomorrow's meeting?"

Yes. Don't go. It's not going to bring any closure. It's just going to reopen the wound. You'll still be left wondering what if he messages me again one day or worse still, you might get back together and find yourself in exactly the same position a few years down the track.

This isn't a romantic comedy. It's real life. Be realistic.

Dont go. He is who he was when you left him and if by any chance he says what you want to hear... hes either lying to buy time or hes going to try and sacrifice what he wants so youre happy and either youll never have kids or youll have one and itll feel like youre a single mum because he will resent living a life he doesnt want

You were right to leave. No one is terrible here but what you want is incompatible. So just text him and say im sorry but nothings changed i dont see the point in coffee. And dont go

He's an ex for a reason. Don't meet him.
As pp, you don't get closure.

Given the reasons for the break up, his low-stakes (for him) text invitation and ‘flying monkey’ behaviour from your mutual friend wouldn’t suffice for me to speak to or meet him. Unlikely to help you at all.

I had an ex (dated a year or so and we’d broken up way before any long term commitment was on the cards) wanting to meet up in person after a few months with no contact, turned out he wanted to tell me he was dating someone new ‘to tell me in person’. We had one or two vague acquaintances in common. I declined his invitation to meet. Pointless!

Also an ex (who I’d wanted to marry and who’d dumped me after several years) who a mutual (female) acquaintance reported seemed ‘really upset’ post break up - I maintained no contact and was irritated with her. he got together with and married one of the women’s close friends, another whose should he had cried on!

Given the reasons for the break up, his low-stakes (for him) text invitation and ‘flying monkey’ behaviour from your mutual friend wouldn’t suffice for me to speak to or meet him. Unlikely to help you at all.

I had an ex (dated a year or so and we’d broken up way before any long term commitment was on the cards) wanting to meet up in person after a few months with no contact, turned out he wanted to tell me he was dating someone new ‘to tell me in person’. We had one or two vague acquaintances in common. I declined his invitation to meet. Pointless!

Also an ex (who I’d wanted to marry and who’d dumped me after several years) who a mutual (female) acquaintance reported seemed ‘really upset’ post break up - I maintained no contact and was irritated with her. he got together with and married one of the women’s close friends, another whose should he had cried on!

OP, don't get sucked back in.

I can understand your curiosity OP, but even if he offers you everything you want, please don’t do anything hasty

If it were me, I'd not go and continue to be non-contact with him. 5 months is a long time. You left him for a reason! Even if he's changed his mind, he still showed massive disrespect to you for not moving on to what you wanted, which was marriage. If he's wanting to meet you to tell you he's moved on and got a new partner, so what? That's playing with your head and trying to make you jealous that he's moved on. If he's wanting to get back with you, he's missed his chance, and he probably just wants to get back and continue leading you on and delaying things - he'll probably say he's changed his mind and wants to get married, but then it will just be delay after delay and you'll end up still not married in a couple of years time whilst he continues to have his cake and eat it and continue not respecting your needs. Either way, you're better off without him and he doesn't deserve any of your head-space. You need to move on.

Your "mutual friend" doesn't appear to be much of one if she's getting involved in this and stirring everything up. If I were being kind, I would say she's looking forward to the drama.

I don't understand why you didn't reply saying "What do you want to say to me? Say it now" to avoid a probably pointless meeting.

yes, that’d be better @VickyEadieofThigh

If he wanted to get back together and marriage and was decent, he’d have found a much better way to see you in person, and well before now.

I don’t see the point in meeting him again. You pulled the plaster off, the scab is healing nicely, why pick at it?

if you do get back with him make sure he does an std test as goodness knows where he’s been sowing his oats for the past five months.

Why are you even bothering to meet h8m?

Can't you have a telephone discussion (if you need to know) about why/what he suddenly feels is so important to discuss now, five months later?

I'm dying to know how this meeting went!

I agree with those saying you don't need this - you can text him and tell him you've changed your mind and don't want to meet, that you don't need it. Why should you take all the emotional risk if you are currently in a fairly emotionally stable state? Why make everything so easy and so convenient for him? Why facilitate or prioritise his need for a meeting? Honestly, I think it's far more likely you'll feel fine about not meeting... than if you do - don't risk your peace of mind - put what you want and need above everything else.