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Original poster

Help with getting closure with ex-boyfriend who reached out to me...

109 replies

ForeverHopeful3 · 14/10/2025 03:00

I (33F) broke up with my exBF (38M) in May 2025 and I heard from him this morning asking if I wanted to see him soon and talk. I said yes and we're meeting tomorrow evening at a coffee shop. We haven't spoken to each other since the breakup.

Some background that's important: I left him in May after being together for 3.5 years because he was dragging his feet on marriage and I was basically forcing him to do get married out of my own insecurities by seeing so many of my own friends around me getting engaged/married/have kids. We loved each other deeply, I really did want to be his wife and have kids with him, etc but he never wanted that sort of lifestyle. He was okay with us staying as GF/BF forever, and he was even ok at the thought of us being "husband/wife" and living together but in name only, not legally in court. And we had arguments over this and eventually I realized it just wasn't fair to either of us for me to try to create something out of nothing, which was forcing him to marry me when he didn't want marriage. So I left.

Does anyone have any advice on tomorrow's meeting? I don't think he's going to tell me he's changed. I think he's going to try to get me to get back with him, but still on old terms outlined above, and there's no way I am going back to any of that. I want marriage with my husband who is going to love me unconditionally and will not be able to wait to marry me as soon as we decide we're both ready for that... someone who can't wait to be the father to our kids😊

My ex wasn't excited about any of that in May and I don't expect people to change.

OP posts:
Lennonjingles · 16/10/2025 06:48

I think he wanted to meet up and see whether you’ve changed your mind on marriage or children, so it’s good you met up and have seen that he hasn’t changed his mind, at least you now know.

OchreRaven · 16/10/2025 07:11

Even if he’s willing to give you the things you want now — marriage and kids, I would be very cautious about committing my life to someone who only did those things under duress. Having a family is hard work, especially with young children. It’s really rewarding but if he never wanted kids the sleepless nights and self sacrifice you have to do as a parent will build resentment. This happens even when both parents wanted kids. If you go forward with him be prepared to be a married single mum.

gottamoveon · 16/10/2025 07:23

I wouldn’t walk away from this, but I would be very upfront with your timescales for marriage if you do rekindle your relationship. He does sound sincere and he’s had a lot of time to think. He’s not under duress - he’s got a free will and this is what he’s chosen to do.
It’s hard dating in your thirties and if you want kids, you’ll need to find someone else fairly quickly, if it’s not him, so that you’ve got time to really get to know each other before a big commitment.

MeetMyCat · 16/10/2025 07:37

gottamoveon · 16/10/2025 07:23

I wouldn’t walk away from this, but I would be very upfront with your timescales for marriage if you do rekindle your relationship. He does sound sincere and he’s had a lot of time to think. He’s not under duress - he’s got a free will and this is what he’s chosen to do.
It’s hard dating in your thirties and if you want kids, you’ll need to find someone else fairly quickly, if it’s not him, so that you’ve got time to really get to know each other before a big commitment.

This. If you really want to be with him, then don’t walk away but if he doesn’t deliver as per YOUR timetable, then he’s had his chance

Dozer · 16/10/2025 08:13

He’s not offering you very much here, is he?

You’re 33 (and he’s 38) and dated for 3.5 years. He still isn’t offering marriage. Uncertain if or when he might. Risky for you to spend more time on him IMO.

Dery · 16/10/2025 08:18

@ForeverHopeful3 - hard agree with @gottamoveon and @MeetMyCat. I know a couple who split for similar reasons after a few years together. After several months, the man (my friend) realised that he’d allowed himself to lose a wonderful partner. He asked if they could get back together. She agreed but said there had to be a brisk timeline to marriage or she was done, and he agreed to that. They’ve been very happily married for decades. If you still love this man and your relationship was otherwise good, it might be worth exploring this further.

lovecookiedough · 16/10/2025 08:24

Ive had an ex trying to come back to me for something even more casual, just be prepared to walk away and it can be very unsettling experience.

Brightbluesomething · 16/10/2025 08:40

Slightly worrying the number of PP’s encouraging you to be taken in by this timewaster again. He’s likely wanted to meet because he’s gone out to pull and had no luck. So the easiest thing to do is to string you along for a bit longer. Requires little effort except a bit of future faking and you’re back where he wants you. Still not getting what you need.
The goodnight texts are a slippery slope….
I know all too well how difficult it is when you want different things and they say whatever you want to hear, then do nothing.
Find someone who wants marriage and kids. He doesn’t. You’ll always be dragging him to every milestone and doing the heavy lifting of the relationship.
He sounds lazy and you’re being taken in, again.

Irenesortof · 16/10/2025 09:05

Don’t meet him again OP. What can he say that will give you closure? He doesn’t want to marry you or have kids but was only ever offering to be your boyfriend. Maybe one day he’ll fall in love and marry someone else. Focus on getting over him.

Awrite · 16/10/2025 09:33

It sounds like you are going to take him back. I hope it works out for you, I really do.

However, please remember how well you were doing on your own without him.

He may want you back for any number of reasons. I'm not convinced that it's because he now wants marriage and kids.

It may be because he wants to be the one to end things, to bring you down a peg or two.

Frillysweetpea · 16/10/2025 10:24

ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 03:24

I do still love him, that's why I even agreed to see him in the first place :(

But, that is just too ballsy for me to say lol. If he asks me out on a date, because we ended the night by saying goodnight to each other over text, I will make it clear to him from the beginning that "Hey, I want a husband, kids, family out of this and there's no compromising on any of those things and you know what ring I want so figure it out fast" then MAYBE there's a chance for him. But the realistic side of me is laughing hysterically at the idea of him agreeing to any of it lol

Show quote history

But what have you got to lose? Do it! Just tell him to put his money where his mouth is! Give him a short deadline. If he is serious he'll turn up with the ring. If he doesn't you haven't lost anything although you would have every right to want to tear his eyeballs out for bothering you in the first place. You want closure? This is the way to get it, one way or another.

ChristmasFluff · 16/10/2025 14:34

Bloody hell, if he was doing anything less than turning up at my door with a ring and the church already booked I've have no truck with him.

He's tried dating, has failed, and wants to keep you on the back-burner, OP.

If he really meant what he said, he'd have proposed there and then. If you really mean that marriage and children is what you want, then leave this time-waster in the bin and get looking for someone who wants the same.

At the moment, you are saying you want marriage and children, and then wasting time with someone who has been very upfront that he didn't want that. Even losing you hasn't made him change his mind - because he knows what you want, and he always did. but he thinks you will want him more. And at the moment, you are proving him right.

Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:14

WearyCat · 16/10/2025 06:40

I’d be cautious that he hasn’t found a new girlfriend and wants you back for that reason, thinking he can string you along. He may even be alarmed that you have managed to move on so well and strongly from him while he’s struggled. If he doesn’t want to mislead you, does he hope that by marrying you, you’ll look after him and do all the life/wife work that he’s having to cope with at the moment?

As you said in your OP, people don’t usually change.

Well he told me he does want to get married and have a family, and he only sees himself doing that with me. I didn't shut him down, in fact I even told him that I still have feelings for him, but that our lifestyles were incompatible.

If he wants me back, he's going to have to really step up his game because I am definitely not putting up with the same low effort behavior he was giving when we were together.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:17

Lennonjingles · 16/10/2025 06:48

I think he wanted to meet up and see whether you’ve changed your mind on marriage or children, so it’s good you met up and have seen that he hasn’t changed his mind, at least you now know.

Perhaps, but he told me that he does want to get married and have a family, and he hopes I'll give our relationship another shot, which I didn't shut down the possibility of that.

But if he wants me to come back, he's going to have to work a lot harder to convince me that he's serious about this.

I still love him but I can find another man to love eventually. I'm the one that's hard to replace hehe 😉

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:20

OchreRaven · 16/10/2025 07:11

Even if he’s willing to give you the things you want now — marriage and kids, I would be very cautious about committing my life to someone who only did those things under duress. Having a family is hard work, especially with young children. It’s really rewarding but if he never wanted kids the sleepless nights and self sacrifice you have to do as a parent will build resentment. This happens even when both parents wanted kids. If you go forward with him be prepared to be a married single mum.

Well sometimes some people don't realize what they have until it's gone right? So if he realizes that and has truly changed his mind about remaining a bachelor forever, then I'll try giving us a second chance because I still love the fool.

But I told another poster this, if he wants me back, he's really going to have to put in the effort. I'm certainly not reaching out to see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:25

gottamoveon · 16/10/2025 07:23

I wouldn’t walk away from this, but I would be very upfront with your timescales for marriage if you do rekindle your relationship. He does sound sincere and he’s had a lot of time to think. He’s not under duress - he’s got a free will and this is what he’s chosen to do.
It’s hard dating in your thirties and if you want kids, you’ll need to find someone else fairly quickly, if it’s not him, so that you’ve got time to really get to know each other before a big commitment.

I don't think I gave him the impression that I'm walking away for good... In fact, I told him that I still have feelings for him too. And if he reaches out to see me again, I'll say yes, but that's when I'll "lay down the law," so to speak 😅

But I'm not going to reach out to him first and he's really going to have to step up his game and convince me he's serious this time around.

And yes, dating is hard! I've gone on a few dates with different men since leaving him, and most of them were great, but not for me unfortunately.

I'll find my person soon enough. I hope😬🥲

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:27

Dozer · 16/10/2025 08:13

He’s not offering you very much here, is he?

You’re 33 (and he’s 38) and dated for 3.5 years. He still isn’t offering marriage. Uncertain if or when he might. Risky for you to spend more time on him IMO.

He said he wanted everything that I left him over... But no, he didn't offer anything more than words, which hold no value to me.

I left the door open for him, it's up to him to do what he needs to to be in my life otherwise I'm going to find someone else and that door is going to be shut forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:29

Dery · 16/10/2025 08:18

@ForeverHopeful3 - hard agree with @gottamoveon and @MeetMyCat. I know a couple who split for similar reasons after a few years together. After several months, the man (my friend) realised that he’d allowed himself to lose a wonderful partner. He asked if they could get back together. She agreed but said there had to be a brisk timeline to marriage or she was done, and he agreed to that. They’ve been very happily married for decades. If you still love this man and your relationship was otherwise good, it might be worth exploring this further.

If he wants to come back in my life, all he has to do is ask me out on a date because I left the door open for him. I even told him that I still have feelings for him which I do but I can develop feelings for other handsome men lol

He's going to have to put in the effort to show me that he's serious about me otherwise it really is his loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:36

Brightbluesomething · 16/10/2025 08:40

Slightly worrying the number of PP’s encouraging you to be taken in by this timewaster again. He’s likely wanted to meet because he’s gone out to pull and had no luck. So the easiest thing to do is to string you along for a bit longer. Requires little effort except a bit of future faking and you’re back where he wants you. Still not getting what you need.
The goodnight texts are a slippery slope….
I know all too well how difficult it is when you want different things and they say whatever you want to hear, then do nothing.
Find someone who wants marriage and kids. He doesn’t. You’ll always be dragging him to every milestone and doing the heavy lifting of the relationship.
He sounds lazy and you’re being taken in, again.

I think everyone means well! I did agree to meet with him and I wouldn't have done that if I was completely over him and/or with someone else.

One of our friends did tell me that he went out with one girl since I left him, but it was a total flop lol Dating is not easy, especially for men! I've gone on a handful of first dates, all with handsome, successful men, but none of them fit the bill for me. But because I'm having some luck at least getting dates, I'm hopeful I'll find someone special eventually🙏🏼🥲

When we were together and I'd bring up things like marriage and kids, you're right, he would ALWAYS say all the right things to shut me up, then by the next weekend, it would be like we never had that conversation. It was exhausting!

So if he wants me back, it's not like I shut the door in his face because I didn't. But he's really going to have to step up his game a lot to convince me that he's serious about things this time around.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:43

ChristmasFluff · 16/10/2025 14:34

Bloody hell, if he was doing anything less than turning up at my door with a ring and the church already booked I've have no truck with him.

He's tried dating, has failed, and wants to keep you on the back-burner, OP.

If he really meant what he said, he'd have proposed there and then. If you really mean that marriage and children is what you want, then leave this time-waster in the bin and get looking for someone who wants the same.

At the moment, you are saying you want marriage and children, and then wasting time with someone who has been very upfront that he didn't want that. Even losing you hasn't made him change his mind - because he knows what you want, and he always did. but he thinks you will want him more. And at the moment, you are proving him right.

He's in the bin, alright! But I didn't slam the lid down yet on his head😅

I want him back with the ring and church booked, but I know that's far from our reality. I'm one of those people who always think "never say never" so that's annoying in this situation 🙄

But I'm not going back to him unless he shows me major effort, plus the ring. The realist in me knows its not going to happen, which is why I'm glad I left him in the first place.

The loneliness sucks sometimes, but I'd rather be lonely than compromising on my future with someone who supposedly loves me.

OP posts:
taxguru · 16/10/2025 15:45

ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:14

Well he told me he does want to get married and have a family, and he only sees himself doing that with me. I didn't shut him down, in fact I even told him that I still have feelings for him, but that our lifestyles were incompatible.

If he wants me back, he's going to have to really step up his game because I am definitely not putting up with the same low effort behavior he was giving when we were together.

Show quote history

As another post rightly says "if he was doing anything less than turning up at my door with a ring and the church already booked I've have no truck with him." I agree with that. You've known each other long enough, no need to start "dating" again for a few months before he proposes and you start organising the wedding. Insist on that BEFORE you start dating again with a specific/short timescale. Don't waste any more time on him without proper commitment. Give him an inch and he'll take a mile.

Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:51

taxguru · 16/10/2025 15:45

As another post rightly says "if he was doing anything less than turning up at my door with a ring and the church already booked I've have no truck with him." I agree with that. You've known each other long enough, no need to start "dating" again for a few months before he proposes and you start organising the wedding. Insist on that BEFORE you start dating again with a specific/short timescale. Don't waste any more time on him without proper commitment. Give him an inch and he'll take a mile.

Show quote history

That's very true. IF he asks me out on a proper date, that's when he's going to hear it all.

I want the ring and wedding before the end of the year. And that's when he's going to run for the hills if he's the same man I left in May lol

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 16/10/2025 16:24

ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 15:20

Well sometimes some people don't realize what they have until it's gone right? So if he realizes that and has truly changed his mind about remaining a bachelor forever, then I'll try giving us a second chance because I still love the fool.

But I told another poster this, if he wants me back, he's really going to have to put in the effort. I'm certainly not reaching out to see him.

Show quote history

Sorry if I didn’t explain it well. I don’t doubt he has realised he wants you but does he really want to be a father? Does he want his life to change and to be responsible for other human beings, putting his needs second?

Or will he just go along with it so you stay with him? If so this isn’t the right motivator for a huge life change and could lead to him being a resentful and absent father later on.

You can’t fundamentally change someone. If he is selfish and unreliable at times, saying the right things but not acting on them — these are not the traits you want in husband. Right now it sounds like you have lots of options and could find someone who wants all the same things you do so my advice would be to carry on looking even if he does attempt to get back together with lots of promises and talk of marriage.

something2say · 16/10/2025 20:38

Hi, I am interested to see how this one works out. I can see how much you like him BUT it worries me that you are saying things like 'but I know its not gonna happen.'

That is not the right attitude. It IS going to happen for you, you just need to know with whom. Are you already writing this guy off? If so, why are you entertaining the idea? Genuine question. Doing you really not think he is up to being the man of your dreams, no worries, no fears??

My guy found my gorgeous ring himself on the internet at 4am when he couldn't sleep and lay awake all night waiting for the time he thought I'd wake up to show it to me.

I do hope your man shows you how he feels. I would not lay it out for him, I would simply be gorgeous and lush and have a wonderful time on the date and then expect the door to go and for him to be there with flowers and the ring because he can't wait any longer. There's no way you should lead him to it fgs. My guy told me to be ready for 4pm one Friday and he hired a place close to our hearts and they let us in and gave us space and he proposed in front of an altar with a speech.

If this guy is not good enough for you all by himself with NO pushing or begging from you, is he really good enough for your life? I know you loved him but be careful. I have found that, when things falls apart despite me being desperate to hold them together, and then I do get them back together, they just fall apart again further down the line.

Dery · 18/10/2025 10:56

@ForeverHopeful3 - totally agree that the ball is in his court and he needs to make serious moves. Anyway, you sound brilliant - you’re in your power over this and not allowing him to keep you dangling.