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Original poster

Oldest Trick In The Book?

36 replies

NaughtyButNice · 21/01/2005 12:24

I have been kind of having an affair with married man... kind of as in first we were friends... then we were good friends and now we're lovers. Since September he has been saying that he will leave his wife (we were just good friends at this time) First he had to save up a deposit and then it was too close to xmas and he didn't want to upset his children.

Starting to think now though that maybe he has no intention of leaving his wife, he has been "just about to leave" for 5 months and still hasn't. I believe him when he tells me that things are over between he and his wife, one of our mutual friends has confirmed this b4 I slept with him... thing is he is still living with her!

I am really tempted to finish the relationship because I find it hard to deal with him seeing me and living with his wife.

My question is do you think that I've fallen for the oldest trick in the book?

OP posts:
nnosam · 21/01/2005 12:29

hate to say so but most likely "yes", married man who have kids if they are nice dont leave the wife and kids till kid old enough to understand and defend for themselves.
i know this as have had this trick played on me.

galaxy · 21/01/2005 12:31

Yes and I hope that his wife isn't a mumsnetter. His poor family.

NameChangingMancMidlander · 21/01/2005 12:35

My question is do you think that I've fallen for the oldest trick in the book? YES

galaxy · 21/01/2005 12:35

Sorry, that was a bit abrupt but let me explain:

I fell in love with a man who told me he was separated from his wife (although living in the same house in spare room). We were living 250 miles apart at the time and he's come up to see me for weekends, took me away on a luxury holiday. I eventually left my home and moved in with him into a rented cottage. Truth? he hadn't left her at the time we started our "affair". Was looking for a way out and found me. Tried it for 3 months, became depressed coz he missed his kid and eventually beat me up and went back to her.

I wouldn't have got involved if I'd known he was still in a relationship, married or not.

hernow · 21/01/2005 12:35

YES

Caligula · 21/01/2005 12:38

Sounds like yes.

His poor wife.

Original poster
NaughtyButNice · 21/01/2005 12:51

Sounds similar to my situation Galaxy. Thank you all will stop being a mug tonight and tell him to sling his hook

OP posts:
NameChangingMancMidlander · 21/01/2005 12:51

Good on you.

Caligula · 21/01/2005 12:53

You go girl!

galaxy · 21/01/2005 12:56

Good for you - don't let yourself become his play thing.

Original poster
NaughtyButNice · 21/01/2005 13:00

I do really like him... but nearly half a year later he is still living with his wife and I feel supid. I even agree with poor wife comments as if I were her and even if we weren't getting on I'd be very hurt if my h was sleeping with someone else and living with me.

OP posts:
jumpingbean · 21/01/2005 13:08

Get out now while you still can , and before you lose your self respect.

lulupop · 21/01/2005 13:11

regardless of whether or not you might have a future together, or whether he truly intends to leave his wife, don't you think that he should close one chapter before starting on the next?

I know lots of people get caught up in extra-marital affairs (on all sides), and that they often precipitate the end of the marriage. However, I really think that if a marriage is over, it's better for all involved that it should be formally (and legally) ended before any new relationship starts. That way at least eveyonr knows what their responsibilties are, and the minimum rancour is caused. And if the affair doesn't mean the marriage is over, then you don't want to be involved anyway, do you?

IMO, either this man is a total b*stard and has been stringing you along, or, more likely, he is unhappy in his marriage and just too weak to leave without a "reason". Or maybe even too weak to leave, doesn't want to leave, but also thinks he "deserves" some fun. Either way, you shouldn't let yourself be his plaything, It's not about you, it's all about him and his wife, with you playing counterpoint to that relationship. Tell him to show you all a bit more respect and work out what it is he wants. He can't have it all.

GRMUM · 21/01/2005 13:13

Couldn't agree more lulupop.

anorak · 21/01/2005 13:16

I agree with lulupop. Never date a man who is in a relationship. Not only is it just plain wrong, but it also inevitably leads to misery for someone. It also trains you to think you don't deserve a relationship with an undivided partner, and that is awful for your self-respect.

Should you get together with this man, you would never be able to trust him. Keep saying to yourself, I can do better. Then free yourself so that when someone better comes along, he won't walk on by thinking you are not available.

franch · 21/01/2005 13:19

anorak is spot on. You can do better.

galaxy · 21/01/2005 13:37

I don't agree with lulupop on the never date someone else until your legally not married any longer. I split from 1st dh in 1996, went out with someone else for 3 months, back with dh, split again April 1998, living with someone else from Sept 98 to October 1999. Met current dh in April 2000, moved in with him 6 weeks later and married april 2001.

Filed for divorce in July 1998 and it came through July 2000. You can't sit around being lonely just coz your divorce hasn't come through.

Pagan · 21/01/2005 13:41

Yes!!!

My situation was so similar in that a guy at work was my friend, nothing more. He persisted and persisted for over a year and told everyone how much he cared for me. Eventually he admitted that his house was on the market and that once sold he and his wife would be separating. Basically he caught me when my guard was down and I was very vulnerable, and because he'd been my friend for so long, I didn't think he'd lie to me. DUH!!!

I've never seen anyone squirm so much when I confronted him with the truth after finding out his house had been sold and he and his wife had already bought another place together. I felt so sorry for her, angry with myself and lost the plot with him!

Lesson learned for me and Anorak is so right - getting involved with someone already in a serious relationship brings on too much misery for most involved.

Good luck and let us know how you get on!

weightwatchingwaterwitch · 21/01/2005 14:03

Yep, they ALL say they're going to leave their wives (who don't understand them of course!) and they very rarely do. I've watched various friends waste years of their lives waiting for shits like this to ring/text/be available for a shag and I despise the men (and women) who do it tbh. If things are that bad in a marriage then a person should leave and only THEN get involved in a new relationship imo.

galaxy · 21/01/2005 14:04

I totally agree with you www

galaxy · 21/01/2005 14:05

and so does dh who was the victim of being married for only 3 months and finding out he was being cheated on by his new wife (probably started before they married)

galaxy · 21/01/2005 14:05

His 1st wife I mean - NOT ME!!!

lulupop · 21/01/2005 15:00

Sorry Galaxy, I didn't mean one should wait for months after separating but before divorce... I just meant that if a marriage is over, the married couple should be "separated" (ie they both know their marriage is on its way to being over) before either one starts seeing other people.

secur · 21/01/2005 15:15

Message withdrawn

FineFigureFio · 21/01/2005 15:21

totally agree with www

my dad was a serial adulterer and my mum could have done without that on top of everything else she had to cope with. When i was 17 she finally kicked him out into his miserable self pitying life

he now lives with one of his 'old' mistresses and tells her to her face he doesnt love her. men and women like this are just plain selfish