Oldest Trick In The Book?

[NaughtyButNice]

I have been kind of having an affair with married man... kind of as in first we were friends... then we were good friends and now we're lovers. Since September he has been saying that he will leave his wife (we were just good friends at this time) First he had to save up a deposit and then it was too close to xmas and he didn't want to upset his children.

Starting to think now though that maybe he has no intention of leaving his wife, he has been "just about to leave" for 5 months and still hasn't. I believe him when he tells me that things are over between he and his wife, one of our mutual friends has confirmed this b4 I slept with him... thing is he is still living with her!

I am really tempted to finish the relationship because I find it hard to deal with him seeing me and living with his wife.

My question is do you think that I've fallen for the oldest trick in the book?

Just thought I would share this with you in case you were in any doubt. This is a true stort which happened to a friend of ours last September.
Female = Y and Male = X.

X + Y both married. X has 2 kids under 8. Y has 2 in their 20's. They work together and had been having an affair for 18 months (unknown to everyone else). X tells Y his marriage is a mockery, that he is not good for his kids etc etc. Y has been unhappy for a long time in her marriage is 18 or so years older than x and they decide to run away together. They leave their partners (x tells his by text message)! y tells her dh face to face. They head to Spain and y buys them a house and pays for a 3 week holiday in the Indian Ocean.

X comes back to the UK to start divorce proceedings and on his return to Spain 3 days later announces he i going back to his family.

Y is left with a house in Spain,a broken heart and a broken marriage.

The upshot of this is good in that Y gets back with her husband and they are trying to make a go of it.

Just goes to show though that the grass isn't always greener doesn't it?

I cant say I have never thought about getting involved with a married man but honestly I could not respect a man who did not have the strength & integrity to leave his wife before moving on.

How could you ever trust him not to do the same to you.

SG, I was just about to say the same thing.

Dump him and get yourself a more deserving fella

Interesting if not surprising that all the advice you've got has focused on his being married.

Actually, I think the issue is communication and trust in that.

Leaving a marriage can take time - particularly if he wants to maintain a relationship with his kids, he needs to find a way to leave that doesn't completely alienate his wife (as 'I've fallen for someone else' would).

However, if your affair is a true meeting of souls you will understand how and what is going on there. The fact that you don't sounds to me like it's really just lust and not something deeper for either of you.

In which case, yes, you should finish with him - you deserve something better than that...

So the deed is done No great argument he just asked if he could get in contact when he has got a place of his own.... I agreed that he could but not until then.

Well done and I hope he sticks to his promise and doesn't get in touch until he's been man enough to make a decision about what he really wants!

well done. you have done the right thing. here's hoping he does too, whatever that turns out to be for him. either way, you can be confident that he'll have made his choice for himself, and not had it made for him.

Just like to say - good on you if he really wants you then maybe he will leave. My aunt started an affair with a married man. Got pissed off with all his stories that he was going to leave her, but what about kids (he had two) etc. So after wrecking his car and other nasty things. She told him to decide if he wanted her or his wife. Six months later she gets a call from him - he has moved out, he has filed for a divorce, and would she like to go for a drink. Nearly 20 years later, 17 of which married and two kids they seem very happy. I know that this is a one off. But as my aunt told me, she had to be sure he wanted her and that it was his choice.

If he is finding it hard to end the relationship with his wife, you aren't making it any easier for him by continuing your relationship with him. If you stop seeing each other he will then have a real choice to make - you or his marriage. If he stays put, as much as it will probably hurt, at least you know now, rather than wasting months/years on waiting for him and making yourself unhappy. I'm quite sure you deserve better than that.

hippi - exactly it, I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me and not for any other reason. Am prepared to accept that he may not leave his wife, if he doesn't then he will not phone as he knows that mutual friends would spill the beans.

Looking forward to arranging weekends with my friends without the added complicaiton of thinking about what he and his wife have got planned!

Onwards & upwards! Have agreat time with your friends