Genuine need for space… or abusive?

[GoingOffScript]

DH reacts to conflict in a very different way to me. We’ve been together 17yrs. When there’s a disagreement between us, I like to get it “out”, discuss and try to “sort”, then move forward. He has the compulsion to go silent. He can ignore me for days or up to a week. He might move into the spare bedroom or actually go away for a week. He has a job which involves travel so, this isn’t uncommon if his silence falls in a “working away from home” time. I tell myself that he does this to create space/time to calm and think because he hates conflict. All good. Just different coping strategies. But, here’s my problem.

Before his “exit”, he always, without fail, threatens to end our marriage. This devastates me. I then have days of feeling broken, can’t eat, don’t sleep, replay the disagreement over and over in my mind, and I always approach him by email, in a state of emotional exhaustion to try to open up a dialogue. I calm the situation, he accepts he may have overreacted, always is sorry and on we go.

I could accept that his need to distance, reflect and take “time out”; work through his own struggles and then come back to discuss, is his “process”. However, the way it’s done, with the devastating impact of threat of divorce, is taking a heavy toll on my self esteem, my confidence in the relationship and my mental health.

Please be gentle in your response MNs. I do love this man and want to understand what’s going on here.

@WearyCat Its ok. It’s a long long time ago. What’s not ok is DH knowing and not seeing how his behaviour is possibly the absolute worst thing to do in our marriage.

It's not baffling. This is what abusers do.

While I'm not excusing his ex wife's affair, are you quite sure he hadn't been treating her like this prior to the affair?

I am sorry to say that your DH is cruel to you. And you seem to have bad arguments often. Is this relationship really worth it? He won’t go to counselling because he knows deep down that his behaviour is completely unreasonable.

yes I cannot imagine an instance where one partner threatens divorce and the other partner just goes about their daily business without being upset. It shakes the foundations of the relationship. And if you have experienced abandonment, it’s going to be a trigger for re-traumatisation. This is not a fault in you, it’s a natural consequence of his behaviour.
I was thinking about it this morning and you have actually done a lot more than you probably give yourself credit for because you have raised your son alone and created a stable upbringing for him yourself, so he has experienced stability (through your parenting I mean, not the having two adults part). It is time to look out for yourself. I also think it’s natural when our DC get older to start to assess where we are at, and think about what we want the rest of our lives to look like.

I found another article which is quite interesting

https://www.rootsrelationaltherapy.com/blogs-for-better-relationships/why-leave

I’d say on some level he knows very well the gravity of his actions and gets all the more power from his threats knowing he’s in an extremely safe place to be able to say this stuff as, due to your poor treatment in the past, you’re unlikely very unlikely to challenge him on it or even leave.

with regards to his kids behaviour that seems to upset him, he hasn’t identified where they learnt the approach of freezing people out as a way of control no?

sorry OP that you’re in this situation with an immature narcissist by the sounds of him. It makes perfect sense you’d be drawn to him as our patterns of relating are learnt in childhood, you would have been wired at some point to think that people leaving when things are not going their way is normal on some level.. it is not. His behaviour is controlling and abusive and leaves you not space for your feeling of validity in this relationship.
years of this will have and will continue to grind your self worth down making you question your right to your own happiness and what basic level of respect you should expect and accept in the relationship.

unless he is willing to do some deep dive work on himself I’d say you absolutely must leave, nobody deserves to feel emotionally unsafe. Talk to yourself as your own best friend and see what comes up, would you really tell your BF she deserves or should accept the way you’re being treated? X

Absolutely not. Her affair didn’t work out in that, her “boyfriend” wouldn’t leave his wife and family when it came to it. DH’s ExW then wanted to return. He hadn’t met me, at that point but he was seeing someone and had no intention of reunion. I picked up all of that and the subsequent hostility from his late teens kids because he married me. Hence his daughter’s behaviour.

@SumUp @Potatoespotatoesagain @DaffodilTuesday @PickAChew

You've given some thought to my dilemma. Thank you for that. I HAVE done a good job with my son. He’s a delightful young man and he knows, if we have a small argument (or even a big one!!) that we calm, reflect and then discuss when we’re able to. Nothing, ever, gets dragged out for days on end. I hope he takes this forward in life. I have taught him this and it’s a great lesson in how to behave. I’m proud of him. And myself.

What makes you think he doesn't see his behaviour as the absolute worst thing to do to you? Unless he's absolutely stupid, which presumably he isn't, why wouldn't he understand something so very simple and clear?

It seems to me that he totally sees how cruel his behaviour is, and he does it precisely because he knows that it's pretty much guaranteed to put you in your place, by which I mean, a place where you feel completely desperate and disempowered.

He is doing this on purpose. It's not that he just doesn't understand how cruel and abusive his behaviour is and if only you could explain it to him well enough, he would stop. He absolutely understands what he's doing. That's why he keeps doing it.

I completely agree with @wrongthinker

Op he using your ( Achilles Heel) he knows what he's doing its ABUSE,
Your childhood has given you strength op, use this now, you can have an abuse free life op, look at your son and be very proud op you sound an amazing mum,
Start looking after you op, 💐

@DaffodilTuesday
Thanks for the link to the article. It encapsulates it all. I’m not sure which category he is in but honestly, the point is, that gun has already been fired, many many times.

That is a LOT. Have you ever seen a proper therapist? There would be plenty to talk about. The idea of your husband poking the same spot again and again - the scar tissue that must have formed - is horrible to think about, let alone live through repeatedly.

It doesn’t have to be like that

Yes. I also think it doesn’t matter which category he is in, what matters is the effect on you. And the fact that he does not seem willing to change his behaviour.

@Comtesse Thing is, I don’t walk about in a cloud of doom & gloom. It’s only after repeated “pokes with that stick” that I feel myself getting smaller and less significant. I usually bounce back but, it gets harder and harder.

And all the time he is watching and noting how you are getting closer to where he wants you to be...