Genuine need for space… or abusive?

[GoingOffScript]

DH reacts to conflict in a very different way to me. We’ve been together 17yrs. When there’s a disagreement between us, I like to get it “out”, discuss and try to “sort”, then move forward. He has the compulsion to go silent. He can ignore me for days or up to a week. He might move into the spare bedroom or actually go away for a week. He has a job which involves travel so, this isn’t uncommon if his silence falls in a “working away from home” time. I tell myself that he does this to create space/time to calm and think because he hates conflict. All good. Just different coping strategies. But, here’s my problem.

Before his “exit”, he always, without fail, threatens to end our marriage. This devastates me. I then have days of feeling broken, can’t eat, don’t sleep, replay the disagreement over and over in my mind, and I always approach him by email, in a state of emotional exhaustion to try to open up a dialogue. I calm the situation, he accepts he may have overreacted, always is sorry and on we go.

I could accept that his need to distance, reflect and take “time out”; work through his own struggles and then come back to discuss, is his “process”. However, the way it’s done, with the devastating impact of threat of divorce, is taking a heavy toll on my self esteem, my confidence in the relationship and my mental health.

Please be gentle in your response MNs. I do love this man and want to understand what’s going on here.

I know it’s incredibly difficult to accept. I know there may well be reasons why he behaves this way. I know you love him. But, you are in an abusive relationship. There are no safe words. You have to find a way to accept this, and then leave.

Unless he can agree to therapy then you most likely need to accept that the future will be more of the same.

It’s very telling that his youngest daughter has mimicked his behaviour back onto your relationship with years of silent treatment - she’s obviously learnt this toxic behaviour / control tactic.

Using silence and threats to control others is abusive. Every time you return cap in hand, it enables him to continue and repeat this treatment of you.

I expect this has had some negative affect on your son too, witnessing his mother being treated so poorly.

You need to decide what is and isn’t acceptable to you and act accordingly.

My ex husband did this. Every time I raised an issue or concern, he’d threaten to leave. I was younger, financially dependent and had three young children. I ended up terrified to raise anything. We went to marriage counselling, he went twice and refused to go again as he thought the therapist was ‘siding’ with me.

when I left him he was distraught. Heartbroken. Couldn’t believe it was that bad and I’d do it to him. Couldn’t believe I’d do it. Couldn’t believe he’d ruined his life.

I’ve never looked back, and never been happier, but Im very careful about relationships with men who can’t handle their emotions or withdraw when they don’t get what they want, and I have attachment issues. Get out of there OP, it won’t get better if he isn’t receptive to help.

OP, you have listed the practical reasons why you wouldn’t want divorced. You need to go deeper to understand why his theatrical abandonment triggers and distresses you. Part of you, probably linked to the past, is really terrified of him leaving….

This could be a variety of things…. A parent who used to shut down from you in the past (or indeed did permanently leave), leaving you terrified and feeling unloveable….. or it could be that you have some deep belief about being alone… that if this fails you will be humiliated… or it means you are a lost cause or unloveable…. Or will die alone. None of these things are true, but for you to feel that distress, there is definitely a deeper resonance. Because fact if you are an adult, and you would be absolutely fine without him. You would adjust and you would probably find yourself flourishing and refinding yourself away from him.

The fact that you get triggered though is not the point, this is not about ‘fixing you’. He is at fault. He is abusive… he has found a soft spot and created a dynamic that means you are constantly in fear, chasing, compromising yourself, erasing yourself to please him, and I totally agree with the other poster, if this tactic stopped working he would find another or intensify it (eg I wont just divorce - I will kill myself).

beyond this tactic/ threatening to leave, are there really no other signs of control or the same dynamic of chasing and fear? How is he eg, when you connect with others?

Building on this…. The deep down fear may not be ‘I’m unloveable’ or ‘I’ll be utterly alone and defenceless’ it may be ‘this means I’ve been bad … I AM bad.. I am irredeemably condemned’ or ‘I’m utterly humiliated, exposed and denigrated’ or ‘I will be destroyed/taken over/obliterated’. These are the main existential fears based on child-experienced nightmares. They can have different flavours, but they tend to ultimately boil down to something existential. If you are curious, you can sit in a quiet, safe place alone some time, summon up in your mind the scenario of him threatening divorce, and then tune into to distress feeling… ask it ‘what are you afraid of? What would it mean to you? Why would that matter so much? Keep asking, and you may find one of these existential fears has more resonance than the others….. it may originate from when someone threatened to leave when you truly were dependent on them, and your child’s brain extrapolated and baked in the panic. We all have these by the way…. We are just triggered by different things. Eg I don’t mind atall when people withdraw. If anything, I relax- I feel I can breath. My existential fear is being overcrowded/ overwhelmed by intense presence (ie obliterated). (Because my dad was like that- he’d get drunk and suddenly be loud and in your face unexpectedly),,. So I feel very panicked when someone gets in my face.

Anyway, just sharing this because you are curious. I’ll say again this is not about fixing you. The responsibility for his behaviour is on him. And it’s not acceptable.

I would imagine that your husband knows that family is important to you, and that you have conceptualised this as two adults in a relationship, having been a single parent (you had a family before with you and DS).
That’s what my ex used, the idea of family as emotional manipulation, whereas your husband is threatening to destroy and abandon (although tbh my ex did this as well by leaving before he needed to for work and staying away longer than he had to, which really said family was on his terms when he needed to use the concept).

In the end, I obliterated the two adult idea of family by walking away and making the family me and DC.

Thank you @financialcareerstuff and @DaffodilTuesday

A lot to think about in your posts! I will reflect and come back.

you’ve been married to this man for a dozen years or so and this abusive behaviour started soon after you married ?

me crying and begging. Him “forgiving” and if I’m “good”, I get to stay married

he won’t change, and you cannot go on like this, so start the process of getting yourself out of this abusive situation.

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for dummies
• Family solicitor websites

Make a plan and get legal advice. File for divorce and start living without having the threat of him exploding yet again hanging over you the whole time.

Next time he does it, rather than grovelling, send an email saying “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and sadly I think you’re right. This relationship isn’t working for either of us and hasn’t for a long time. I’m going to move in with my friend/sister/personal trainer for now and when you get back we can discuss how we move forward with a separation”

and then go as quiet as he does. Call his bluff. He’s a prick.

This is who he is and if he wanted to change he would be making the effort to change. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can move the hell on from this abusive man baby.

If your son is 24 then the shape of your little family has already shifted a lot. You don’t need someone to do school run or pay for after school clubs in the same way. His threats have lost a lot of their power surely?

Is it fear of failure in a 2nd marriage that makes you so anxious/ distressed? Is someone going to criticise you for not making it work? NB it is your husband’s poxy attitude that has brought this about, not you BTW - I am absolutely not blaming you.

My ex who I mentioned above was my second marriage. I don’t think I have ever thought about it in terms of having failed twice, more like, I don’t know what a stable family situation looks like. That’s kind of lonely but not so lonely I would go back into the situation I was in. It took me a long time to get out.

My abusive XH would sneer and say "oh I'll just leave then shall I?" and pretend to walk off...whilst I smoothed things over saying "there's no need to be like that"...and it would all be over something really small where I'd dared to stand up for myself or my point of view.

Like your DH, it was completely about control. It took me ages to realise, but with the help of the girls on here, some of who are on your thread, I worked it out and knew I couldn't live like that indefinitely...and he was getting worse as he got older (we were together for 20 years).

Life will be so much easier for you without this rubbish I promise. Prioritise yourself and get shot of him.

You know, I’ve never had family or security in my life. I was left with other relatives as a baby/toddler/young child. It’s a long story. When I was born, I was given a name that had previously belonged to my older sister before my parents said “we don’t want that name”. I was passed pillar to post until I was six when I EVENTUALLY went to live with my parents. Aged ten, I went to boarding school on a scholarship (I had a talent).

My husband knew all about my lack of security growing up and my colossal fear of abandonment. So, it’s even more baffling that he knows ALL OF THAT then makes threats which he KNOWS will floor me.

I am sorry to hear about your childhood and I can see why having a stable family matters to you. I don’t remember from your posts whether you have said you are having therapy to help manage the fear of abandonment which of course is triggering. I think this is important even without your husband’s behaviour. I also think it’s important not to think that this is your fault or you are lesser in any way because of this.

I am guessing he knew your background and fears before he pulled this stunt for the first time? It does make it worse. Because I think if he was not emotionally mature and his default was to shut down and threaten to nuke the marriage because of his own issues, then that could be forgiven if it was not a pattern, but something you worked together to resolve. But what is happening is in your second post - you smile even if you are unhappy and want to raise an issue because you don’t want to trigger his reaction because it is a pattern. It’s not like he has ever said, my behaviour is deeply hurtful and distressing to GoingOffScript, I need to address it. It just carries on. It’s pre-meditated to some extent because he can catalogue the pros and cons of divorce versus remaining married. It’s like he has always got one foot out the door.

It could be possible to delve around trying to understand why someone behaves like this, but in the end, it doesn’t matter. For all the energy you put in to understanding it, you are not focusing on you and what works for you. It’s like spaghetti in your head which you need to straighten out but it’s not your spaghetti. Try and concentrate on you and what you want to do. I would say one thing is discussing your fear of abandonment with your therapist and getting strong about being on your own and seeing possibilities outside this relationship. That doesn’t mean you need to leave right away but recognising what tools you need to be able to not be floored and really quite emotionally manipulated here.

Op, this isn't a healthy relationship and I don't believe he can change as guess he must be late 40s or early 50s?

I would just flag that the distress you experience can start to manifest in physical symptoms so look out for your health.

Given your update, if he knows this happened to you in the past and does this, he is a cunt.
It's not baffling, he is showing with his behaviour how little he thinks of you.

I'm sorry about your upbringing, it made me feel really sad to think about little you being treated like that. And actually it's horrible that someone is still treating you badly.
You really need someone you can rely on not to keep abandoning you so that you can heal, he is probably just opening up this wound again and again

It's only baffling if you assume your husband is a decent person who loves and cares for you.

If you understand he's a shithead who just wants to control you and hurt you to make himself feel good, it all makes perfect sense.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

This is no way to live, so take control and end it yourself

I’m sorry for your shitty childhood.

My husband knew all about my lack of security growing up and my colossal fear of abandonment. So, it’s even more baffling that he knows ALL OF THAT then makes threats which he KNOWS will floor me.

My abusive ex knew how triggering I find the silent treatment, but he still used it. I don’t think it’s baffling that this man uses triggers to exacerbate the effect his manipulation will have on you; he’s an abusive man to you. And I’m so sorry that you have been found by one of those.

I would guess that his behaviour probably imitate his parents in some way-or he’s been allowed to do this growing up. If you still want to save the marriage counselling may be an option for you both, im undoubtedly older than you and in my lifetime, it’s only the couples who resolve conflict in a mature or positive manner that survive. Good luck OP.

Absolutely awful my ex used to do this it made me so stressed when I was pregrnant. He actually did this and left properly just before baby was born and despite the trauma of this, and the stress of single mum life, I’m so glad i don’t have him
doing this to me life is much more peaceful

op you deserve to live with someone who makes you feel safe and secure and happy, not someone who regularly makes you feel the total opposite. You will be happier on your own that living like this. There is no reason not to leave there is a whole world out there. Why not book yourself on an eat pray love style solo trip away for two weeks for space. You’ll realise this then.

I often bite my tongue and just smile through something rather than speak out and provoke the “I think we should end this relationship” reaction
dh would get one chance to say that to me and not mean it. The second time I would make the decision for him. Don’t have someone dangle that nonsense over your head. You’re in or you’re out.

I would echo others that it’s worrying that in an argument you can’t speak or you’ll be threatened with divorce and then you’re punished with a weeks silent treatment and being unable to eat or sleep. At best your dh is a selfish idiot and terrible at communication and at worst he’s abusive.
if you’re going to stay you need to speak to him about this, if you’re going to stay and accept that’s how he communicates (though you shouldn’t because it’s very unhealthy) then you need to handle it better because the rollercoaster you’re currently doing isn't healthy.

Thank you god so many replies. The consensus is pretty overwhelming.

I found this today…