Genuine need for space… or abusive?

[GoingOffScript]

DH reacts to conflict in a very different way to me. We’ve been together 17yrs. When there’s a disagreement between us, I like to get it “out”, discuss and try to “sort”, then move forward. He has the compulsion to go silent. He can ignore me for days or up to a week. He might move into the spare bedroom or actually go away for a week. He has a job which involves travel so, this isn’t uncommon if his silence falls in a “working away from home” time. I tell myself that he does this to create space/time to calm and think because he hates conflict. All good. Just different coping strategies. But, here’s my problem.

Before his “exit”, he always, without fail, threatens to end our marriage. This devastates me. I then have days of feeling broken, can’t eat, don’t sleep, replay the disagreement over and over in my mind, and I always approach him by email, in a state of emotional exhaustion to try to open up a dialogue. I calm the situation, he accepts he may have overreacted, always is sorry and on we go.

I could accept that his need to distance, reflect and take “time out”; work through his own struggles and then come back to discuss, is his “process”. However, the way it’s done, with the devastating impact of threat of divorce, is taking a heavy toll on my self esteem, my confidence in the relationship and my mental health.

Please be gentle in your response MNs. I do love this man and want to understand what’s going on here.

Abuse is what's going on, sorry OP.

There is a very black and white view of 'silent treatment' on here. You've seen it already. It completely ignores, as one poster has more helpfully offered, the 'freeze' response, and as you've already identified, the response of someone who is not emotionally intelligent/mature/literate to express how they feel. I also find it funny that many will strongly advise 'grey rock' which is basically the silent treatment.

Freeze response and grey rock are not what’s happening here. In freeze, the person is quiet and still but not necessarily silent, and it’s often accompanied by a physical retraction, quite literally into a protective position (foetal, folded over, something like that).
Grey rock is not silent either, but it is a way of responding to goading or needling behaviour which denies the other person the excuse they’re looking for to explode or punish you.

Flight response doesn’t even cover this behaviour. As pp have said, taking time out in a healthy way is usually accompanied by a brief explanation, and not an existential threat.

This devastates me. I then have days of feeling broken, can’t eat, don’t sleep, replay the disagreement over and over in my mind, and I always approach him by email, in a state of emotional exhaustion to try to open up a dialogue. I calm the situation, he accepts he may have overreacted, always is sorry and on we go

This bit shows that it’s abusive. His action hurts and devastates you, and controls you into an appeasement and, as you’ve said, changing YOUR behaviour to try and avoid provoking him. It’s no different to physical violence, its aim is to control you. It’s abuse. He knows what it does to you and he doesn’t attempt to change- he benefits from doing it and that’s more important to him than you are.

There’s a lot of responses here. Thank you!

@Titasaducksarse He usually apologises and says he doesn’t want to lose me. TBH, I’m so shaken by it that I barely take in what’s being said to me, so relieved am I that he’s talking with me. @JadziaD The underlying argument is discussed sometimes; sometimes not. I don’t was to provoke him. And yes, I feel like I am not fully myself with him because that would make me more vulnerable. @HashtagSadTimes I’d like to do counselling together; he won’t.

@EarthSight ”YOU'RE the one who is trying to resolve conflict by talking about your issues in a healthy, productive manner, and he has no interest in doing that. What he wants it to exert his upper-hand over the situation by squashing you into submission, making you afraid that he'll leave you or never come back just because you've disagreed over something.” Yep.

@AttilaTheMeerkat ”He’s probably all sweetness and light to those in the outside world and does not treat his work colleagues like this either.” Yes. He’d talk to my son, the cat, the neighbours and walk past me like I wasn’t there.

@WearyCat ”Flight response doesn’t even cover this behaviour. As pp have said, taking time out in a healthy way is usually accompanied by a brief explanation, and not an existential threat.”

This simple explanation makes me so sad. It really isn’t “flight or fight” is it? It’s easier to cope with when I say to myself “he cannot cope with his feelings, he was betrayed and hurt by his first wife’s affair etc. Yet it’s more than that. It’s a way of “being” for him.

It is possible to change communication styles. Even after such a long relationship. Ppl use methods that work for them, make them feel safe and that they maybe learnt growing up.
But together - usually with some objective outside help it’s possible to change these patterns.
once the nervous system is triggered it’s almost impossible to have a rational conversation.
So my suggestion would be to find a really good couples therapist who helps your find a way together to approach difficult conversations in new and more constructive way.
It will make both of your feel closer and happier. They can also help you build connections in other ways and take time for each other.
Most arguments don’t have a solution. but you don’t have to agree to have a calm and happy relationship where you both feel safe. It’s possibly that just the arguing/conflict makes him feel unsafe. But then you need to learn how to really listen to each other. Because often that’s what we are looking for. To really be listened to.

Call his bluff next time he pulls that card. Say "You're probably right - I'll book an appointment with a solicitor".

I think discussing our communication difficulties has to happen for us to go forward. He knows he hurts me/us/our marriage. I think things in his past make him react in this way; he’s not getting a kick out of it. He looks and feels dreadful. But. It’s not acceptable and it makes me feel like I can’t discuss things with him.

What @Candlesandmatches said.

Yeah, I'm inclined to think the same. Causing an argument before he goes away for work and giving you the silent treatment l. Sounds like he is doing this on purpose, do that in his twisted way of thinking, he is OK to cheat.

Next time he treatens divorce, call his bluff and say yes I agree.

You should be careful of falling into the trap of, "he isnt getting anything out of this, hdd unhappy too" or "hes not doing this on purpose". Because those statements make it hard to accept the reality. He might not ve doing it on purpose but he IS getting something out of it.... you are constantly adapting your behaviour to meet his preferences.

And deep down, whether he can acknowledge or not, he intrinsically believes that you are lesser. And that therefore tou must do what he wants.

Why haven't you answered questions about how he abandons famy or.other commitments during these episodes? Or other ways you have changed your behaviour?

Can you make a plan for how to fall out next time. Agree to have some time apart to reflect so you both don't make empty threats, have quiet space of 24hours or whatever, then check-in with each other with how you’d both like to move forward.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of. Its about power and control and he wants absolute here.

This is abuse and his need to control you. If you truly want to understand, read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. He won't change, he doesn't need to as you tolerate his shitty treatment and that makes him feel powerful. You need to decide if you can spend the rest of your life living like this.

OP, has he always done this or is it only in recent years? I ask because my exH used to do this regularly. He’d start an argument (usually at the weekend) then storm out and stay away all week. During that week he wouldn’t talk to me but I’d get the odd text saying that he hadn’t decided what he was going to do yet (ie whether he’d come home or stay away for good).

Anyway, I discovered a long time later that he’d been having an affair. I hope that’s not the case with yours.

My ex used to do this. Go away for days. During which he would be constantly texting me to inform me he was leaving me, we were no longer together etc.

The impact on my mental health was absolutely devastating. It's only now we are apart that I can fully see the harm it did me.

I doubt I will ever feel safe in a committed romantic relationship ever again. But frankly I am just relieved to be alive and at peace.

It's extraordinarily cruel, what this man is doing to you, OP. Flip the script, please. Tell him you are leaving and mean it.

Mine used to look and feel dreadful, too, when he did it. But he definitely got something out of it, or he wouldn't have kept doing it.

Your husband definitely makes a choice to do this. His legs don't involuntarily carry him away. No forcefield keeps him away from the house for a week.

Eventually you have to face the truth. Your husband is fully aware of the horrific pain this causes you, and, in full knowledge of this, he does it again and again and again.

He doesn't love you in a way that is recognisable as love by most people, though he could be obsessed with you and also do this.

It's not a comment on your worth that he doesn't love you. He is currently incapable of so doing.

Maybe healing is possible if he really wants to. But do you honestly see any sign of it?

People don't change unless they really want to. Men like this certainly won't change just because we beg them too. In fact the begging shows them the power they have.

And I bet when he comes back and starts talking to you as though nothing every happened, you are so relieved that he's speaking again that you brush his behaviour and what caused it under the carpet?

It's how you've been trained to react. 'Do as I say or I shall discipline you and make you feel so desperate and miserable that you will prostrate yourself before me to keep me happy in future.'

It's terrible behaviour. There's nothing grown up or responsible about it, it's a childish strop, leaving you feeling unsettled and not knowing what might happen next. I am another one who thinks you should take up his offer to divorce.

I agree with this.
I think it’s fine to need space and time to process upset emotions and conflict and I found it controlling when my xH refused to leave me in peace to think about something but demanded I respond and make up right away once he had got everything out his system, I felt like an emotional punchbag who was supposed to immediately forget they had been hit. It’s not abusive to want time and space to manage your emotions. But I think that is a different situation.
What is abusive here is threatening divorce and stropping off without saying something like I just need some time to myself right now and we will talk about it later. He is using the threat of divorce and the disappearing in a way which makes you fear to raise an issue in case he does it, which is controlling.

I spent years trying to explain away shitty behaviour and abuse in my relationships. Years of being understanding and tolerant and not like the other girls. No, I was far more understanding than them! So accepting of these men’s attachment issues, abandonment issues, fear of commitment, lack of experience of being unconditionally loved, so desperate to be what they needed and (deep down) wanted.

I spent years being mistreated and miserable, contorting myself into pretzels to try and be the one to ‘heal’ them, to be their home to come to. Eventually being left for someone else.

Then I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and I realised that he does it because he can, and because he gets something from it. It’s got fuck-all to do with childhood, and everything to do with being a piece of shit who likes to be indulged to behave badly.

My now DH had a miserable childhood, loads of issues, but he actually respects me enough and loves me enough that when we have a row, we communicate and we work through it. I go off walking, or he shuts me out- for a limited time. And then we talk calmly and civilly and nobody threatens divorce or self-harm or anything else. We express a full range of emotions but we don’t threaten each other.

@GoingOffScript i hope you can see and understand what I’m saying here. The issues are an excuse. No more than that.

My ex was like this. He once didn’t speak to me for 5wks. Anytime I challenged him on anything, he just didn’t speak to me. Then one day he would just start speaking to me again and expect me to forget it. When he tried the same on my eldest child (not his) that was it for me (he was 15). It is abusive.

I dated someone from work and he couldn’t cope with any serious conversations and just ignored me, before apologising 3wks later. That was short lived, but what is wrong with grown adults who can’t have an adult discussion? I am staying single as I seem to attract men who can’t communicate!

ABUSIVE

@WearyCat I get it. Thank you.

I do know, it’s about more than taking a time out. That in itself can contribute to a healthy outcome for both of us. This, is me crying and begging. Him “forgiving” and if I’m “good”, I get to stay married.

And how much is staying married worth to you? What if you call his bluff and say that if he continues to threaten to divorce you, you will have no choice but to file the papers as you cannot keep living waiting for the sword to fall?
You say in your OP that you love this man. Sadly loving someone is not enough to stop them treating you badly, and sometimes, even if you love someone, you have to be prepared to walk away because the relationship is damaging.