Genuine need for space… or abusive?

[GoingOffScript]

DH reacts to conflict in a very different way to me. We’ve been together 17yrs. When there’s a disagreement between us, I like to get it “out”, discuss and try to “sort”, then move forward. He has the compulsion to go silent. He can ignore me for days or up to a week. He might move into the spare bedroom or actually go away for a week. He has a job which involves travel so, this isn’t uncommon if his silence falls in a “working away from home” time. I tell myself that he does this to create space/time to calm and think because he hates conflict. All good. Just different coping strategies. But, here’s my problem.

Before his “exit”, he always, without fail, threatens to end our marriage. This devastates me. I then have days of feeling broken, can’t eat, don’t sleep, replay the disagreement over and over in my mind, and I always approach him by email, in a state of emotional exhaustion to try to open up a dialogue. I calm the situation, he accepts he may have overreacted, always is sorry and on we go.

I could accept that his need to distance, reflect and take “time out”; work through his own struggles and then come back to discuss, is his “process”. However, the way it’s done, with the devastating impact of threat of divorce, is taking a heavy toll on my self esteem, my confidence in the relationship and my mental health.

Please be gentle in your response MNs. I do love this man and want to understand what’s going on here.

I wanted opinions because I sometimes have a hard time knowing what is and is not acceptable, especially when he clearly doesn’t seem to be able to control his emotional reactions. It’s as if his brain needs a reset.

I have my answers, thank you all.

Only read your first post op but I'd say abusive.

Obviously if one person isn't in the space to deal with a conflict they need to step away, but that needs to be done but explaining that and agreeing they will come back to it later. Eg. I'm feeling really frustrated and like I can't manage this conversation respectfully right now so I need time to cool my head, I'll come back to you tomorrow when I've had a chance to do this. And if tomorrow comes and it's too soon, then same again.

What they don't get to do is let it go on for up to a week, to avoid you completely and most importantly to leave you hanging on a cliff edge the entire time. That definitely feels more like emotional manipulation and punishing than taking time to cool off.

I think you need to think about what you need from a spouse (within reason) in terms of communication and how you navigate arguments and then ask if this relationship meets your needs.

@Lavender14 You are correct. I’d expected some responders to say “It’s completely normal, my partner does this”.

@Titasaducksarse @EarthSight @Bittenonce

No, he HAS thought it through. He quite often presents me with pros and cons of ending the marriage (after he has disengaged). It’s dreadful to read because in it, he cites so many reasons NIT to divorce. It’s SO confusing.

“Be prepared that when you do divorce, sooner or later he will have a massive panic, beg you to stay, grovel, cry - the lot.”. No. would NEVER do this. He can never “back down”. He would go through with it (full of pain and regret) rather than say he had made a mistake or overreacted. I think at the time he says “I think we should get a divorce” he believes he has been wronged in some way ie. I’ve stood my ground.

He would NEVER EVER escalate to physical abuse. Saying that, the same part of the brain activated in physical pain, is activated in emotional pain. The devastating effect of fight or flight is exactly the same in both cases. It’s the amygdala.

Perhaps your response should be ' If you think divorce is the correct path for you then whilst it's not what I want I can't force you to stay.'

“Be prepared that when you do divorce, sooner or later he will have a massive panic, beg you to stay, grovel, cry - the lot.”. No. would NEVER do this. He can never “back down”.

But he WILL turn it on you. He will tell everyone that YOU are the one who ended the marriage. He'll instigate a smear campaign in which he will make sure anyone and eevryone will know that you have mental health problems and he tried his best but he couldn't do anything and that he loves you, but you're determined to end things so what can he do etc etc etc.

If you get angry and dispute this narrative, he WILL get angry. you say he'd never get physical, but trust me, violence in relationships can be a lot more nuanced than the smack across the face or the kick in the back we see in popular culture. Locking you into or out of rooms, subtle intimidation techniques such as sneaking up on you or entering your home when you aren't around, banging things around and/or breaking your stuff/taking it away... and so it goes on.

At BEST, this is a man who doesn't really want to be in this relationship and is very conflicted and doesn't have the emotional skills to work through his issues. So really, if that's the BEST scenario... is that really what you want?

This. However you feel when he does it, I think you need to take back your power and stop giving him the reaction he is looking for.

I think at the time he says “I think we should get a divorce” he believes he has been wronged in some way ie. I’ve stood my ground.

Which is pretty concerning. It suggests he feels as if the natural order of things is for you to basically do as he says.

I would echo pp and agree with you about the insidious nature of emotional abuse. After 3 years with my ex I was a shell of a person. 13 years after leaving I still experience triggers. By contrast, the relationship which got physical (NB one incident, I would not want to compare my situation with anyone who has repeatedly been beaten or strangled or any other awful thing) was actually much easier to get over and move on from, and the triggers now are more limited. But emotional abuse will really affect you for years.

My God OP, how do you live like this?
If he says it again, please reply, OK if that's what you want. Stop begging, gain some control of this awful situation.

You don’t have communication difficulties. You have an abusive man. The silences, the threats to divorce are all methods of coercive control. No amount of talking will change that no matter how much you love him.

Look up the Freedom Programme online.

@GoingOffScript maybe the conflict is too much for him? How bad does it get before he leaves? Ignoring you for days is not ok but can you tell us what you are arguing about in the first place - does it get nasty between you during arguments?

We argue about two of his now adult kids. They disliked me from the get go. I was not involved in any way with their parents divorce several years before I met him. We dated long distance for 4yrs so, no sudden “she’s moving in” scenario. His 17yr old youngest daughter didn’t speak to her father for 3 years and to me for 7 years (in protest). She just went silent/no contact. DH always maintained it wasn’t “me”; she’d have reacted that way to anyone. Eldest daughter was lovely.

The rows were around him being upset/frustrated with that situation and though I’d done nothing (except marry) he took it out on me.

There’s no shouting or throwing stuff. He just goes silent. Says he’s going out and will “consider a divorce” again and again.

If you ring the court they will send you divorce papers for free. Fill them out and put a letter in detailing his ongoing emotional abuse. Put them away in a drawer. Next time he threatens you give them to him without a word.

My partner used to get verbally abusive and would not leave me alone in arguments until he upset me so much to the point I would say 'I can't do this anymore' and he had to leave. He would sleep upstairs and then every time I saw him after that he would give me a snarky comment or insult that would make it worse and I wouldn't want to speak to him for longer. Our therapist came up with the idea that when it got bad we had a 'safe word' which would end the discussion if it got to heated so we could both cool down. We then had an agreed time
we would reunite to talk about it calmly the next day. Then atleast he knew there was a time we would be coming together the next day.

im not saying this is you in any way but maybe you could suggest this with him and explain how bad you feel when he goes silent with you.

Just because it is not physical makes it no less abusive, you know that right? He’s using the threat of divorce as a weapon.
It doesn’t matter what you argue about or why, what matters is that he regularly reacts by threatening the security of your life together.
I would be taking legal advice. See a therapist to discuss your own well-being and make sure you have support outside your marriage.

@wonderfullife02 I barely get to speak at all before he’s packing a bag!!

I think a safe word is a great idea. As I mentioned up thread, it’s not the distancing/detachment that’s the problem. So much can be said (and not taken back!) in haste so yes, a cooling off period is good. It’s the “We might as well go our separate ways!” that’s so unhealthy and dangerous to the relationship.

It’s the “We might as well go our separate ways!” that’s so unhealthy and dangerous to the relationship.

No, him being a twat is what is so dangerous to your relationship. The next time he threatens divorce, agree with him. Then follow through.

Call his bluff.

OP, I agree with all the others.

my DH has shut down instincts. But Even in the most severe triggering, you know what he does? His whole body is tense- I can see the inner strain, but he says “I love you. But I’m feeling in a bad place right now. I don’t think I’d do a conversation well right now. I won’t express myself well. I just have a lot of negative voices in my head right now and I know they aren’t balanced. Is it ok if we take some time for me to centre? I just need a bit of alone time.” Then when I say yes of course. He checks if I need anything before he goes. Then he goes to another room. I tend to leave him be for a while, but if I have to disturb him he is courteous and helps me if I need help. He doesn’t even need to be away, he just needs to “decompress” by not being confronted about the upset right then. If he is undisturbed, he comes back and is willing to listen and talk openly. And we resolve it properly. In the early days when I was unfamiliar with it, he would even explicitly tell me he was 100% committed to our relationship, to reassure me, so that I wasn’t left in a panic.

That is how you shut down non abusively. The person takes responsibility for their state. A top priority is protecting you from it. And there is no reason, unless you are curled up on the floor catatonic, to ignore, blank or pretend you don’t hear. And you allow for an open conversation once you are equipped to do it well.

As others say, your DH is doing the opposite of all this. He is controlling you and causing you maximum damage and it is aggressive. You keep saying shutting down, but it’s not that saying he is ending the marriage is an attack. Making a point of walking past you when he talks to everybody else is actively aggressive. And he gets exactly what he needs - you afraid to hold him accountable or step out of place.

whether he is conscious of all this or whether it relates to some past trauma is irrelevant. It’s the behaviour that matters, and this behaviour is horrible. And has he checked into therapy to confront it, because he is horrified to cause you such unnecessary upset? Nope. He’s just reaping the rewards of having his wife scared to lose him.

@financialcareerstuff I guess I need to address myself in this partnership. Why I am so paralysed with fear at the prospect of him divorcing me. It’s a second marriage for us both. He’s been a good stepdad to my son from my first marriage, in a way ds’s dad never was. I gave up my home and moved 90 miles up country to be with him. The divorce demands started six months after the wedding.

I feel I’ve so much to lose.

Not uncommon for abuse to start or ramp up after marriage. In all honesty, looking back, did he show a manipulative side before? Did he seem to get his way more than you, or did you end up apologising in situations that you started out feeling like the aggrieved party?

It's just a way of controlling you. He cannot stand any disagreement or criticism. Everything has to be done his way. If you stand up for yourself, he threatens to divorce you. So you back down, retract your words, forget about your needs, and refocus entirely on him in order to get him to stay in the marriage.

You can probably keep going like that for decades. He isn't interested in changing anything, because this way means he gets everything how he wants it all the time. It's controlling and abusive and it will chip away at your spirit until you're a shadow of yourself.

It's really up to you whether you want to sacrifice yourself to this man, or choose yourself. I hope you choose yourself.

How old is your son and does he still live with you?
When you say you have so much to lose, do you mean financial?
I mean, the trick here is to take the power away from him by knowing you can cope with divorce.
(edited to add: although I am willing to bet that if the divorce threats lose their power, he will find another way to destabilise you).

Son is 24. It’s not about the finances. I was hoping for (and felt I’d found) a stable relationship. That DH was an adult. I’d been a single mum for years. I loved the idea of being part of a family. Of course, it never happened.

Yes, I understand that. I have also been a single mum for many years.
It seems like once you moved to live with him, when your son was about seven, I think, so he moved schools and with you, I imagine, once you had done all this to be a family with him, six months after your wedding, he threatened to divorce you and disappeared for however long. And it’s not a throwaway, heat of the moment comment which he has instantly regretted, it’s a thought through scenario which he has weighed up in his mind. And then this threat has recurred again and again over years. Rinse and repeat.
It’s a bit of a bait and switch - promise of a nice, stable family and once you moved, it’s taken away with the threat of divorce.