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Original poster

dating a man 10 years older

32 replies

lilipad · 04/06/2008 16:41

ive been dating a man 10 years older than me for a few months, the problem is we live 60 miles apart and i see him once a week, his son lives with him full time and he runs his own business so is really busy, too busy to put any effort into our relationship it seems, although he does try to make time, any advice as to where to go from here please

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 04/06/2008 16:46

are you wanting more from him?

the living apart and the older bit are not really the same tho

i am dating a mna 20 years younbger and we live a 100 miles apart and he does a fair amount of stuff with other people than me which makes me a bit jealous from time to time and my lack of knowledge as to where exactly i fit in

is that what you mean?

i have been seeing my bf since oct

loopylou6 · 04/06/2008 16:46

To be brutally honest, it really doesnt sound like its going anywhere, sorry He seems like he has to much going on in his life to give you what you deserve and need, so unless your willing to put up with a 1 day a week relationship i think its time to call it a day.

zippitippitoes · 04/06/2008 16:47

once a week is that like for 3 hours or a whole weekend

zippitippitoes · 04/06/2008 16:49

and how old is he/you

do you mean he is too set in his ways?

when did he split up from his previous relationship

i dont actually know anything about my bfs previous relationships actually

MeMySonAndI · 04/06/2008 16:53

More than the age, I can see a real problem on "too busy to put any effort into our relationship"

I don't quite understand yet the idea of long distance relationships... IMO you only get to know the nice side of the person, idealise it, and not getting to know it properly. And, if he doesn't have time now, how is he going to make more time when the intensity of the first months wears off?

Original poster
lilipad · 04/06/2008 16:55

ok, hes 47 and yes hes set in his ways, he is busy with work as he can clock off at 5 more like 8pm, the once a week suits me at the minute as ive got 3 kids myself, ive met his son a few times but hes not met mine, he says he wants to keep seeing me but is struggling with juggling everything

OP posts:
Original poster
lilipad · 04/06/2008 16:58

hes been on his own for 6 years and hes told me from the start how important his business is to him, but when we are together its great

OP posts:
girlnextdoor · 04/06/2008 17:00

IMO 10 years is nothing. I had a very long relationship with a man 13 yrs older.

Why is age relevant here?

How old is he and his son?

I don't consider 60 miles long distance either- I have been married for almost 25 yrs to my DH and we dated for 3 years before we got married,living 80 miles apart- with London in the middle of the journey. We did alternate weekends each.

Surely, 60 miles only takes an hour or 1.5 hrs- it is not impossible to see him during the week if he wants to.

I think his age and distance are all red herrings-- what is important is that you like each other and want to meet as much as you can.

Doesn't sound like it's meant to be - sorry.

girlnextdoor · 04/06/2008 17:02

Our posts crossed- sorry again, but it just doesn't sound as if he is willing to put the effort in. Somewhere along the line he has to understand that relationships take time and effort- not just work!

I also don't think 47 is old-it's more a state of mind.

Is there any link between this behaviour and why his marriage ended???

WigWamBam · 04/06/2008 17:02

If he wanted to make time then he would make time.

If he's not prepared to put the effort in during the first few months of the relationship - when he should be wining and dining you and sweeping you off your feet - he's never going to be prepared to put the effort in.

The age difference is nothing; the lack of interest in working at the relationship is the worrying thing.

zippitippitoes · 04/06/2008 17:07

if you dont spend whole weekends together when you are the centre of attention then it does sound a bit of a non starter

i think if someone is used to being single and they then have a relationship then they may take a bit of time to adjust to beeing distracted from their work other life etc but if it is just a few hours you seem him for then that isnt much

Original poster
lilipad · 04/06/2008 17:08

he does all the wine and candles thing and its in the wek that we see each other, his marriage ended because of the work thing she said she wasnt prepared to put up with it

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 04/06/2008 17:10

have you spent any time away together

if his wife left becaue he didnt pay her attention and that was 6 years ago

and he hasnt learned from it

it doesnt sound very promising

girlnextdoor · 04/06/2008 17:11

well, there you go! How did I guess?

He needs to learn by his mistakes- but don't play guinea pig whilst he does it.

Life-work balance- he needs some!

I think you deserve more- and should find a man who is more willing to commit more of his time to you. UNLESS you are happy to play 2nd fiddle to his work. But it's nothing to do with age or distance- it's to do with priorities.

warthog · 04/06/2008 17:27

his first marriage broke down because of his work, and it doesn't sound like anything's changed.

if you're not happy with the amount of time you see him, tell him and if he doesn't make the effort, then decide.

but i can't see him changing. i think you might be better off finding someone who does have time for you.

Original poster
lilipad · 04/06/2008 17:30

everything your saying is what ive told myself a million times, the problem ive got is like i said i have kids as well and am not prepared to introduce them to him yet so seeing him for a few hours a week is ok at the moment, but as long as i feel that hes prepared to put some of the effort in, hes coming to do my bathrrom next week for a few days, sad that it involves work for him to come to me even if hes doing it for free

OP posts:
Marne · 04/06/2008 17:33

10 years is nothing, im 26 and dh is 40 this year. We hav'nt had any problems, we dont always have the same views on things but i think thats good, he's alot more sensible than me

FioFio · 04/06/2008 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
lilipad · 04/06/2008 17:38

10 years IS nothing unless your a 47 year old man whos stuck in his ways with no get up and go, but i still fancy the pants off him

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 04/06/2008 17:40

You've told yourself a million times, but have you told him?

You need to - otherwise he will think you're happy with things the way they are. If he still doesn't change his ways then I think the message is loud and clear that this is the way he likes it, and you will have some decisions to make.

warthog · 04/06/2008 17:40

that's very generous to do your bathroom for nothing.

Original poster
lilipad · 04/06/2008 17:41

dont you think its a bit soon for me to be telling him what i want out of the relationship?

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 04/06/2008 17:42

if he has no get up and go do you mean he is just dull not that interested in doing anything? i spent 8 years with my ex 11 years younger than me and he never wanted to do anything

i am now seeing someone who does like doing stuff and that is fun

if he isnt fussed about going further than tiling your bathroom i would bin him

i would rather pay someone to do the work and go out and do something interesting for a few days

Original poster
lilipad · 04/06/2008 17:42

it is very generous i know he is a really nice guy and thats the dilemma, do i want to give soemthing up thats so good when we are together even if it is hard work

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 04/06/2008 17:43

It's not too soon to tell him that you would like to see more of him.

It's also not too soon to ask where he sees the relationship going, because it sounds as if he sees it in much more casual terms than you do.