Is my partner lying to me and potentially cheating?

[JanetCompost]

So this is an odd one, but I think my partner has been cheating lately. Every time he tells me a story it's flawed and makes no sense.

There are many stories but the most recent one I'll start with. He claims he went out for food with a work colleague at The Railway pub in Streatham.

He showed me a photo, nothing suspicious here. Then I checked the menu, the dish he is eating isn't even from the Railway menu, and the table is different in the photos.

Also the plates don't match social media.

I know this is petty but I have many more examples, I'm wondering if I'm losing my mind here. Signed up for second thoughts as I don't know where to turn

‘I created a time map’ Jesus h Christ

This is psychotic.

This is fucking crackers.

Wtf? I am confused by this. How did you match the photos to a particular time, or are you assuming each photo was sent immediately after it was taken?

Actually I’d say it’s the OP who is doing the gaslighting.

She’s going on to the menu of this restaurant presumably to try and catch her DP out.

My eXH used to do this kind of thing. Ask me where I’d been, once for instance I went into a pub with a friend, i honestly couldn’t have told you the name, it wasn’t anywhere I’d been before, so when eXH asked I couldn’t tell him.

Got home and he asked me if I’d enjoyed going to <insert pub name> and then claimed I’d been seen there by someone who was so concerned that he’d seen me with another man that he’d texted him, describing what I was wearing and everything. He was gaslighting me into thinking that he knew I was having an affair and had been caught. I wasn’t.

Actually he’d had me followed. I later found out he had hidden cameras and recording devices in the house, tracked my phone, had keyloggers on my computer.

Now I’m not saying that the OP is going to those lengths, but I would say that posting pictures on a public forum, in the hopes of getting unanimous agreement that the partner is obviously doing something wrong is something which absolutely could be done by an abuser to gaslight her partner into thinking she knows he’s doing something he shouldn’t be. Even if he isn’t.

In summary:

You don’t trust him, this is leading you to question what he says and do mad things to investigate.

This is not good for you.

Best situation: you are wrong, but acting crazy
Worst situation: you are correct and acting crazy

You need to have a chat with yourself. Is this what you want for your one precious life?

If this is real then the OP needs more help than she'll be able to get on this forum.

I would gues he IS shagging around and by you putting up with his lies he is getting more daring. I can just imagine him laughing with her about what pic hes sending you next, getting more and more less careful.
I'm also guessing he lives with you like a bloke lives with his mum cos he has nowhere else to go, and cant quite get her to agree to letting him move in with her.
Hes getting HIS ducks in a row, how about you??

You’ll never get to the bottom of it. Your need to know his every move (to be the point you are examining restaurant tables) will always be there.

And this is NOT a small thing. Your behaviour and extreme surveillance is concerning.

I really want fish and chips for tea now.

DefinAtely suspicious OP, I’d get in AC12 to assist you,

You honestly sound unwell.

I have no idea if your partner is lying or not; nobody does. But I do now that checking up on someone by making them send you photos of where they are, and then cross-referencing them with your research and creating time maps out of them is utterly fucking nuts.

What on earth made you feel the need to do that in the first place? If my partner says “I’m going on my Christmas” I don’t a) expect photos or b) start looking up travel times between locations and drawing up maps. I simply say “OK, just text me if you’re going to be home later than expected” and think no more of it. What actually prompted your suspicions in the first place to make you start playing detective?

From the OPs update it looks like this started when she did a time map of his movements whilst he was in London. Yet people jump to assuming she is being abused and he is cheating. That's potentially playing into the delusions of someone who is unhinged and the abuser.

OP I have been there. I really have. I was snooping internet history the works. He was using escort services it turned out. I was trying frantically to hold it together or find a way to look at his phone or do something with this pit in the bottom of my stomach as I thought I really loved/ needed him too.

Honestly- as scary as it felt actually breaking up- after a few weeks it was like removing a pair of pinching shoes. You don't love him like you think you do honestly.

This level of crazy comes from him... I am married with someone else now and we know each others passwords but I have never once wanted to look at his phone or his laptop. You are only like this now because you know something is deeply wrong with the relationship you are in.

My thoughts exactly.
He’s either cheating. In which case you need to leave now.
Or the poor bloke is doing nothing wrong. His sending of photos to attempt to reassure or reduce the anxiety level is actually ramping up the craziness.
Time map? Can you even see how bad this is? Leave for his sake and yours. None of this is healthy.

The railway has a facebook page which does show similar tables to that in your photo - they had a refurbishment and it isn't uncommon for advertisements to have different photos.

This level of suspicion is unhealthy, your spending how much time fixating on something from last year?

Honestly, get past it, or leave, life is too short.

All the people saying she needs to end it….

shit a brick - anyone think we can track down the bloke and ensure he safely runs for the hills?!

Of course she’s the abuser. It’s bloody obvious. But because she’s a woman she knows that by posting here she’s going to get the “he’s cheating” support she needs to say that all women think the same as her.

The very fact that he’s feeling the need to send her pictures of where he is all point to the fact that there is an expectation on him to do so, to prove where he is at all times.

He needs to LTB.

So let me get this straight. A man is lying, being evasive and not answering questions as to his whereabouts and his partners is suspicious that he may be up to no good, yet you are saying it is her behaviour that's at fault?

This is a really good point. If he’s providing information about his whereabouts such as to enable the evidence board 😱 it suggests he knows he has to be able to prove his whereabouts. This is abusive.

Jesus Christ you sound insane.

God, this completely !! I genuinely just wouldn’t have the mental energy for this my lovely…. Hard as it is, you need to end the relationship….this way madness lies xx

You’re right. I originally thought he’s lying but on rereading I think maybe it’s all in her head and she’s developed an unhealthy obsession with tracking his every move.

Honestly if it ever gets to the point when either partner is zooming in on photos from a venues website to check the matching crockery, then that’s a relationship that needs to be over.

Then posting on here is pointless OP. Even if he has lied, cheated etc it makes no difference to the outcome. Unfortunately you are all in. The relationship is unhealthy, toxic and frankly messed up. This is not normal and no, he is not amazing. He just isn't. A woman in a relationship with an 'amazing' man is happy - you clearly aren't. Alternatively, you need to consider if the problem is you and not him. Tracking his movements to this extent and checking what he ate on the menu is not normal. Maybe think about counselling (for you not as a couple), to figure out what is really going on with you both.

Like many others, I had an ex who behaved like the OP describes. Every single thing I said was forensically torn apart and inspected for signs of cheating. I think you should look into getting therapy, and probably ending the relationship whilst you work on yourself. Whether he's cheating or not is honestly irrelevant at this point.

@JanetCompost You didn't actually answer the questions I asked, which were:

Do you like the person you have become in this relationship, OP? Do you want to continue this vigilance and investigative work for the rest of your life?

Love can let go, because love wants what is best for ourselves and/or another person. It's need that cannot let go - and focussing on another person rather than on ourselves is a sign we are in need, not in love.

My questions were designed to show you the truth and reality of this relationship by refocussing you onto yourself, rather than keeping your focus on him and on trying to change him (which won't happen).

It's no surprise to me that you replied by re-focussing on him. but focussing on yourself as the solution is the only way you can ever be truly happy, either alone or in a relationship.