Is my partner lying to me and potentially cheating?

[JanetCompost]

So this is an odd one, but I think my partner has been cheating lately. Every time he tells me a story it's flawed and makes no sense.

There are many stories but the most recent one I'll start with. He claims he went out for food with a work colleague at The Railway pub in Streatham.

He showed me a photo, nothing suspicious here. Then I checked the menu, the dish he is eating isn't even from the Railway menu, and the table is different in the photos.

Also the plates don't match social media.

I know this is petty but I have many more examples, I'm wondering if I'm losing my mind here. Signed up for second thoughts as I don't know where to turn

Tell me you haven't been in a(n abusive) relationship where you've been gaslit, without telling me...

Which is exactly why she needs to end the relationship and leave rather than wonder if he was lying or not (this time). What if he wasn't (this time)? Should the OP trust him from here on?

Ok so around Christmas he was in London for a work party, sent me some photos, claimed to be out all night with his colleagues and bosses. I am fine with that, the problem is it cannot be true I think

I created a time map and it became impossible to be out all night. He had to be back in the hotel multiple times, for a total of 3.5 hours. I used the photos sent to me and times and distances between locations to prove this.

But he claimed to be out all night which was impossible. Like he claimed to go to Borough market for food with his boss and colleagues, which I found to be impossible by piecing all the puzzle pieces together.

Like I said the absolute total time outside hotel by photos and distances would be maximum 3.5 hours

Jesus Christ, just break up already. This is scary.

Why haven’t you already ended it with him? What are you hanging on for?

You have no trust in him. You don’t have to be with him. A relationship isn’t a court of law when you have to provide evidence for breaking up with someone

I assume you live near there.. could you check it out for yourself?
But echoing other posters, something is going on that is not healthy to have this level of suspicion.

The fact you're doing this is worrying. You need to break up for your own sanity, he's not going to admit to skulduggery and it's driving you crazy trying to work it out.

If he is, if he isn't - it doesn't matter does it, because you don't trust him.

I agree. Let's face it, I am sure many of us do a little detective work about things over the internet.

The above might be true, but having ready access to images of plates, of tables, of real-time routes to places is a very very recent thing, and it's making people cling to the fact they could be telling the truth, and resorting to these insane investigations which do not help.

Last Christmas?? This sleuthing has been going on that long? I’d love to indulge and roll with the investigation but this assignment is going well over my head. All I can see is the grub looks good.

If you’re creating evidence boards to track his movements you’re either (a) in MI5 /CID or (b) in a really unhealthy relationship that you need to get out of

Do you like the person you have become in this relationship, OP? Do you want to continue this vigilance and investigative work for the rest of your life?

Unless the answer is yes, stop the monitoring and end it now. Being alone is better than feeling like you cannot trust your partner to the extent you are going to these lengths to monitor them.

Yes I love him other than this small thing and that he plays Fortnite a lot more than I would want him to. He is amazing in every other way. I just want to get to the bottom of this once and for all

So has there been occasions that he has cheated? Why did you start investigating?

You said, in the first post, he showed you a photo, but you obviously have it yourself to upload. Do you make him send photos to you?
The 2nd event you plotted out - did you show him?
You’re clearly very anxious and distracting yourself by these checks on restaurants and mapping things out, as they’re tangible whereas facing upto the relationship being not great is hard and less ‘certain’.
I do get you’re trying to ‘know’, to have ‘facts’, but honestly it’s a bit intense even for people who regularly check up and worry, and if the map was from Xmas then it’s 10 months on now, so for you to have to live with this level of anxiety for months is too much for you, for anyone. Whether he’s lying, or whether he’s avoiding being presented with maps, we can’t tell from here OP, but it’s not a relationship that’s good for you. It’s hard to break up, but you’d eventually have so much more peace. I also think you may benefit from having some talking therapy around it all.
Be kind to yourself.

If he’s lying to you on a regular basis enough for you to create timescales to check his whereabouts for at least the past 9 months then he isn’t ‘amazing’ he’s a common or garden lying gaslighting piece of shit who has driven you to the point of behaving in an obsessive manner to try and catch him out.

Does he know about your investigations? What does he say?

‘This small thing’. And the addition of computer games into the mix. Right.

Methinks I hear the pitter patter of hairy feet. I even recognise the style. Does he also drink and drive after four or five drinks, OP?

If you are at this stage of investigation into his whereabouts then I would say you need to break it off for both your sakes.
I honestly wouldnt care if DH said he was going to borough market but ended up eating somewhere else. I also wouldnt care if the dish he said he ate wasnt on the menu.
Firstly, I wouldnt be questioning him to this degree anyway. Second, I dont care if he changes his plans on his night out.

Are you the type of person to get worked up if he said he was meeting Tom for dinner in Streatham but actually in the end he changed his plans and he met Tom for a drink then met Harry in another pub down the road for dinner?

Would that bother you, is he afraid to tell you becuase you would get worked up?

Or do you really think he is hiding something and not telling you for this reason?

Either way, your relationship is unhealthy.

You don’t trust him.

The relationship is over.

He doesn't really drink alchohol, he has 1-2 proseccos then says he feels a buzz and stops. Usually he has water when we're out because if he has diet coke he has to brush his teeth afterwards. So no to alcohol sorry that's wrong

Let's face it, I am sure many of us do a little detective work about things over the internet

Uhhmm, have you seen the ‘evidence board’ associated with the boyfriend’s Xmas party, or whatever it was? That’s not ‘a little detective work’ (which in itself is weird), that thing is next level batshit stuff. I mean, how much time does something like that take? It would be far better to be having a nice glass of wine and watching something on Netflix. If you can’t do that because you have ‘evidence boards’ to create, there is something seriously wrong.

This gave me a giant laugh!

Beat me to this comment!

@JanetCompost he can’t be amazing other than those two things you pointed as you said he regularly acts shady and ‘dances’ around answers about where he’s been.

i don’t know how MN can help you get to the ‘bottom of this’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was thinking the same.

‘He is amazing the only small problem is that I am stalking him’.

If your partner was my son OP I would be horrified by this & very concerned indeed for him. If a man posted here that he had made a board obsessively tracking his partner’s Christmas outing, posters would rightly be aghast & talking about coercive control and stalking.

This absolutely does not mean you are a bad person OP! But I think you need therapy urgently before this escalates even further and that while receiving it, it would be highly advisable to end this relationship which is clearly triggering major issues for you. What you describe yourself as doing is really not normal or healthy or acceptable in a relationship.

OP, you need to end this relationship.