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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is driving me insane with his know it all personality

83 replies

Boymama1997 · 08/10/2025 21:49

My husband is driving a wedge between us. I feel like everything i say turns into a battle.
I could say the sky is blue and he'd bang on in the most condescending way about how it actually isn't.
Tonight I'm extra fed up, as we don't live in a great area I've said I want to take some classes so that should I ever need to I can defend myself, straight away or laughed at me, said I couldn't do it because I wear false eyelashes, and continued to tell me I didn't have it in me to do martial arts and I should just run if there's confrontation, I went on to try to explain that I couldn't run if I had our children (aged 2 to 9) as I couldn't carry them and even if I didn't, I have asthma and would struggle to run quickly and for prolonged time, he started trying to tell me asthma would mean I could learn self defence, but I know I can because in my early 20s I used to do martial arts (and got quite far on it) and it was easier to control my asthma doing the method of fighting than the the fitness aspect which included running.
Other people in our lives, friends and family have mentioned to me privately that find him difficult to speak to because of this personality trait.
I've also noticed that he will never ever admit if he's in the wrong, for example when talking about his exs he maintains with all of them he never did a single thing wrong. The time he got drunk in front of our kids and I had to remove them from the house and he smashed up the bathroom and got arrested, he still refused to admit he was in the wrong, it was apparently my fault because I took the kids away and he was sad as his friend had passed away (he got drunk at the funeral and continued at home, he hasn't spoke to this friend in years) please keep in mind this is an isolated incident of him doing the drinking side.
He does it with my older children (both M,aged 7 and 9)
They'll say something in simple terms like kids do and he will be like "well technically" and bore them with a big long lecture they don't understand because it's far too complex for them at the moment.
How can I handle this personality trait of his?

OP posts:
UrticaDioca · 08/10/2025 21:51

I know this isn't a helpful comment, but did you not realise he was like this before you married him?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 08/10/2025 21:52

The time he got drunk in front of our kids and I had to remove them from the house and he smashed up the bathroom and got arrested

Leave this man.

PsychoHotSauce · 08/10/2025 21:53

Not to be flippant but why tf do you think this is your problem to handle or manage? He sounds awful, and clearly has no interest in changing.

Househassles · 08/10/2025 22:00

Agree he sounds awful and probably should be left, assuming he's over the age of maybe 16. The droning on and arguing you could handle by just ignoring him and doing what you wanted in the first place (like going to your self-defence class as planned) but the never being wrong means he can't communicate or compromise, which are pretty necessary skills for living together, being in a relationship, raising children together, etc. What do you do if a decision has to be made about the household or one of the children and the two of you disagree?

DierdreDaphne · 08/10/2025 22:02

Ugh, what an unpleasant man. He is not treating you with respect - quite possibly he isn't treating anyone with respect. Well, I suppose he has to rein it in at work.. What's his job (or is he self employed so he doesn't have to work for people he considers inferior?)

I'd honestly tell him you find him rude, condescending and really, really annoying. And that you want him to stop.

My dh can be a bit patronising though not on this scale. I had a couple of goes at him after some really bad incidents and he has improved - or at least apologises quickly when he has done it again. But my dh is fundamentally a nice man who wants me to be happy.

You are entitled to ask your husband if he wants you and the kids to be happy, because if he does, he is definitely going about it the wrong way. And if he doesn't.....

Redberryhot · 08/10/2025 22:03

You leave him, that's how. A man who smashes up a bathroom is abusive, this isn't a healthy situation for you and your DC.
Please seek advice and get help to get out. Follow the MN links at the top of the thread.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 08/10/2025 22:10

His personality trait is abusive arsehole 🤷‍♀️

Why on Earth do you put up with this? And to take him back after smashing up the bathroom when you have children in the home 🤯

Interesting you want to take self defence classes…

Solongfairwelll · 08/10/2025 23:19

There is zero chance he will ever change.

blacksax · 09/10/2025 00:02

"How can I handle this personality trait of his?"

Divorce him. He's a cunt.

Pallisers · 09/10/2025 00:05

Why would you want to handle this personality trait?

He sounds like a boring boor with violent tendencies. You had to remove your children from your home because he was drunk and smashing things up. And h made out it was YOUR fault. Seriously once of that is enough.

dump him and work on your own boundaries/standards.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/10/2025 00:30

As I read your post, I thought he sounded awful, putting you down and telling you that you'd be useless at things. Then i read this.

"he got drunk in front of our kids and I had to remove them from the house and he smashed up the bathroom and got arrested, he still refused to admit he was in the wrong, it was apparently my fault"

And I have to wonder, why are you still with this abusive bore? Your friends can't stand him so he's no social asset either is he?

I think you need to speak to someone or do some research on abusive relationships because, sorry OP, you are in one. I hope you are able to find some support and help.

DiscoBeat · 09/10/2025 00:33

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 08/10/2025 22:10

His personality trait is abusive arsehole 🤷‍♀️

Why on Earth do you put up with this? And to take him back after smashing up the bathroom when you have children in the home 🤯

Interesting you want to take self defence classes…

Yes, I wondered that too

LillyPJ · 09/10/2025 00:38

It's not your job to handle his 'personality trait'. He sounds unbearable and I doubt he'll ever change. I'd suggest you leave him. Otherwise you and your DC face a lifetime of being belittled and undermined.

BauhausOfEliott · 09/10/2025 00:40

How can I handle this personality trait of his?

By leaving him. He’s a cunt.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 09/10/2025 06:22

He smashed up your bathroom in a drunken rage and got arrested, while you had to flee your own home to protect your children - and you think the main problem is he’s a patronising know-it-all?

He belittles and undermines you, can’t apologise or admit he’s wrong, and other people don’t like him. What do you think this is teaching your boys about how men are supposed to behave, and what healthy relationships look like?

The whole focus of your post is on asthma and self-defence, and all anyone who’s reading it can see is a whole shitshow of abuse and contempt. His personality trait is ‘cunt’, OP, and it’s not on you to spend your one short and precious life finding workarounds for that.

UpDownAllAround1 · 09/10/2025 06:27

Not marry him perhaps

hattie43 · 09/10/2025 06:34

It’s not the same but I have a friend like this . If it weren’t for the fact we only see each other once every 2/3 months we’d be ex friends . I feel for you OP it’s intolerable .

Paddington5 · 09/10/2025 06:40

Tell him he has to go for some counselling with or without you because if he doesn’t change you will have to separate. Does he hold down a job?
People seem to forget the DCs will spend time with him alone if they split. Is that good for them?

Tubestrike · 09/10/2025 06:49

I'd tell him that everyone thinks he's a condescending , know it all bore and if he doesn't address HIS issue then you will leave.

landlordhell · 09/10/2025 06:52

UrticaDioca · 08/10/2025 21:51

I know this isn't a helpful comment, but did you not realise he was like this before you married him?

This

helibirdcomp · 09/10/2025 06:58

As others say this is abusive but if you are not going down the LTB mumnet answer you need to realise this and stop enabling the lectures. Hand up policeman style, say stop I am not interested I was informing you not asking for your opinion. You especially need to do this when he starts on your kids so they don’t feel put down all the time. The ‘technically’ phrase is a good time to step in. As in stop not interested in your technicalities because …… that was just a casual remark or child name is only 7 and does need your complicated input or just don’t need technicalities

Owly11 · 09/10/2025 07:03

You do know you don’t need to explain yourself to this awful violent personality disordered controlling man? You need to ask yourself why the hell you chose him and are still with him. I bet he doesn’t want you taking up martial arts!!! You might be able to defend yourself against him then. If you decide to leave - be careful- this is the time he may escalate to violence again. The last incident was triggered by you taking the kids away so you leaving for good with the kids is likely going to be explosive.

N27 · 09/10/2025 07:15

So firstly, you CANNOT change another person, or help them to change, or hope that they’ll change. So please put any ideas of his behaviour ever being any different out of your head.

The only thing you can do, is look at that behaviour, and decide whether you are willing to accept it/live with it for the rest of your life. If the answer is no, then you need to leave. I would also consider what you would like your children to think about when they are older and reflecting on their childhood. Are these the kind of memories you’d like them to have?

All of those ex’s are secretly thinking of you wondering how you are putting up with him x

Desmodici · 09/10/2025 07:18

Paddington5 · 09/10/2025 06:40

Tell him he has to go for some counselling with or without you because if he doesn’t change you will have to separate. Does he hold down a job?
People seem to forget the DCs will spend time with him alone if they split. Is that good for them?

Couple's counseling is absolutely not advisable for an abusive relationship.

OP, you should consider individual therapy for yourself, to help you understand the dynamics of your relationship, and why you're still in it.

Brendathebear · 09/10/2025 07:25

Oh my goodness, I never usually write here about annoying husbands but OP - this sounds like my worst nightmare.

Do you really want your children exposed to and damaged by this man? He sounds like an absolute bellend, surely you'd be happier without him?