My husband is driving me insane with his know it all personality

[Boymama1997]

My husband is driving a wedge between us. I feel like everything i say turns into a battle.
I could say the sky is blue and he'd bang on in the most condescending way about how it actually isn't.
Tonight I'm extra fed up, as we don't live in a great area I've said I want to take some classes so that should I ever need to I can defend myself, straight away or laughed at me, said I couldn't do it because I wear false eyelashes, and continued to tell me I didn't have it in me to do martial arts and I should just run if there's confrontation, I went on to try to explain that I couldn't run if I had our children (aged 2 to 9) as I couldn't carry them and even if I didn't, I have asthma and would struggle to run quickly and for prolonged time, he started trying to tell me asthma would mean I could learn self defence, but I know I can because in my early 20s I used to do martial arts (and got quite far on it) and it was easier to control my asthma doing the method of fighting than the the fitness aspect which included running.
Other people in our lives, friends and family have mentioned to me privately that find him difficult to speak to because of this personality trait.
I've also noticed that he will never ever admit if he's in the wrong, for example when talking about his exs he maintains with all of them he never did a single thing wrong. The time he got drunk in front of our kids and I had to remove them from the house and he smashed up the bathroom and got arrested, he still refused to admit he was in the wrong, it was apparently my fault because I took the kids away and he was sad as his friend had passed away (he got drunk at the funeral and continued at home, he hasn't spoke to this friend in years) please keep in mind this is an isolated incident of him doing the drinking side.
He does it with my older children (both M,aged 7 and 9)
They'll say something in simple terms like kids do and he will be like "well technically" and bore them with a big long lecture they don't understand because it's far too complex for them at the moment.
How can I handle this personality trait of his?

Why did you pick this man to marry and have children with?
You met a man who, when discussing his dating history, claimed to have never done anything wrong. That is a man you stop dating immediately. Then on top of that, he belittles everything you say. Did he do that during dating? Always correct you?

It doesn’t even sound like he always wants to be correct; it sounds more like he just enjoys telling people they are wrong.

Do you work? Have your own way to support yourself?

That doesn't sound like a personality trait, it sounds like a personality disorder.

I live with one of these

Why would you stay with such a boring arsehole?

I'm depressed on your behalf that you have to live with him! Have you thought of alternatives?

He must be absolutely awful,cmjxh worse than you are admitting, for people to have actually said anything to you.

He's ground you down over the years you've been together and conditioned you to accept this treatment, little by little until here you are, and you can't take any more.

Stop trying to bend and confirm to around him. You don't have to do that.

You have the right to live a peaceful, argument free life as possible.

Do the course and then beat him up

Well if you don’t divorce him op, this is what you’re living with for the rest of his life. He isn’t changing.

The biggest driver for divorce is contempt. Your DH is consistently showing contempt for you by belittling you. He is also doing it to your children, though at the moment it’s a little more subtle.

You need to protect your children. As they get older and start to challenge them he will belittle them and mock them more and more.

He has low self esteem and therefore a fragile ego. He belittles you to make himself feel better about his inadequacies.

People like that are exhausting and I keep away from them. Can you do the same?

Bathroom smashing incident to one side which is more than enough reason to leave, not much more to add but he must be pretty awful for other people to have said something. People would not normally stick their necks out unless he was an insufferable bore whose company is to be avoided at all costs. Everyone will be desperate for you to see the light and leave before he completely dims your light.

I need you to read back your own post and explain to me why you've come to the conclusion that his incredibly nasty, toxic and abusive behaviour is merely a 'personality trait' rather than a big old personality disorder, and why you feel that you're the one who needs to do the work on it.

It makes zero sense.
What's your goal here? Let him continue to treat you and your children like garbage? And then find some magical way for you not to feel like shit when he does?
I'm sorry, that doesn't exist. And you know what, I'm not even really sorry for saying that.
He doesn't deserve to have a wife who does all the work in the marriage and absorbs everything he throws at her, turns around and keeps on going.
His behaviour should cost him his marriage and his family.
People like him should not be rewarded with the privilege of having a loving family.

Smashed up a bathroom??? Leave leave leave.

He got drunk and smashed up the bathroom and the police were called. This on its own is enough to leave someone and protect your kids, he’s abusive.

If you have a 9 year old and it's his and you've been together so long not sure why you would still want to take about exes just weird. I wouldn't have had kids or stayed with someone like this anyway

Why did you marry him?

He sounds like an arsehole and I wouldn’t be in a relationship with him. But I don’t know why you didn’t leave him after he was abusive and got arrested?

How can you handle it @Boymama1997 ?

By realising it is unacceptable and HE needs to leave, or change (which will require counselling and significiant work by him, on himself, plus him realising HE is the problem, so not going to happen).

Do yourself a favour, show him the door.

Just start humming the Oscars music when he goes on. The one they use to shut people up when their speech is too long.

OP, rather than being a personality trait, could your DH have neurodiversity?

The factual delivery, info dumping and lack of self awareness absolutely could be down to him being a wank but these are also indicators of the 'tism in some people and he may not even be aware he'd doing it?

End of the day, he won't be able to change on any sort of time line that will matter to you so you need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Can people on mumsnet please stop attributing arsehole abusive behaviour to neurodiversity.

This. It drives me nuts. Being neurodiverse is not a get out of jail free card. Personal responsibility and obeying the law applies to everyone.

I came to sympathise because my husband has a habit of giving me unwanted advice when I'm cooking or cleaning and re-organises the dishwasher because I've "done it wrong".

Then I read your OP and realised that actually no, I cannot relate.

He sounds like an absolute boor and a misogynist to boot.

Have to say there are several neurodiverse people I know who do just bore you with facts and are very rigid in their thinking so it is a possibility.

Whether he is or isn't neurodiverse is completely irrelevant. He is a violent abusive asshole. Being neurodiverse doesn't make you a violent abusive asshole. Even if it did, it's totally irrelevant. When someone smashes up the bathroom because you did something they didn't like you don't spend time wondering why he did that you just get the hell out and don't look back.