My husband is driving me insane with his know it all personality

[Boymama1997]

My husband is driving a wedge between us. I feel like everything i say turns into a battle.
I could say the sky is blue and he'd bang on in the most condescending way about how it actually isn't.
Tonight I'm extra fed up, as we don't live in a great area I've said I want to take some classes so that should I ever need to I can defend myself, straight away or laughed at me, said I couldn't do it because I wear false eyelashes, and continued to tell me I didn't have it in me to do martial arts and I should just run if there's confrontation, I went on to try to explain that I couldn't run if I had our children (aged 2 to 9) as I couldn't carry them and even if I didn't, I have asthma and would struggle to run quickly and for prolonged time, he started trying to tell me asthma would mean I could learn self defence, but I know I can because in my early 20s I used to do martial arts (and got quite far on it) and it was easier to control my asthma doing the method of fighting than the the fitness aspect which included running.
Other people in our lives, friends and family have mentioned to me privately that find him difficult to speak to because of this personality trait.
I've also noticed that he will never ever admit if he's in the wrong, for example when talking about his exs he maintains with all of them he never did a single thing wrong. The time he got drunk in front of our kids and I had to remove them from the house and he smashed up the bathroom and got arrested, he still refused to admit he was in the wrong, it was apparently my fault because I took the kids away and he was sad as his friend had passed away (he got drunk at the funeral and continued at home, he hasn't spoke to this friend in years) please keep in mind this is an isolated incident of him doing the drinking side.
He does it with my older children (both M,aged 7 and 9)
They'll say something in simple terms like kids do and he will be like "well technically" and bore them with a big long lecture they don't understand because it's far too complex for them at the moment.
How can I handle this personality trait of his?

He sounds like my cousin's bore of a husband. 30 years on she hasn't found out how to get him to shut up. I don't think it's possible with this kind of arrogant know-all.
An example- recently I mentioned a place that a friend met her husband. He took ages to explain to me that actually, she didn't meet him, he met her, as he's older.

I hope he paid for the repairs to the bathroom

Christ - did the paint give up the ghost and peel off the wall?

Why are so many men like this?

It’s insufferable

@Fiftyandme God knows why. I certainly wouldn't put up with it!

You handle it by leaving him and being very clear with your children WHY. So they they do not think it's acceptable to be a nasty abusive arsehole like their father and go on to either abuse their partners or, wind up in abusive relationships. That's how you handle it. So now you know.

This 100% - your H is a nasty piece of shit! You either tell him and he changes (not going to happen) or your leave. From what you have said your kids will be pleased to see the back of this insufferable, abusive twat!

He's a walking nightmare get yourself and the children away from him.

He sounds awful. I personally wouldn’t have got further than the smashing up the bathroom incident.

if there’s one personality traits I can’t stand it’s people trying to patronise me. Can you and your kids really put up with some who thinks so little of your thoughts and opinions? Especially from someone who is supposed to be you and your children’s biggest supporter!!

You have 3 options:

1. Put up and shut up
2. Find your voice and speak up when he's doing it so he understands he needs to stfu
3. find the courage to leave him

Something tells me he’ll have a comeback to explain that her feelings are ‘wrong’ - I recognise this MO

Can't argue with that point of view tbh 👏🏻

Honestly, he doesn't sound a very nice man and for me, the getting drunk and smashing up the bathroom requiring you to get the kids and leave would be a massive red flag of things to come. Look after yourself and your children first and foremost and if that means leaving him, then do it. Good luck x

My ex was exactly like that.

Whew! I survived the husband bashing landslide and am able to finally respond.

If you took a single step back, and removed all of your emotions and opinions from your story, how much would be fact?

It's important to brass tacks your situation with raw unfiltered truth. Is he really that bad or is your story and the opinions of others skewed by your supposed grievances about your husband? Are your emotions and fears causing an injustice opinion of him. I'm not saying your wrong Ng, I'm saying give yourself the respect of being absolutely honest about what's going on.

Does your husband have unaddressed issues, whether mental or emotional that aren't be addressed?

Only when you get to the very basics of your situation you will 1. Have a cleaner picture of what is truly wrong. And 2. Be able to create a plan to focus on either working with your husband to resolve these issues, or begin your exit strategy.

I've never once, not one single time, heard my friends or families marital issues and it's been anywhere close to the truth. There is always an uncontrolled mix of emotions and opinions. Each of the guarding themselves from hurt or rejection Rarely do facts take the lead.

Go. Now. Don’t look back.

He's right about the sky though. It only looks blue because of Rayleigh scattering.

He will never change or improve. Because he doesn't even think he needs to. Leave him. I wasted 30 years of my life hoping things would improve. They don't. Please don't be like me and hope that he will improve. He will only get worse. And then you will realise you have wasted your life on a completely selfish cunt. And don't believe a word he says after you leave. He will insist that he will change and make you a load of promises he won't keep. DO NOT BELIEVE ANY OF IT !!

@Boymama1997

Goodness! This sounds really tough and draining, OP!

It seems to be his personality, not just a trait. The most concerning aspect aside for me is that he can’t ever admit he’s wrong. And the bathroom smashing example is the most relevant one of these. He can’t say he was upset, sad, drunk, scared, hurt, he’s sorry for losing control and scaring you and the kids? No remorse? I bet he doesn’t like you mentioning it, he seems to have a very fragile ego.

No.

Autistic people often tie themselves up in knots worrying they’ve done things wrong, upset people, so although I can see why ND is questioned, it crossed my mind, I don’t think it is.

Sorry OP, but I am also in the camp of, Get some personal therapy, do the class and build your confidence, and workout your exit strategy.

Maybe get some Domestic Abuse advice and support as yes, he may well escalate should you leave.

Good luck!

First of all, everyone is neurodiverse. Nobody "has neurodiversity". What you mean is, could he be autistic. Say what you actually mean.

I am autistic, and utterly sick of seeing on here every time someone describes poor behaviour and even abuse by grown adult men "maybe they're ND!" Autism does not = abusive. It does not make grown adults get drunk and smash up bathrooms. And does it bloody matter? This man has been arrested for his drunken, abusive behaviour and damaged his children's home. Whether or not there may be an undiagnosed neurodevelopmental condition is a moot point. He should never have been allowed back in the house after doing that. SMH.

Your friends and family are essentially telling you they dislike him.

You say ‘my older DC’ which suggests he isn’t their father. You’ve subjected them to this man - change that asap.

My sister was like this. She had an opinion on absolutely everything and hers was always always the correct one. And she'd die before apologising. It became like nails on a blackboard and I am nc with her, she's insufferable.

Tell your dh you're leaving him if he doesn't stop being an absolute fuckhead immediately and permanently.

By personality trait did you mean to say prick?
that’s what he is. A blame everyone knobhead.
Absolutely do the self defence class and start defending yourself from his bullying by getting an exit plan. He will try make it your fault but it sounds like others know better anyway

This is the ONLY answer

This man belongs to the real' entitled Dictator type. A no holds barred, complete arsehole. He also sounds as though he may well have a worsening mental health problem based around aggression and violence.

You need to get rid of him pronto as l fear for your physical safety and that of your family.

Get in touch with some Advice and Support Agencies about what to do.
Social Services etc.

All the best
🌻😻🤞
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