Does your partner say I love you in and out of the bedroom?

[lovenotwar149]

Ok ladies , I'm putting it out there quite bravely.....
Y'day my hubby and I were making out (nice) and in the moment I said 'I love you' and he said nothing. I was ok with this. The session went on , it was lovely and we had a meal out after too. Lovely , all good.
In recent times , several months now, the topic of saying I love you has come up by me. That is , saying it in general , not necessarily whist making out. I have asked him why he rarely , rarely , says it. He hasn't really come up with anything on that , other than agree that he doesn't say it to me, nor compliment much either. He tells our 3 adult sons that he loves them regularly when appropriate etc. He says he wants them to feel loved. I like that he does this towards our sons btw. No jealously there. Its a different relationship.
I am starting to have an issue with this. He's a decent man btw ppl , VERY marriage material. Stable , reliable, funny , great at DIY. He's not at all selfish in the bedroom might I add too. Any thoughts ??

He's not very good at making me feel special ,attractive etc

My DP tells me he loves me in and out of the bedroom yes. It’s one of the first things he says every morning and the last thing he says at night. He says it many times in between too…as do I. Each time is special it’s never too much. Sorry you don’t feel like he make you feel special

Kitchenbattle

How very lovely for you :)

Some people aren’t sayers.

does he show you he loves you?

Thwart

I hear you ,I hear you. Yes I would've to say he does 'show' me he loves me in a number of ways.

Having said that, b/c I am such a sayer and words of affirmation are so one of my love languages ( the other is quality time) , I struggle when I DONT HEAR anything from him in that way.

We are fostering a guide dog at the moment and every night without fail , I kiss him on the head and say I love you and man it feels so good today it, I need today it. And with my hubby its 'night' s'times with a kiss , he may imitate a kiss too or I will , in a casual way. It kinda sucks/hurts

not today 'to say '

My husband has rarely said "I love you" though he does do it when he texts me but I just think he feels weird saying it but he is kind, generous, thoughtful and makes me laugh. Occasionally I'll say " do you still love me?" in a jokey way. He says yes.
We've been married 3 years and together 7 (now 62 and 66)

I could be sitting in the throws of period cramps or an illness and my husband looks at me like I'm a vision. His love for me shines out of him in actions and words.

If you don't feel loved then it chips away at your soul. No matter how much marriage material they are.

I would say no one is perfect. If he shows he loves you, perhaps that’s enough?

I literally know zero couples like this in long term relationships. I’m not saying it’s not the case in yours, but I think it’s a very unrealistic ideal.

Mine (on the spectrum) wouldn't be able to say it, yes,in cards, and in real life, shows it, been married 26 years, together 36.

Does he spend "quality time" with you?
What's his love language? Do you tell him you love him in his love language?

Words are easy. I'd take "show" over "tell" every single time.

has he changed since you have been together? If not, I dont think you can really complain

The love languages thing is interesting, because I find the concept of 'well he shows me he loves me in other ways' a bit weird. If you want to show someone that you love them, then logically you would want to do it in a way that means they do actually feel loved. Otherwise... whats the point? Do these people who say 'well i show love in other ways' actually want their partner to feel loved, because i find it very weird that someone would knowingly continue to not to something and contribute to their partner not feeling love. There's definitely middle grounds to be reached, but the idea that you have to feel loved by the way your partner shows love and if you dont, you are the problem... weird concept.

Together 20 years, my DH hasn't once said 'I love you' unless I've said it first, which I rarely do. He rarely compliments my appearance - I just think he doesn't really notice whether I look good or not, which has its advantages as I'm getting greyer and fatter!

However, I know he loves me. He's loving, affectionate, he makes me laugh, he accepts my faults, I accept his. Yes, I'd like it if he verbalised it occasionally, but I prefer to feel loved than just hear it.

My DP isn't a 'sayer' and is of the age when men didn't really show emotions but he tells me he loves me frequently. Tesco. The petrol station. Emptying the dishwasher. The bedroom.

But there's the whole package and I FEEL loved. My exh used to say I love you but his actions said very different.

Op if your partner can tell his kids and the dog he loves them but not you, and you don't FEEL loved, then he doesn't love you the way you want.

Can you live with that?

Everyone shows their love in different ways.. you either make peace with it.. or don't. I'm a bit like your husband tbh.. I'm not very wordy and find it embarrassing. It was never said to me as a kid. So I try as a parent. I try to make it up in different ways. No one is perfect. Though, these days everyone is expected to be.

Yes, yes he does. I am someone who needs to hear it occasionally and witness it. I don't live with my partner, but we talk every day and message throughout the day. He always starts his messages with 'hello beautiful' and ends them with 'I love you'. When we are together he tells me he loves me a lot and tells me that I look great today and that I'm beautiful.

I was someone who had very low self esteem, but with him, I can feel it growing. I now feel beautiful.

My husband is the same. He often says it just as we are going to sleep and not really at other times unless I say it first. He definitely a strong silent type and years ago when I discussed it with him he thinks those that say it a lot don’t mean it and he always assures me he is crazy about me and I’m the most amazing person he’s ever met. I’ve learnt that this the way he is and when he shows or says anything affectionate I know he means it.

Yes, we both say it often 😃

thx for replies, interesting. I just distance myself when I think he is cold tbh. Not ideal I know , but a coping strategy for me. I feel interestingly very likeable and lovable and attractive ,mores as I have got older interestingly. It does hurt when I dont hear these things from me, but mostly not in the way it used to and I do on the whole feel confident still. Y'day it hurt and thats ok. I will rise. I always seem to. I like being married to him in more ways than I dont so I stay , but we dont have the 'emotional' connection I crave. But I have the dog ...lol! Thx again ppl.

I used to say to dh “do you love me?” or ask him to “tell me that you love me” and he’d say “of course”, or, “you know I do” but once he understood that I need to hear it, not just to know it, he started obliging me. And now it’s something we both say often.

I say it to everyone I love: dh, the dc, the cat, my dm, my siblings. In 16 years my autistic dc has said it to me a total of 4 times, each time with an expression of mild surprise that it’s actually true. He cannot lie so if he doesn’t feel it, he doesn’t say it.

But while dh says it to me, this thread has made me realise that he seldom says it to the dc, or at least not in my earshot. His dps never say it to him, and I once caught a flash of something like longing on his face when my df was hugging me goodbye. I wonder if I should try and encourage him to say it to our dc.

And I think he has cognitive empathy but not emotional empathy, kinda sad for me and also for 'us'

Dh almost never says this. Maybe 5 times in 2-3 years and usually when making up after a rare big row

However I am in absolutely no doubt that he loves me . He is much better then me in organising things for us to do together. He is always trying to make my life easier with offers and acts of service. If I am upset about somethings, he wil always try to do things to make things better, solve the problem or to cheer me up/ distract me.

He is less good at just listening and empathising but has even improved at that over the years last 25 years , as he knows this is sometimes what I need

I don't say I love you much either though so have no problem that he doesn't say it much at all

Why would someone not tell the person they're sharing their entire life, home, perhaps children with that they love them?

If you're married you promised to love until death. Why not just say it?
It seems so buttoned up not to be able to say it to the one person you chose in the world.

My grandad never told my grandma he loved her.
After she died he really regretted it.

After she died he put a memorial in the local paper saying I love you. It was too late.