Does your partner say I love you in and out of the bedroom?

[lovenotwar149]

Ok ladies , I'm putting it out there quite bravely.....
Y'day my hubby and I were making out (nice) and in the moment I said 'I love you' and he said nothing. I was ok with this. The session went on , it was lovely and we had a meal out after too. Lovely , all good.
In recent times , several months now, the topic of saying I love you has come up by me. That is , saying it in general , not necessarily whist making out. I have asked him why he rarely , rarely , says it. He hasn't really come up with anything on that , other than agree that he doesn't say it to me, nor compliment much either. He tells our 3 adult sons that he loves them regularly when appropriate etc. He says he wants them to feel loved. I like that he does this towards our sons btw. No jealously there. Its a different relationship.
I am starting to have an issue with this. He's a decent man btw ppl , VERY marriage material. Stable , reliable, funny , great at DIY. He's not at all selfish in the bedroom might I add too. Any thoughts ??

All the time, he had to go out briefly this morning said bye, love you. Came back before I left for work, kiss, hug, have a good day, love you as I went out the door.

Seems an odd thing to be hung up about after all this time. Actions speak louder than words.

Do you look at him the same way?

@lovenotwar149 it was advice someone married a long time gave us. Firstly, even in disagreements remember who this person is to you, you are meant to love each other so consider your words. Secondly, treat it like you are in your first year of relationship forever. Listen, pay attention to the things that are important to them. They might not be important to you but you would feel let down if they in turn didn't consider the things that are important to you. And thirdly words mean nothing if they are not backed up by actions.

I have two young adult sons, they often open the fridge to a giant love heart hand drawn by Dh on paper for me to find. My lovely MIL raised an incredible man, I tried to do the same for mine. If I am in the kitchen making a cup of tea and one of the boys walks in they will get the milk from the fridge without being asked, they just see you need it or if you have just used it they will take it and put it back whilst you are stirring your cup.

I think you have a great husband because of everything you mentioned. However, I would talk to him about things that are important to you, like telling you he loves you and tell him he is modelling behaviour of a man to a woman for his children. Would he want his DILs to feel upset about not being told they are loved or complimented?

It would be an odd day in our house if we didn't say it. We always say it in the morning before we go our separate ways, last thing at night in bed. A random cuddle in the kitchen. On message during the day - just to show we're thinking of each other. We're just a bit soppy I think 😆

Yes mine does quite regularly and I do too. I definitely wasn’t a sayer early on in our relationship - I grew up knowing I was loved but rarely hearing I love you - So almost had to force myself to say it, but now it comes more naturally and I will say it probably once or twice a day. Maybe you just need to explain to your husband whilst you know he loves you can he please just articulate it in words, Probably more often than he feels comfortable with, but that this is something that you would value and appreciate.

We say it multiple times a day, basically any time we part ways.

Thanks for those words - appreciated

@SunnySideDeepDownno offence taken here! i agree with you about how hard long term relationships are 30+ years not easy and when times are difficult it can be very difficult to keep love alive, and this is maybe our way of dealing with that. I'm certainly not looking like I did when we met, neither is he, but we are together and so far haven't fundamentally hurt each other enough to let that slip. We both still fancy each other and that helps.

I don't think using a word lessens it though, especially the love word, using it correctly brings comfort generally(love doesn't diminish the more kids you have, it just grows with your family analogy) we aren't all over each other in public or SM either.
I can only speak from my situation but if your committed to each other and you only say I love you 3 times a year for example, should it suddenly hit you like a ton of bricks they said something which is so (for me) fundamental in building a loving safe environment. Why does it mean more when only said rarely? I would see it a a base line, a given your partner loves you, especially as one in OPs initial post, she's asking to be told she's loved, how can you not respond to your partner when asked , tell me you love me?(Unless they are not sure?, have different expectations) To withhold saying what means a lot to your partner to me feels dodgy ground.
Obviously there are many factors why we act how we do (therapy helps!) that should maybe be explored. I wouldn't tell anyone I didn't I loved them. Just because I say It a lot doesn't mean I don't also say when I'm upset, annoyed etc.

OP is only asking for words of comfort from someone they should be seeking comfort from. Iv members in my family who are the opposite from me, don't say It, but I know they do, and that's ok, but I'm not in a romantic relationship with them.

Let's be honest though, it shouldn't be unrealistic.

A lot of people hate their partners unfortunately. Or are at the least, only with them out of convenience. It doesn't make sense imo, I mean, that's a flatmate. If they don't absolutely fucking adore you and vice versa, best to just stay single.

No, not at all. But that's fine. I am slightly suspicious of people who say "I love you" so often - it feels meaningless and devalues the currency.
My partner does things to help me, like fixing my car, carrying the shopping, bringing me coffee - I think that is more than enough.

Well, maybe but if you must be feeling in lust with your partner constantly then you’re going to have a lot of partners in your lifetime!

Ive been with my husband for 20yrs - in that time we’ve had ups (3 kids, lots of love and fun, house moves, job changes, holidays) and plenty of downs (stress, hormones, annoyance, normal life changes, pressures).

If we had split every time we were heavily annoyed with each other, I’d be on husband number 4 I’d imagine.

Can I ask how long you’ve been with your husband/partner? Long term relationships aren’t like the movies; because we live in real life. It’s exactly how it “should” be in my opinion, which is why it’s common to have to work on a marriage.

Perhaps the theory of love languages explains this well. Some people want to hear those three exact words. Others want action, or touch or gestures.

I guess the difficulty comes when the partners want different ways of expressing love.

DH & I say it a lot ❤️

Only reading your post do I realise that I haven’t heard my DH say I love you for over a decade! I haven’t noticed because I’m probably not much of a one for saying it either tbh but more importantly because I feel so loved and cherished by him every day. He is not perfect (never known anyone to dither so much!) but he brings me tea in bed every morning and looks at my smudgy morning pillow-scrunched face as if it’s the best thing he’s ever seen, that kind of thing. If your DH isn’t saying it, but he’s showing you he loves you, that’s more significant, in my eyes. Surely it’s easier to say I Love You than it is to act lovingly every day year in and year out 🤷🏽‍♀️

this is really on the money! Well said imo.
Interestingly , mu husband gave me a small peck on the lis today and ...wait for it ...said I love you,
He listened. He's a good guy I believe.

I loved reading this! Loved it!

Aw that’s nice to hear! Maybe he’s on mumsnet 😂😂

Thats hilarious!!!! Lol! Maybe he is!

I'm confused. Sorry if you've said it, but you've got adult children so you've presumably been together a long time? Anyway my partner of a decade says it and I feel means it in a very real way. My ex before him never said it. He seemed to struggle a bit with empathy. He was, though, in many ways a very good partner: he was practical, would do things for me, physically available. Something missing though which was hard to articulate. That's just my experience, though. It might have been he didn't love me, or didn't really love. I was never sure.

I think my husband does love me but he comes from a very 'emotionally cold' background so he struggles to express it. He has cognitive empathy but low emotional empathy. Guess he's doing the best he can and fortunately he does listen and then tries to give me what I ask for but then slips back intoned ways again

typo - slips back into old ways

Mine says it a lot in person and in messages.

He's not been well this year and tells me I'm his rock and he couldn't wish for a better wife

He also says this is not what I signed up for when I married him but I would rather sit by his bed every day, than not have met him at all.

When he's well he spoils me and is so generous with his affections and his words (and his money) that I have no doubt of his feelings for me.

You’ve been together a long time so has he always been like this or is it more recently?
Have you raised it with him before or only recently?

I’ve been married twice and in both marriages have said it almost daily. That we had the same behaviour in my first marriage is an indication that not everyone who says it means it. Or at least behaves the way you should with their spouses.

It’s perhaps not about others’ it’s about your own feelings and how you talk to each other.

My husband tells me he loves me in & out of the bedroom, even when he gets out of the car to go into a shop he gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me.