Does your partner say I love you in and out of the bedroom?

[lovenotwar149]

Ok ladies , I'm putting it out there quite bravely.....
Y'day my hubby and I were making out (nice) and in the moment I said 'I love you' and he said nothing. I was ok with this. The session went on , it was lovely and we had a meal out after too. Lovely , all good.
In recent times , several months now, the topic of saying I love you has come up by me. That is , saying it in general , not necessarily whist making out. I have asked him why he rarely , rarely , says it. He hasn't really come up with anything on that , other than agree that he doesn't say it to me, nor compliment much either. He tells our 3 adult sons that he loves them regularly when appropriate etc. He says he wants them to feel loved. I like that he does this towards our sons btw. No jealously there. Its a different relationship.
I am starting to have an issue with this. He's a decent man btw ppl , VERY marriage material. Stable , reliable, funny , great at DIY. He's not at all selfish in the bedroom might I add too. Any thoughts ??

My DH tells me he loves me all the time. Not just "love you", but a heart felt "I love you so much".

But as for making me feel special in other ways and paying me nice compliments, I recently told him how I need so much more from him in that regard, and that I get more attention from guys at the gym than I do my own husband. He was horrified and said he thinks I look so hot all of the time, but hadn't realised that he'd not been saying it out loud.

He's getting better at it, bit it's slow progress.

And:

• yes, I tell him he looks really handsome often and compliment him on specific things like how much I love his eyes, biceps etc
• yes, I need that level of validation, from my own husband certainly 🤷🏼‍♀️

SeaAndStars

I really agree with that ...why WOULDNT u tell that person u love them. But he wont.Period and their ain't nothing I can do about it. Sad imo

It'll be interesting ,now I have shone the light on it in a calm and composed manner , he will 'see it' when our sons visit and he says it out aloud to them in my earshot. I am not saying it with criticism but with hurt and acceptance. Its been exposed and he knows I am hurt by it

Yeah, in fact we're more likely to say it outside of the bedroom than in. Is this a change, did he used to say it more but stopped or was he always slow to say it to you?

he is reticent with such things. He's lazy with the relationship emotionally speaking

This is like a reverse of me and my DH (sort of). He tells me he loves me very frequently – multiple times a day – and I don't say it back to him very often. Not never or very rarely, but not as much as he'd like. It categorically has NOTHING to do with the depth of my feelings for him, it's just that expressing my feelings vocally, especially in terms of endearment and compliments, doesn't come very naturally to me. I think all these nice things, it just doesn't come easy forming them into words out loud.

I'm not sure why – sometimes I think it's something like feeling awkwardness or embarrassment.

I recognise I need to work on it and I try to. I think it's important for him to hear it.

Not every day, but often. He also shows me every day by taking care of our home, looking out for me and so on

I’d rather someone showed me they love me than say it. Point being if felt it then wouldn’t need to say it.

Sorry, but I’d suggest that maybe he doesn’t actually love you. He can say it to your sons so you know he CAN say it. He just chooses not to say it to you. I think most partners, if asked, would say ‘of course I love you’, or similar - unless they didn’t (and even then many would say it under duress).

It sounds like there are issues in your relationship and that you’ve been just putting up with and accepting things you don’t like.

To me - the constant "I love you"'s are so so fake and unnatural. Ending text messages with declarations are cringy. And - most importantly - the constant repetition of such special words make them lose any meaning for me and they become just an automatic thing people say.

People are different in how they are and how we perceive words and people. OP - you have been married a long time and have grown up children. You say he is a good husband, and shows you he loves you. You really need to count your blessings.
I don't really think you doubt if he loves you, but yet you are hurt when he doesn't say it back. It is really not about him here - it is more about you.

I am similar to him. I make a conscious effort to say it to my kids sometimes - because I understand it's something people do in UK. My mom never said it to me - not because she was a terrible mother, but because I am from a different culture where we don't really talk to our children this way. Incidentally - I never questioned if she loved me - I didn't ever need to. It was always obvious I was her priority. I have to make an effort to say it - as it's not natural to me to talk like that. And I do love my kids more than anything.
But with my partner - I don't want to have to make myself say things in this way. I love him and I show love in the way that actually is meaningful to me - if he wants me to pretend and do something that feels fake - what sort of love is it???

Thanks for further thoughts , I will ponder....
P.S. I love you all!!!! Loool!
Just needed today it! I wonder if anyone will say it back to me!
Its good to laugh at oneself hey!

Er…. High five?😅

Remember: actions speak louder than words

I’m sure your grandad showed your granmother he loved her , I bet she knew ..
It’s awful to feel regret though x

Cripes! This creeks of neediness - stop now!

IME the best way to achieve want you want is to absolutely stop asking for it. Your husband is a human being not a romcom character. As much as you’d like this affirmation, showing that you really need it is probably one of the most off-putting things you can do.

I'm the sort of person (insecure?) who needs to hear "I love you regularly.".

It has been an issue in at least one of my romantic relationships previously. Certainly became one towards the end (when he quite clearly didn't).

Currently single, but fortunate to have parents, a daughter, and three extremely close female friends, all of whom tell me they love me - and I tell them too.

For me it doesn't HAVE to be romantic love - just want to know, and hear, that I am loved.

Closest thing I have to a romantic relationship now is my lovely FWB. In a strange way I probably DO love him - certainly care for him a lot - just not in a romantic, exclusive, "we have a future together" sense. So certainly I wouldn't tell him I loved him unless he said it to me first (which I wouldn't actually wildly object to, for reasons stated above. Tho it would certainly complicate things).

I get you OP - it's perfectly ok to need to hear this stuff.

I wouldn't leave someone over the words alone tho (or lack of them) . I'd need to weigh everything up and really consider if, on balance, there was enough affection and validation in the relationship to make up for the lack of "I love you"s. Or not....

There isn't one right answer to this one. Different strokes for different folks.

We are that couple, easily multiple times a day, face to face, on messages, calls. Cause we do, it's free! Life can be hard, and sometimes all you have is that.

Bills piling up, work never ending, telling your partner you love them is a comfort to you both. Doesn't mean we don't argue, annoy and drive each other insane. We share a bed, we can share our feelings too. In our relationship we talk pretty openly, which can veer wildly about frustration at each other to fancying each other. Personally I couldnt live with someone who doesn't openly show their feelings.

Loads of relationships are a power struggle, I see them, people scared due to past trauma, imbalance of finances, resentments. to live with that And to not hear you are loved, to me would feel empty.

I totally get others don't act like me, or expect them to, I'm just stating that we are that couple, I'm not being smug or judgemental. Each relationship is made up of so many factors. Everyone feels low, has issues to deal with and for our long term relationship to get through family struggles it helps to know your loved, even in the hard times

No offence at all meant by this, but I didn’t take your post or the one to be smug. Like you say, all relationships have the normal ups and downs. Declaring love for someone multiple times a day doesn’t mean you love your partner more than the person who waits for more meaningful moments. It just means you say particular words more often.

The previous poster I was responding to was saying her partner looks at her like a vision at all times and that his love shines out of him through actions. Like some cheesy teenage romcom. BS.

Long term relationships with kids are hard work. They can be real tests to people, hence many don’t survive. People are flawed and therefore relationships are flawed. None of that means relationships don’t have love, happiness, security, kindness, hope etc. But real relationships are more than loving glances. They’re deeper and more complicated than that.

My husband doesn't say it much, to me or our children. However, he does act in a way that makes us feel loved.
It would be weird if he started saying it now, after 34 years. In fact, sometimes I say "do you still love me" and he always says "nah", and once he said "yes" and I was actually a bit perturbed by it.

This is my Dh too, we have been together for almost 30 years. He still looks at me like we are in the first year of dating. I feel the same way about him. We both put our phones down if the other one is talking, full attention, same with the children, we have always made sure they know how important they are.

Dh says I love you all the time, sends it to me in texts if he is working in the office. Hugs are freely given all the time. We also hug our adult sons goodnight too or upon seeing them if they have been away for a bit.

I think it would be strange to witness a couple where one person says I love you and the other person doesn't reply with the same sentiment. I know this is all about actions rather than words but still it feels a bit cold to me.

Mine says it what seems like every ten minutes. Sometimes I say it back but often, I ignore it and carry on. He does mean it and he shows it too but sometimes I think he says it too much and he's asked if he does. I don't think he can help it. Actually now I think about it, I'd miss it if he stopped. I'll be a bit nice to him today! lol

My late husband used to say to me "Have I told you I love you today?"

wow, lucky lucky you!!!

lol

I think my husband has an avoidant attachment style and finds it very hard to be vulnerable. Still hurts when I am the opposite and very expressive and able to be vulnerable. Its an opposites attraction kind of thing I guess. Oh well, see the good I guess ,we are VERY financially secure, he doesnt look at other woman AT ALL, and he's amazing at fixing things ,cooking and gardening.

Cant have it all! If he had 'dancing eyes' which I see in so many men , that would be hard to take!