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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Surely this isn’t normal????

83 replies

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 09:53

Tiny bit of background. Have been with my partner for three years, lived together for one. I have one child from previous relationship he has none.

When things are good they are great, but more often than not these days things are awful at home.

He will do things like check the ring door bell camera and listen in to conversations I’ve either had with a neighbour, a friend, a family member. If he can’t fully hear what is spoken about he will ask me about what we were talking about. Obviously it’s just chit chat but he will act really suspicious which I find odd.

If I go on a rare night out with friends or with work, no matter what I wear he has an issue with it. Dress is too short, too much boob out. Pre warns me about how I should be smiling if I happen to put any thing on my social media, as doing all the ‘pouting’ gives off the wrong impression. To who? I have a private social media account with only friends and family on there!

asks me to take photos I’ve posted from night out down from social media if he doesn’t like them. I refuse which then causes arguments as I always push back as I think the behaviour is really strange. I don’t think like he does at all and some of his way of thinking absolutely baffles me.

I go on my phone too much apparently. He doesn’t like me having a password to my txt messages (reason for this is because there are private group chats with friends on there and I wouldn’t want anyone having access to private conversations)
no matter what I do or say to make him realise this isn’t normal behaviour it is always turned around back onto me. That i should respect him, and that im the one who reacts badly.

at the moment im just consumed with wondering is it me? Do I react the wrong way? I can’t cope with this anymore but when i try to speak to him about it, somehow I’m left even more confused and questioning myself.

OP posts:
GrannyGoggles · 01/10/2025 09:56

You need to be out of this relationship asap

R0ckandHardPlace · 01/10/2025 09:59

It isn’t you. Don’t let him convince you that it’s you. It is him and him alone.

They don’t change. Take it from one who knows. No amount of pandering to him and dancing to his tune to ease his insecurities will work. Trying to reassure him will only make his gaslighting worse.

You know you need to get rid of him. It might take a little bit of time for you to fully get your head around that but posting on here is the first step. Keep going! 💪🏼

Stoneblock · 01/10/2025 10:01

You know it's not normal and there are other words for it. Get your child out of there, before she learns that's how she should be treated too.

DaisyChain505 · 01/10/2025 10:03

Of course this isn’t normal. He was putting on his best self at the beginning of the relationship and now that you live together and he feels comfortable that he’s “got you” he’s let his mask slip and is showing his true self.

This isn’t going to magically reverse, this is who he is. He has showed you, believe him.

You have a child to protect in this whole scenario.

SeaAndStars · 01/10/2025 10:05

It isn't you.
It isn't normal.
It's no way to live OP. You and your child should be free to be who you want and do what you want. You don't need this mans approval and he should not be seeking to control you like he is.

You only have one precious life. Do not let this man spoil any more of your days. Get the hell out.

TwistedWonder · 01/10/2025 10:05

Of course it’s not normal. He’s a controlling abusive cunt

Get this man out of your life - nothing will
improve and he shouldn’t be anywhere near your child

HappyToSmile · 01/10/2025 10:07

Hes showing you exactly who he is and it will only get worse. People like him dont change (but he can get worse!)
Do you own the house together or just rent?

Coffeeishot · 01/10/2025 10:09

GrannyGoggles · 01/10/2025 09:56

You need to be out of this relationship asap

Yes this, he is insecure and controlling wrapped up as "concern" he will never change.

notatinydancer · 01/10/2025 10:10

You need to end this controlling relationship now while you can. It will get to the point where you’re on eggshells, you won’t go out , it will be a nightmare.

susiedaisy1912 · 01/10/2025 10:10

It’s not you. It’s him. You need to end this relationship.

Osmosisfreight · 01/10/2025 10:11

If a friend told you this what would you say? I think you know it’s not normal, and you would tell them so. It wont get better, and he won’t change. I’m worried it will turn physical, please leave.

Coffeeishot · 01/10/2025 10:12

I don't know how old your child is but he could well turn on them taking up to much of your time or if you have conversations without him etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2025 10:14

Its not you, its him. He targeted you as a single mother to abuse you.

What is the situation re the property?. Did he for example move into your home by degrees?.

The relationship needs to end with immediate effect. His controlling behaviour is abusive in nature and he wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Such men do not change and in addition they hate women, all of them. He is certainly no decent role model for your child either.

Springtimehere · 01/10/2025 10:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 01/10/2025 10:15

You are in a controlling relationship, this is abuse you need to get out before it gets worse (look up the boiling frog theory). Please speak to Women’s aid and look into doing the Freedom Program.

Lookingforhomesolutions · 01/10/2025 10:15

Echo the above posters - get out! This is coercive control. My other concern is, is this man looking after your child while you are out?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2025 10:16

Going forward too, enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

Springtimehere · 01/10/2025 10:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TwistedWonder · 01/10/2025 10:18

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2025 10:14

Its not you, its him. He targeted you as a single mother to abuse you.

What is the situation re the property?. Did he for example move into your home by degrees?.

The relationship needs to end with immediate effect. His controlling behaviour is abusive in nature and he wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Such men do not change and in addition they hate women, all of them. He is certainly no decent role model for your child either.

Agree. Did he move into your OP? Does he financially contribute?

If it’s your home get him gone NOW

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 10:18

Thanks for everyone’s replies I really appreciate it! I needed some outside clarification on my thoughts. Just to address a couple of questions. No he does not look after my child alone and the house we live in is mine and I own it solely.

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 01/10/2025 10:19

None of this is even remotely normal or acceptable. It’s abusive. This is coercive control.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2025 10:19

Abuse thrives on secrecy so you have taken a small but important step in writing about this on here. Am certain too that one or two of your own social circle have their own private based suspicions re this man.

TwistedWonder · 01/10/2025 10:20

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 10:18

Thanks for everyone’s replies I really appreciate it! I needed some outside clarification on my thoughts. Just to address a couple of questions. No he does not look after my child alone and the house we live in is mine and I own it solely.

Think we all guessed he moved into you home. And I bet he doesn’t pay his fair share

Get him out

Holdonforsummer · 01/10/2025 10:21

Please leave, this is how seriously abusive relationships start.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2025 10:22

I thought he had moved into yours. Now you need to get him out. This is easier to do given that you own this property solely.

You owe this man nothing, let alone a relationship here.
I would put his stuff in bin bags and change the locks. Have trusted friends with or family members you when this is going on.