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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Surely this isn’t normal????

83 replies

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 09:53

Tiny bit of background. Have been with my partner for three years, lived together for one. I have one child from previous relationship he has none.

When things are good they are great, but more often than not these days things are awful at home.

He will do things like check the ring door bell camera and listen in to conversations I’ve either had with a neighbour, a friend, a family member. If he can’t fully hear what is spoken about he will ask me about what we were talking about. Obviously it’s just chit chat but he will act really suspicious which I find odd.

If I go on a rare night out with friends or with work, no matter what I wear he has an issue with it. Dress is too short, too much boob out. Pre warns me about how I should be smiling if I happen to put any thing on my social media, as doing all the ‘pouting’ gives off the wrong impression. To who? I have a private social media account with only friends and family on there!

asks me to take photos I’ve posted from night out down from social media if he doesn’t like them. I refuse which then causes arguments as I always push back as I think the behaviour is really strange. I don’t think like he does at all and some of his way of thinking absolutely baffles me.

I go on my phone too much apparently. He doesn’t like me having a password to my txt messages (reason for this is because there are private group chats with friends on there and I wouldn’t want anyone having access to private conversations)
no matter what I do or say to make him realise this isn’t normal behaviour it is always turned around back onto me. That i should respect him, and that im the one who reacts badly.

at the moment im just consumed with wondering is it me? Do I react the wrong way? I can’t cope with this anymore but when i try to speak to him about it, somehow I’m left even more confused and questioning myself.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 01/10/2025 10:23

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 10:18

Thanks for everyone’s replies I really appreciate it! I needed some outside clarification on my thoughts. Just to address a couple of questions. No he does not look after my child alone and the house we live in is mine and I own it solely.

Well then what are you waiting for?

take the day off work, have your child out of the house somewhere safe, have an adult you trust in the home with you, pack up his things, get the locks changed and let him know it’s over.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2025 10:24

Yep he just wanted to get his feet under your table and moved into yours by degrees. He thought you were so bloody desperate for male company as a single mother that you would put up with any old shite from him. Such men indeed hate women, all of them.

hidinginthebathroomagain · 01/10/2025 10:26

Run away ffs

susiedaisy1912 · 01/10/2025 10:26

Oh so you have a controlling cocklodger. Honestly op he brings nothing to the table, eventually he will dominate every single aspect of your life whilst contributing very little. Don’t get pregnant by him.

AgentPidge · 01/10/2025 10:27

DaisyChain505 · 01/10/2025 10:23

Well then what are you waiting for?

take the day off work, have your child out of the house somewhere safe, have an adult you trust in the home with you, pack up his things, get the locks changed and let him know it’s over.

Yep, I came on to say this. Have someone with you, confront him, get him out and change the locks.

He is insecure and he won't change. He'll get jealous of your friends. My ex was like this and it ended up with him blacking my eye - twice - before I left. I got a friend to help me and got out.

Whyjustwhy83 · 01/10/2025 10:28

End it as this behaviour will get worse, he's controlling, I assume he wasn't like this before he moved in?

NorthernLass2025 · 01/10/2025 10:28

Of my hubby did any of this I would be away because this is not normal behaviour

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 10:32

I know what I need to do 100%. I’m worried about all the backlash this is going to cause. It will come out of the blue to everyone we know and having to explain things to people and him then acting like a victim.

OP posts:
LatteLady · 01/10/2025 10:34

So many red flags @whatsnew123 , but well done for recognising this an questioning it... You need to ask him to leave, then you need to change the pass codes on your Ring doorbell, phone and computers, so that he is no longer able to access them and I would probably change your locks, too.

Canopop · 01/10/2025 10:36

Change the locks, break up and just explain how you have here to your family/friends about why it’s broke down. He can play the victim as much as he likes makes no difference and only makes him look more pathetic

Coffeeishot · 01/10/2025 10:36

Let him act the victim, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You can say it wasn't working for you, but you don't have to.go into detail which he would deny anyway.

TwistedWonder · 01/10/2025 10:37

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 10:32

I know what I need to do 100%. I’m worried about all the backlash this is going to cause. It will come out of the blue to everyone we know and having to explain things to people and him then acting like a victim.

So what? Who cares what anyone thinks ? He’s an abuser - as long as you’re free from him nothing else matters

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 10:37

He always says to me it’s all In my head and that I constantly think negatively about him and that he’s not actually doing the things I’m thinking he is? Does that make sense? It makes me feel like I’m Going mad and then I question myself

OP posts:
Canopop · 01/10/2025 10:39

This is classic gaslighting putting it back on you! Don’t accept it!

Hellohelga · 01/10/2025 10:39

Surely you know this isn’t normal?

TwistedWonder · 01/10/2025 10:40

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 10:37

He always says to me it’s all In my head and that I constantly think negatively about him and that he’s not actually doing the things I’m thinking he is? Does that make sense? It makes me feel like I’m Going mad and then I question myself

That’s called gaslighting and it’s a classic abuse tactic. Google DARVO.

You know he’s abusing you - why would you allow this to continue?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 01/10/2025 10:43

Fuck what everyone else thinks.

RosaMundi27 · 01/10/2025 10:46

This is controlling and abusive and will only get worse. Please get him out of your house and away from you and your child asap.
Tell him it's over and give him a date to move out. He has no legal right to stay beyond that date, and he has no legal rights to the property, only for his own personal stuff, which can be put in a storage unit.
Keep calm and strong - you will not regret ending things with him.
Just think of how blissful the house will be when he's no longer there.
Wishing you the very best.

MagpiePi · 01/10/2025 10:49

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 10:32

I know what I need to do 100%. I’m worried about all the backlash this is going to cause. It will come out of the blue to everyone we know and having to explain things to people and him then acting like a victim.

You don't need to explain the details if you don't want to. Keep it vague - "it wasn't working out / we wanted different things / we were growing apart"

It is not your problem if he acts like a victim. It just shows him up for the pathetic, selfish arse that he is.

isthismylifenow · 01/10/2025 10:51

You are not going mad OP. All of these points you have mentioned are not normal, and not good.

You used a phrase that I used recently when my dd was going through a tough time in her relationship. When it was good, things were good. Now they are bad, everything about this is bad. If it is not positive for you, you DO NOT have to stay in this environment.

You have made a post because deep down you know it is bad now. And good for you for seeing it and voicing it here.

It will be difficult, but he is going to have to go. You have your child in this environment to consider too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2025 10:53

Forget about any potential backlash, that should be the least of your concerns here along with him. Let this worm go around saying oh she left me.

giving you spaghetti head if what abusers do. He is using DARVO against you as well(deny attack reverse victim offender).

As I said before I am certain that one or two friends etc have their own private based concerns about him. Your child deserves a far better role model for a stepfather figure too.

Zempy · 01/10/2025 10:54

You need to get rid of him ASAP.

Who cares what anyone else thinks or says?

isthismylifenow · 01/10/2025 10:55

whatsnew123 · 01/10/2025 10:32

I know what I need to do 100%. I’m worried about all the backlash this is going to cause. It will come out of the blue to everyone we know and having to explain things to people and him then acting like a victim.

But OP, you know the truth. It might seem like it right now, but what other people think or say doesn't matter. YOU know the truth. You cannot stay in this situation just because of what other people might say or think of you. The people who matter, will support you.

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 01/10/2025 10:55

LTB. If not for you, do it for your child. What kind of example is this setting.

SterlingsGold · 01/10/2025 10:57

None of this is normal at all. I’d get out of this as soon as you safely can.