Surely this isn’t normal????

[whatsnew123]

Tiny bit of background. Have been with my partner for three years, lived together for one. I have one child from previous relationship he has none.

When things are good they are great, but more often than not these days things are awful at home.

He will do things like check the ring door bell camera and listen in to conversations I’ve either had with a neighbour, a friend, a family member. If he can’t fully hear what is spoken about he will ask me about what we were talking about. Obviously it’s just chit chat but he will act really suspicious which I find odd.

If I go on a rare night out with friends or with work, no matter what I wear he has an issue with it. Dress is too short, too much boob out. Pre warns me about how I should be smiling if I happen to put any thing on my social media, as doing all the ‘pouting’ gives off the wrong impression. To who? I have a private social media account with only friends and family on there!

asks me to take photos I’ve posted from night out down from social media if he doesn’t like them. I refuse which then causes arguments as I always push back as I think the behaviour is really strange. I don’t think like he does at all and some of his way of thinking absolutely baffles me.

I go on my phone too much apparently. He doesn’t like me having a password to my txt messages (reason for this is because there are private group chats with friends on there and I wouldn’t want anyone having access to private conversations)
no matter what I do or say to make him realise this isn’t normal behaviour it is always turned around back onto me. That i should respect him, and that im the one who reacts badly.

at the moment im just consumed with wondering is it me? Do I react the wrong way? I can’t cope with this anymore but when i try to speak to him about it, somehow I’m left even more confused and questioning myself.

Happy relationships shouldn't make you question yourself. It is up to you obviously if you stay with this man or not but the little you have said has huge red flags that people are picking up on, so it can't be "just you"

When you do tell him it's over, have someone with you.

Do NOT get into an argument or debate with him. Have some stock phrases and just keep repeating them. Like:

"This isn't working for me anymore. It's over, please leave."

"No, I don't owe you an explanation. It's over, please leave."

"If I'm as crazy/useless as you say I am, why would you even want to be in a relationship with me? It's over, please leave."

I repeat, don't try to reason with him. He'll tie you into knots and give you spaghetti head, like Attila above said.

Good - then you can chuck him out today and get the locks changed.

It's coercive control/abuse. You have spotted it but because you're living it you just need some clarification - which you have received in every reply here.

Please protect your child and yourself.

THANKYOU everyone honestly thanks so much! I am on with it now and making a plan. I will be back to update

Please don't worry about the backlash. Worry about you and your child and the damage that staying with him will cause.

I had an ex who became 'the victim' when we split. His social media posts at the time were laughable (I wasn't laughing at the time, at the time I was furious with how he was portraying himself with the pity party) but I developed the power of the 'Let them' theory. His friends think I'm a witch? Let them. And repeat.

Your friends and family will support you and get you through this.

This is good to hear. Will look for the update. And if you have a 'wobble' come back on here for backup! Good luck

Controlling behaviour is coercive control and is domestic abuse and is now a prosecutable crime the police will persue

Run like the absolute wind girl!

My MIL does some of these things to me since moving closer and I find it anxiety inducing and stressful despite not living with her. It's also very confusing and makes me question who is in the wrong. She is over controlling about my children and does the surveillance of me (wanting to know what i do each evening and weekend, how much time my kids spend with my family etc). She double checks my plans to see if she can catch me out (e.g. if i couldn't visit her as I was going to see a play she would google the play, find its not on that night (because she got the wrong theatre) then proudly let others know she's caught me out lying (they then tell me). Thankfully the GP and a therapist have helped me to understand she is controlling and manipulative and advised me to keep my distance. I suggests you end this relationship ASAP

I have to add that it wasnt until we found she was subtly questioning my 10 year old about me and making comments to her about my family that I stood my ground, as did my husband.

It's not worth worrying about this, you're doing what you need to do for your safety and your child's safety. That's the most important thing x

Run, OP!!! Coercive control.
I would pack his stuff when he is out of the house, change the locks, install more security cameras. End it in the presence of somebody else, and make sure he leaves on the spot. He sounds like he could be dangerous.
He will never change. Think about it, would you be able to change your personality easily? Absolutely not, neither would he.
Best of luck xxx

This is awful. You owe this woman nothing. Go no contact with her. She has no control over you, or your children.

This 100%

Dint fall into the Sunken Cost Fallacy. Of course it's not easy because there are good times. Good memories & the picture of what your future was going to look like, but it's a fantasy, it's not who he really is. Do you really want 69 years of this getting worse & worse and WHY would you put your child through this??

It’s not normal, no OP, and if you feel confused after speaking to him about it something tells me he is gaslighting you to think you’re crazy

Yes but you KNOW otherwise, so get out NOW.

do as was suggested earlier. Clear the decks for tomorrow (book leave if you need gu, get someone to look after your child/pick them up from school), get a friend round, book a locksmith. Pack ALL his stuff up. Message/phone him & tell him it's over. His stuff is at x ( parents/fruends) if you can do that I'd in the doorstep at y (when he'd normally get home). Tell him it's NOT up for discussion. This is what's hdooeninc.

change your passwords etc in EVERYTHING, yes it's an ache, but you need to.

Not worth a second thought.

those that live you will support you, those that don't, don't natter

Of course he does. You KNOW otherwise. Get out now, before you stop knowing you'd own mind.

besides even if he was right, it's no way to live us it?

no one sane/normal watches all ring doorbell footage to listen to every conversation or reads all their partners private phone messages.

its NOT you. Its HIM. Get him gone!!

Excellent!! Well done!

He is controlling and it is coercion to get you to modify your natural behaviours to satisfy his unreasonable demands. Be careful as you end it. He won't like you standing up to him and losing his control over you. Good luck 🍀

Glad you are making a plan. He sounds like a complete arse!

This is controlling behaviour.

Tell some friends you trust what has been going on as well.

I've been with my DH for more than 40 years and he's never been like this. (Nor have I for that matter.) I've never had to tiptoe around him about anything and he's never, ever told me I should respect him. Have you noticed how often you hear demands for respect from those who don't think it should be mutual? Someone with a more reasonable world view will find another way of putting it, ie, "I don't think you value my contribution etc." This fellow sounds as if he wants respect for owning a Y chromosome and a penis under your roof. You don't owe him a thing, starting with house-room. Book a locksmith, get the help of a large relative, or friend or two - bullies tend to back down when faced by a walking barn-door - and tell him he's leaving. Don't listen to any whining about where he's going to go. People like him have the survival instincts of bacteria and anyway, it's not your problem. Wishing you and your DC all the best.

Yep. My ex is like it with his 2nd wife.

More fool her.