Were you a virgin on your wedding night?

[howdoesshedoit]

Is it important?
I think it's nioce to wait for the right man, but I seem to be in the monority

why would being a virgin be a virtue?
the only reason we're 'supposed' to be virgins is an outdated thing about men being able to be sure their progeny are theirs, no? its a caveman thing. and then a misogynistic one...
what exactly would be wrong with a woman having a free and active sex life, as long as she were safe and healthy about it? would that affect her character in some way? make her less able to help old ladies across the street perhaps?

bizarre notion if you ask me.

I wasn't DH's first and he wasn't mine. But we were each other's best and that's one of the main reasons why we're married.
Not that we're getting much now post-childbirth , but that's another story and we certainly made the most of it before.

girlnextdoor - its not only your body - yor body is special - and itsyour mind too

Toad. i can genuinley say that sex is a big par of my relationship. I personally couldn't carry on a long term relationship.

However i don't think tha one can assess this on a one night stand. Sex can be performed many different ways in many diferent moods. - one would hve to have a lterm sexual relationship over at least a few weeks to get a full opinion of what your ex life would be like.

i think sex is an integral part to happy relationship - its a lot more than a nookie pass mark. But i wouldn't use this as an excuse to have sex with lots of people - becuase my personal opinions of my body and my mental state would be tied up in that - in short for me personally my pride and dignity is tied up with whether i go have a quick shag up a wall with someone i don't know.

where this will trn into a slanging match is when other people see that judgements are being made

Toadinthehole - "who here would honestly end a relationship or put it on hold until the other party had earned your pass-mark in nookie?"

I would certainly have had to think carefully about a relationship if we were having problems with our sex life. Although sex is not the most iportant thing in a relationship it is a way of expressing your love for one another (its also bl**dy good fun).

So I am afraid I agree with expats grandmother - i think she had it spot on. I was noit a virgin on my wedding night but my DH and I lost our virginity to one another years before. Why wait if you think you are in a serious relationship or just fancy the pants of one another?

custy- i don't get your comment - you seem to be re-iterating what I said!

Yes, my body is special,but not THAT special- but my head's way more important tbh. You seem to have missed my point- if someone gets close enough and into my head, the body bit just follows on- it's not that big a deal.

Seeing as marriage was a purely human invention of relatively recent vintage based on women as property, it all seems a bit bizarre to make it an arbitrary occasion on which to pop one's hymen.

we were both virgins when we married eachother. but then again we'd met each other when i was 17 and he was 18. At the time he was just trying to get laid but fell for me instead and i was a down right prude. (we got married when i was 22 and he was 23..had to finish uni first)

we did everything else except penetrative sex though...he's been the only one i've ever done anything with, but i've seen my fair share of dicks. i made sure to inspect him before i agreed to go through with the wedding...my mom gave me a measurement and told me if it's bigger than that then i'd be a happy woman. i think she was joking but i measured him anyway. he was more than willing to let me.

AFTER i lost my virginity though, i felt like i shouldn't have waited soo long. it's over rated and sex is too much fun.

If my dh could not satisfy me sexually knowing myself I'd start getting fed up, trying to get him to change which is not a nice thing to do to a man and would hurt his ego.

Sooner or later I'd find other faults in the relationship and would probably look elsewhere, get sad and walk out. Yes, it means that much to me. I truly believe that a good love life and a sexual connection are what makes relationships tick. That's the point which breaks down first should something be amiss in a relationship or one of the partners feel tired, be ill, etc. It's optional, but oh so important. It's the intimacy of two bodies entwined and the minds opening up and trusting each other.

As said before: a hymen does not make a woman and from a medical point of view very few of us were physical virgins as a hymen can easily tear when doings sports. My first BF and I were both virgins and though it was special it was such an awkward fumble, neither of us having an idea how to enjoy one another's gift. I love the fact that my dh is fab in bed because he knows all the dirty little tricks and gets me going in every way possible. We've both had our share of partners and I'm glad about it.

It's only human nature to look beyond the rim of your plate and wonder what other sex partners might be like. I'd rather be with a man that's made his experiencesand knows the grass isn't greener than with one that's curious about other sex partners.

You may well say: 'Oh but he is totally content with me and wouldn't want for more.' Well, he's not gonna tell you, is he?

The one thing I wholeheartedly agree with is that it's good to wait a bit longer until one has sex. I had been together with my Bf for 4 years before we did it. The maturity and thoughtfulness you have when you're a bit older makes for a more satisfying and beautiful experience rather than rush into it at 12 years old because of peer pressure.

Whatever works for yourself is best. Don't let anyone take that away from you. I'd want my daughter to be careful about picking sexual partners and be educated about contraceptives and transmission of sexual diseases.

No, I wasn't. However,The only man I have ever slept with is my husband. We met when I was still at school and got married several years later. We never lived together first, though we had holidays and weekends away with each other, but to be honest, not many as money was always tight, so there wasn't lots of sex before we married. As somebody else posted, one of the wonderful things about our marriage has been getting to know each other and learning what is good and not so good for each other in bed. Just because we have only ever been with each other doesn't mean we were/are lacking when it comes to 'the dirty little tricks'. It means that we have learned them together and trust me, my hubby can get me going just by looking at me, even after over 25 year of marriage!As for whether he thinks the grass is greener, no, he wouldn't necessarily tell me, ( though actually I believe he would) but I do believe that when you know someone as well as we do, you would at least have a suspicion that things weren't right. And I trust him absolutely. And as he says, 'why go out for a beefburger when he has prime steak at home?'

No. I agree that it's a bit pointless to make a point of walking up the aisle a virgin.

(different in our parents's day though I think, when there was some shame or a risk of tittle tattle etc. not to mention a prgnncy)

I think the living together before you got engaged would be a more interesting one. Not married. But engaged................?

'If that's how she regarded people I doubt she was ever genuinely in love. People are not interchangeable, shoes are. Especially if you've kept the receipt.'

Oh, yes, I'm sure that's why she wasted 42 years of her life being miserable with married to my grandfather. NOT. They were one of the happiest couples a lot of people have met.

Give me a BREAK!

'In love' is immature nonsense, anyhow. You either love someone or don't. It's not something you 'fall' into or out of of like stepping off a kerb.

'Who here would honestly end a relationship or put it on hold until the other party had earned your pass-mark in nookie? '

Me. I would. And apparently, a lot of people here agree with that.

DH and I have had times when the sex wasn't as good, for various reasons. And we're still together. But we've always known that we had (have) great chemistry and that things can be fantastic if we give them the time and effort to sort them out.

I don't think I could be in a marriage where things are only ho-hum and I know that they can never be that great, because we aren't physically compatible. Maybe I'm shallow, but it is really important to me. And I know someone in the generation above me who "waited" and sadly found out that they weren't physically compatible and that was awful.

Was going to name change, but what the hell.

I was and so was dh. Our first time was not awful - I think that is a bit of a myth or the experience of teenagers having their first experience as a quickie behind the bike sheds.

If it had been bad, it would not have been a disaster. We love each other and every aspect of our marriage is something we work at to keep fresh and improve.

No, and I am so relieved to learn that DH and I aren't the only ones who were too exhausted to manage on our wedding night!

I blame it on the long French wedding, we didn't get to bed until 5am!

Message withdrawn

Dumbledore and Shreksmissus, I so agree with you both that even if at first things hadn't been quite right in that department, the fact that you have the rest of your lives to learn and grow together is really special. Whilst DH and I had slept together a few times before we married, I am glad that I didn't sleep with anyone else before, or after., our first time. It means there is something very special about the fact that I know those intimate details about him ( and he about me) that no-one else does.

Alright then Expat (and for that matter all those who would put their partners on sex-probation):

What if your partners failed to be able to perform in bed? Example: rabid dog bites his tadger off.

Or, more seriously, he gets multiple sclerosis.

Would you separate?

God no, can't think of anything worse! Have you read on Chesil Beach?!

i was. he wasnt. it was really lovely for me and i am glad i waited. but he felt that he had not done the wrong thing in not waiting. so there we go. it is different for all of us and that is a good thing about living in a free society!

Come on ExpatinScotland & others- I want an answer to my question.

What would you do if your partner became incapable of sex? Would you divorce him? Should he divorce you? After all, if - as you say - no decent sex means no possible relationship, he should, shouldn't he?

Should we all divorce at 70, or whenever one spouse's libido dies?

Because if the answer is "no", then good sex is not a necessary part of a relationship. Requiring a sex-academy pass mark is, therefore, pointless. I can't imagine what purpose it would serve except to hurt and humiliate a putative spouse and drive him or her away.

Good sex - important, certainly. Essential - certainly not. Unless, of course, one's primary purpose of being in a relationship is good sex.

And - ExpatinScotland - your scare-quotes suggest that I imagine love to be something out of Mills & Boon. Nonsense. As you say, you either love someone or you don't. But you - it would seem - would ditch someone you love for one very contained and solvable problem. Wisdom eh? Hmmmm.

I wish my first had been someone else but I don't think it's necessary to wait for 'the one' (unless that's what you want of course) DH and I both have experience and we came to the relationship with sexual confidence and few hang ups, but I know that can be different for different people.

I think that I can probably answer the question, because I am in that position. Except that in my case, I am the one that has performance issues (due to a bit of a botched delivery). One of the main reasons that DH married me was for my high libido and enthusiasm. We're also a good physical fit. But we discussed things after the delivery and he doesn't want to leave me. I'm still the same person, and if things never get back to normal then we will find a way around it.
There is a difference between having that wonderful fit and then life getting in the way, than never having it at all I think.

I think it's important to find out if you like sex with him before you commit to sleep with no other man for the rest of your life.

MrsTittleMouse

Thanks Cote. DH is still hopeful that we'll be able to find a way to get the problem sorted. It doesn't help that 99% of doctors seem to think woman having painful intercourse = psychological problem. Wouldn't think that about a man, would they?
It was much harder before we talked about the possibility of him leaving for someone who could have sex. Once he knew that that was one of my major stresses he was able to reassure me and we both calmed down a lot.