Hard to forgive, hard to love. 25 years of marriage.

[Lovernotafighter83]

I’d love to speak to anyone who’s been in a 20 year plus relationship. What is love supposed to feel like?

My H & I have been together for 25 years. We have three sons, both have good jobs and I’m grateful we have a warm dry home.

He has always been highly strung, more explosive type and I’m more laid back. That’s ok, we dig our differences, to a point.

He used to have major issues about me going out. It went on and on for years and years, but after a lot of hard work from professionals, he improved a lot. To the point where I’ve been away to a food festival for two nights each year for the last three years. However, it’s still in there, it still rears its ugly head but comes in small comments, off the cuff comments, where as before it got very bad - lots of abusive texts, week long lead up with shittynres, waiting up etc. but he did brilliantly changing that. However, I’m left with scars. So a small comment causes quite a big stir in me.

I’m the kind of person who encourages him to go out, see his friends, book a weekend away. I think k those things are so important. The last couple of years have been good, I’ve been out and I thought it had all gone away but it hasn’t. I get cold and distant when he’s like that and it leads to this huge vicious cycle.

Theres been a handful of occasions when I’ve been scared and I now get panic attacks in any situation where he’s moody/unhappy/angry and it’s about me going out. More vicious cycle.

He has fought hard for our marriage and wants us to be together forever. So do I, but not at the cost of the feelings I have so frequently.

is it normal to need counselling so much? What does love feel like after all these years? Is it normal to have panic attacks? He’s done some things which I find hard to forgive and they’re stuck inside of me and preventing me from being really loving, authentically so.

I’m so lost and lonely but I know from the outside how lucky I am. Sorry.

I think it's supposed to be nicer than what you've just described. Sorry, but it is.

There’s no finite time that counselling becomes too much or inappropriate.

If you think it will help hold your marriage together and you both want that, go for it.

In my opinion, if only more couples who love each other or have lost their way would accept the safe space and value of counselling I think it would save a lot of heartache.

We don’t have to forgive horrible things others do to us, but it helps if we can put it behind us and not dwell. Hopefully if the perpetrator is sorry and validated your feelings theres not much more you can do. Whats your alternative?

Love is not controlling you like he has done and wants to continue to do. It is not normal to need counselling so much and it could also be argued he’s merely put on a front for these counsellors. He has not changed at all.

You are indeed lost and lonely and your husband put you in that dark place.

He being highly strung and with an explosive temper are red flags (which at the time you did not recognise) leading up to such behaviour as you describe.

I’m certain he wants to remain married to you basically so he can continue to abuse you by controlling your movements outside the home.

He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. He thinks that when you go out you want to go off with another man!. His controlling behaviour towards you is the root cause of your panic attacks now.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What have your sons learnt from you both about relationships? Will they treat their gf like you are?.

His actions towards you are not loving ones. If you were to read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft you will have your eyes further opened.

You have a choice re this man and they do not. Make better choices now with you front and centre here.

I have been with my husband seventeen years. He has never once made me feel like the way you are describing. There isn’t a set time line for how long counselling will take to help, but if it’s been this long then I would be considering the fact it wasn’t going to work at all. It doesn’t matter how lucky you appear on the outside, it matters how you feel - and you are clearly not happy.

Of course it will be difficult, but you can start again. The best time to leave an unhappy relationship is 2 years in. The second best time to leave a relationship is 2 years and 1 day in. So on and so forth. This man is not behaving like he loves you, he is behaving like you are his possession. Make a plan, and go. You haven’t mentioned if you have children, but if you do, exposing them to this kind of relationship isn’t healthy for them either.

You are scared and have panic attacks? You say he has fought hard for your marriage? Doesn’t sound like it to me. I have been married for 30 plus years and this doesn’t sound like any kind of love to me.
l know it won’t be easy but please don’t let your boys think that this is love and respect.

Joint counselling with the person who
mistreats and or abuses you is never recommended. You were never emotionally safe enough to be counselled together. Also abuse is not a relationship problem. It’s sbout power and control.

Op has three sons as detailed in her initial post.

My husband and I were together over 20 years but he was good with the fact I had my own life and interests outside him and vice versa. He never acted anything like your husband. We both liked having a bit of space.

Your husband is such a controlling, abusive asshat you have trauma from it and that's given you panic attacks when he shows his umbrage that you're going out. You learned to walk on eggshells and are afraid to displease him because of his abusive reactions.

He's an antagonist in your marriage, not a support. That says it all.

I'd recommend individual therapy with a trauma informed therapist. Do not do marital or couples therapy, you won't be able to be open in therapy and he could use anything you spoke about against you.

Jesus, you go away for 2 days once a year he makes snide comments. I know married couples where both go away for week long trips abroad with their friends and all is well.

On separate trips with their friends

I know from the outside how lucky I am.
You sound the opposite of lucky to me, from the outside. Having a warm, dry home and a source of income is good, but the rest sounds horrible.

If you are not happy. You can leave. This is who he is.

I left a 30 year relationship, worse than the one you describe, but not much. I haven’t looked back OP 💐

I've been married 35 years and my DH has never, not once, got upset or angry about me going out or going away. In fact, he's happy for me because he knows it's a normal healthy thing to do. And I've been the same, encouraging him to go out, have breaks and see friends. This is a normal healthy relationship.

What your describing is controlling behaviour. You're feeling anxious and having panic attacks is evidence that all isn't well. Have you had counselling yourself? Has he? I think it would really benefit you to talk through your feelings with an impartial professional.

And remember, if you don't want to stay in the relationship, you're perfectly entitled to end it for WHATEVER reason you like. If you don't love him any more, that's good enough reason.

Together 26 years.

No this never happens.

Together 30 years, married 22. Never happens. We're both free to do as we like. If one were really selfish it probably wouldn't work. But we're not.

He’s an abusive twat and you can leave anytime.

Together 20 years and no he doesn't control me or get jealous, but he was emotionally abusive last year, and despite working hard to change his behaviour, I am in a similar boat as you albeit without the panic attacks. I am struggling to forgive his behaviour and no longer love him. I am not relaxed around him and easily feel triggered to the slightest change in his mood. It is no way to live. It is good you are seeing a counsellor, hopefully individually, to help you decide what you want to do now. It is not normal to have panic attacks in relation to your marriage.

Together 20 years. I've never had a panic attack because of my dh. My dh encourages me to maintain contact with my friends and to pursue my own interests (as I do to him).

It hasn't always been great; we have had counselling. It's never been anything like what you're describing.

Love after 20 years feels good, safe, happy, sometimes exciting. Not like a panic attack.

I second other posters that you should not have counselling with him. Go and have some by yourself; it will help you see more clearly and decide what you want to do.

When you walk into your home, it should feel like a safe space. You should be able to walk in, breathe out, and relax.

We all have times when things aren't working well (20 year relationship here), and when it doesn't quite feel like that. When one or the other of you (sometimes both) is going through a particularly tough time - and sometimes 'walking on eggshells' is what has to be done. For a brief period - it should be a blip, a hard time that you can both look back on and say 'Yes, that was tough, but we got through it's.

But fundamentally, barring the tough times, your home should be somewhere safe.

H and I were very relaxed about having our own space. I went out with my friends and he went out with his, UNTIL: He started taking another woman out dancing! (I didn't know she was special). He said it was because it was "club nights" and lots of the class was going. When I suggested coming to the dances I was told "You're not good enough"! I thought it was just said in jest, it wasn't. 18 months later I found out the truth. He "flew round" the dance floor with her, took her to a hotel one night. I found the messages between them.

I no longer love him, only stay because we are financially dependent on each other and over 75 years old!

35 years married and never a moment of sadness, doubt, or panic. Life can be tough but the marriage should be a haven.

Thank you everyone.

we had couples counselling 13 years ago when we lost our daughter. We were both under immense stress and it was a very unpleasant time of blame. A few years later we had more counselling which was all around the going out controlling behaviour and we both went on to have individual counselling (controlling behaviour for him to address and coldness for me).

we have three children, I have loads of love to give. I’m definitely not a cold person naturally but I have so many emotional scars but he doesn’t understand it.

We’ve argued three times this week about three separate conversations about going out. He is a much better person than he used to be, looking back I have no idea how we’ve made it this far but he has put a lot of hard work in. He's not a monster, he can be very fun, he’s exceptionally loyal and trustworthy (in all other senses). He works hard for our family and is a fairly good Dad. It’s just this me thing, but it’s big to me.

Ive worked through this several times before and forgiven many things in the past by having alternative therapies and various healing practices. But I don’t think it’ll ever be as I would like. I’m a very free spirit and not feeling free has never suited me.

he would laugh and say, but you go out all the time and nothing is said, and in recent years it has got more like that but it will never be as id like. I’m very relaxed and think it’s not anyone’s right to stop someone else from doing what they want. I’d love to go on a yoga retreat, I could probably do it but I’d get grief.

I’m torn between counselling and trying it all again because of our history, our children and the life we e built, but I’m so tired. I can’t tell if I’m blowing things out of proportion and the bloody peri menopause doesn’t help.

He told our eldest son to Fuck off the other day and called him an arsehole (he was being a very teenage pain!). But that’s just not how I think children should be spoken to. He apologised later that day, but each time the damage is done. I recognise it’s human to her stressed as do I but there’s a line of respect.
anyway, this is probably getting boring.

You ask “Is it normal to need counselling so much?” but it’s not clear whether you mean normal for him to need so much counselling, normal for you to need so much counselling, or normal for the two of you to need so much couples’ counselling.
As a previous poster said, it’s not possible for you to receive effective therapy while sitting alongside your abuser. And even if he has changed some of his behaviours, it does not sound as though he has changed enough and it does not sound as though you have been supported to work through your feelings about his earlier abuse of you (which is what it was).

I don’t understand why so much more is demanded out of you in this relationship than out of him. He sounds entitled, very disrespectful to you and your child and the controlling behavior hasn’t gone away. Why does he think he has the right to treat you like that? And you’re supposed to be warm to him regardless of his behavior? How very convenient for him that would be.

Remember even the golden goose has to breath.