Hard to forgive, hard to love. 25 years of marriage.

[Lovernotafighter83]

I’d love to speak to anyone who’s been in a 20 year plus relationship. What is love supposed to feel like?

My H & I have been together for 25 years. We have three sons, both have good jobs and I’m grateful we have a warm dry home.

He has always been highly strung, more explosive type and I’m more laid back. That’s ok, we dig our differences, to a point.

He used to have major issues about me going out. It went on and on for years and years, but after a lot of hard work from professionals, he improved a lot. To the point where I’ve been away to a food festival for two nights each year for the last three years. However, it’s still in there, it still rears its ugly head but comes in small comments, off the cuff comments, where as before it got very bad - lots of abusive texts, week long lead up with shittynres, waiting up etc. but he did brilliantly changing that. However, I’m left with scars. So a small comment causes quite a big stir in me.

I’m the kind of person who encourages him to go out, see his friends, book a weekend away. I think k those things are so important. The last couple of years have been good, I’ve been out and I thought it had all gone away but it hasn’t. I get cold and distant when he’s like that and it leads to this huge vicious cycle.

Theres been a handful of occasions when I’ve been scared and I now get panic attacks in any situation where he’s moody/unhappy/angry and it’s about me going out. More vicious cycle.

He has fought hard for our marriage and wants us to be together forever. So do I, but not at the cost of the feelings I have so frequently.

is it normal to need counselling so much? What does love feel like after all these years? Is it normal to have panic attacks? He’s done some things which I find hard to forgive and they’re stuck inside of me and preventing me from being really loving, authentically so.

I’m so lost and lonely but I know from the outside how lucky I am. Sorry.

Thank you for sharing your story.

It sounds like your wife’s guilt is preventing her from living her authentic life. It also sounds like you’ve done an incredible job on getting through one of marriage's worst situations. I’m interested to know if you feel you’ve forgiven her? I’m confused in my own mind about the difference between forgiveness and just deciding to move on. One feels sustainable the other feels more temporary.

Trust is so fragile yet it’s the strength of that, that carries and binds us. Your forgiveness sounds strong and I hope your wife can get back to normal.

my husband has told me that the fear of me cheating was at the root cause of his past, extremely unacceptable behaviour. Which I find odd because I’ve never even shown signs of infidelity, let alone done it. However, his first a very brief wife was a promiscuous stripper and they had a very toxic relationship and I’ve assumed I’ve been punished for that. We can’t u do the past, can we?

I hope you’re ok. ❤️

This is a terrifyimg read.
He is an absolute house terrorist that has terrorised you for many years.
You have extreme trauma from trying to survive this life.
Please consider a domestic abuse charity for help.
Do not doubt that your children are well aware of what you have suffered and continue to do so.

Not every relationship is worth saving.
You deserve to be free.
He is not your project to fix.
That is not your duty to do.

He is a horror.

Sorry to hear this @Crikeyalmighty. Has your relationship always been this way? Do you have children together? What does he say or do if you want to go out? Does he go out?

My H has this strange view that when he goes to the pub it almost doesn’t count, because it’s just down the road, it’s just for a few hours etc. Totally warped.

I wonder what your friend’s husband thinks of her going out frequently? I hope he goes out just as much and they’re happy for each other. Is your friend aware of your situation?

why anyone would think treating someone like this is attractive is beyond me. Xx

@Lovernotafighter83 I recommend you read a book called ‘feel the fear but do it anyway’ to deal with the prospect of going through a divorce. It’s understandable that you are scared to end your marriage as you’ve been with this man for your whole adult life. However, you are still young and deserve to be happy.

@Lovernotafighter83 thank you.

I have forgiven. I forgave the same night I found out. Though not so much for her as for me. I didn't want to carry around hate or anger for her.

Moving on without forgiveness would have meant holding on to anger.

Forgiveness is a choice and not an easy one. But for me it was the only choice as I did not want to hate or have anger towards my wife.

That didn't mean I trusted her or that I was going to stay.

So the forgiveness was mainly to benefit myself if that makes sense. If your interested I did document everything that happened on a post on here.

I will say though that I had a very black and white view on cheating before this happened. That cheating was an automatic end to the relationship.

When I found out I also found out just how much I love my wife and all that black and white nonsense instantly disappeared into shades of grey.

The trust part took a bit to come back and its entirely down to how open my wife has been and what we have done since to strengthen us. Like date days once a week while the kids are at school. Hugging and kissing every day.

We found an app too called paired that has really helped. It asks us both questions everyday. And once we answer we can see the other person's answers. Some questions we'd never have talked about and those gave us both a deeper insight into each other.

I will never be thankful for the affair but I do have to admit that we are closer now because of it.

One thing about the past that helped too was a counselor we saw. My wife held grudges from everything in that past. Held onto them tight and never let go which could be very frustrating. Things like a time I lost my job. Or how I reacted when I found out we were pregnant with our first child. (I never wanted kids and at that time 16 years ago we'd actually just broke up because of that just weeks before finding out) I distanced myself to start with out of fear and it took a while to accept my new reality. Now though, our daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me and it turns out I love being a dad.

The counsellor talked through these and pointed out that nothing in the past can be changed but actions since have no value if that past keeps being used in arguments.

There was a lot more to it than that but it helped and also reinforced my promise that I would never bring up the affair in an argument or use it to get my way. I would never throw it in her face or use it as a weapon to hurt her.

My wife too let go of all grudges. I think she figured if I can she can too.

We can't undo the past but we can learn from it and move on. Holding onto negative things in the past will only produce more negative feelings and events.

I hope you figure a way forward that is best for you. And I hope your husband can let go of the past before its too late.

Highly strung = abusive