It wasn't meant to be like this! - success stories please!

[Miami123]

Just grumbling really and probably should chat gpt this. But id love to hear some success stories!

Broke up with alcoholic ex to save myself and my small kids. He met someone very quickly, sorted himself out, sober for years, got married. Im happy for him as I can completely see how he turned his life around. Theres no love there for us. But where's my happy ending? I have lots of friends, and excellent job, kids so happy, great home, good relationship with my ex though i still have the kids most of the time due to logistics but no partner. Im the only single parent in my class doing all the solo parenting. So many say how amazing i am for doing it all alone!

Dated a few men with their own issues, finally culminating in one who I loved deeply but who decided he couldnt handle me having my children take up my time. That feeling was intoxicating when we were together and its now gone. But again ive tried to take the high road and not scream that hes made a huge mistake. He will probably easily meet someone now, not like me but certainly no children. They all do. Another short lived ex changed his profile to his wife and kids, the same wife who left him for a married man yet came back when said married man didnt leave his wife. Again, we only briefly dated in between and im happy he has his family back together. But I resent that she got her happy ever after after pretty much humiliating him.

Watching my ex (children's dad) plan his wedding just made me feel miserable, only because it was meant to be me doing the right thing for the kids, and getting my happy ending at some point. Now they will be participating in the whole thing yet im just sat alone.

Im now pretty much ignored on online dating I think because of my age, but much older men swipe on me, say in their 60s/70s. I suspect they see my kind face and think she will be a great carer for them. I don't want to be a carer, I want to be in love again. I don't just want to tag onto functions with my kids whereas everyone else has a two parent set up. Or go on nights out where id love to take a partner but cant now. If course i have single friends but they have been set in their ways for years so never really had anyone or have become so difficult that they just cant compromise. I was an excellent partner! My exes all think im great. Its hard not to feel despondent.

You need to stop framing it like meeting someone is your “happy ever after”. Life isn’t a fairy story or a mundane romcom.

You might meet someone and you might not. The reason it didn’t work out with your previous partner is because your lives weren’t aligned. You’ve learned a lesson that next time you enter a relationship you need to be upfront about kids and possibly look for someone who also has kids.

Ultimately though i think you need a mindset shift. Go and do things that you want to do and that focus on happiness within yourself. You’re looking for someone to complete you, but you’ll be happier when you realise we really have to make choices to complete ourselves.

@TheMathofLoveTriangles I get what you're saying though really hard not to feel frustrated. Its like the one thing that hasn't worked out for me. People say be grateful for having kids, and God knows I am! But I want more for myself and it feels like it's long gone now

But where's my happy ending? I have lots of friends, and excellent job, kids so happy, great home,

Is that not a happy ending? Or does your happy ending have to involve a boyfriend?

How old are your kids op?

@4daysoff honestly, yes id like a partner but my life is blessed as is so i know i am lucky. Kids are 10 and 8. But i was a great partner and I want that again.

i still have the kids most of the time due to logistics

due to a crap ex

no decent father would barely see his children due to “logistics”

I've not met anyone else either. But I've raised my ds to be a wonderful, intelligent, kind young man. I've succeeded in my career, I am financially secure and we live a good life in a lovely place.

When ds goes to university next year, I'll try again to find someone decent, but right now, my life is full and happy. I don't need a partner to make me fulfilled.

I totally totally hear you OP and just wanted to validate what you're feeling.
I'm 49 and my kids are young teens. My ex H left me 2021. I look pretty good for my age but I'm not Elle McPherson granted.
I just had a summer fling with a man that I adored for 3 months. The first since my ex H left 4 years ago. He was 52 (the summer fling)
It lit me up, the sex was amazing and I felt so desired. Turns out he was a lovely bomber and disordered due to alcohol and probably cocaine. But we had so.much fun and despite the manipulation and hot/cold behaviour I'm tearing myself apart for dumping him. It feels like I made a mistake and he may have been my only chance at a good looking guy my age.
I too get the likes from old fat men who look like potatoes. Aged nearer 60 or over. It makes me shudder and ick.
I also get the likes from boys 20-35 which is weird.
My tack is to cycle the apps and dip in and out. Use them to move guys into Whatsapp, use burned haystack method to ruthlessly filter. I only go for guys I fancy. Set up dates fast. I am negative and jaded and it's hard. I have a date tomorrow and he's a fit 52 (runs) and already I am thinking, "will he flake?" Or "He probably wants someone younger and fitter than me'
Just wanted to say I hear you. I don't want to be a carer for an old man. I want sex chemistry and attraction. With someone near my age.
I hear it's not impossible but it feels really hard.

As long as you believe that you're incomplete without a partner, you'll never be happy.

And I think that's a valid viewpoint to have.
And it's ok to say you want a partner

Wanting a partner is very different from feeling “incomplete” without one

Yes I agree mostly but my ex is moving closer by to see them more regularly. His wife is welcoming. They speak daily. This is way better than things before where I wouldn't have trusted him to have them.

@ThatAquaRobin that's a great tactic, im almost too nice to offend anyone! My ex also made me feel fantastic and we were together for 2 years. When we were all in, it was amazing but we wanted different things. I was happy as is but he wanted someone full time and there was no compromise on his part. That's ok though but that thought that I may never feel that way again, its painful.

Yes, i want a partner. I could happily go on doing what I do, parenting well, earning well, being a great friend and family member, but why not admit that id like to have someone by side like ive had before? Im not sad all the time but at times I feel like it wasn't meant to be like this.

I was married for 12 years to an absolute animal, domestic violence.

I was in the paper once and the topic of conversation on a BBC radio programme. A low point.

I then had a relationship with an alcoholic and he did get sober while we were together. I often wondered about his previous partner and how she felt knowing he got sober during our relationship. It was nothing to do with her or I.

I left that relationship and 4 years ago I met the most wonderful man and I'm in by far the best relationship of my life.

Good luck op x

Op I get it. I really do. I think it’s important to remember that most marriages/long term relationships contain a lot of compromise and many people in those relationships are unhappy and probably long for the peace and simplicity of your quiet home! I’d also be grateful not to be navigating step kids - been there done that and it’s so stressful especially when you have your own. Dating can be so disappointing later in life but at least you have your kids and no biological clock ticking. I know several lovely and successful women in their 30s who would love to have kids but can’t find a decent partner which must be stressful. Having said all that it is perfectly valid to feel the way you do - I feel the same!

I hear you OP.

Whilst I don’t “need” a partner, the thought of NEVER being loved again, never being kissed, held, cared for, cooked for, holding hands, curling up with and making plans with someone does make me feel sad.

Also, I’ve found, the majority of people who have told me I don’t need a partner, have a partner themselves and aren’t looking to a future of 30-40 years without love.

And I say this as someone with amazing friends, family and children. A full life, fantastic career, hobbies, holidays and plans. I have maximised my single life, but still have space for love in it and an empty space on the sofa beside me most evenings.

In my experience, the ‘intoxicating’ feeling that you describe goes hand in hand with a wrong ‘un. Lots of us with abusive/addicted exes will be familiar with the feeling of responding to a lovebomber. It isn’t something to go searching or wishing for.

I was in your shoes 15/20 years ago. Then I met DH. I wasn’t swept off my feet initially, there wasn’t even a strong attraction. He was ‘nice’, which sounds really boring but the feelings grew the more I got to know him and I ended up head over heels. We’ve been married for 14 years now and still deeply in love.

Be patient, there’s a lid for every pan as my Nan would say.

Just to say @Miami123 real life isn’t always what you are seeing - there are lots of couples out there having a good life on the surface or on social media who have plenty of issues you aren’t seeing - same issues you’ve encountered in fact amongst those you have met, difference is on paper they are still together - many people put up with a lot of unacceptable behaviour for fear of being alone or straight forward financial reasons- yes there are genuinely happy couples but there’s plenty of unhappiness too that isn’t obvious

So in that case you should have more available time soon?

why couldn’t you trust him with the children previously?

posted On wrong thread

@Meandmyguy honestly im happy for my ex, we weren't suited and his personality whilst drunk destroyed any feelings I had for him. His new wife suits him and endured his drunk side too, but tbh he changed for himself, not her. I guess I wish we both got what we wanted with different people, not just him.

@4daysoff he was a drunk and with a personality to match. Luckily I got out early so the children now are more used to a kinder version. I have lots of time to date, I have family and child care. My recent ex wanted a partner full time, not someone with other responsibilities ie kids. This was despite seeing each other every weekend plus doing family stuff during the week. He wanted to wake up with someone every day, someone totally devoted to him. I couldnt do that when I had children who need me/i need. Im sure he will find that in a single woman with no kids.

@Crikeyalmighty yes, agree, I see several dads on the school run who seem fine but I know from their partners for various reasons that they aren't easy to live with. But I know others where the dad is amazing, or the step dad who literally does it all. Im picking out parents here! Im also the one everyone says is amazing for doing it all on my own, yet I have space for someone in my life. I just often wonder why I haven't found that yet. Id have done anything for my ex but he just wanted so much more that i couldn't do it.

@RogerR4bbit yep, it's always those with a partner who tell me how amazing i am!

m the only single parent in my class doing all the solo parenting.

what class?

and I don’t know how you can get well with an ex who appears to leave parenting to you. And I don’t know how someone can want to marry a man who hardly sees his children. Does he live far away?