Male friend being ‘too much’

[Zara445]

i have a family friend who I have become closer with in the last 3 years or so as his niece is my DDs best friend, he has his neice a lot so we meet with them for days out etc.

However, over the past 2 years his behaviour is getting increasingly concerning. About 2 years ago he bought me a huge bouquet of roses and card on Valentine’s Day I was stunned as we’re just friends. So after it I told him it was lovely etc but I don’t want anything else he said he understood. Fast forward to this Valentine’s Day he does the exact same and then asked me out to cinema.

Again I messaged to say I don’t want a relationship etc. Again he said he understood. However, he messages every day, he’s started turning up at my house with gifts. Bought me a very expensive birthday present.

I feel that he thinks we’re in a relationship, he’s never been in a relationship (he’s 36) he still lives at home with his parents. His family think we’re in a relationship. He constantly refers to ‘us’ and ‘we’ to other people.

I spend time with him on kids play dates etc but he has to be sat really close to me, he has to touch me in some way, he walks right next to me. He changes his tastes and preferences to everything of mine. This sounds ridiculous but everytime he eats my fave choc bar / meal / snack he sends me a photo saying it’s his new favourite.

I recently bought a car ( I went up with my dad to go get it) and he said he wanted to come and see if he approved it first.

i am doing my house up at minute and when he asks what I’m uoto I will say ‘just moving things around’ then he comes round to help and ends up creating lots of jobs he can do in the house and literally doesn’t leave! In fact he never ever leaves until ridiculous times when I say I’m going bed.

i feel so suffocated. I didn’t reply to his messages yesterday because I was in work and he sent messages on a different platform and said I don’t think my messages are going through to you. I felt like I needed to be really short with him so I said ‘they did come through but I’m just busy’

I feel so annoyed and irritated and suffocated. He’s been a very good friend so I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I don’t know how to stop the constant multiple messages throughout the day contact.

Theres been so many weird things he’s done - I’m so fed up of it, don’t know how to tell him for the third time I’m not interested

"Dude, you're creeping me out. We are not in a relationship. You're starting to scare me and this friendship is over. Do not contact me again."

And block.

You daughter will have to deal. He's obsessive

Stop including him, stop letting him come over. This man is delusional and fixated on you. His behavior is not rational and extremely concerning. Frankly I would break off the relationship between the children and tell the parents why. This needs to be nipped in the bud.

Op you have clearly filled up a void in is life, and he is totally into this new setup of his and clearly believes he is in a relationship with you, but is waiting for you to come round eventually, and perhaps has built up this idea that he will win you over one day. Its really creepy because one day all this wait will irritate him and he may do something really drastic.

You need to be firmer with him and stop being gentle, you are allowed to do that, you are not responsible for him, I know you class him as a friend, but friends do not behave like this, let alone sow themselves into other peoples lives like he has done with you. It is so creepy.

He is clearly unhinged. You have told him you are uncomfortable, say that again and tell him to stop coming round, and if he refuses to respect your wishes, log it with the police. This is not a healthy person you are dealing with.

Nope, nope, nope. That is so creepy. You need to nip it in the bud now or else he could be your new stalker.

I would advise you to phase him out rather than do anything directly to end the friendship. Just don’t speak to him everyday and phase out meeting him. Don’t accept any expensive gifts. Be more direct if he comes to the house, e.g. tell him when he needs to leave. If he comes to the door say, “oh thanks but I’m not having visitors today. I’ll see you next time you have niece”. Don’t have him coming to your home, always meet out. Start meeting a lot less frequently.

You made a good start with what you messaged him today about being busy, he can’t expect you to message him all day.

Isn’t it a bit strange that he has his niece all the time when it’s convenient for you to have the kids meet?

Stop accepting his gifts and stop meeting with him just because his niece and your DD are friends.

If the kids aren't old enough to meet without an adult present, start meeting with the parents, not the uncle.

In other words, pull right back dramatically and stop being friends with this man.

When he asks why, it will be the most simple thing in the world to explain given his behaviour.

I find it very weird he has his niece so often. What’s that all about - where are her parents? How old is she?

@GloryGloria She’s 10, her mum is single mum with very little contact (one every couple of months) with her dad

@Zara445 With this type of person you really will have to be blunt and expect to lose the "friendship"

In his mind you may be sending mixed messages by accepting gifts/spending time with him.

It sounds like he may even be using his niece just to gain access to you, not for her or your daughter's benefit.

Best to go cold turkey tbh.

This is going to cause serious issues when you get into an actual relationship with someone else. I can see this turning pretty scary. He won’t take no for an answer and has created this fantasy he believe is real .

Well, you have to learn to say a firm no.

When he turns up with gifts, refuse them.."David, we're just friends and I can't and do not want to keep receiving gifts from you".

When he turns up at your house to 'help', refuse him at the door.."David, I'm far too busy for visitors and want to get on with my jobs on my own".

Stop meeting him so often for 'days out'. Invite the friend round for a play date if you wish, but the invite is for her only, not him.

Have another conversation with him.."David, I know I've said this before, but I'm saying it again as I'm not sure you're hearing me. We are not in a relationship and I do not want to be in a relationship. You need to stop bringing me gifts and stop messaging me all the time. You are overstepping my boundaries. If it continues I'll have no choice but to stop meeting with you when you have your niece".

Perfect response. Not sure why you haven't done this.

I'm afraid you're going to have to stop worrying about hurting his feelings and end the friendship. He's not going to take the hint, you've already told him twice. Tell him that his behaviour is making you increasingly uncomfortable and you're taking a step back from the friendship and not to contact you again.

You’ve posted about him before, PP — I remember the detail that he was your daughter’s best friend’s uncle. You got exactly the same advice last time, but don’t seem to have done anything to create stronger boundaries since then.

Distance distance distance

Annoying but sorry you have to take a huge part of responsibility basically encouraging him for so long by going out, accepting gifts, not shutting the friendship down when you knew he has feelings etc

I feel really awkward because he’s a family friend so he will be at family events etc. I try to ignore his messages but then he will use different messaging platforms. No matter how many messages I ignore he will then send videos/ memes etc.

i normally am so busy working of an eve so when he asks to come round I say no I’m busy working. However, when I’m not busy he thinks he’s entitled to that time, so I’ve started saying no I want the night to myself (when DD is with her dad). I’ve also said not tonight I’m too socialised out from work etc but he said yeah because those people are boring I will come round now to which I have been firm and said no.

Well, doing the same thing and expecting different results isn’t going to get you anywhere, OP. Your passivity/unwillingness to rock the boat and his obvious loneliness and lack of social awareness are a bad combination.

What result do you actually want here, OP? If you only want to see him when your DD and his niece are playing or doing something together that requires too adults, you’re going to have to say that!

Mute him on all platforms for a start .

Change your number. Don't let him have the new one. Block on social media. Tell him it's too much, you feel suffocated and need a break. Start talking about other men and make it clear he isn't in the mix as far as dates etc goes.

He is not the sort of person who can hear what you are saying with words. So you will have to show him with your actions.

Stop letting him in your house!

Unfortunately the only way he will think you are not interested in him is if you start seeing someone else.

TWO adults.

Start talking to him about your love life and how you’re going on the apps as you’re ready to date, finish it off with how lucky you are to have a friend like him. Such a good best friend (lay it on thick)

You mustn’t be this passive about controlling your own life. His behaviour is alarming and you must take decisive action.

By family friend, do you mean he is friendly with your family members? If so, that warrants a conversation with your family members. You can tell them that you won’t attend any events to which he is invited. If they invite him, don’t go.

You need to exclude him from your life, not just wring your hands while his behaviour escalates.

Get a backbone OP.