Male friend being ‘too much’

[Zara445]

i have a family friend who I have become closer with in the last 3 years or so as his niece is my DDs best friend, he has his neice a lot so we meet with them for days out etc.

However, over the past 2 years his behaviour is getting increasingly concerning. About 2 years ago he bought me a huge bouquet of roses and card on Valentine’s Day I was stunned as we’re just friends. So after it I told him it was lovely etc but I don’t want anything else he said he understood. Fast forward to this Valentine’s Day he does the exact same and then asked me out to cinema.

Again I messaged to say I don’t want a relationship etc. Again he said he understood. However, he messages every day, he’s started turning up at my house with gifts. Bought me a very expensive birthday present.

I feel that he thinks we’re in a relationship, he’s never been in a relationship (he’s 36) he still lives at home with his parents. His family think we’re in a relationship. He constantly refers to ‘us’ and ‘we’ to other people.

I spend time with him on kids play dates etc but he has to be sat really close to me, he has to touch me in some way, he walks right next to me. He changes his tastes and preferences to everything of mine. This sounds ridiculous but everytime he eats my fave choc bar / meal / snack he sends me a photo saying it’s his new favourite.

I recently bought a car ( I went up with my dad to go get it) and he said he wanted to come and see if he approved it first.

i am doing my house up at minute and when he asks what I’m uoto I will say ‘just moving things around’ then he comes round to help and ends up creating lots of jobs he can do in the house and literally doesn’t leave! In fact he never ever leaves until ridiculous times when I say I’m going bed.

i feel so suffocated. I didn’t reply to his messages yesterday because I was in work and he sent messages on a different platform and said I don’t think my messages are going through to you. I felt like I needed to be really short with him so I said ‘they did come through but I’m just busy’

I feel so annoyed and irritated and suffocated. He’s been a very good friend so I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I don’t know how to stop the constant multiple messages throughout the day contact.

Theres been so many weird things he’s done - I’m so fed up of it, don’t know how to tell him for the third time I’m not interested

if it was me and he asked if he could come over I’d be saying sorry I’m out on a date tonight, maybe then he’d get it in his thick head you are not interested in him either that or tell him you’re a lesbian

Just reading through all the replies thank you so much for taking time to comment, especially for those of you who have been through something similar. It’s really helpful, and I have always been a doormat to men!! I had some counselling not so long ago and my people pleasing and putting others needs before my own came up a lot! These messages have helped me re-frame my thoughts on this to anger as opposed to sorrow for the guy!

Just echoing the other good suggestions on here to say this isn’t normal. There’s a small chance he could simply be socially clueless but this kind of behaviour certainly doesn’t sound like it and I don’t think you should treat it like it’s harmless either. The fact that he’s ignored you saying ‘no’ multiple times doesn’t bode well for him respecting your boundaries in other areas.

If you care about him as a friend and don’t feel threatened by him then I’d write a letter/email to him explaining in very clear and simple terms why his behaviour is inappropriate and why you don’t want to continue to be in contact.

For example: “when I tell you that I don’t want to see you this evening and you try to come and visit me anyway, you are making it clear that your want to see me is more important than my ability to say ‘no’. This makes me feel uncomfortable, and shows that you don’t respect my boundaries.”

I know this sounds belaboured but it should ideally be clear and simple without being insulting. When you do X, I feel Y. If he’s socially inept and no one has ever explained this to him, you could be doing him a favour.

If you in any way feel at risk then do as others have suggested and fade out instead. Make sure your family members know you don’t want to be at gatherings with him and have someone else bring your daughter’s friend to play dates.

Really sorry this is happening to you. Don’t be afraid to assert your boundaries - you’re completely within your rights to refuse to see anyone at any time. You don’t owe him anything.