Male friend being ‘too much’

[Zara445]

i have a family friend who I have become closer with in the last 3 years or so as his niece is my DDs best friend, he has his neice a lot so we meet with them for days out etc.

However, over the past 2 years his behaviour is getting increasingly concerning. About 2 years ago he bought me a huge bouquet of roses and card on Valentine’s Day I was stunned as we’re just friends. So after it I told him it was lovely etc but I don’t want anything else he said he understood. Fast forward to this Valentine’s Day he does the exact same and then asked me out to cinema.

Again I messaged to say I don’t want a relationship etc. Again he said he understood. However, he messages every day, he’s started turning up at my house with gifts. Bought me a very expensive birthday present.

I feel that he thinks we’re in a relationship, he’s never been in a relationship (he’s 36) he still lives at home with his parents. His family think we’re in a relationship. He constantly refers to ‘us’ and ‘we’ to other people.

I spend time with him on kids play dates etc but he has to be sat really close to me, he has to touch me in some way, he walks right next to me. He changes his tastes and preferences to everything of mine. This sounds ridiculous but everytime he eats my fave choc bar / meal / snack he sends me a photo saying it’s his new favourite.

I recently bought a car ( I went up with my dad to go get it) and he said he wanted to come and see if he approved it first.

i am doing my house up at minute and when he asks what I’m uoto I will say ‘just moving things around’ then he comes round to help and ends up creating lots of jobs he can do in the house and literally doesn’t leave! In fact he never ever leaves until ridiculous times when I say I’m going bed.

i feel so suffocated. I didn’t reply to his messages yesterday because I was in work and he sent messages on a different platform and said I don’t think my messages are going through to you. I felt like I needed to be really short with him so I said ‘they did come through but I’m just busy’

I feel so annoyed and irritated and suffocated. He’s been a very good friend so I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I don’t know how to stop the constant multiple messages throughout the day contact.

Theres been so many weird things he’s done - I’m so fed up of it, don’t know how to tell him for the third time I’m not interested

He's clearly using his niece as a way of getting access to you.

I wouldn't worry about family events. He's massively overstepping boundaries so if anyone should be concerned about handling future awkwardness it's him.

I'd be inclined (if you think it's safe to do so) to send a final message saying "Hi David. Despite me telling you twice I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with you, I don't feel you're respecting that. The constant messaging, gifts and visits are too much and making me uncomfortable. So I have to ask you to respect my decision to step back from this friendship." And then BLOCK. If he persists, police.

So you have a choice. Either shut things down now, and have future family events be really awkward.

Or do nothing, and feel awkward constantly as this guys behaviour gets progressively worse.

It's not even a question really is it. Tell your family what he's like, tell him to fuck off, and then if he continues harassing you get the police involved.

OP I think you know you need to take action here. I hear your reluctance as to how it might affect everyone else but please put yourself first.

I had to do this with a friend, it all got too much and now he's blocked. It's a shame as he was a good friend but it became weird especially when it got back to me he was telling my friends he'd leave his long term partner in an instant for me and I needed "looking after". That was the final straw. He has since approached family members to ask if I'm okay and I've told them not to share any personal information about me and to respect my privacy. Why do men think its okay to do this?

I think that’s fair.

I also think the OP is more comfortable with letting the status quo continue and moaning about his behaviour on here.

This situation has been going on for some time, and she’s certainly posted a very similar thread before, because I remember the detail of him being uncle to her child’s best friend and having his niece a lot. She doesn’t appear to have acted on any of the similar advice she got last time.

Tell him you can’t meet him on so and so day as you’re going on a date with someone

Tell him youve got a new partner and will introduce them in a few months as you are just getting to know him better

Thank you for all the messages.
@AndSheDid Last time I stopped responding to messages and it fizzled for a while. Yes I take blame that I have seen him again recently with the girls, however, I assumed as last time he had got the hint we managed to have a nice friendship again. However, this time he has been much more intense.

It's a bit weird that you know his family think you're a couple and you haven't corrected them. Do you know the girl's mum? If so, explain what's happening and arrange things with her instead.

He has the thick skin of a rhino so I don't think you n eed to worry about hurting his feelings. Also, why are his feelings more important than yours?

Tell him firmly that you are not in arelationship, that his demands on your time and attention and emotions are way too high and that you want him to step back. I'd resist time spent with his niece and your DD. I am the least paranoid person on the planet, but I would also not allow your DD to spend time with him and his niece without you - so if she is friends with this other girl, she needs to hang out in some other way.

If necesary, tell his family and yours the same. Do not listen to them when they tell you to be kind.

You have a relationship with him. You know it is friendship but you accept the gifts and let him help around your house. He thinks it is romantic. You know it never will be. So end the relationship. Explain to him that it's not working out for you and you need to end it. That you feel very claustrophobic and need a complete break.

Men like this are dangerous. He’s already touching you against your wishes.

It’s horribly awkward, but I think you have to speak to him again about it. He isn’t taking any hints at all, and isn’t believing what you clearly said before. Your children are great friends, you shouldn’t take blame for meeting up with him to facilitate that. He should take blame for ignoring what you’ve told him. Next time there’s any touching, extra messaging, present etc, make a big fuss. Don’t hint. Repeat that you don’t now and at no point ever will have any romantic interest in him, you are not and won’t ever be a couple in any way. You would like to get along as your children are friends, but this doesn’t mean any more connection than that.

I recently bought a car ( I went up with my dad to go get it) and he said he wanted to come and see if he approved it first.

How did you react to this?

This is a man that you need to be very clear with.

No visits to your house. No meeting up just you two. And organise things with your DD and her friend without him as much as possible - at 10 if you want to take your DD's friend out somewhere with you then (assuming the day is convenient for her mum) you can just take the two girls out. You don't need another adult.

@Talipesmumits not his child. Looks like he’s just using the child to see the op . Which is creepy as .

He’s been a very good friend

No, he hasn't. You are misinterpreting both his motivations and his behaviours. He wants a sexual relationship with you and in his attempt to fulfil his own desire he is mimicing acts of friendship.

Ah yes good point, i misremembered.
OP can you arrange for the child to come round to yours via talking with her mum, rather than via the overbearing and creepy uncle friend?

Then stop giving him so much information and details about your life! “I’m busy” is enough. Stop telling him things. Be firm and clear!

His family know full well that he is an inappropriate overbearing creep - they are likely well fed up with him and are delighted that you are easing the pressure from them.

His behaviour is stalking. If you ask someone to not contact you and then they contact you two more times - the second contact makes it a crime. There is a reason the threshold is so low.

This man is emotionally and potentially physically dangerous.

You need to send him a direct text. He is addicted to you - so it’s all or nothing - he has shown that he can’t respect your boundaries - you give an inch and he takes a mile.

He is not ‘nice’ he is not a ‘friend’ is is self serving driven to meet his own needs and goal over your personal needs.

He needs to be 100% out of your life. It’s too much to constantly manage.

Write him a simple text:

Hey - I am ending our ‘friendship’ as the lack of respect for my personal time and space is causing me distress. I require that you do not make any further contact with me via any platform directly or indirectly. If you attempt to make contact with me again I will seek legal direction.

You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. His family know full well he is a pest.

There's a fantastic bit in Gavin DeBecker's book The Gift of Fear about this type of behaviour.

If you ignore 100 messages but reply to message 101, you have just taught him that it takes 101 messages to get your attention.

The advice in the book is, send one brief and very clear message saying that you do not want to hear from him again, and then block. Never respond again.

You need to get your family onside so that he is not invited to future events and if they won't support you in this, stop going.

This personality type does not take hints. He has disordered thinking. You have to cut him off.

Edit - spelled author name wrong

‘Don’t contact me ever again directly or indirectly’ - is enough.

Put a full stop to it in writing.

He is refusing to read your standard social signals - so you need to be more direct.

You are entitled to report him to the police if he contacts you a second time after you have issued this requirement. The police take this behaviour very seriously as they are aware of the escalation trajectory.

You might consider that you are inadvertently enabling him by not being direct. I know it’s tedious and frustrating to have to up the ante with people like this - but it needs doing.

Have you spoken to anyone in your family or his family about it?

@GloryGloria Yeah my family members think it is bizarre and my mum is concerned it could escalate. One of his family members have also said it is also verging on stalker-like and very weird.

I'm a bloke, and I've had numerous conversations with other men about this kind of behaviour. I can fully guarantee he knows it's making you uncomfortable, but his sense of entitlement overrides that. The absence of the potential for a punch in the face, makes men blaise about their behaviour towards women, and the consequences. He'd never dare pester you like this if you had an invested man keeping an eye on things, be it a bf, a brother or your dad. I hope you can see the entitlement for what it is, get angry, and tell him to leave you the fuck alone. No man behaves like this unwittingly.

So you need to harness their support and nip this right in the bud right now. Tell them that you will be cutting off contact as you feel ambushed and suffocated in your own home. Get security sorted before with ring door bell, 24/7 dash cam on your car etc - and tell work, friends and family not to give him any info about you or your whereabouts and if they spot him to alert you and intercept if possible.

Have a look a some websites giving advice about stalking. You need to take this seriously.

You need to be MUCH more direct and blunt with this guy! Polite and subtle clearly isn’t working - time to be cruel to be kind. And back off from the play dates, do them with the child’s actual parents only from now on.

This is correct. This man us delusional—he really thinks you are in a relationship—and he us entitled and selfish. He absolutely could continue this stalking/controlling/obsessive behavior snd follow through to more direct sexual harassment, assault, and rape.