Male friend being ‘too much’

[Zara445]

i have a family friend who I have become closer with in the last 3 years or so as his niece is my DDs best friend, he has his neice a lot so we meet with them for days out etc.

However, over the past 2 years his behaviour is getting increasingly concerning. About 2 years ago he bought me a huge bouquet of roses and card on Valentine’s Day I was stunned as we’re just friends. So after it I told him it was lovely etc but I don’t want anything else he said he understood. Fast forward to this Valentine’s Day he does the exact same and then asked me out to cinema.

Again I messaged to say I don’t want a relationship etc. Again he said he understood. However, he messages every day, he’s started turning up at my house with gifts. Bought me a very expensive birthday present.

I feel that he thinks we’re in a relationship, he’s never been in a relationship (he’s 36) he still lives at home with his parents. His family think we’re in a relationship. He constantly refers to ‘us’ and ‘we’ to other people.

I spend time with him on kids play dates etc but he has to be sat really close to me, he has to touch me in some way, he walks right next to me. He changes his tastes and preferences to everything of mine. This sounds ridiculous but everytime he eats my fave choc bar / meal / snack he sends me a photo saying it’s his new favourite.

I recently bought a car ( I went up with my dad to go get it) and he said he wanted to come and see if he approved it first.

i am doing my house up at minute and when he asks what I’m uoto I will say ‘just moving things around’ then he comes round to help and ends up creating lots of jobs he can do in the house and literally doesn’t leave! In fact he never ever leaves until ridiculous times when I say I’m going bed.

i feel so suffocated. I didn’t reply to his messages yesterday because I was in work and he sent messages on a different platform and said I don’t think my messages are going through to you. I felt like I needed to be really short with him so I said ‘they did come through but I’m just busy’

I feel so annoyed and irritated and suffocated. He’s been a very good friend so I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I don’t know how to stop the constant multiple messages throughout the day contact.

Theres been so many weird things he’s done - I’m so fed up of it, don’t know how to tell him for the third time I’m not interested

Theres been so many weird things he’s done - I’m so fed up of it, don’t know how to tell him for the third time I’m not interested

You need to make a list of this with any evidence etc. Then you will see the pattern of his behaviours and the cumulative and compounding impact. You will also have a record.

I missed the touching and being physically close to you - this is predatory. He’s dangerous.

Change your locks.
Just incase.

Tell him he's being too full on and needs to back off.

Stop replying to his messages. Change your number. Maybe see about dating someone (just be aware this can potentially make them crazier so, judgement call).

A friend is someone you trust and enjoy spending time with. He's not your friend.

You can either tell him you no longer want to be in contact at all and block him, then escalate further contact to the police and get him out of your life.

You can try to educate him and get him to behave in a way that is tolerable to you so facilitate your daughters friendship with your neice, until they are able to maintain a friendship without needing adults to arrange it, but you have to be absolutely firm with your boundaries as any time you allow him to ignore them you are showing him that being persistent pays off.

He's no longer a family friend if your family is seeing his behaviour and becoming concerned. Tell your family that if he is invited, you can't come.

He's obsessive. He's trying to hoover you into a romantic relationship you don't want. You have to tell him, either in person with other people there or over text or email that the two of you are not happening and he needs to back off, he's scaring you.

You are way too passive here. This dude is a serious problem for you and he has high potential to go stalker. You can't just whine about it, you have to address the fact that you've got a real problem here and potentially a serious one.

Your daughter will just have to deal.Her friend's uncle is a delusional dude who is scary in his entitlement. Why you would want your daughter near him I don't know but that needs to stop.

When he touches you, say ,Don't touch me loudly enough for everyone around to hear.

This is scary Op. This could escalate so quickly. What are your next steps going to be to keep you and your daughter safe?

Could you not have a family member have a word with him?

He's a creep - stop worrying about what people think of you and stop seeing him! Use your words - ‘I am not interested in a relationship and due to you pushing your agenda I will no longer meet up for play dates etc.’

@DidILeaveTheGasOn I'm going to be very firm with him. I am studying of an eve when my DD is with her dad so when he asks to come round I say 'no I've got study to do' - however, he knows that will be coming to an end in the next few months, so I've started saying 'No I want a night to myself' the reason being is so I am starting to make it clear that even when study is over I will not be spending my free time with him. I've told him about guys asking me on dates and he's seemed annoyed and gone as so far as saying he hates that person (some school dad who I declined date with).

Thank you to the posters who have said I need to start getting really annoyed by his entitlement. I've always felt sorry for him as he is a loner, lives at home with his parents, never had a relationship and he's latched on to me but then equally that's not my problem to deal with.

@eqpi4t2hbsnktd Yes, a family member did have a word but it doesnt seem to have gone in!

And yet you are still meeting him, replying to his messages and accepting his presents.

You need to be harsher. No “I don’t want to see you, I’m studying” or “I’m tired from socialising” say “I don’t want to see you”. I don’t want to spend time with you” and “you’re too over the top and don’t listen when I say I don’t want to be with you, so I can’t socialise with you anymore.” Nothing else. No apologies, just firm nos. And stick to it. If you see him at social events just say hello and walk past. Don’t let him corner you, tell him you don’t want to speak to him if he does. Stick with other people. And tell other people you’re not together and he’s being pretty creepy with you. Don’t protect him.

He’s bullying you. He’s enjoying making you uncomfortable. Nobody is that stupid.

'No thanks'. Why? 'I just don't want to'.

No excuses just - I don't want to do that.

Or 'Jim you've shown yourself to be incapable of behaving appropriately so I won't be meeting you anymore'.

FFS, when he asks to come around, say no, we are not in a relationship and I'm not having you come over. Stop contacting me.

You're not firm, you're wishy washy as fuck. Why can't you say no without some excuse?

A lot of women of my generation (gen X) and older have been programmed from a very early age to be nice to people, even at their own expense. I certainly was taught to be kind and considerate no matter what, turn the other cheek etc and oppress my opinions if they hurt a boy/man’s feelings. It took me years to retrain my brain because I wasn’t allowed to express anger and had to hold it all in. I’ve gone through the same scenarios as you OP with a student at college and then one of my own cousins. Same gift giving and encroaching on my space etc. The trouble with me was that I used to have very low self esteem and with my early training as a man-pleaser I was a fking doormat which is a magnet to these types. Obviously I was saying no thank you to the men I’ve mentioned but similarly it did not sink in to them. The student on my course seemed to get even more enamoured. The cartoon skunk Pepe le pew just about summed him up. Men always made me feel as though I owed them something, a smile at the very least and then they thought that was an invitation to step inside and set up camp. Be strong as other pps have said. No excuses, no apologies. Just no, I’m not having a relationship with you, just no and if he carries on whining then get angry and block future contact.

I've read your update and I agree with the PPs that you are not being clear enough.

Your female socialisation has trained you to put other people's feelings before your own, even in the face of someone doing the complete opposite in return.

You need to open your eyes to the fact that this man is NOT your friend and never was. He is trampling over your boundaries and quite frankly you need to tell him to fuck off.

"Go away and leave me alone" is short and to the point.

And you need to make it absolutely crystal clear to your entire family and circle of friends that this man is pestering you and won't leave you alone. Tell them that he has this fantasy that you are a couple, but you are not, never have been and never will be, and you are having problems getting him to back the fuck off.

If he’s a family friend, and you seem to know other members of his family, do you know his sister, the girl’s mother? Can you start making contact with her so the girls can still play together? Maybe even have a friendship with her, if you wanted. That way you’ve cut out the middleman - him - and there will be no need for you to have to spend one on one time so the girls can meet up. Are you sure he’s not having his niece so often purely to keep that “relationship” (that he clearly thinks you have) going along?

Crikey. Send him a text message telling him to back off and never contact you again, then block him. Tell your family about what you are doing.

Where are your parental instincts to protect your daughter from this creep?

If he persists, call the police and get a non-molestation order against him.

He's repulsive. Yuck.

Hi OP,

I have experience of a very similar situation. It is absolutely horrible and tricky to deal with.

Like you I wished it would somehow settle down as we were interconnected and I didn't want to end up pushed out if I cut contact.

It was a mild pushing of boundaries all the time. Our background was different in that we had been friends, we went on a couple of dates, slept together, then I told him truthfully and very very clearly that it was a mistake as I still had feelings for my ex and wouldn't change my mind. He was seemingly fine with it and said our friendship was well established beforehand and let's work hard at getting back there. I was going away for two weeks and we both said that was a good time period for the awkwardness to pass. It seemed like the best breakup ever, even ended with a big hug.

Well I can tell you it was not good. Like you it was just the always present friend popping up, arriving into my house, doing jobs, messaging me relentlessly telling me stuff reminded him of me, poems on valentine's day, always hovering when a guy was chatting to me, somehow managed to separate me into a corner when we were out with a group, insisting he'd get me off to a taxi, randomly turning up on nights out.

It kind of felt like I was imagining it but he was always there. When a stranger said "is this your wife" he said "well we aren't married..." which was true but it was ambiguous. I started to actually withdraw as it was so stressful and he was driving other friends away. I was newish in the city. It was horrible.

I remember one night bumping into my ex and we ended up talking for hours then kissing. Someone tapped me on the shoulder and said I was an attention seeking bitch behaving like that in front of the other fella. I didn't realise it but he has been telling people "it's complicated... We are working things out... We want to take it slow" sort of shit.

Another night, a group of us were out. It was a late one and I realised I was absolutely hammered so ordered a taxi home. He said he'd get me there. A female friend suddenly decided she was coming. I really was very drunk and it was all a bit blurry but I kind of shocked into sobriety when I noticed the tension between them. He was insisting she continue on in the taxi and he was going to walk me into the house. She got out of the car and said she was staying the night with me and he could leave. It was a very tense standoff in the front driveway. The next day she said there is something very off with that guy.

It finally came to a well overdue head when I faced into a very serious health battle. He had been sulking and not speaking to me but when he heard sprang to life appearing at my hospital bedside and not leaving for days on end and taking me home. Then he started bothering me insisting I share all updates and got really annoyed when I hadn't. I finally snapped told him to leave me the f alone.

It was bliss.

Sorry that was very long-winded but OP you need to draw hard lines now. Have some stock phrases.

"I am not available"
"I need space"
"I will catch up with you in a week or two"

No explanations or getting dragged into discussions. Just continue distance. Don't have him in your house again.

Oh and by the way; they are not good friends, they are manipulative.

Runnnnnnn honestly this will only get worse.

He is not a friend - this is courting.

It's hard but you have to put the brakes on this one. Men often don't get the hint because not all of them are perceptive and many of them are optimists socialised to believe that persistence pays off.

He probably thinks that you love his surprise gifts and that you enjoy having him around as much as possible. We need to be clear.

His controlling behaviour regarding your car is concerning.

He is a family friend - and very intense - so caution is advised. I would suggest immediately implementing a 2-day rule with communications - i.e. you don't reply to a message from him until 2 days have gone by.

I would also suggest buying a Ring Doorbell and simply not answering the door if he turns up unannounced. People are allowed to choose who they open the door to and to receive guests at a time of their choosing. This way, you won't need to have a debate on the doorstep over why he can't come in.

This should take the spring out of his step a bit and get his tail down.

Then you can relegate him to playdates only - and never at your house.

And also to echo other pp, he could very easily become even more delusional, or angryn he’s clearly already obsessive and controlling and ignoring all your boundaries, especially with unwanted touching etc. he may or may not be dangerous, but I think you may have to assume he could be, and so even trying to be friends to facilitate the girls (but as I’ve said I think you need to now do this through the girl’s mother if at all possible, but even if it’s not you should not be doing it with him) could potentially be a dangerous situation. He needs not a single chance to be alone with you. There is to be no more benefit of the doubt, his behaviour already is inappropriate and has already shown he will try to touch you, I think you need to assume he could try to go further. Just say no. No excuses that he can try to climb around. Just no. And then escalate if he continues, because his behaviour is already stalkerish in nature.

Maybe don’t block him, not entirely. Maybe keep one line of communication open - perhaps an email, which you can set up to go to a separate folder so you don’t need to see them, or WhatsApp/text, but on mute - that way at least there will be a record if you ever need it. I think sometimes it can actually be safer for you to know if he’s continuing or not, and maybe hopefully he won’t just turn up at your house “because he’s worried something has happened to you because his messages aren’t working”. Maybe WhatsApp, so he can see they are being delivered, but you never need to read them. I think you have no choice but to assume he could become dangerous. Let your family, his family and your friends know exactly what he’s doing and what you have told him and that his behaviour is becoming dangerous and that you have no choice but to cut all contact with him. Make sure everyone knows, and they know why. Sod the fact he’s a family “friend”, he isn’t anymore. Probably never was.

If he continues to try to contact you, or tries to get info from family or friends etc, make sure you at least get some kind of ring-type doorbell, as he may well still try coming to your house. And if he does - even once after you’ve told him not to contact you again - you go to the police. Which is another reason why one “open” line of communication (that you never open or read) and a record of his contact will be I portant for you to have. It may even show escalation even if you don’t read them - eg if the number of messages increase in frequency. Another reason to tell everybody is to help keep you safe in the event his behaviour ramps up. You’re not in a relationship with him, never have been, never will, but that’s not going to stop him thinking that you were and anytime a “relationship” ends, even if it’s only in his head, can be a dangerous time. It may all sound so dramatic when you look at it like that, but I think you have to look at it like that and just have these safeguards in place. Hopefully none of this happens, but by being all over it you’re just ready just in case. Stop being nice. It’s true that the socialisation of girls has historically been an absolute steaming pile of shit. He doesn’t “get” nice, or hints or basically anything by the sounds of it, so it needs to be a final and not-giving-a-fuck no, and tell him if he contacts you in any way you will go to the police. And then do it if he does. Sounds like an absolute wet coward in many ways, and so maybe the police need to scare him shitless.

Yes I remember now my similar guy and I had a gap then when contact started again I thought great it'll be normal but it got way more intense. I wondered if he'd been dwelling and beating himself up he hadn't tried hard enough.

Ugh it's all coming back to me now. I'd wake up on a Sunday morning to 50 notifications on Facebook and realise he'd been scrolling through all my pics liking them till 4am.

Or he invited me to a wedding 'as friends'. I declined but then he kept sending me vids of the dancefloor, sharing on Facebook and tagging me - it looked like we were there together.

When I was away I'd organise someone to look after my cat and stay in my house as a favour; he intervened and told them not to worry as he would do it and make it sound like I preferred him doing it.

Completely utterly suffocating.