DH shut down my career desires

[heythereyouwiththesadface]

I’m late 20’s and have never had a job outside of retail/hospitality. I became pregnant with DC just before I was going to go to uni and made some stupid life decisions that put me in a position of not being able to pursue higher education or better jobs. Anyway, I managed to get out with 2DC and meet my now DH who I have a baby with. There isn’t a financial pressure for me to work but I thought I would use this time to get some qualifications to give me some better job opportunities.

After an awful lot of thinking, I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I became very happy with the idea and felt like fit the first time I knew what I wanted to do. Whilst studying, it would involve DH looking after DC one day midweek. DH is actually happy to do that for me to study but said immediately when I told him what that it wasn’t the right thing for me, he couldn’t see me doing it, doesn’t think I have the right personality for it etc. I felt so deflated, like everything I’d let myself get excited for was gone. It is a specific career helping people and the right personality is crucial. Dh then said if I was going to study, it should be in childcare ie in a nursery so that it’s convenient with family life. I love kids and I wouldn’t mind doing it for a few years but I just know I wouldn’t want to be doing it for more than 5ish years. I guess that’d get DC3 to near the end of primary so if I stuck it out until the end, I’d be doing it for 10ish years. But then I’d be 10 years older and still looking for a career I really want unless childcare turns out to be amazing. But even if it is, it must be harder to do when you start to get older? I’m not even sure what my point with this post is to be honest.

You do you!

It all depends on how realistic the career you had in mind was

What’s the career you want to do? Don’t do childcare unless you want to, it is low pay and tiring you have to love it. It sounds like DH is basing it on what works for him. What works for you?

It wasn’t unrealistic or even a full-time course. But (and it’s not medical), it’s like nursing or midwifery, you have to have certain traits to be good at it which I thought I had.

I dont know why he thinks childcare would be a good option and family friendly? Nurseries are open looong hours.

@DorothyStormhe’s thinking about school attached nurseries like at the school dc go to.

Do something you think you'd enjoy doing and be good at, not something your DH thinks would be convenient for home life. Forge your independence - financial and personal.

So his career aspirations for you are those that are convenient to him? That seems somewhat coincidental…

Please follow your dream and I hope your DH learns how to be supportive even when it doesn’t immediately benefit him.

Can you talk to people who do/manage the job you're interested in & get their opinion? If personality is that important it would be sensible to do that anyway.

and then what happens if the nurseries your child could go to isn’t recruiting? It’s not a career goal - it’s a way for you to earn money whilst still being around for the childcare and the wife work

I’m sure you can go and speak to someone in the career you aspire to and work out if you are right for it or not. But I honestly think wanting to do a job is probably a sign you are the right person.

I suspect he isn’t really looking at this objectively

Does he really understand the career you want though?
For instance, social work does require particular personality traits, but those traits vary greatly with the area you want to work in!
A lot of people assume it’s child protection only, when it’s actually multi faceted and has many avenues.

I feel a bit sad for you that your DH is pissing on your chips; it sounds like he just wants to keep you close to home, in a job he isn't threatened by. Don't give up on your dreams just yet. Could you shadow someone doing the job you want for a day, or even just talk to someone in that profession? It might help build your confidence that it's what you want to do.

That's brilliant about school attached nurseries FOR HIM. Please don't. Develop the career you want- it sounds as if you'll need it.

OP, can you do some volunteering or work shadowing this make sure your personality fits? How much does he know about the career you chose?

It seems that he doesn’t dismiss the whole idea of you studying and career, for some reason he doesn’t think this is the best choice.

Also, how do your family finances look like? Can you actually afford years (?) of studying with uncertain career perspectives? How many jobs are advertised right now injury are for the career you’ve chosen? Sometimes it is good to be realistic.

He is thinking only of what is convenient for him. He doesn't really want to do any childcare at all, so he expects your job to fit in around his and the dc's needs, so as far as he is concerned you can forget about training for a career.

He knows the career in the sense of we all have heard of it and generally what it entails ie teacher, doctor, lawyer etc but not the ins and outs.
We can afford the course costs although I do feel bad taking that from the family savings.
I’d say that DH is happy to do childcare to those who say he isn’t but me working 9-5 Monday-Friday isn’t something that’s realistically ever going to suit our family. That’s an issue if I want a career (I think?).
,The thing about me studying it is it’s one day a week for two years to get the initial qualification and then an optional year for a further qualification. But it’s one day a week. I don’t have time to do uni. I never have any time in the evenings between homework, kids clubs, showers etc. Obviously during the day either I’d work or be doing the school runs.

You know you best.
You are the person best placed to make decisions about your future career.
Confidence in yourself and your own opinions is an asset.

Even if you didn't have strengths in the traits you're talking about, most personality traits can be developed, because everyone has most traits to at least some degree, so even if you didn't have them (& I expect you do, as you've spent time thinking about this, and your DH's opinion that you don't is suspiciously convenient for him) then you could undoubtedly improve.

Don't let him put you off - follow what you love !

So sorry for the underlining, no idea how I did that.

Quite honestly, I wouldn't give a shiny shit what he thinks/ says when it comes to your career goals. He should be your biggest supporter and he isn't. That's the only thing you should feel deflated about. He's disappointing.

This. He is happy for you to have a conviennent job. He isn't happy about you having a career thar night impact him in any way.

Not meaning this to be a drip feed but I don’t need to work for us to be okay. DH has a steady income that’s comfortable (one holiday a year and saving £1000 a month) but I have hardly any pension contributions and I’m nearly 30 and it’s worrying me. So I thought that if I was going to work, I should try and do something I want to do.

Life isn't just about needs, it can be about wants too. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to have a job/ career of your own.

I'm guessing your DH's working 9-5 five days a week suits the family just fine. It just doesn't suit him to have you do that five days a week because it will spread the costs/burdens of family life as well as the benefits of careers/financial independence more evenly between the two of you. It is only unrealistic given the current division of responsibilities (that favors him), not unrealistic per se. I am a single (and very hands on) parent and I have a full time job. It is not just realistic, both my DC and I are thriving.

Do you critique his career and choices? Ask him why he can’t do better in his career to add to your pension if he doesn’t want you to pursue what you want to do with your career

Out of that £1000 per month, you should be paying some into a pension