DH shut down my career desires

[heythereyouwiththesadface]

I’m late 20’s and have never had a job outside of retail/hospitality. I became pregnant with DC just before I was going to go to uni and made some stupid life decisions that put me in a position of not being able to pursue higher education or better jobs. Anyway, I managed to get out with 2DC and meet my now DH who I have a baby with. There isn’t a financial pressure for me to work but I thought I would use this time to get some qualifications to give me some better job opportunities.

After an awful lot of thinking, I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I became very happy with the idea and felt like fit the first time I knew what I wanted to do. Whilst studying, it would involve DH looking after DC one day midweek. DH is actually happy to do that for me to study but said immediately when I told him what that it wasn’t the right thing for me, he couldn’t see me doing it, doesn’t think I have the right personality for it etc. I felt so deflated, like everything I’d let myself get excited for was gone. It is a specific career helping people and the right personality is crucial. Dh then said if I was going to study, it should be in childcare ie in a nursery so that it’s convenient with family life. I love kids and I wouldn’t mind doing it for a few years but I just know I wouldn’t want to be doing it for more than 5ish years. I guess that’d get DC3 to near the end of primary so if I stuck it out until the end, I’d be doing it for 10ish years. But then I’d be 10 years older and still looking for a career I really want unless childcare turns out to be amazing. But even if it is, it must be harder to do when you start to get older? I’m not even sure what my point with this post is to be honest.

Of course personality and being suited to a job role should be a factor in deciding to move into a career, particularly when it’s a move that’ll affect family life. Is he supportive of you in other ways?

do you think he was being honest re the personality that r do you think he just wants you in a career that suits your family?

all these people saying “you do you” and to ignore your husbands view I think are wrong. It sounds like he’s supporting you retraining and supports financially. Don’t you value your husbands view on a potential career?

Would DH be looking after DC during the day or just evening on the day you are studying? If it is during the day could you use childcare instead?

It sounds like she has children from a previous relationship. Obviously that doesn’t mean she has to let him make her career choices for her, but I feel like a stepmother wouldn’t be told she has to do childcare for her step kids as well as her own kids while her husband retrains.

OP, I would strongly urge you to continue your studying. Right now, you are financially reliant on your DH, so what happens if you split? My ex was like your DH, reluctant to 'let' me study, because he was jealous and wanted to keep me dependent. It is very important that you build your own career and your own independence.

It might just happen, oh surprise surprise, that very soon, he won't be 'able' to do the childcare of his own child that he has committed to, for one (lying) reason or another. I suggest you get a family member to do it if possible, or you pay someone, surely he couldn't deny you that? And good luck, don't give in.

Honestly, as a wife who is stuck in a marriage where he gets to have a successful career and travel the world (leaving me with the kids) please put yourself first and do what YOU want to do now. I really wish I had back in my 20s and 30s. I’m going to start doing some free online courses but if I had the freedom I’d be doing something that would guarantee me a good career

I think very few women on here would accost a pregnant trans person to push their views on them.

I have found that they absolutely would. Some of it might be because they can't see through the lens of a HCP. People say silly things like people who won't consent to recommended care should be excluded from any care at all. But on this particular issue, they can't see past their own views and values at all.

If someone is growing a baby in their womb, or presents to you with a cervix full dilated and a baby crowning, they’re a woman. The midwife in question is treating a woman.

You probably do need to work soon for you to be protected in the future though, look at the number of threads that come up on here where women have abandoned careers early on because it didn't suit their husband, only to end up eventually really struggling financially in the event of the relationship ending or tailing off for whatever reason.
It's fulfilment of your own potential and also modeling that for your children too.

I’d agree with you, if he was suggesting other training that may be more suited.
He’s suggesting things that means she’s always around and available so his life won’t change. In fact, it might even be easier if she’s at the same school.

This is what I mean, OP, if you'd take this approach to care, you'd be a terrible midwife. Work isn't the place for that type of attitude.

It’s not an attitude, though. I’m not suggesting you treat that woman unkindly or fail to use preferred pronouns etc. But by definition, as a midwife, you are dealing with births and ante- and post-natal care to women.

@LoftyRobin Pregnant trans people are ALL, to a person, women.

Arguing about their “identity” is neither here nor there. Their sex is female and in the medical setting, and many, many other settings where science, truth, clarity, equality, safety and dignity matter, that is the only category we should use.

Midwives are responsible for a rise in maternal mortality in the UK. Do you understand what a disgusting, shameful thing that is? You as a profession are failing your patients in the most fundamental way possible, as you pander to the gender ideologues and play games with language.

Lol this is wild. But OP, more examples of why it's hard to be a HCP. You have to leave your opinions at the door. Respect and compassion come first.

Some of that £1000 a month savings should be going into a pension for you.

Why does that matter? It only matters if you want to secretly hold onto your disagreement with their beliefs and subtly push your views when providing their care.

A good midwife just sees the world through your lens so you feel safe and supported. That's unless a psychiatrist or two has deemed that you are psychotic or otherwise mentally unstable to the point that you no longer have capacity.

Respectfully, if you’re fully dilated and crowning with a full-term baby and think you’re a man, I’d say there’s a high probability that you’re ’mentally unstable’.

This is derailing the OP’s thread about her DH’s attempts to quash her plans to retrain. I won’t be engaging further.

It really isnt. It's a good example of the type of person who wouldn't be a good midwife because they can't let go of their own views. Maybe the husband sees these traits in her or worse, he sees other traits that are incompatible with such a role but this trait is also relevant.

Does he feel that way about women in general? Don't give in to his wishes for a tradwife.
What's your pension like? Is he contributing to your pension, as you are doing unpaid labour to accommodate his career? Not that it matters if you're married, but are you on the house deeds/mortgage?

I think your husband is giving the best advice. I think it's always best where possible to be around those early years, you'd likely regret you weren't..being there as a mother especially if financial sound is the most rewarding, self fulfilling thing you could ever do and will benefit everyone.

In his defence I think he is probably worried about having to provide childcare for three children on a regular basis, two of whom aren’t his. Is the career social work or nursing? Both entail very unpredictable hours.

There are a few things here, OP.

1. You are absolutely right to be thinking long-term about your financial security, as a SAHM

2. Training for a well-paying career is an excellent way to do this

3. I know you probably don't want, or can't, hear it, but I encourage you to listen to what everyone is saying about your husband, and make the decision that works for you and your interests.

4. Really do your research about this new career. Your husband may have a point, as others have pointed out. But beyond that, look into job security, career prospects and future earning potential, etc. If you share what it is here, someone is bound to be able to help. As others have said, you express yourself well and are obviously intelligent and quite driven. Have you thought about a degree apprenticeship?

5. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF LAST, SACRIFICE YOUR FINANCIAL SECURITY, CAREER ASPIRATIONS AND DREAMS JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A MOTHER.

Sorry for shouting, but it's so important that you understand this!

Nope! Science and evidence-based practice first. Always.

Put ”respect” and ”compassion” ahead of facts and you have a lot of dead women (and babies!) on your hands. Which is what we’re seeing in the UK now.

Your entire “profession” needs a course correct. Surely you see that, post Ockenden and countless scandals.

I was you 25 years ago, my husband said very similar and I gave up my dream and put everyone else first. Don’t make the same mistake I did, I still regret it to this day.

It's an active mistake to do something tied to care of young children unless that's something you're passionate about, irrespective of your own children. A friend opened a toy shop business when her kids were young and was heartily sick of it by the time her children outgrew toys. You must look beyond these years of child caring to build a career.