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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH shut down my career desires

147 replies

heythereyouwiththesadface · 24/09/2025 21:54

I’m late 20’s and have never had a job outside of retail/hospitality. I became pregnant with DC just before I was going to go to uni and made some stupid life decisions that put me in a position of not being able to pursue higher education or better jobs. Anyway, I managed to get out with 2DC and meet my now DH who I have a baby with. There isn’t a financial pressure for me to work but I thought I would use this time to get some qualifications to give me some better job opportunities.

After an awful lot of thinking, I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I became very happy with the idea and felt like fit the first time I knew what I wanted to do. Whilst studying, it would involve DH looking after DC one day midweek. DH is actually happy to do that for me to study but said immediately when I told him what that it wasn’t the right thing for me, he couldn’t see me doing it, doesn’t think I have the right personality for it etc. I felt so deflated, like everything I’d let myself get excited for was gone. It is a specific career helping people and the right personality is crucial. Dh then said if I was going to study, it should be in childcare ie in a nursery so that it’s convenient with family life. I love kids and I wouldn’t mind doing it for a few years but I just know I wouldn’t want to be doing it for more than 5ish years. I guess that’d get DC3 to near the end of primary so if I stuck it out until the end, I’d be doing it for 10ish years. But then I’d be 10 years older and still looking for a career I really want unless childcare turns out to be amazing. But even if it is, it must be harder to do when you start to get older? I’m not even sure what my point with this post is to be honest.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 25/09/2025 07:48

He undervalues you and that hurts. Don’t under value yourself.

LoftyRobin · 25/09/2025 07:53

heythereyouwiththesadface · 24/09/2025 22:04

It wasn’t unrealistic or even a full-time course. But (and it’s not medical), it’s like nursing or midwifery, you have to have certain traits to be good at it which I thought I had.

I am a midwife. It's a great job blah blah.

The truth is that many people who start these HCP courses DO drop out because it isn't what they thought it would be. For instance, I'll send a link in a min, but right now, I am having to explain why midwives have to give holistic, individualised care to pregnant trans people regardless of our personal beliefs about whether one can change sex.

Many of the people in the thread who I am sure are quite nice people are so caught up in their own views on trans issues, they are suggesting I accost a pregnant service user and argue about their identity. While they are pregnant, potentially in labour, instead of providing them supportive, safe care. So at the most basic level of prioritising the pregnant person, a lot of people here would have failed because what they think is deemed of more importance than providing midwifery care.

It isn't family friendly, especially when you are a student as you need to work with mentors and essentially follow their shifts. When you have a job, you have some scope to fix your working hours.

You work with people who are having babies in conditions that you personally disagree with or see as abusive, but it doesn't meet a threshold and it isn't your remit anyway. Letting that go can be very, very difficult. The most harrowing thing I have had to do several times is support a woman whose baby is being removed at birth.

Then of course there is death. You never get used to that. It's hard not to carry it home

lessee167 · 25/09/2025 07:58

Just to be devils advocate. Is it possible the he really believes this career wouldn’t suit you. I don’t mean that in a horrible way, but is it possible he thinks “oh that career takes loads of patience and Op is very impatient”. or that job needs shift work and op terrible on low sleep. JUst thinking up examples. I can think of many careers my Dp would not be suitable for
I think what I’m trying to say is stop and think about what he’s saying. Is there any truth in what he’s saying. If there isn’t then crack on and try it

Guytheskiinstructor · 25/09/2025 08:23

OP, please can you stop saying that you don’t “need” to work. Every woman needs to work! It is the ONLY way to be fully adult and an independent person in your own right.

Your husband clearly sees you as a junior partner given that he thinks he has the right to rule on what career is and isn't suitable for you. Quite fatherly…

This new career excites you, go for it. And just to add, “traits” can be acquired through training. There are all kinds of nurses/midwives out there, grumpy, cheery, kind, unkind, smart, not so smart. They follow the science and the protocols and get the job done. (And I know that’s not your chosen path.)

AndSheDid · 25/09/2025 08:26

FallingIntoAutumn · 25/09/2025 07:44

He doesn’t want you to work.
he doesn’t want the children to inconvenience him.
he wants you available for the sick days, inset days and doesn’t want to juggle holidays.

easiest way to do that is knock your confidence so you don’t feel you can.
work is about so much more than money, it’s about self fulfilment, about self worth and self confidence.

find a way for you to do what you want to do, even if it rocks the boat with him.

This.

Which is a more pressing reason than ever to train for a job.

AndSheDid · 25/09/2025 08:28

Guytheskiinstructor · 25/09/2025 08:23

OP, please can you stop saying that you don’t “need” to work. Every woman needs to work! It is the ONLY way to be fully adult and an independent person in your own right.

Your husband clearly sees you as a junior partner given that he thinks he has the right to rule on what career is and isn't suitable for you. Quite fatherly…

This new career excites you, go for it. And just to add, “traits” can be acquired through training. There are all kinds of nurses/midwives out there, grumpy, cheery, kind, unkind, smart, not so smart. They follow the science and the protocols and get the job done. (And I know that’s not your chosen path.)

Yes, I only ever see that on Mn. The idea that a woman having a career is somehow optional because of her spouse’s job is deeply odd to me.

Meadowfinch · 25/09/2025 08:30

Just because your dh can't see you suiting a particular career, doesn't mean he's right. It simply means he's never seen that side of you.

Book the course, follow the path you want and prove him wrong. If he grumbles, tell him to adapt his career 'to suit family life and the kids'. The children are half his as well.

zipadeedodah · 25/09/2025 08:34

I agree with a PP who said go ahead and do it and prove him wrong. And tell HIM to get a family friendly job instead of you.

ShortAndIntense · 25/09/2025 08:41

If you want to do it, you do it. I’m a huge believer in women having our own careers that we enjoy that gives us a stable income that we can rely on just in case the shit ever hits the fan. A life time with one person is a LONG time and anything can happen, so do what you want to do.

You don’t want to look back in 10, 15, 20 years and wish you’d done what you wanted but instead did what he said to do.

notacooldad · 25/09/2025 08:50

We can afford the course costs although I do feel bad taking that from the family savings. Why the guilt? Your part of the family so can use it if need be.

I’d say that DH is happy to do childcare to those who say he isn’t but me working 9-5 Monday-Friday isn’t something that’s realistically ever going to suit our family.
Why not?
Small children aren't going to be small children forever.

Do you want to be old and look back at what could have been? You have a dream that could be fulfilled. It would be awful to look back with regret.

You don't know what is going to happen in the future, your dh might leave you, he may lose his income, anything could happen but at least you would have financial independence either to support yourself and children or contribute to the home if dh is struggling.

Greenwitchart · 25/09/2025 08:55

Choose the career that you want. Your partner does not get to decide.

Flakey99 · 25/09/2025 08:58

You need to focus on developing your career! Assuming that your DH is going to bankroll you forever is like assuming you’ll win the lottery to pay for your old age.

How many women get to their 40’s and then get ditched for a younger model and then find that they’re living in a small flat/house in a less desirable area and stuck in a low paid job? People change as they grow up and 2/3rd’s of marriages end in divorce but no-one thinks that it will happen to them when they start out.

You should always have a plan to support yourself into retirement.

PermanentTemporary · 25/09/2025 09:09

He knows you and we don’t. It is possible that he has a point about the job not suiting you. It sounds unlikely though, from your report; also, that’s the point of training. I do wonder what healthcare career only requires one day a week training - what are the job prospects? The healthcare career I did took effectively one year part time (A level) followed by a very intense 4 years full time. Are you jointly planning more children for example?

I agree with the others on this thread that you need to get much more focused on your finances. Check your NI contributions, start a pension. And yes, think about work. Shadow someone providing this service and get more information.

Cornishclio · 25/09/2025 09:10

You make your own career decisions. Even if you don’t need to work at some time you may need to be financially independent. Relying on a man who has his own best interests at heart rather than what you want does not sound like a keeper. Do your research, make your decision then tell your DH what you want him to do given all career sacrifices so far have been by you. I get the first 2 DC are not your husbands but maintaining family life is not just down to you.

Dery · 25/09/2025 09:13

“Guytheskiinstructor · Today 08:23

OP, please can you stop saying that you don’t “need” to work. Every woman needs to work! It is the ONLY way to be … an independent person in your own right.
Your husband clearly sees you as a junior partner given that he thinks he has the right to rule on what career is and isn't suitable for you. Quite fatherly…
This new career excites you, go for it. And just to add, “traits” can be acquired through training. There are all kinds of nurses/midwives out there, grumpy, cheery, kind, unkind, smart, not so smart. They follow the science and the protocols and get the job done. (And I know that’s not your chosen path.)”

This with absolute bells on!!! Also you’re a human being who exists in her own right, not just as everyone else’s support human. It’s really positive for your DCs to see that independence being modelled.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 25/09/2025 09:14

OP quite bluntly, you are still so young and you are wasting your life sat about at home or in dead end jobs while a man holds the purse. The way you write shows that you are clearly intelligent. Do the course, put the kids into daycare (he can obviously afford this) and better your lives. Then you will always have choices.

Luckyingame · 25/09/2025 09:22

Men ruining or "helping" to stagnate women's lives.
Their arses ought to be kicked hard before they are left to their own resources.
If only.

GAJLY · 25/09/2025 09:27

Personality should be considered when making a career choice. My friend trained to become a social worker part time, it took her 6 years. I did suggest that she may not like it because she is very sensitive. She now does a cycle of working for 2 years, leaves for 6 months then applies for another post. She gets stressed, upset and it affects her sleep. She's annoyed she still has to repay her student loan when she hates her job, and wished she did a different degree instead.

lessee167 · 25/09/2025 09:30

GAJLY · 25/09/2025 09:27

Personality should be considered when making a career choice. My friend trained to become a social worker part time, it took her 6 years. I did suggest that she may not like it because she is very sensitive. She now does a cycle of working for 2 years, leaves for 6 months then applies for another post. She gets stressed, upset and it affects her sleep. She's annoyed she still has to repay her student loan when she hates her job, and wished she did a different degree instead.

This is what I was trying to say. Yea your partner may be a mean horrible man cutting you down or he could genuinely believe you wouldn’t be suited to the job. For example I would make a terrible social worker, my Dh would make a terrible teacher It’s worth having a proper think about his objections, are they really valid. Also is it a valid career, Have you done your research.

MimiGC · 25/09/2025 09:31

Do you offer him unsolicited “advice” on his career?
Do you tell him he doesn’t have the personality traits for certain work or even hobbies (“Not everyone has the temperament for golf, Nigel”)?
Have you made choices and compromises in your life that have enabled him to pursue the career he wants?

If the answers are no, no and yes, then I think you should do what you want now, not what he wants.

Changedforcontroversialpost · 25/09/2025 09:37

Oh god they’re so predictable. He’s convinced you he has your best interests at heart but he doesn’t. How can you not have the right personality for nursing or midwifery? Basically it’s just mega hard work and demanding. But so is childcare! But it’s much worse paid! He just wants you to be around for the kids so that his life doesn’t change.

If you have the ‘right’ personality to work with vulnerable children then I’m certain you have the ‘right’ personality to nurse.

Placestogo · 25/09/2025 09:37

In my first job, i ended up in a job that didnt fit my personality. It was a good job though and i managed to move within the company in a posiuon more aligned woth myself. Then i retrained as something entirely different- this changed me in many different ways and although i am still the same person, i am different and how i present is more aligned with my job requirements than when i first started. Go for it!

rwalker · 25/09/2025 09:42

Without knowing the job and OP
any advice is just agreeing with OP because she’s the poster and slating DH because well he’s a man

my nephew always wanted to be a police man from a very early age
he’s 5ft 4 very slight very quiet and scared of his own shadow
the biggest favour my sister did was bluntly tell him it wasn’t for him

sundaychairtree · 25/09/2025 09:47

I would get tbe opinion of other people who know you well and wont be afraid to tell ypu their honest opinion on your suitability for this profession.

PrincessOfPreschool · 25/09/2025 09:51

OP, it's really hard to know what you're DH means by personality traits. Perhaps it's a job that requires a certain level of toughness (teaching, social work, counselling) and he thinks you are too soft hearted to manage it. It may come from a genuine place of concern, not just 'don't get a decent job'. I would try to understand and then maybe look at other careers as well. My friend is a very kind person and retrained in speech therapy, which is perfect for her. If DH is a blank 'no' on anything and everything then you know it's him being old fashioned /controlling. But if he's just concerned about that particular choice and supportive of others then maybe it's because he knows you very well and it's worried about the effect on your long term mental health.