DH shut down my career desires

[heythereyouwiththesadface]

I’m late 20’s and have never had a job outside of retail/hospitality. I became pregnant with DC just before I was going to go to uni and made some stupid life decisions that put me in a position of not being able to pursue higher education or better jobs. Anyway, I managed to get out with 2DC and meet my now DH who I have a baby with. There isn’t a financial pressure for me to work but I thought I would use this time to get some qualifications to give me some better job opportunities.

After an awful lot of thinking, I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I became very happy with the idea and felt like fit the first time I knew what I wanted to do. Whilst studying, it would involve DH looking after DC one day midweek. DH is actually happy to do that for me to study but said immediately when I told him what that it wasn’t the right thing for me, he couldn’t see me doing it, doesn’t think I have the right personality for it etc. I felt so deflated, like everything I’d let myself get excited for was gone. It is a specific career helping people and the right personality is crucial. Dh then said if I was going to study, it should be in childcare ie in a nursery so that it’s convenient with family life. I love kids and I wouldn’t mind doing it for a few years but I just know I wouldn’t want to be doing it for more than 5ish years. I guess that’d get DC3 to near the end of primary so if I stuck it out until the end, I’d be doing it for 10ish years. But then I’d be 10 years older and still looking for a career I really want unless childcare turns out to be amazing. But even if it is, it must be harder to do when you start to get older? I’m not even sure what my point with this post is to be honest.

@Alicealig and what happens if your Prince Charming impregnates the nanny or has a terrible Jet skiing accident, or gets done for insider trading or … just goes off you and finds a new, younger family unit?

Youll tell me that he has fantastic life insurance and/ or would never do that bevause morals/ you picked a good one.

So vulnerable, women in your position, if you are actually real.

Plus, I’m not asking someone if I can buy a bloody washing machine or go on holiday. Imagine having a boss man in your home - it’s like having a job but without the satisfaction of a job, or the autonomy of your own salary.

I have a slightly different perspective to most others on here. It's all very well to tell OP her husband is useless and he should be doing more childcare etc, but two of the kids are not his. I do think that changes things somewhat.

You seem to have no agency in your own life. Do what you want to do. You’re a whole person with the right to a whole life. You’re not a supporting character in everyone else’s.

That's where we differ. When I say 'ask', I don't mean as a child does for sweets. Its not the case that he doesn't take my views on board, as he does.

It makes me feel sad knowing that there's always the worry in your mind that your husband will do something as rotten as 'impregnate the nanny'. I've always said that women are losing sight of what a good man looks like, in favour of other temporary things and that's making their ability to see what a good man is difficult. It's difficult to describe I guess unless you've had any experience of it. I guess it's a bit like a child and knowing your parents aren't suddenly going to move away and leave you forgotten about. It's not a trust it's a comfort and a knowing that would never happen. And of course we have insurance should the unthinkable happen. I can understand why you'd want to protect yourself like that I just can't imagine being that insecure, or at least being accepting of it as the norm

@Alicealig - women are not “losing sight of what a good man looks like”. Plenty of us love and trust our husbands. I do. I still prefer to earn my own living and be financially responsible for myself as well as raise a family.

You like the idea of a provider. That’s your call. Every woman (assuming you’re female) is entitled to make the decision that works for them. I’m not entitled to decide for you or anyone else that they must be financially independent. Just as you are not entitled to decide for other women that they should embrace a life of financial dependence and don’t know what a good man is.

What is odd and concerning is your strangely infantilising view of women suggesting that women are not competent with money or to take serious decisions. That might be true of you. It’s not generally true of women. In fact, historically, women have often managed the household budget. Men are generally more likely than women to be impulsive because the risks of impulsive behaviour are often less for men than for women. Men are far more likely than women to gamble.

You seem to be getting your views on women from sources which demean women and teach that women are silly and lesser beings than men. You also seem to want every woman to share your view of the matter. Most women, including SAHMs, have much more respect for themselves as women than you seem to have and don’t see a need to demean themselves or limit their areas of competence.

Why are so many posters concentrating on what this training and potential job is, whether it will suit the OP or not, and whether something else might be better?

That is not the point.

The actual problem here is that the OP's DH wants to keep her tied to the kitchen sink. That is why he is belittling her aspirations - in order to make her feel that she wouldn't be any good at it anyway, so she may as well forget it. He doesn't want her to have a career. He wants her to do all the wifework so he can concentrate on his own career, thanks very much.

And she can just ignore him and carry on making plans based on her wants around him and his wants.

No one has suggested that is what women need to do. I don't understand why you would even think to consider it demeaning to believe that we all have a role to play and that everything works best when we mimic a lose interpretation of those roles. OK, choose not to be dependant on a man, it's not going to make motherhood or parenting very easy for starters.

I can't think of one good reason, if you are in a financially secure marriage with the opportunity to raise and nurture your own children whilst they're so young, to want to throw that away for some meaningless job to earn money you don't need. Surely having that opportunity has got to be one of the greatest privileges any mother could ever want. Why do we constantly feel the need to go out and be like men, rather than take the opportunity to thrive at what we as women do best, be mothers and wives.

So yes I do see myself as playing a supporting role in the lives of others. I understood that's what I wanted to, and would do once I had children. I knew that once I had a family I could no longer see myself as the main character as I now had people in my life that were more important than I am. I'm sorry but I just don't understand the type of mother who would consider her own wants and meaningless endeavours to satisfy some underlying issues of being independent.

@Alicealig

I don’t need you to agree with me or approve of my choices. You seem unable to accept that many women may think differently to you and that women can work outside the home and still be good mothers. But I’ve said many times on this thread and elsewhere that SAHMs and WOHMs bring different but equally valuable things to the table, and that you are absolutely entitled to decide what works for you and proceed accordingly. You’re not entitled to insist that other women should make the same decisions as you any more than I’m entitled to insist that all women should work outside the home.

So basically your husband wants you to go into another often low paid industry so he will not have to do the school run etc permanent.

He has very general knowledge of the area you want to go into, the same as anyone. You however have self reflected and have done plenty of research I am sure. Go for what you want. Don't let this ruin you confidence.

@AlicealigWomen aren’t one collective hive brain. I’m a woman and am nothing like you. I’m not actively trying to think differently, I just naturally think very differently. I have always wanted children AND a career, since I was very young. I accept not every woman is like but you are extremely arrogant to state that “women should be like women” and judge “what we do best”. Some women don’t even want children or to be married or to be married to a man! Shock horror!

You know you better than he knows you.

You know that you're being realistic. You know the idea of that career excites you, and that's really telling.

I suspect he has an ulterior motive for trying to put you off. You know him better than we do ofcourse, but it could be one or more of the following:

• He enjoys feeling like the breadwinner and doesn't want you to have a 'career'. This could be down to old fashioned sexism or not.
• You being a stay at home mum / someone without a serious career makes his life easier - he can leave the bulk of the parenting, housework and life admin to you. He enjoys having that easier life.
• He's 'jealous' of you being excited about something other than him / homelife - he thinks he / your family should be the centre of your world.
• He's insecure, and anything that takes you out of the house / incites passion in you, he sees as a threat.
• Back to sexism - he thinks you should have a job that is 'womens' work' traditionally. Anything else is a threat to his masculinity.

There could be other reasons of course. None of those above are good reasons. They all involve him controling what you do for a living and keeping you in the box he thinks you belong in.

Talk to someone who knows about the career. Talk to the course leader. Get their advice. Then make your decision, and tell your husband what it is. As you say, money isn't the object, and he is able to look after your DC one day a week, so he has no reason to object to you doing something that would make you happy.

Again, I'm not saying other women 'must' do this or do that. I was laying down some basic questions that I feel would be reasonable to ask yourself should you feel the need to have this 'independence' going on, while at the same time being co-existant and dependant in a family unit. I just don't see how this can create a harmonious environment, so rather than preaching I've simply asked what benefits these women feel they would be getting out of their endeavours aside from the selfish need of some self-gratifying career that would be of no benefit financially and would in essence, to me anyway, look like they didn't want to have to deal with their children or to enable them to put their duties to their families to one side in favour of their own personal wants,even if potentially this would cause an overall net negative effect on the test of the family. I don't think it's unreasonable for a husband to expect that the mother of his children should want to bring them up herself and spend the time with them in the early years that he's put the work in to make happen.

This should not matter if they are a family. If he doesn't consider himself responsible for all three children, then they are not a family.

OP, don't put yourself in the position where you look up in 20 years time and wonder "is this it?" Your children will leave home and have lives of their own and you will be left with a job you hate, very little to call your own and a lot of regrets. Do what you want to do, your husband will have to do what millions of other husbands do and step up.

@Alicealig yeah.

For most women nowadays, it doesn’t work to be the supporting character in their own lives.

You do you but please rein in the statements about what women do best. They are pretty offensive. You wouldn’t say black people are best placed doing service roles bevause that’s what they are destined for. Saying women are best placed doing mumming, and should put their own needs on the back burner is also offensive.

I'm sorry you find the truth so offensive, but it's not a bad thing to state that people in general have roles, and to a lesser extent duties. If I've caused offence maybe it's worth looking inwards.

@AlicealigYou're still projecting your own views and structure about ideal family life and the roles of a mother and a father onto other people and judging them for not conforming to your rules! 🤣 We all agree children should be loved, cherished, provided for etc but how that takes place can be vastly different from family to family and determined by a lot of different factors. There isn’t one size fits all or one standard framework for raising children well and being a good parent.

@Alicealig You present your views as the absolute truth- but they’re not. They’re YOUR truth, not other people’s.

This.

@Alicealig I’ve read a lot of your posts and if you’re not a man, you truly seem to hate other women. You consistently push an anti-female agenda which makes me think you must have some mother related trauma in your life and I feel sorry for your daughter that she has a mother who values men so highly above other women. I haven’t seen a single post in support of another woman. You seem to exist here to denigrate other women and be a cheerleader for men. Truly bizarre.

Not to mention the stuff about lesbians being most violent, gay men least & women initiating DV most in hetero relationships is rubbish. I will debunk with stats later.

You'd think someone normally into biology like Alice would not back a statement as clearly contrary to biology as women being more violent.

This. If it were me, as I’ve since so many posts of when women get older, the men leave them for a younger model or just get bored basically and treat them like shite and they have no means to escape. As soon as I could I would be building my career and pension contributions with the added bonus you’re not dependent on anyone else to survive.