TMI - Partner watching porn during sex with me

[TeamPrincipalFlutie]

I'm asking as unsure if I'm overreacting. We have an active and interesting sex life, lots of experimenting.

Yesterday, I was blindfolded and tied up and when the blindfold came off my partner had a porn video on his phone. I was lying on my stomach and it was in front of me, so both of us could see it, after a few minutes he moved the phone and balanced it on my back so only he could see it. As soon as I saw the phone, I felt sick and humilated and I couldn't find the words to tell him to stop, I was trying hard not to cry. I did ask him to stop after about 10 minutes and he did.

For context I am very insecure about how attractive he finds me - I have had children (not his) and I'm the only girlfriend he has had who has had kids. My body looks like it has birthed and fed children. He also struggles with finishing during sex, the majority of the time he can only get there by using his own hand, nothing I do really works, even anal sex he will pull out and finish by hand. He very rarely compliments me, I get the occasional 'you look pretty' and since being with him my self esteem has gone through the floor.

He thinks I am over reacting about the porn, he said he only did it because he thought I'd like it. I still feel sick and humiliated today because I think that if you're having sex with someone, you should be thinking about that person, not watching videos of someone else.

I feel a bit broken but cant explain why

Oh love. You need to get away from this man.

Felt sick reading this. Get as far away from him as possible.

You’re underreacting. This guy is bad news. He’s so porn-sick, he needs to watch while he’s having sex with you. That’s why he can’t finish either.

If your self-esteem is through the floor since dating him, that should have told you he’s wrong for you. A good partner builds you up. They make you feel secure; they support you in your ambitions. This guy will destroy your confidence. Please end it.

He's utterly disrespectful AT BEST.

He’s horrible, get rid of him. He is clearly addicted to porn and wanking- he has given himself erectile dysfunction and he is trying to make you feel like it’s your fault and you’re overreacting.

it is completely normal to expect someone’s full attention while they are having sex with you!!!

He's severely porn addled.

To be having sex with a naked woman, and to find that unstimulating enough that you need to watch porn during the act, you're too far gone to save.

And I watch porn, and DH watches porn, so I'm not anti porn altogether.

By setting up your phone so you can watch porn on your naked partner's back, you are truly using that partner as nothing more than a wet hole.

Get rid, OP.

This is just grim. But on top of the porn, are you REALLY happy to have anal sex and be tied up - or are you just doing it all to keep him happy?

I am happy with doing the other sex stuff in general, and I know if I ask him to stop he always would. He said that if I had told him to stop immediately yesterday then he would have, but because I waited ages I got more and more upset. He doesn't seem to understand that I would have been just as upset if I had asked him to stop after 10 secomds rather than 10 minutes and I'm struggling to find the words to explain that to him because I can't even explain to myself.

He thinks I am over reacting about the porn, he said he only did it because he thought I'd like it.

I strongly doubt that he cares what you like or even thinks about it.

Beyond grim. You are worth so much more than this.

He did something in sex that surprised you and not in a good way. We all have our different opinions on what is ok. The point is he didn't ask you did he?

He's also an inconsiderate tw%& because he didn't think about how you might feel on this and the fact he wanks after sex

It doesnt mean he doesn't think you're unattractive. It means hes inconsiderate.

Is he generally rude and selfish?

Too grim…
You deserve better

I can hardly believe what I just read. He propped his phone on your back, so he could watch porn whilst having sex with you?!
You can do so much better than this. He has hugely disrespected you. Dump him and tell him why, so that hopefully he’ll think twice before disrespecting the next woman.

Stop making excuses for him. He doesn't respect you. Set the bar a bit higher - you deserve more.

Oh grim. Boot him back in the sea.

I like some kink but neither myself nor my husband would ever do anything without discussing it first and talking it through first.

Your partner did something without consent, without speaking to you and is now gaslighting you and minimalizing it. Get rid of this ghastly little freak.

I hate this kind of comment when the op is having a hard a hard time with her self esteem? Is it a helpful comment? Will it improve the situation?

Oh wow. What a disgusting man. I can’t believe the complete disrespect of propping his phone on your back so he could watch porn while fucking you. He certainly isn’t someone id trust with tying me up or blindfolding me. He has absolutely no respect for you, at all, or women generally.

Wow. wtf. When will women do better. Seriously.

This seems toxic to me.

You read this and decided that women need to "do better"?

Yes. I mean do better than tolerating men who humiliate you in bed and crush your self-esteem. He’s the one in the wrong but she shouldn’t accept it.

You are not overreacting, that is horrible, I'm sorry you experienced it and are now experiencing his gaslighting/dismissal.

For me the underlying issue, though, is your comment about your self esteem. A good partner would be building up your self esteem, whether actively or just through the way they support and show love for you. If someone is not doing that but is actually making you feel worse about yourself then you deserve much, much better.

Have you got friends around - or chat here - who you could talk to about the ways he lowers your self esteem? I think you need to end this relationship, and it might be helpful to have some supportive people around you as you do that.

Yikes.

Porn is fine if both people are into it but you obviously never indicted you wanted it on so he absolutely shouldn't have put it on.

It sounds like he has watched far too much porn and wanked far too much and now he needs it to finish. I'd leave him (and his hand) to it if I were you.

For me the underlying issue, though, is your comment about your self esteem.

Exactly... and how much of this being blindfolded, tied up and anal sex do you actually enjoy OP? Or are you just trying to compensate for 'looking like you have birthed and fed children'?