TMI - Partner watching porn during sex with me

[TeamPrincipalFlutie]

I'm asking as unsure if I'm overreacting. We have an active and interesting sex life, lots of experimenting.

Yesterday, I was blindfolded and tied up and when the blindfold came off my partner had a porn video on his phone. I was lying on my stomach and it was in front of me, so both of us could see it, after a few minutes he moved the phone and balanced it on my back so only he could see it. As soon as I saw the phone, I felt sick and humilated and I couldn't find the words to tell him to stop, I was trying hard not to cry. I did ask him to stop after about 10 minutes and he did.

For context I am very insecure about how attractive he finds me - I have had children (not his) and I'm the only girlfriend he has had who has had kids. My body looks like it has birthed and fed children. He also struggles with finishing during sex, the majority of the time he can only get there by using his own hand, nothing I do really works, even anal sex he will pull out and finish by hand. He very rarely compliments me, I get the occasional 'you look pretty' and since being with him my self esteem has gone through the floor.

He thinks I am over reacting about the porn, he said he only did it because he thought I'd like it. I still feel sick and humiliated today because I think that if you're having sex with someone, you should be thinking about that person, not watching videos of someone else.

I feel a bit broken but cant explain why

Just to reiterate what everybody else has said, he’s a loser get rid

Pound to a penny he struggles with 'finishing' BECAUSE of the porn. You're not overreacting at all, he's using your body as an object while the main show is the porn. Fuck that. You deserve better, your self confidence will not improve with this man. Start recovering your self-respect now by ending the sexual relationship.

If he doesn't understand, show him this thread.

He said that if I had told him to stop immediately yesterday then he would have,

He doesn’t understand that it’s disrespectful to be watching the porn during sex with you in the first place OP.

He’s grim, and you deserve better.

He is not a good partner or friend.
Thats beyond humiliation. He obviously has a major porn problem.
Which in itself would make me not want him near my children.
But its very clear you are going to make excuses for him and his behaviour.
Not that im blaming you as you sound very insecure and like you have to please him.
Really is nothing wrong with what you consider to be vanilla sex. Especially if its between two people who love each other.
Whats the point in doing things like anal (which can be very damaging) when he really just wants to finish himself off with the aid of porn.
You need to have a very frank conversation with him.

Oh my God. He used you as a sex doll, OP, of course you're humiliated. I hope you leave him.

" because we have a lot of non vanilla sex he is always very careful to check I'm ok, would absolutely stop if I asked or if he thought I wasn't enjoying it."

This doesn't make him a fucking hero, it should be a given.

OP, you do seem very keen to emphasise the lack of vanilla sex in your relationship. It almost reads like that's what validates you as a sexual being because you feel your body doesn't match up to his previous partners. As far as he's concerned the only thing wrong with your body is that it's not on a small screen with pop ups all over it!

I hate the term vanilla sex. Sex is about being loving, fun, enjoyable, respectful .. it doesn’t matter what you do, it’s about connecting with each other, either vanilla or swinging from the chandelier with toys 🤷‍♀️ Vanilla makes it sound second rate - and it’s really not!

People use vanilla to mean boring. When it’s really not!

I agree @Change2banon @Gymbunny2025 I do wonder how much the OP enjoys the sex with this man, if at all. The normalisation of violent sex, through porn, is really concerning. Men seem to think that women enjoy being treated as vessels for male pleasure, I think most of them get a kick from the humiliation aspect and actually couldn’t care less about her enjoyment at all.

Exactly, I have great sex with my husband - we’ve never used toys etc, just lots of sensual foreplay and connecting with each other, I wouldn’t have it any other way. In my mind, if you need toys then there’s something wrong 😁😁

since being with him my self esteem has gone through the floor

This on its own is enough OP.

Without the absolute grim, tacky selfishness of using you as a porn prop.
Or gaslighting that it was 'for you' (liar!)

You deserve SO much better.
You don't need a banging body to deserve love and respect.

The relationship would be over for me OP. You deserve to be with someone who makes YOU feel amazing, and loved. Why oh why do women put up with half arsed relationships like this? It is completely unacceptable and way over the line that he was watching porn while having sex with you and to have his phone on your back as well - absurd and ridiculous. He’s treated you like a piece of meat. Please please consider ending this relationship- you really do not sound happy at all and your self esteem is at risk of further damage if you stay with him 🤦🏽‍♀️

When will men do better?

He is vile. If he wants you to.both watch porn, he should suggest it asks you and you decide. Propping a fone up.on ur back- noooo. Get rid of him OP. Your well-being will improve.

I think both is required.100% men need to do better, but women also need to stop accepting this sh1t.

But then there’s no need to be snide about what other people enjoy, surely?

I wasn’t snide 😵‍💫😵‍💫

You were implying that a sexual relationship is wrong if toys are needed. For a lot, including myself, toys enhance it, it in no way implies the sex is bad.

But, this post isn’t about toys etc; it’s about how degrading the OP’s partner is and how she shouldn’t accept his behaviour.

“When I say my self confidence is low now, it's really because he has only maybe once or twice outright told me that he finds me attractive, he never gives compliments, occasionally he will say I look 'pretty'.”

Sorry, OP, but that cannot be the only reason. My DH (together 26 years) rarely compliments me. He rarely says he loves me. But he behaves in ways which show that he finds me attractive and loves me. He also supported and supports me in my work ambitions. My self confidence started to grow when we got together and has continued to since. A good relationship builds you up - you feel secure and expansive. This man doesn’t do that for you. As a PP said, the fact he was previously a friend is neither here nor there. Good friends can still be shit boyfriends and that seems to be what’s going on here.

Porn addict. I'm sure you're gorgeous and this has nothing to do with you.

Move on

Wouldn't say he is too far gone to save.

He needs to go cold turkey and after a while that should, I believe, return the stimulation to a more normal level.

This has turned my stomach. He’d be my ex very quickly indeed.

He is a disgusting pig. I feel so sorry for you. Please leave him and get your self esteem back.