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Original poster

TMI - Partner watching porn during sex with me

99 replies

TeamPrincipalFlutie · 22/09/2025 12:31

I'm asking as unsure if I'm overreacting. We have an active and interesting sex life, lots of experimenting.

Yesterday, I was blindfolded and tied up and when the blindfold came off my partner had a porn video on his phone. I was lying on my stomach and it was in front of me, so both of us could see it, after a few minutes he moved the phone and balanced it on my back so only he could see it. As soon as I saw the phone, I felt sick and humilated and I couldn't find the words to tell him to stop, I was trying hard not to cry. I did ask him to stop after about 10 minutes and he did.

For context I am very insecure about how attractive he finds me - I have had children (not his) and I'm the only girlfriend he has had who has had kids. My body looks like it has birthed and fed children. He also struggles with finishing during sex, the majority of the time he can only get there by using his own hand, nothing I do really works, even anal sex he will pull out and finish by hand. He very rarely compliments me, I get the occasional 'you look pretty' and since being with him my self esteem has gone through the floor.

He thinks I am over reacting about the porn, he said he only did it because he thought I'd like it. I still feel sick and humiliated today because I think that if you're having sex with someone, you should be thinking about that person, not watching videos of someone else.

I feel a bit broken but cant explain why

OP posts:
toottoot3 · 22/09/2025 22:56

Your low self esteem and upset is your body screaming at you to change, stop this relationship. Your not wanting to accept how he is effecting you. Sex is supposed to be fun and exciting, however you do it. Once your upset and degraded you won't feel good around this guy

Dery · 23/09/2025 01:15

@TeamPrincipalFlutie - you’ve said that since you’ve been with this man, your self esteem is through the floor. This man is clearly bad for you. So why are you hanging on to this relationship?

Dandelionsarepretty · 23/09/2025 01:20

Nobody is that thick they would think it’s ok to prop a phone on you. You need to get rid of him.

duckfordinner · 23/09/2025 01:29

He is dehumanising you. Please leave him. You need therapy, not a man xx

Gymbunny2025 · 23/09/2025 06:39

I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is one of the reasons kink is not for me. Being blindfolded and tied up is so degrading. And he’s taken that a step further by balancing his phone on you to watch porn 🤢

FirstdatesFred · 23/09/2025 06:55

since being with him my self esteem has gone through the floor

Then you know what you need to do, surely?

Is he around your children?

Is this the kind of relationship you want them to think is a good one?.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 23/09/2025 06:59

The grimace on my face reading that 😟

It all sounds sordid, miserable and nasty. I hope outside of the bedroom he is treating you well and I’m hoping he isn’t around your children.

landlordhell · 23/09/2025 07:02

Good grief! Find your self respect and get rid!

OldBeyondMyYears · 23/09/2025 07:19

Jesus fucking Christ! This is beyond grim OP 🤮 He is being so disrespectful I can’t even begin to comprehend 🥴

There’s really no way back from this…he’s very clearly porn addicted, which is why he can’t finish inside you (needs his ever tightening hand to strangle his pathetic dick!)

Do NOT let him gaslight you into thinking this is ok. It’s not. You can’t (and in my opinion shouldn’t!) try to ‘save him’. Get rid immediately! You deserve so much more than this twat.

DaisyChain505 · 23/09/2025 07:26

This man has some severely stunted views on sex and women. If he’s not finishing during sex and need to watch porn whilst being intimate he sounds like he watches too much and it’s warped his views.

You should feel comfortable and safe with the person you’re having sex with. Not less than or not good enough.

JamDisaster · 23/09/2025 07:27

He’s a porn addict. Addiction explains the lot- his inability to finish through sec, his behaviour here and his gaslighting response to your reaction (a classic of addicting all kinds). One of the men who has destroyed his own sexual function through excessive porn. It is sad but it is also absolutely grim.

I would seriously encourage you to end the relationship. You may well find that much of the low self-esteem you attributed to your (completely normal) post-birth body actually comes from being in a relationship with an addict.

Nothing about this is normal or ok. Don’t let him talk you into accepting it.

Billio54321 · 23/09/2025 07:42

Oh dear I sympathise with you very much OP. Unfortunately this man's brain has been rewired by porn so much that he has lost all sense of reason, dignity and respect - for himself ironically as well as for you. Whatever you decide to do (& I wouldn't blame you for leaving) please encourage him to get some help in breaking this habit, through counseling and the abundance of on- line websites and support groups. I strongly recommend you to look into PBSE podcasts, they are presented by 2 ex porn/sex addicts & are incredibly honest, insightful & helpful, answering questions from addicts & their spouses. I'm sure you would find something useful there - regarding your self-esteem, boundaries & decision making.
I wish you all the best & hope that you have some support & love around you as you move forwards.

GimmieABreakOr3 · 23/09/2025 07:44

Gross. What exactly do you see in this man?
Do your self esteem a favour and dump his sorry ass. I’ve no idea why women put up with this crap.

EverybodyLTB · 23/09/2025 07:48

All we need to hear is that your self esteem has gone through the floor since you’ve been with him, and you have kids. Get this man out of your life and don’t let it progress to affecting your children. He’s a pig.

Original poster
TeamPrincipalFlutie · 25/09/2025 15:16

Thank you for all of the responses, I have read them carefully and I'm considering my options.

He has never done anything disresepctful like this before, and because we have a lot of non vanilla sex he is always very careful to check I'm ok, would absolutely stop if I asked or if he thought I wasn't enjoying it.

He is also my best friend, I've known him for over 20 years. He is great with my kids. When I say my self confidence is low now, it's really because he has only maybe once or twice outright told me that he finds me attractive, he never gives compliments, occasionally he will say I look 'pretty'.

That, alongside his inability to finish during sex had me wondering if I am attractive enough, and then this has tipped me over the edge. I don't consider myself to be shallow and I do get compliments from other male and female friends but I tell him every day how attractive I find him, not just the physical things but the other stuff too. And I would really like to think that if someone is sleeping with me that the feeling is mutual, which doesn't seem to be the case.

I don't know how I will ever be able to have sex with him again without wondering if he's imagining or would rather be looking at someone else. I suppose I need to tell him that.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 25/09/2025 15:51

@TeamPrincipalFlutie why are you wondering how you’ll ever have sex with him again? You simply shouldn’t . Him being good with your kids is not a good enough reason for the disrespect he’s showing you. I’m wondering how much of this extreme sex you actually enjoy?

Charredtea · 25/09/2025 16:16

TeamPrincipalFlutie · 25/09/2025 15:16

Thank you for all of the responses, I have read them carefully and I'm considering my options.

He has never done anything disresepctful like this before, and because we have a lot of non vanilla sex he is always very careful to check I'm ok, would absolutely stop if I asked or if he thought I wasn't enjoying it.

He is also my best friend, I've known him for over 20 years. He is great with my kids. When I say my self confidence is low now, it's really because he has only maybe once or twice outright told me that he finds me attractive, he never gives compliments, occasionally he will say I look 'pretty'.

That, alongside his inability to finish during sex had me wondering if I am attractive enough, and then this has tipped me over the edge. I don't consider myself to be shallow and I do get compliments from other male and female friends but I tell him every day how attractive I find him, not just the physical things but the other stuff too. And I would really like to think that if someone is sleeping with me that the feeling is mutual, which doesn't seem to be the case.

I don't know how I will ever be able to have sex with him again without wondering if he's imagining or would rather be looking at someone else. I suppose I need to tell him that.

Two of my most devastating relationships were with men I’d been friends with for decades.
Seemed like they ‘got away with’ so much more, including sexually because they were old friends and ‘good people’ and it was confusing for me because I kept questioning myself, why am I feeling so bad about myself or confused by their behaviour or what they say because this is Bill or Ben, oldest friend and the sweetest kindest person.
i also don’t tend to practice ‘vanilla’ sex and when with someone manipulative and where it’s already confusing and possibly gaslighty , it can be very easy for them to say but you were ok with this last week, or I thought you said you liked it, wanted to try it , were ready etc.
just be careful and really listen to yourself, your body your gut and look at his actions more than what he says.

Rose213 · 25/09/2025 16:23

It's bad because you are upset and didn't like it (your partner should really have a basic understanding of what you like) however a lot of couples watch porn together so I don't think he would have done it to humiliate you.

Either way you don't sound happy with him and you seem incompatible...

ComfortablySeated · 25/09/2025 16:36

I reckon it would take my husband about 0.1 seconds to figure out that I’m not enthusiastically enjoying sex. Your boyfriend doesn’t “check in” on you- he’s too busy rearranging his phone to make sure his porn is in full view.

He’s a man who sees women as nothing more than objects, and doesn’t give a shit about consent. He shouldn’t be around you, or your children.

Donttellempike · 25/09/2025 16:37

Billio54321 · 23/09/2025 07:42

Oh dear I sympathise with you very much OP. Unfortunately this man's brain has been rewired by porn so much that he has lost all sense of reason, dignity and respect - for himself ironically as well as for you. Whatever you decide to do (& I wouldn't blame you for leaving) please encourage him to get some help in breaking this habit, through counseling and the abundance of on- line websites and support groups. I strongly recommend you to look into PBSE podcasts, they are presented by 2 ex porn/sex addicts & are incredibly honest, insightful & helpful, answering questions from addicts & their spouses. I'm sure you would find something useful there - regarding your self-esteem, boundaries & decision making.
I wish you all the best & hope that you have some support & love around you as you move forwards.

It is not up to her to cure this man, who she needs to leave without looking back.

Donttellempike · 25/09/2025 16:40

TeamPrincipalFlutie · 22/09/2025 12:31

I'm asking as unsure if I'm overreacting. We have an active and interesting sex life, lots of experimenting.

Yesterday, I was blindfolded and tied up and when the blindfold came off my partner had a porn video on his phone. I was lying on my stomach and it was in front of me, so both of us could see it, after a few minutes he moved the phone and balanced it on my back so only he could see it. As soon as I saw the phone, I felt sick and humilated and I couldn't find the words to tell him to stop, I was trying hard not to cry. I did ask him to stop after about 10 minutes and he did.

For context I am very insecure about how attractive he finds me - I have had children (not his) and I'm the only girlfriend he has had who has had kids. My body looks like it has birthed and fed children. He also struggles with finishing during sex, the majority of the time he can only get there by using his own hand, nothing I do really works, even anal sex he will pull out and finish by hand. He very rarely compliments me, I get the occasional 'you look pretty' and since being with him my self esteem has gone through the floor.

He thinks I am over reacting about the porn, he said he only did it because he thought I'd like it. I still feel sick and humiliated today because I think that if you're having sex with someone, you should be thinking about that person, not watching videos of someone else.

I feel a bit broken but cant explain why

You feel like that because he is a selfish shit who has treated you like a piece of meat.

Get rid of him OP, single life is fab. And universes better than this horror show ❤️

Donttellempike · 25/09/2025 16:42

Rose213 · 25/09/2025 16:23

It's bad because you are upset and didn't like it (your partner should really have a basic understanding of what you like) however a lot of couples watch porn together so I don't think he would have done it to humiliate you.

Either way you don't sound happy with him and you seem incompatible...

There was no together here, she was trussed up, Blindfolded. And treated like a hole.

He watched porn. Propped up on her back while she was blindfolded. That sounds like a horror film

Plastictreees · 25/09/2025 16:47

It’s really worrying you seem to be accepting this as normal and minimising this OP. I think you should seek therapy to improve your self esteem. This seems a very damaging and toxic dynamic.

GoGas · 25/09/2025 16:57

You say he has never done anything like this before, what about since this event, this post was over a year ago so has he continued being an insulting pig.

Also have you been having sex with him for twenty years or is this a recent relationship.

Sometthing has clearly triggered your late response.

Change2banon · 25/09/2025 17:11

He’s your ‘best friend of over 20 years’ and just using you as a kinky sex tool. Please dump him, pick up your self respect as he walks out the door. You are so much better than you realise, you deserve someone so much better than him.