TMI - Partner watching porn during sex with me

[TeamPrincipalFlutie]

I'm asking as unsure if I'm overreacting. We have an active and interesting sex life, lots of experimenting.

Yesterday, I was blindfolded and tied up and when the blindfold came off my partner had a porn video on his phone. I was lying on my stomach and it was in front of me, so both of us could see it, after a few minutes he moved the phone and balanced it on my back so only he could see it. As soon as I saw the phone, I felt sick and humilated and I couldn't find the words to tell him to stop, I was trying hard not to cry. I did ask him to stop after about 10 minutes and he did.

For context I am very insecure about how attractive he finds me - I have had children (not his) and I'm the only girlfriend he has had who has had kids. My body looks like it has birthed and fed children. He also struggles with finishing during sex, the majority of the time he can only get there by using his own hand, nothing I do really works, even anal sex he will pull out and finish by hand. He very rarely compliments me, I get the occasional 'you look pretty' and since being with him my self esteem has gone through the floor.

He thinks I am over reacting about the porn, he said he only did it because he thought I'd like it. I still feel sick and humiliated today because I think that if you're having sex with someone, you should be thinking about that person, not watching videos of someone else.

I feel a bit broken but cant explain why

This was both extremely disturbing and heartbreaking to read. The image of a man watching porn on a phone rested on his partner's back, thrusting away whilst she is naked, tied up and blindfolded and completely vulnerable, feeling distressed and he hasn't noticed or doesn't care. That's utterly repulsive and genuinely made my stomach lurch. The thought of my DD being treated this way by a man, or the thought of my DS treating someone this way makes me feel sick.

What was happening during the 10 minutes that you were upset before he stopped? I'm not asking for details, obviously. But it sounds like you weren't enthusiastically participating in sex at that time. And yet he continued to have sex with you. He is either completely oblivious to your experience because he feels no connection to you during sex, or he knew you weren't having fun and he didn't care.

I'm not at all surprised that your self esteem has plummeted since you've been with him. Please leave and don't look back. This man is utterly toxic and he will destroy your mental health. You and your children deserve more than that. They need a mum who is healthy and happy.

What a simplistic - verging on childish - view of the dynamics of an abusive relationship. It fails to consider any of the nuances and complexities involved.

OP, apart from everything else, others have said before me, are you OK with the potential of him secretly filming you when you are blindfolded?
He's so utterly disrespectful he would be the type of guy who would upload it for kudos.. or cash for clicks.

I’m not denying relationships like this can be complex, they often are. My point is simply that women deserve better than men who treat them with contempt and I don’t think that should be controversial.

Forget the porn OP because you have other problems in this relationship that you are refusing to acknowledge but perhaps use that particular experience to tell him it's over.

since being with him my self esteem has gone through the floor.
This is the reason you need to get away. Far away and soon.

It's not controversial to say that women deserve better than men who treat them with contempt. But that's not what you said.

Please tell this appalling man to get out of your way and never come back. What a horrible experience for you.

Don’t need to meet you to know you deserve to feel a million dollars op. No one should be making their partner feel worse about themselves! Whether inadvertent or not.

I actually meant exactly that - doing better by refusing to accept men like this. We’re on the same page about women deserving better.

This a million times. I'm so sorry, OP.

Jesus Christ that is grim

I have second hand disgust from this. How humiliating.

I don’t like porn at all, I think it twists your mind…and he is literal proof of this. All decency has evaporated.

Get strong, get rid.

Has he any videos on his phone of you? That would be my worry.
Did he film you being fucked when you couldn't see what he was doing?

Jesus. I don’t even know what to say apart from please dump this man.

Are you sure he’s not filming you while you are blindfolded , dump him!

Utter bollocks, he thought you’d like it indeed. This is not about you, or your body, or anything other than he’s wanked himself stupid & become dependent on porn & his hand to finish off. He’s the crap shag here, not you. How dare he degrade you like that, blindfolded folk can’t consent to watching & then moving the phone onto your back is next level rude. This isn’t in any way a standard experience. He sounds absolutely tragic.

Why are you so desperate for any man that you'll put up with one as repulsive as this? Surely being single is a million times better than being treated with utter contempt? This man has no feelings towards you at all, you might as well be a sex doll for him.

Yeah that’s not good, no wonder your self esteem is through the floor, yes you deserve better.

Ultimately whatever sex you’re partaking in should be consensual and equally satisfying. It doesn’t sound like you’re satisfied nor are you consenting. He’s blindfolded you and continued to have sax with you whilst watching porn. Non consensual sex is rape,
he’s an utter bastard and you deserve far far far better.
End it now.

Eeewww yuk! What a disgusting man, please do get rid and find someone who doesn't use you as a prop in his porn addled fantasies. You deserve so much better.

Did he ask your consent to watch porn while he was having sex with you? It sounds like you weren’t aware and he’s just doing what he wants without a thought to whether you are enjoying yourself. To be honest he sounds very very grim and I feel your self esteem must be on the floor. Time to get rid of him I would say and work on your self esteem.

This is one of the most degrading , self absorbed and vile things I have ever read on mumsnet. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever come across anything as revolting in real life either.

don't ask questions, don’t think you are over reacting, just run, leave the shit head and don’t ever look back.

Even without the porn, it sounds as if he is using and abusing you, and the phone sat on your back whilst he is having sex with you , for his own enjoyment is just beyond comprehensible.

he WILL move onto other more degrading things once he gets bored , no doubt you’ll have slapping ( on the face) choking and all other extreme acts that are depicted in porn and rarely in real life.

When you kick him out of your life ( and hopefully in the balls as well ) focus on you and build up your self esteem. Just because you have birthed and fed children does not and will not mean a decent man will not find you attractive.Good men love women in all different shapes and sizes, learn to love you and they will love you back:

Good luck OP

Op, this is no reflection on you, not at all, it's all on him. He's having a sex life with you that a lot of men would be so, so happy with, a woman whose open to lots of sexual things and whose happy to have an active sex life. Sadly, he's watched so much porn he can't orgasm with a real life woman anymore, he can only do that with porn and masturbation. A man having sex with me but still having to watch porn to get off would be leaving very quickly, never to darkened my door again. He is a complete wanker in every sense of the word

This.
sorry OP. It’s him not you. He couod be with a partner with the most beautiful body in the world and hed still not be able to cum without his porn.

And Honestly, Im wondering if you really want to be as adventurous in bed, or if you’d be happier with someone less um spicy and more loving, and that youve just been telling yourself that youre ok and want to be a fun sex partner so say yes youre absolutely up for it but actually deep down you’d be over the moon if he said let’s cuddle, eat ice cream and watch that film we both love and neber have bondage or anal again…….

I wouldn’t be up for that spicy stuff. Not even in my heyday. And that’s ok, each to their own. The most hed have gotten from me is the door handle slamming him in the arse as I kicked him out….

It’s a porn problem not you. They can only finish with the grip of their own hand cos it’s all these sad acts are used to.

Exactly what I thought, this happened to a friend of mine, her first time of having sex with with a very popular local figure. She didn’t complain she was just shocked, I think it’s vile and the way that he did it made me feel that he’s done it multiple times. Makes me wonder what else he’d done and how it escalates when he’s with someone regularly.
OP, this could be the start of even worse things to come.
i hope you’re keeping yourself safe and get away from this guy / stop seeing him asap.
Will only get worse if this is how it started