Together apart - can it work?

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 2025-09-21T06:37:58+00:00

DP lived in his own for ten years before we met. The first few years were wonderful, weekends together both with and without my kids, holidays ditto, he moved in with us on a trial basis and it stayed great although he struggled occasionally we felt that the small 3 bed house was challenging, esp with two primary aged kids with((as it turned out) ADHD. then circumstances forced a house move and we decided to buy together in a new area. Life went slowly downhill and the man i fell in love with was hardly ever present. We both, having become far more familiar with neurodivergent traits due to the kids, suspect a level of autism in him. Whether it's that or having spent so long living alone, family life hasn't worked. He's tired, short tempered and barely touches me even when we're alone together. He's going to move out, we've agreed that already, but neither of us actually want to split because what we had before we moved in together was so good. Can it work? Can a relationship go "backwards", and survive?

MakingPlans2025 · 21/09/2025 07:39

I don’t see why not. People get so hung up on how relationships “should” work and “should” progress. You may as well try?

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 07:40

How long have you lived together?

So he moved in…. Did he sell his property?

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 07:41

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 07:40

How long have you lived together?

So he moved in…. Did he sell his property?

Had a joint mortgage for 3 years lived together a year before that. He's always rented.

OP posts:

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 07:44

So you both own current house? Won’t be need his share to move out?

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 07:44

how long have you been together in total?

ObliviousCoalmine · 21/09/2025 07:51

House and money logistics aside, you can absolutely live apart and maintain the relationship. I’ve been doing it ten years and to be honest, it’s preferable to having someone here all the time (I am also autistic though).

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 07:54

He's tired, short tempered and barely touches me even when we're alone together.

so firstly, get this man out from the home of your children Op. this is unfair on them.

secondly, I can’t believe you want to carry on being with someone who had behaved like this

finally, I suspect the process of entangling your shared finances and owning a home together may well result in the relationship ending anyway because I imagine there will be disagreements… namely he will want what he put in to the house

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 07:58

He is leaving his name on the mortgage for now and will be renting again. I will cover the extra half. I put the deposit into the house, so even if/when we sell he would only get any accrued equity and not that sum, it's written into the deeds.
Currently the mortgage is on fixed term at a much lower interest rate so it doesn't make sense for me to sell right now which gives me time to throw some paint around and get my youngest settled into secondary school first. Then see what I can afford in the area.

We've been together six years.

OP posts:

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 08:03

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 07:58

He is leaving his name on the mortgage for now and will be renting again. I will cover the extra half. I put the deposit into the house, so even if/when we sell he would only get any accrued equity and not that sum, it's written into the deeds.
Currently the mortgage is on fixed term at a much lower interest rate so it doesn't make sense for me to sell right now which gives me time to throw some paint around and get my youngest settled into secondary school first. Then see what I can afford in the area.

We've been together six years.

You certainly want it to remain amicable op
otherwise he will push for a sale

so he’s still there? Not actually moved out? Still irritable and short tempered and remote?

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 08:18

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 08:03

You certainly want it to remain amicable op
otherwise he will push for a sale

so he’s still there? Not actually moved out? Still irritable and short tempered and remote?

Show quote history

Still here and deeply sad about how's he been, but actually reaching out to me and talking to me about how he feels instead of trying to fix it on his own and feeling further and further away from me.
He loves me and he loves the kids but this living situation just isn't workig

OP posts:

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 08:21

in 6 years you met, dated, he moved in, then you all moved areas and bought together, and then he turned unpleasant, and now it’s breaking down.

OP, clean break I think.

And slow down next time!

giveitback · 21/09/2025 08:24

I think it can work but you’ll need to be really intentional about it. You’ve got nothing to lose by trying. Lots of people live apart and for some, having the space to be independent while still being part of a team, can work wonders.

Endofyear · 21/09/2025 08:24

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 08:18

Still here and deeply sad about how's he been, but actually reaching out to me and talking to me about how he feels instead of trying to fix it on his own and feeling further and further away from me.
He loves me and he loves the kids but this living situation just isn't workig

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Why isn't it working? If he loves you and the kids, why isn't he behaving like he does?

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 08:25

Still here and deeply sad about how's he been, but actually reaching out to me and talking to me about how he feels instead of trying to fix it on his own and feeling further and further away from me.
He loves me and he loves the kids but this living situation just isn't workig.

OP posts:

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 08:27

Endofyear · 21/09/2025 08:24

Why isn't it working? If he loves you and the kids, why isn't he behaving like he does?

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Because he's on the verge of autistic burnout most of the time. There are constantly people and noise and people needing things or bickering or jobs to do and he works a very intensive job and he's just....not coping. He needs space all the time and never gets it. I at least wfh most of the time, when I have a job, and spend all day on my own

OP posts:

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 08:29

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 08:27

Because he's on the verge of autistic burnout most of the time. There are constantly people and noise and people needing things or bickering or jobs to do and he works a very intensive job and he's just....not coping. He needs space all the time and never gets it. I at least wfh most of the time, when I have a job, and spend all day on my own

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He’s not diagnosed is he?

OP can you not see how unpleasant this man living with your children will be for them?

do you work? Does he work?

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 08:29

Does he have children?

Wethers121 · 21/09/2025 08:30

It worked for my mum and her second husband. Living together didn’t work for them so they bought live very nearby instead and their relationship is now thriving

User2025meow · 21/09/2025 08:35

I’d just be concerned whether the “autistic burnout” is an excuse or not. By all means, he should seek to get diagnosed (privately I imagine to avoid the crazy waiting lists) because it’s important to know whether or not it is that so that that is causing the issue, and not something else like bog standard selfishness

Lighteningstrikes · 21/09/2025 08:37

I don’t see why not. I know a couple with the same arrangement and it works very well for them.

I think it would be a positive way forward in your circumstances, and at least you would have tried.

Poisonwood · 21/09/2025 08:39

Staying together after a move out has worked well for my best friend - they’d been together 3 years before he moved in, stayed like that for 3, then the stress of early COVID he moved out and they’ve been together ever since just seeing each other at weekends and holidays. They are pretty happy I think.

My DH and I don’t live together and never have, instead we decided to be next door neighbours and that has worked perfectly for years - me and my kids have our time, he has his, see each other each day and sometimes at night sometimes not.

Life’s too short to not give things a try. Also, who cares what anyone else thinks relationships are hard and unique.

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 08:41

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 08:29

He’s not diagnosed is he?

OP can you not see how unpleasant this man living with your children will be for them?

do you work? Does he work?

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He works. I've just finished a contract and havent found a replacement role yet but have some interviews coming up.

He's not unkind, he's just always... tired. He's calm dealing with the kids, takes the time to talk them through what theyre feeling and how theyve reacted but he just always has his jaw clenched and he has to leave the room at small things (like the way one of the kids chews food). He looks hunched and defensive but he doesn't shout or get aggressive or anything that the kids even notice.

As someone who's been through the diagnostic pathway twice now and is still on the waiting list for my own assessment for ADHD I don't see the point for him. It would make no actual difference to anybody for him to have a diagnosis. It's not like ADHD where there would actually be medication to help. It's obviously his choice but I dont feel like it would make anything any different or better. Therapy might, and he's considering that.

OP posts:

Diarygirlqueen · 21/09/2025 08:48

I have two autistic children and one who is recovering from burnout for 4 years. It is traumatising and people who have never experienced it will never understand it.
Let him move out and try this new arrangement. Why not?

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 09:05

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 08:41

He works. I've just finished a contract and havent found a replacement role yet but have some interviews coming up.

He's not unkind, he's just always... tired. He's calm dealing with the kids, takes the time to talk them through what theyre feeling and how theyve reacted but he just always has his jaw clenched and he has to leave the room at small things (like the way one of the kids chews food). He looks hunched and defensive but he doesn't shout or get aggressive or anything that the kids even notice.

As someone who's been through the diagnostic pathway twice now and is still on the waiting list for my own assessment for ADHD I don't see the point for him. It would make no actual difference to anybody for him to have a diagnosis. It's not like ADHD where there would actually be medication to help. It's obviously his choice but I dont feel like it would make anything any different or better. Therapy might, and he's considering that.

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You are very vulnerable then
if he decided to push for sale of property, you are very unlikely to be able to take on the mortgage in sole name

you need to play this carefully op

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 09:05

and he has to leave the room at small things (like the way one of the kids chews food).

fuck that. Can’t believe you stand for this op