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Original poster

Together apart - can it work?

86 replies

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 07:37

DP lived in his own for ten years before we met. The first few years were wonderful, weekends together both with and without my kids, holidays ditto, he moved in with us on a trial basis and it stayed great although he struggled occasionally we felt that the small 3 bed house was challenging, esp with two primary aged kids with((as it turned out) ADHD.

then circumstances forced a house move and we decided to buy together in a new area. Life went slowly downhill and the man i fell in love with was hardly ever present. We both, having become far more familiar with neurodivergent traits due to the kids, suspect a level of autism in him. Whether it's that or having spent so long living alone, family life hasn't worked. He's tired, short tempered and barely touches me even when we're alone together.

He's going to move out, we've agreed that already, but neither of us actually want to split because what we had before we moved in together was so good.

Can it work? Can a relationship go "backwards", and survive?

OP posts:
4daysoff · 26/09/2025 06:31

it might not be the PC thing to do but when it comes to my children… screw political correctness

Yep

Original poster
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 26/09/2025 12:56

Update. We've discuss money and he's suggested containing to pay at least a percentage of the mortgage as well as the insurances, until such time as I remortgage or sell, at which point he would then have that amount of interest in the property. It would be some complicated maths, but would at least mean I have enough spare to continue to put some money into savings once I get a job again.

Keep fingers crossed for the permanent job i'm up for. I would so prefer that to another bloody contract right now.

OP posts:
Emiliachonk · 28/09/2025 07:31

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 26/09/2025 12:56

Update. We've discuss money and he's suggested containing to pay at least a percentage of the mortgage as well as the insurances, until such time as I remortgage or sell, at which point he would then have that amount of interest in the property. It would be some complicated maths, but would at least mean I have enough spare to continue to put some money into savings once I get a job again.

Keep fingers crossed for the permanent job i'm up for. I would so prefer that to another bloody contract right now.

So until he moves out… what’s life like? Still sharing a bed??

Emiliachonk · 28/09/2025 07:32

And will he stop making the atmosphere at home so heavy and unpleasant with his moodiness and constant need for peace

Original poster
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 28/09/2025 07:51

Emiliachonk · 28/09/2025 07:32

And will he stop making the atmosphere at home so heavy and unpleasant with his moodiness and constant need for peace

He's not making the atmosphere heavy or unpleasant. He's just kind of absent some of the time. And he's been in the spare room this week because he's not sleeping well and that stops him waking me up.

Now the decision has been made is like to just get on with it, but that would actually put me in a really difficult position financially, so I'm trying for patience.

OP posts:
Emiliachonk · 28/09/2025 08:25

I think maybe your benchmark has been skewed op

He looks hunched and defensive

He is always… tired

He's tired, short tempered

Emiliachonk · 28/09/2025 08:38

When the say the decision has been made… is that to carry on the relationship but not live to together?

KnutsfordCityLimits · 28/09/2025 08:47

I did this for six years with DD‘s dad and I massively regret it. It stopped me finding the relationship that I really wanted and we split up in the end anyway. I don’t think you’ll really be able to tell until he’s left and you’ve tried it out, but don’t end up compromising what you want just to stay with him. I made all the compromises in my relationship with XP, now I look back and think why did I do that? What about my own needs? Having said that, I don’t think I would’ve moved any partner into the house during my DD’s teenage years as she had all sorts of mental health issues partly stemming from her dad not taking much interest in her, so the only relationship I was going to have anyway would have been a live-out relationship.

Original poster
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 28/09/2025 16:43

KnutsfordCityLimits · 28/09/2025 08:47

I did this for six years with DD‘s dad and I massively regret it. It stopped me finding the relationship that I really wanted and we split up in the end anyway. I don’t think you’ll really be able to tell until he’s left and you’ve tried it out, but don’t end up compromising what you want just to stay with him. I made all the compromises in my relationship with XP, now I look back and think why did I do that? What about my own needs? Having said that, I don’t think I would’ve moved any partner into the house during my DD’s teenage years as she had all sorts of mental health issues partly stemming from her dad not taking much interest in her, so the only relationship I was going to have anyway would have been a live-out relationship.

Well quite.
DP and I are actually in an open relationship so I can pursue other relationships if I want to, but I won't be sharing my home with anyone now until the kids have moved out. They're too old and it wouldn't be fair to them to have a revolving door of men friends. It was a massive leap of trust to move in with DP in the first place, just having to re-adjust to the fact I'll be on my own with the kids again for the rest of the decade and then some.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 13/10/2025 20:06

Turns out that it doesn't matter what he did or didn't do, or what his reasons may or may not be. This uncertainty is trashing my mental health, as is the lack of affection. The intermittent reinforcement theory came across my FB feed today and I realised that I have been subjected to this for the last year - scraps of affection keeping me hanging on. I still love him and I'm sure he has some feelings for me too, but it's just not enough. If you choose to do life with someone, then you have to share all of that life - the hard bits and the messy bits - you don't get to benefit from the fun and the family and bow out of the rest of it.

If he can't do it then fine. He can't do it. But I'm not going to sit around and hope for bettter. I need to focus on my mental health, and my children, and job hunting.

Thank you all for your support. Perhaps this could have worked if it had never progressed to living together, but it can't now.

OP posts:
bigmix · 13/10/2025 20:33

i met dh 9 years ago ish. We lived together for 18 months with my dc and his dc. It wasn’t for me, I couldn’t handle the blended family and didn’t agree with his parenting.
We moved out and bought separate houses. We’re now married and he stays at mine when he doesn’t have his dc.
It works for us

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