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Original poster

Together apart - can it work?

86 replies

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 07:37

DP lived in his own for ten years before we met. The first few years were wonderful, weekends together both with and without my kids, holidays ditto, he moved in with us on a trial basis and it stayed great although he struggled occasionally we felt that the small 3 bed house was challenging, esp with two primary aged kids with((as it turned out) ADHD.

then circumstances forced a house move and we decided to buy together in a new area. Life went slowly downhill and the man i fell in love with was hardly ever present. We both, having become far more familiar with neurodivergent traits due to the kids, suspect a level of autism in him. Whether it's that or having spent so long living alone, family life hasn't worked. He's tired, short tempered and barely touches me even when we're alone together.

He's going to move out, we've agreed that already, but neither of us actually want to split because what we had before we moved in together was so good.

Can it work? Can a relationship go "backwards", and survive?

OP posts:
DurinsBane · 21/09/2025 10:59

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 08:29

He’s not diagnosed is he?

OP can you not see how unpleasant this man living with your children will be for them?

do you work? Does he work?

Show quote history

He is moving out, isn’t he? So I’m sure the OP can see

OverlyFragrant · 21/09/2025 11:03

Yes it can work.
I am a terrible partner when living with someone. I need my own space to retreat to, and to fill my glass so to speak.
I have my own little flat and life is exactly how I need it.
My partners have been understanding.
I have told myself if I do want to live with someone I will need my own bedroom at least, for my own sanity to just be me.
Would separate bedrooms work, if not now in the future maybe.

KawasakiBabe · 21/09/2025 11:11

DH and I split up 2.5y ago after being together 24y, it was a traumatic split and we didn’t speak or see each other for nearly a year to the day. We were then forced to spend a full week together just sitting by a hospital bed. We had no choice but to talk and it had to be quiet, civil and respectful. It was an horrendous week of worry and pain, but it was also a week which was amazing for our marriage. We have been back together since then, so 1.5yrs. He do not live together, I’m still in the marital home and he has his own place close by. It works for us, we see each other a lot and he stays over usually twice a week. I do want him back home eventually, but I love what we have right now. Do what works for you both, you do not have to explain to anyone else and you do not have to compare yourselves to anyone else’s relationship. Good luck to you.

Brightbluesomething · 21/09/2025 11:12

It might be healthier all round to split. But if you don’t want to do that (and for financial reasons I get why you don’t want to sell the house straight away) I think some counselling could be helpful. His behaviour has hurt you and he needs to understand this and work to avoid this happening again. He sounds like he might need to see his GP as well, the tiredness could be a medical issue.

CrystalPalaceNoLonger · 21/09/2025 11:15

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 09:05

and he has to leave the room at small things (like the way one of the kids chews food).

fuck that. Can’t believe you stand for this op

Might be worth looking at misophonia
https://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/ohspic/problems/misophonia/

KawasakiBabe · 21/09/2025 11:16

Brightbluesomething · 21/09/2025 11:12

It might be healthier all round to split. But if you don’t want to do that (and for financial reasons I get why you don’t want to sell the house straight away) I think some counselling could be helpful. His behaviour has hurt you and he needs to understand this and work to avoid this happening again. He sounds like he might need to see his GP as well, the tiredness could be a medical issue.

I should also add thst my DH has had a year of therapy, seeing both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. It was part of my terms of getting back together. This has been amazing for him and I haven’t seen him this settled, happy and just all round emotionally balanced, for many years.

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 11:58

CrystalPalaceNoLonger · 21/09/2025 11:15

Show quote history

He can look at that but in the OP’s shoes I wouldn’t waste my time, why? Because If my boyfriend did this around my child… they’d be out, whatever the reasoning behind it

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 21/09/2025 12:24

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 08:29

He’s not diagnosed is he?

OP can you not see how unpleasant this man living with your children will be for them?

do you work? Does he work?

Show quote history

Can you not read? It's literally in the post you've quoted that both he and op work. He's not just being unpleasant op has repeatedly explained that he's not coping mentally and it's the living conditions affecting his mental health. Op yes it absolutely can work. I live separately from my partner and have done for over 15 years now, my partner has a degree of ocd, and although it's not severe enough to negatively impact his life generally, he absolutely couldn't cope when we tried living together. It's worked for us and we're perfectly happy being together but living apart. A relationship is about what works for you, lots of people will tell you that if he loved you enough he'd make it work, but that's partly because for some on mumsnet men are always the bad guy and men's mental health should be sacrificed at the altar of women's wants. All you can do is live separately and just see if it works, you'll soon know if it's going to. And as for the poster saying that the changes you've made over 6 years were too quick, they need to get a bloody grip !

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 12:36

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 21/09/2025 12:24

Can you not read? It's literally in the post you've quoted that both he and op work. He's not just being unpleasant op has repeatedly explained that he's not coping mentally and it's the living conditions affecting his mental health. Op yes it absolutely can work. I live separately from my partner and have done for over 15 years now, my partner has a degree of ocd, and although it's not severe enough to negatively impact his life generally, he absolutely couldn't cope when we tried living together. It's worked for us and we're perfectly happy being together but living apart. A relationship is about what works for you, lots of people will tell you that if he loved you enough he'd make it work, but that's partly because for some on mumsnet men are always the bad guy and men's mental health should be sacrificed at the altar of women's wants. All you can do is live separately and just see if it works, you'll soon know if it's going to. And as for the poster saying that the changes you've made over 6 years were too quick, they need to get a bloody grip !

Show quote history

Oh dear you missed when I have a job,

you didn’t read the OP’s follow up posts where she clarified that job hunting

Original poster
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/09/2025 12:48

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 21/09/2025 12:24

Can you not read? It's literally in the post you've quoted that both he and op work. He's not just being unpleasant op has repeatedly explained that he's not coping mentally and it's the living conditions affecting his mental health. Op yes it absolutely can work. I live separately from my partner and have done for over 15 years now, my partner has a degree of ocd, and although it's not severe enough to negatively impact his life generally, he absolutely couldn't cope when we tried living together. It's worked for us and we're perfectly happy being together but living apart. A relationship is about what works for you, lots of people will tell you that if he loved you enough he'd make it work, but that's partly because for some on mumsnet men are always the bad guy and men's mental health should be sacrificed at the altar of women's wants. All you can do is live separately and just see if it works, you'll soon know if it's going to. And as for the poster saying that the changes you've made over 6 years were too quick, they need to get a bloody grip !

Show quote history

Thank you. It's hard to ignore societal norms and even harder to not just feel like this is going backwards and is the start of him trying to ditch me slowly. However I havent seen him as sad as he was when he thought telling me he couldn't cope any more might be the end of us. Since then I can see the weight having lifted off his shoulders and he's been affectionate and more open with me than he has in months. I dont know if it's the answer, but I do know the current situation isn't tenable.

And as for leaving the room it's not like he throws his cutlery down and flounced out, he just quietly gets up and goes to take 5 or 10 minutes until he can cope again. My youngest, however, also has misophonia and it's also triggered by the eldest's chewing. Youngest is not nearly so subtle and throws things at eldest, screams at him to stop chewing, bursts into tears. Not sure either of them notice DP leaving the table.

I am deeply sad. I will miss living with the man I love, but he's not really been that for a long time now. I am scared of the financial impact. I am terrified I won't find work. I am already tired at the thought of doing all the adulting on my own, but those aren't good reasons to stay living together and in return I won't have to worry about how my noise or the children might be affecting him, or whether I will get a cuddle or not.

One thing I found when my husband and I split was that it was easier to accept not getting things or having to do everything on my own when I was the only person/adult there. When ex left I found myself not minding cleaning the bathroom because I wasn't resenting him for not doing it. Perhaps now I will find it easier to not get physical affection because he's not there rather than because he can't cope with it. And if we can make it work then when I do see him i will hopefully get everything I need and there will be no resentment.

Im not expecting any answers, by the way. Im just musing and trying to adjust my expectations and emotions to what's going to happen.

OP posts:
WhattheFudgeareyouonabout · 21/09/2025 13:04

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 11:58

He can look at that but in the OP’s shoes I wouldn’t waste my time, why? Because If my boyfriend did this around my child… they’d be out, whatever the reasoning behind it

Show quote history

Absolutely.

IF he does have autism, that might be a reason for some of his feelings, however it is not an excuse for shitty behaviour.

Is he actually willing to address his reactions to his own feelings? Do you think you might feel resentful towards him for moving out? You obviously have understanding of how “tricky” it can be caring for neurotypical children. It can get trickier as puberty kicks in. Will you honestly feel absolutely fine knowing he’s sitting comfortably in his little flat while you are carrying the weight of it all on your own?

What about your needs? You’re clearly concerned about his wellbeing but what about your own?

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 13:30

Does he have children op?

So atm he’s paying the mortgage? Presumably he won’t be able to move out until you’re earning again?

it all seems very entangled op

Original poster
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 22/09/2025 16:16

WhattheFudgeareyouonabout · 21/09/2025 13:04

Absolutely.

IF he does have autism, that might be a reason for some of his feelings, however it is not an excuse for shitty behaviour.

Is he actually willing to address his reactions to his own feelings? Do you think you might feel resentful towards him for moving out? You obviously have understanding of how “tricky” it can be caring for neurotypical children. It can get trickier as puberty kicks in. Will you honestly feel absolutely fine knowing he’s sitting comfortably in his little flat while you are carrying the weight of it all on your own?

What about your needs? You’re clearly concerned about his wellbeing but what about your own?

Show quote history

Neither of my kids are neurotypucal and neither of them are his kids. He doesn't have any children.
I need my home to feel like a space where me and the kids can be ourselves and I need to feel loved and special to my partner. Those are my needs and they can be met this way, but im feeling a lot of fear and anxiety currently. Both financial and emotional. If this turns out to just be a slow mo dumping it's going to break me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 22/09/2025 16:17

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 13:30

Does he have children op?

So atm he’s paying the mortgage? Presumably he won’t be able to move out until you’re earning again?

it all seems very entangled op

Edited

He's paying his half of the mortgage until he moves out. Im using my savings ti cover my share atm. I admit I am concerned about if I dont find something.

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 22/09/2025 16:51

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 09:05

and he has to leave the room at small things (like the way one of the kids chews food).

fuck that. Can’t believe you stand for this op

Agree
Unpopular opnion but I feel like he is a nasty short tempered man

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 16:51

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 22/09/2025 16:17

He's paying his half of the mortgage until he moves out. Im using my savings ti cover my share atm. I admit I am concerned about if I dont find something.

Show quote history

“Until he moves out”

is there even vaguely a date in mind?

Original poster
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 22/09/2025 17:00

Merseymum1980 · 22/09/2025 16:51

Agree
Unpopular opnion but I feel like he is a nasty short tempered man

Show quote history

For quietly leaving a room at something that is upsetting him? I am finding it weird that this upsets so many people. Hes not making a production out of it, just makes his excuses and leaves the room for a bit. I mentioned it as something that is making life difficult for him, not me.

Whatever.

He won't be leaving until end of October at the earliest, and may stay on until I have a job again. He has a lot of work travel coming up so won't be around much as it is.

OP posts:
Mum2twoandacockapoo · 22/09/2025 17:15

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 09:05

and he has to leave the room at small things (like the way one of the kids chews food).

fuck that. Can’t believe you stand for this op

You clearly have no idea about Autism . It’s not something they can help ! They can have strategies to help but it’s not as clear cut as just the OP standing for this .

Its almost reading like the olden days when the neurodiverse people were shoved in a cupboard or sent off to a place to keep them out of society coz they ain’t “normal”
we’ve moved on from that now … if he’s autistic he still deserves a family life.

My friend is autistic and she struggles to live with a partner . She has to be on her own for periods of time. She has to take the mask off and she can’t mask all the time . So she would agree about living separately to give him space to just be him . He probably just wants calm in his life .

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 17:17

Mum2twoandacockapoo · 22/09/2025 17:15

You clearly have no idea about Autism . It’s not something they can help ! They can have strategies to help but it’s not as clear cut as just the OP standing for this .

Its almost reading like the olden days when the neurodiverse people were shoved in a cupboard or sent off to a place to keep them out of society coz they ain’t “normal”
we’ve moved on from that now … if he’s autistic he still deserves a family life.

My friend is autistic and she struggles to live with a partner . She has to be on her own for periods of time. She has to take the mask off and she can’t mask all the time . So she would agree about living separately to give him space to just be him . He probably just wants calm in his life .

Show quote history

Oh in the OP’s shoes I wouldn’t give a flying fig if he was autistic or not.

Fact is…. I don’t want a tense, short tempered twat in my children’s home, who possibly has a condition that means he’s sensitive to chewing and will walk out while my children is eating. Fuck that!

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 17:19

* if he’s autistic he still deserves a family life.*

nope, not with my family if his autism manifests itself as short tempered and disgusted by my children. Nope. Out on his ear

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 17:20

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 22/09/2025 17:00

For quietly leaving a room at something that is upsetting him? I am finding it weird that this upsets so many people. Hes not making a production out of it, just makes his excuses and leaves the room for a bit. I mentioned it as something that is making life difficult for him, not me.

Whatever.

He won't be leaving until end of October at the earliest, and may stay on until I have a job again. He has a lot of work travel coming up so won't be around much as it is.

Show quote history

”something that is upsetting him”

YOUR CHILD OP

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 17:20

He won't be leaving until end of October at the earliest, and may stay on until I have a job again. He has a lot of work travel coming up so won't be around much as it is.

great, so more short tempered moodiness to suck up

Thechaseison71 · 22/09/2025 18:23

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 22/09/2025 17:00

For quietly leaving a room at something that is upsetting him? I am finding it weird that this upsets so many people. Hes not making a production out of it, just makes his excuses and leaves the room for a bit. I mentioned it as something that is making life difficult for him, not me.

Whatever.

He won't be leaving until end of October at the earliest, and may stay on until I have a job again. He has a lot of work travel coming up so won't be around much as it is.

Show quote history

Because people on MN will make any number of exceptions for ND kids behaviour and say its part of their condition. Yet if any adult ( especially male) displays any habits or symptoms its terrible. They don't seem to realise all the ND kids will grow into ND adults

Thechaseison71 · 22/09/2025 18:25

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 17:19

* if he’s autistic he still deserves a family life.*

nope, not with my family if his autism manifests itself as short tempered and disgusted by my children. Nope. Out on his ear

So what happens ( as op has stated) that one of the kids has a meltdown and throws things at the other kids chewing. Which kid do you then get rid of?

Original poster
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 22/09/2025 18:31

Thechaseison71 · 22/09/2025 18:23

Because people on MN will make any number of exceptions for ND kids behaviour and say its part of their condition. Yet if any adult ( especially male) displays any habits or symptoms its terrible. They don't seem to realise all the ND kids will grow into ND adults

Edited
Show quote history

It really doesn't help that the child in question uses food to stim and when he's tired can make some truly horrible mouth noises.

As for a child getting upset over the other one chewing I suggest music, leaving the table until shes calmer, trying to encourage DS to be aware of the noises he's making... so DP is using the same accommodations as I suggest to my DD. Only he manages them quietly on his own.

OP posts: