Together apart - can it work?

[MakesCakesWhenStressed]

DP lived in his own for ten years before we met. The first few years were wonderful, weekends together both with and without my kids, holidays ditto, he moved in with us on a trial basis and it stayed great although he struggled occasionally we felt that the small 3 bed house was challenging, esp with two primary aged kids with((as it turned out) ADHD.

then circumstances forced a house move and we decided to buy together in a new area. Life went slowly downhill and the man i fell in love with was hardly ever present. We both, having become far more familiar with neurodivergent traits due to the kids, suspect a level of autism in him. Whether it's that or having spent so long living alone, family life hasn't worked. He's tired, short tempered and barely touches me even when we're alone together.

He's going to move out, we've agreed that already, but neither of us actually want to split because what we had before we moved in together was so good.

Can it work? Can a relationship go "backwards", and survive?

I won’t make exceptions for any one when it comes to how they’re behaving in my children’s home.

Even if it's one of your other children?

Why is everyone being so horrible about this man? He’s not coping, admits he’s not coping, has suggested a solution which actually doesn’t benefit him financially and to be honest sounds a bloody good solution.

I think it sounds perfect. Works for Charles and Camilla.

🙄
Oh don’t be silly

but a boyfriend? 😆

He's tired, short tempered
He’s hunched, looks defensive
He needs space all the time
He walks out of the room as can’t cope with the OP’s child… chewing!!

All the above would mean he’d be out on his ear. I’d not be having that kind of person and atmosphere around my children

My son has ADHD
There is no end to what i would put up with from him

From a boyfriend? 😆

I have misophonia, it’s excruciating, it triggers extreme distress and anger. It’s no-ones fault but I’ve had to get up and leave a table before. Tbh your household does sound a bit overwhelming to me too. I’m completely NT but I would find it hard to live with too much noise and chaos and would probably also be stressed and hunched up too.

He’s moving out, thats fine. Tbh if anything ever happened to my husband I wouldn’t want to live with anyone ever again so being together apart sounds a great balance to me,

So knowing what you know about yourself, would you move in with a boyfriend / girlfriend who had two young children?

If it works for you both and your both happy with the new set up then it works.
I think living with someone else’s children would be incredibly hard.
I would be concerned about leaving myself exposed financially. Have you done a budget? Would you ever be in a position to transfer the mortgage to your own name?
You will find work, keep positive.

Me and my partner did. I moved in with him and hated it. He lived remotely and I felt isolated. He changed from loving to not communicating with me. we lived like roommates.

i moved out as I was so unhappy and we split up for 6 weeks. We chatted and it turned out he was depressed and I am more a homebody and he struggled with me in the house lots. He also struggled to share his space as he had lived alone for many years and just wanted some chill out time. When he was married they worked shifts so he had his own time.

we have lived apart for 2 years and thriving. He is mostly at mine for 75.% of our time. He has muted about buying together but we need a place with space to retreat to. I am nervous as I like what we have now. We are great and despite financial advantages it works

Going backwards in whose estimation OP?

Please ignore what the society says a relationship should look like and what is/isnt progression or decline in one...

... just do what makes you both happy. Screw everyone else's opinions. (But not your children's obviously)

No it didn’t work for me . He moved out after one year living together .. our lives then drifted apart and it was like slow break up .
we no longer speak.

Personally if I were ever to have a relationship again this is how I would start it with a view to continue. I don't want to live with another kid, effectively, or feel beholden to some secret pact that I do all of this while they sometimes do something once and a while which ensures I secretly seethe.

If they want to live in squalor and really don't care then great. It's not like any woman will want to visit their hovel or de-robe surrounded by dirty plates and a carpet that's got god knows what ingrained in it.

Taking the relationship out of the home seems healthier to me. You'll likely do more activities together and appreciate the time spent together more too.

You said you wouldn't make exceptions for anyone . So you were either lying then or changed story since

Don’t be daft @Thechaseison71

do you have children?

End of October at the earliest op?

This is going to be very drawn out and tricky if you’re not careful

I lived apart from my husband for the first 20 years of our marriage (and a few years before it) and it worked well. We’ve been living together for the past five years, and I’m amazed my teeth haven’t broken from gritting them so often.

So yes, I think it can work. It needs trust, frank communication, clear agreements about how often and where you’ll spend time together, how responsibilities (financial and practical) will be fairly divided, and you need to think what will happen if, for example, one of you is ill or injured and needs help, or if either of your circumstances change (job loss for example) so the costs are too high.

Editrd because my predictive text is illiterate

Living together is not for everyone, and 'together apart' can work very well. I am not autistic but I do enjoy my own space and alone time (by myself and also time with just me and my chld) and wouldn't want my partner there all the time. We've been together over four years and haven't moved in, merged finances or starting taking on responsibilities for each others children (who we both get along very well with). This keeps thing very easy and fun. We really enjoy our weekends and holidays together (also with my DC). It keeps us both making an effort. Things that are mildly annoying stay mildly annoying rather than become massive issues because we are in each other's pockets. Good luck transitioning to a new phase.

Self-diagnosis can be valid (not everyone can afford to go privately), especially as OP has said she can see autistic traits.

Yes 3 of them

So surely you’ll know that referring to what you don’t put up with from a boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse / friend / relative etc bears NO correlation to what you put up with and handle in respect of your own children.

At least, I hope you know that

The poster said ANYONE. Or are you denying that?

She didn't refer to boyfriends or anyone in particular

I would say “anyone” and wouldn’t include my children in that context.

Bizarre you’re picking up that point.

I am with that poster. I don’t give a hoot whether you’re ND or NT, I wouldn’t put up with this kind of shit from anyone in my children’s home.

and @Thechaseison71 because it know it’s important to you…. I’m not including my child’s sibling when I say “anyone in my children’s home” 😆

Lol fair enough. I only commented on what was ACTUALLY written.

What would you do if one of your children had something wrong with them and made their siblings lives unbearable? Physically attacked them? Sexually abused them? Destroyed all their stuff on a regular basis?

What an extreme question.

I think that poster was quite reasonably outlining her position as a parent in relation to the scenario and similar to what the OP was describing - which is “I wouldn’t have this going on in my children’s home, he’d be out”

and I agree. I don’t want a man, miserable, short tempered, always wanting to be alone - to be sitting in my children’s home. And I wouldn’t care whether he waved a ND diagnosis at me. I’d snatch it and fling it out along with him and his belongings!

it might not be the PC thing to do but when it comes to my children… screw political correctness