I'm a bit stuck now with some bad news...

[JustaGirlTrying]

Hi all.

Maybes a bit of a long post, so I do apologise.

I have just been given bad news by my ex boyfriend that he has cancer. He's only late 40s and we spent over a decade together and we're friends first. It was a bit of a turbulent relationship at times, but we had some good times, made memories and just couldn't deal with the world well, but we don't hold that against each other.

We properly spilt a few years ago, but remained friends and he helped me out a lot when I hurt my back and the most supportive person when my grandad died.

I am now in a new relationship, but it's a relationship I wish I had never gotten into and it's seems very hard to get out of. Hes a much older man, controlling, condescending and just basically won't get out of my life and I've asked him many times to. We do have nice days, but he is very teenage like, very argumentative and always has to be right. Sexually coercive and just a bit of a head do. I don't want to get the police involved and my parents are very close to removing him from house..... Anyways..... That will all be sorted out soon...

My ex and I are amicable, I do care for him and he's a nice lad, helps anyone with anything type of person. Now that I have been told this cancer news I am immediately wanting to help him. I see him for the first time in 9 months tomorrow at the hospital. He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.

He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo. He has a loving mother, he has a daughter I don't know of they are estranged still, and he has a sister he half gets on with. He's well known as a good lad around the area and has nice mates.

In my mind, (maybes it's panic), but I am thinking of asking him when he gets better from chemo if he wants to come and stay with me for a bit (nothing sexual) as I have moved out into the countryside. In my mind I am hoping to help him get his immune system back naturally and show him that it's ok to take time out to heal. He's a massive stickler for working and is constantly employed working hard. I live alone (technically) with our cat we got together 11 years ago.

He never looked after his health and I just feel he deserves a second chance hopefully in life to redeem himself and see a new outlook on life and cherish it. I am no way looking to have a couple relationship with him again, but he is a great friend.

When I found out this morning, I told my current partner (1 year) and he started trying to lecture me about cancer as he thinks I'm thick, and were both holistic so I dont know what he was trying to tell me. I told him I wasn't interested in what he had to say as I know what he was pushing and I shouted at him and he got pissy at me and we haven't spoken since. He's left to take his dog out, not even texted me to see if I'm ok. No emotional support at all.

I'm in bad health myself with my bad back and been in bed depressed all day in tears, having to contact old mutual friends and stuff. I've been helping out with trying to get my ex with pip and stuff like that, get the ball rolling until I see him face to face.

I'm literally sick of my current fella draining me like he does and he has his own place but chooses to live here with all his stuff clogging my house up just being lazy and making excuses.

I feel like my ex deserves my help so much more than this narcissist and maybe he will just leave anyways when he's not getting the attention.

I don't know what I'm writing here, I'm just getting stuff out, but do you think it's unreasonable or weird to ask my ex if he wants to stay on a bed downstairs to try and heal? He's been living with his mam for a year or so and she's getting on mid 70s now and wasn't well herself last year.

Obvs I will wait until I get this current one out of my house first!

Thanks for reading if you did, please go easy on me, I'm not after any negativity.

I understood what you said and i think you are doing a really good and kind thing, your suggestions certainly aren't going to do him any harm.
But !! you must get this leach out of your life first and fast ,regardless of your ex's needs you are priority too and shouldn't let anyone abuse you in any way.

It sounds like you're having a hard time and creating a fantasy world to escape into.

You need to sort your own problems before getting tangled into a new one.

You have a controlling partner, going to see your ex sounds dangerous for you and at the very least has a strong possibility of beeining stress into your exs life when he needs to focus on treatment.

Even ignoring that, if he wants more then you'll break his heart.

Just stay away would be my advice.

If he needs to redeem himself it can’t have been that great.

OP i think if you'd just written my ex who I am still very good friends with has a stage 3 cancer diagnosis, I live in the countryside and I'm thinking after his treatment if he'd like a week or two away as a break and a rest in some fresh air, I might invite him to stay and that way he has someone to cook for him etc too for a bit so he can focus on resting, people might have approached you differently. Lots of people got hung up on the word holistic but it doesn't sound like you're talking about anything other than rest and respite after a medical procedure.

As for the other matter, if you want to help your friend/ex you can't pour from an empty cup. The current relationship needs to end immediately and you need to work on getting yourself into a better place physically and mentally to be able to offer support.

Thank you for your kind caring post. Maybes it would, I am open to talking about anything and tbh I've had a good few things happen in my life that warrant therapy.

I guess I always just think I will be resilient and not need it, but the nice peopewho have given me perspective today have made me think I do need a bit of help and guidance. I've always been the strong one who helps people out.

Be supportive with visits and phone calls.
Don't try and help him heal or build his immune system naturally. Stay out of that completely. You're not a doctor.

“Redeem himself” ?

Be his friend. Support him empathetically, give him what he wants, not what you think he needs.

Sort out your own life, which is a mess, and then be a good friend to your ex. Not swooping in as his saviour.

This ^

I can't remember saying illness anywhere, but if I have so be it.

Bad health as in bad back and I just had to get an inhaler and steroids due to a random allergy.

I also had drop foot, severe lateral shift, long lasting nerve damage the lot and the stick, but I still have to work.

You read it wrong like so many others.

Dramatic? Non.

I think the reason you've had the comments here is that when you said
"He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.
He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo"

It very much reads like you have a problem with chemo and "whatever the hospital say", like you think natural stuff is an equally effective treatment for cancer and he's making a choice between 2 reasonable courses of action but you would make a different choice.

I'm sure you didn't mean it like that, but that's how it may have come across to some.

I hope you manage to remove your abuser from your home. You could contact women's aid or equivalent for their advice and support

My god people love to jump on a poster without reading their post (or willfully ignoring key points). The OP never said she was to try to talk her ex out of chemo or any other medical treatment. You lot just love a pile on.

Bang out of order 😡 Read that back and see who is ‘rather unpleasant’ .

Please watch Apple Cider Vinegar, and read up in the case of Paloma Shemirani - I am all for holistic approaches and I eat very healthily myself, but when it comes to cancer you can't mess around. People have died following holistic approaches, where they could have been saved.

His body will also need the support of nutrition but if he needs chemo, he needs chemo.

End things with current partner and just be there for your ex.

He has a long heavy road ahead of him with all kinds of side effects to get through. If he moves in it could actually be quite stressful for you and him and that won't help. Just be there for him and see how it all unfolds - you don't need to jump to be a rescuer and move him straight in.

Put your own oxygen mask on first☺️

Well that's not how it's meant to come across. Not redeem himself to me or anyone, redeem himself to his own life, redeem himself to his own health.

Deffo not controlling, just the wrong use of vocabulary maybes, depends on how dimensional people use their words.

To be fair the impression I got from your posts was that you were so ill and disabled that you wouldn’t be capable of working. Between physical issues and mental health issues.

no shade - I have physical disabilities and I’m mentally unwell as well as having audhd. And now most likely cancer as well.

Kindly op you have enough on your plate dealing with your own health and an unhealthy relationship.
You are not going to cure your ex with fruit juice and country air. With your ailments you probably need to focus on getting better, getting out of your relationship and then if you want be available for support if your ex wants/needs it. For cancer patients this is more often practical help eg food prep, running to appointments, help around the house

Redeem himself definitely means what I think it means.

To succeed or do something good after a previous failure or bad behaviour.

what do you think it means?

i am relieved you have come round to the idea of weekends staying with you, that is a great idea and you Know to get rid of the baddun that wont leave, that can be your impetus

Thank you, you're right.

I've just been lost in a whirlwind of emotion today and not thinking clearly at all, just mind blurb coming out.

The internet equivalent of think before you speak.

I’ll take a punt you didn’t get the Covid vaccine

This feels a bit odd. You haven’t seen him for 9 months and he’s not your partner but you want to sort his whole life out for him.

Sorry but it sounds like you’re using him as a project or distraction to replace your currently crap relationship. I might be wrong but the whole situation sounds unhealthy.

You say his mother is unwell but also say you’re in poor health too. Does his mum want him home after his chemo? I can understand if he had nowhere to go or was going to be alone but he has his mum. I’m not sure that this isn’t about grabbing something for you…

Suceed in good health after failure.

His health has failed, I see eating healthy instead of takeaways and alcohol every night as redeeming his health to his own health.

No malice, just wording.

Please don't use terms about redeeming himself because he's not taken care of himself. That sounds to me like blaming his lifestyle for getting cancer.

I say this as someone currently fighting 2 different cancers (and if anyone said about redeeming myself I'd impolitely punch them).

I'd sort out your relationship before involving your ex. He doesn't need domestic dramas as treatment is draining enough.

Firstly, get rid of the partner that is apparently so awful and you don’t like.

Then give it a month and then think about this.

You do not want to rush into anything anyway.

It’s not just the dynamics of living with an ex partner but also having to care for someone sick and what happens if he gets worse/better etc. He’ll likely want lots of regular visitors too etc.

You are not in the right frame of mind to be making any big decisions like this.

What you do need to do is get rid of the current partner.