I'm a bit stuck now with some bad news...

[JustaGirlTrying]

Hi all.

Maybes a bit of a long post, so I do apologise.

I have just been given bad news by my ex boyfriend that he has cancer. He's only late 40s and we spent over a decade together and we're friends first. It was a bit of a turbulent relationship at times, but we had some good times, made memories and just couldn't deal with the world well, but we don't hold that against each other.

We properly spilt a few years ago, but remained friends and he helped me out a lot when I hurt my back and the most supportive person when my grandad died.

I am now in a new relationship, but it's a relationship I wish I had never gotten into and it's seems very hard to get out of. Hes a much older man, controlling, condescending and just basically won't get out of my life and I've asked him many times to. We do have nice days, but he is very teenage like, very argumentative and always has to be right. Sexually coercive and just a bit of a head do. I don't want to get the police involved and my parents are very close to removing him from house..... Anyways..... That will all be sorted out soon...

My ex and I are amicable, I do care for him and he's a nice lad, helps anyone with anything type of person. Now that I have been told this cancer news I am immediately wanting to help him. I see him for the first time in 9 months tomorrow at the hospital. He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.

He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo. He has a loving mother, he has a daughter I don't know of they are estranged still, and he has a sister he half gets on with. He's well known as a good lad around the area and has nice mates.

In my mind, (maybes it's panic), but I am thinking of asking him when he gets better from chemo if he wants to come and stay with me for a bit (nothing sexual) as I have moved out into the countryside. In my mind I am hoping to help him get his immune system back naturally and show him that it's ok to take time out to heal. He's a massive stickler for working and is constantly employed working hard. I live alone (technically) with our cat we got together 11 years ago.

He never looked after his health and I just feel he deserves a second chance hopefully in life to redeem himself and see a new outlook on life and cherish it. I am no way looking to have a couple relationship with him again, but he is a great friend.

When I found out this morning, I told my current partner (1 year) and he started trying to lecture me about cancer as he thinks I'm thick, and were both holistic so I dont know what he was trying to tell me. I told him I wasn't interested in what he had to say as I know what he was pushing and I shouted at him and he got pissy at me and we haven't spoken since. He's left to take his dog out, not even texted me to see if I'm ok. No emotional support at all.

I'm in bad health myself with my bad back and been in bed depressed all day in tears, having to contact old mutual friends and stuff. I've been helping out with trying to get my ex with pip and stuff like that, get the ball rolling until I see him face to face.

I'm literally sick of my current fella draining me like he does and he has his own place but chooses to live here with all his stuff clogging my house up just being lazy and making excuses.

I feel like my ex deserves my help so much more than this narcissist and maybe he will just leave anyways when he's not getting the attention.

I don't know what I'm writing here, I'm just getting stuff out, but do you think it's unreasonable or weird to ask my ex if he wants to stay on a bed downstairs to try and heal? He's been living with his mam for a year or so and she's getting on mid 70s now and wasn't well herself last year.

Obvs I will wait until I get this current one out of my house first!

Thanks for reading if you did, please go easy on me, I'm not after any negativity.

Read the thread.

It was the “which is his choice” that suggested she doesn’t agree. OP can do what she likes as long as she doesn’t influence her friend with cancer to stop chemo etc.

That’s so offensive. You don’t know what caused his cancer do you?

redeeming his health to his own health makes no sense.

what should I do to redeem my health? Please tell me

FFS, She said after he had finished what his oncologist advised! Whether she just meant juices and healthy eating, fresh air, and some exercises if possible, or having a minute amount of whatever is advised by people in that field, as well as all the normally considered healthy eating and healthy practices, none of those things should cause an actual problem (unless they were a lot of very high sugar juices such as orange and pineapple juice - unfortunately many cancers feed on sugar).

Why are so many Mumsnetters unable to read and understand a thread owner's opening, and often subsequent, threads as well? That drives me mad as just an onlooker, or possible a participator, as I have never actually started a thread myself.

Read the replies.
I think we're seeing what you don't, or won't.

aren’t you just delightful..

Maybe harsh, but not necessarily an unfair assumption.

So if my cancer turns out to be terminal I won’t have succeeded in good health after failure. Even though the op has no idea what caused her friends cancer.

and I won’t have been able to redeem my health to my own health.

so getting cancer is a redeemable failure. Except if you don’t try hard enough.

And totally irrelevant to the post.

I can’t get over the statement that getting cancer is a failure.

i have likely got ovarian cancer.

I never smoked. Rarely drank (Christmas and my birthday and a lot of years not even that. My last drink was last new years when I had a whiskey at midnight). Exercised until I got disabled. Ate healthy and with minimal UPF before that was even a thing.

But I’ve failed because I’ve got cancer. And if I turn out to be terminal I’ve not redeemed my self to my health. Whatever the fuck that means.

OP calls herself holistic and wants to help heal him naturally. She opened herself up to it.

I’m saying this with compassion but don’t replace one dysfunctional relationship with another. You can’t ‘save’ him and it’s not your place to. This is difficult bit - whatever piece of yourself that kept you in an abusive relationship can’t be healed by trying to cater for this man. I’d go as far as to say it’s not fair on him either. I would have counselling and spend time by yourself. It’s great that you’re getting out of the current situation but don’t rush to fill that void (the platonic bit is by the by.)

@JustaGirlTrying

This (and the following post trying to explain this differently) are so incredibly offensive.

Please just take a beat and read and take on some of the replies from people on here and try and understand how what you think is caring is being received by others.

Post wasn’t about the Covid vaccine!

No holistic health cures cancer. Anyone who suggests it does is misguided at best. Irresponsible at worst

Op you’re getting yourself in a real tizzy about the cancer. It’s not normal to be lying in bed depressed because you hear someone has a diagnosis. For many people chemo is relatively manageable and is not all about lying in bed all day every day unable to function. Indeed many cancers which are diagnosed at stages 1-3 are extremely treatable and not a death sentence. Obviously others are more treatable. It would help you to put that into context to manage your panic - bowel cancer often curable and very treatable at late stage. Prostate extremely manageable even if late stage. Pancreatic cancer, much less so.

the last thing many people with cancer want is to be cared for, they want to manage their life as normal as they are able to and certainly don’t want well meaning advice about healthy pressed juices and all that and it’s often a big imposition to even suggest it might be a good idea as it sends a message you think you know their illness better than they do

OP, please ignore all the nasty posters. Some people are deeply horrible and get a kick out of being nasty even if it’s towards people who are clearly upset and who are posting in ‘relationships’ and NOT AIBU. They are pathetic.

As lots of posters have pointed out and as you know yourself you need to end your current relationship. You also need to work out why it’s taken so long. Maybe once you’ve finally got rid of him you can have a think about how and why it happened. Maybe consider getting some therapy from someone with proper qualifications.

It must have been a big shock to hear the news from your ex about his cancer. It’s normal to want to do something about it as you feel so helpless and sorry for them. I think you need to wait and see what you ex wants. He is most likely completely overwhelmed at the moment. He already knows you care as he wouldn’t have called you if not. I’d tell him to let you know if there is anything you can do to help and I’d remind him that you are there if he needs you. He may find having someone to talk to about his cancer that’s outside his immediate family really helpful or he may prefer to have his relationship with you a ‘cancer free’ zone. You just don’t know and you need to let him have control of things. You say you haven’t seen each other in 9 months so I’d be very cautious not to suddenly become too invested especially as you said that when you were dating it could be a turbulent relationship.

Id also be careful not to to talk anymore about holistic or natural help. It’s not the time or place. The fact that you said that “he will accept natural help after the chemo” suggests you’ve already mentioned it to him. Considering that he likely going to be getting shedloads of chemicals and pills pumped into him he may not be wanting to be reminded about how unnatural and brutal his treatment is.

You sound like a good friend. I hope everything goes ok.

He would appreciate the care and respite.
Fingers crossed the chemotherapy is successful.
How will you get rid of your current partner, if he has previously refused to go??

I'm really sorry that you're getting so much shit on here. I think part of it is because people saw you mention chemo and holistic health and assumed that you were anti-chemo. And part of it is that people can be dicks.

I'm interested in holistic health too, and if I or a loved one got a cancer diagnosis I'd be trying to fill them with nutritious wholefoods and helping them lower their stress and to rest whilst also supporting their conventional cancer treatment, too. I usually offer lifts to hospital if their regular driver can't make every single appointment or to give them a break, and that's something that just helps lower the stress burden a little.

From a somatic point of view, I'm sure you are probably already aware of this, but a bad back can be symbolic of needing to stand up and advocate for your own needs more, and I know it's particularly hard when you're dealing with a narcissist. I hope you are in a place where you are able to receive the message that it really is a good idea to deal with getting him out and yourself safely healing from him as your primary priority. That doesn't mean you can't also care about and support your ex, but please don't let that bit distract you from your priority, which is properly banishing your narc. There is another thread at present about somebody who has just done a Claire's law and found out her partner is highly dangerous, and he's not going easily. Please don't downplay to yourself how sticky your narc can be and how much work and energy it's going to take to free yourself of him.

Wishing you all the very best of luck and healing. xxx

Wow! Ignore all the absolutely nasty weirdos who have piled on here. You can Guarantee that they have sad miserable lives.
What you are thinking of doing is a beautifully kind offer especially with your own health concerns. Xx
However, Priority 1 is you.
kick out abusive partner tonight.
bag up his stuff in black bags while he’s out with dog and leave them on the doorstep. Lock all doors and arrange for a locksmith first thing in the morning.
Lots of love and care xxx You can and should do it as he’s unsettling you when he should be your rock xxx

Well I'm sure all the alcohol and takeaways and work stress haven't helped his health. I didn't say it caused his cancer. Where did I say that???????

Doesn't need to be.

Read my posts.

the way you talk about cancer being a failure.

I think you need to leave your current partner. It seems you are conflating looking after your ex with how awful your current partner is.

I would leave your current partner now and then just wait until your ex's chemo is over. Then offer your (hopefully empty of current partner) house as a place for respite.

Maybe this is just all a reminder that you are not suited to your current partner.

Opened myself up for what? A COVID debate? That's not in my OP.

That's your debate to have in a cold dark room by yourself.