I'm a bit stuck now with some bad news...

[JustaGirlTrying]

Hi all.

Maybes a bit of a long post, so I do apologise.

I have just been given bad news by my ex boyfriend that he has cancer. He's only late 40s and we spent over a decade together and we're friends first. It was a bit of a turbulent relationship at times, but we had some good times, made memories and just couldn't deal with the world well, but we don't hold that against each other.

We properly spilt a few years ago, but remained friends and he helped me out a lot when I hurt my back and the most supportive person when my grandad died.

I am now in a new relationship, but it's a relationship I wish I had never gotten into and it's seems very hard to get out of. Hes a much older man, controlling, condescending and just basically won't get out of my life and I've asked him many times to. We do have nice days, but he is very teenage like, very argumentative and always has to be right. Sexually coercive and just a bit of a head do. I don't want to get the police involved and my parents are very close to removing him from house..... Anyways..... That will all be sorted out soon...

My ex and I are amicable, I do care for him and he's a nice lad, helps anyone with anything type of person. Now that I have been told this cancer news I am immediately wanting to help him. I see him for the first time in 9 months tomorrow at the hospital. He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.

He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo. He has a loving mother, he has a daughter I don't know of they are estranged still, and he has a sister he half gets on with. He's well known as a good lad around the area and has nice mates.

In my mind, (maybes it's panic), but I am thinking of asking him when he gets better from chemo if he wants to come and stay with me for a bit (nothing sexual) as I have moved out into the countryside. In my mind I am hoping to help him get his immune system back naturally and show him that it's ok to take time out to heal. He's a massive stickler for working and is constantly employed working hard. I live alone (technically) with our cat we got together 11 years ago.

He never looked after his health and I just feel he deserves a second chance hopefully in life to redeem himself and see a new outlook on life and cherish it. I am no way looking to have a couple relationship with him again, but he is a great friend.

When I found out this morning, I told my current partner (1 year) and he started trying to lecture me about cancer as he thinks I'm thick, and were both holistic so I dont know what he was trying to tell me. I told him I wasn't interested in what he had to say as I know what he was pushing and I shouted at him and he got pissy at me and we haven't spoken since. He's left to take his dog out, not even texted me to see if I'm ok. No emotional support at all.

I'm in bad health myself with my bad back and been in bed depressed all day in tears, having to contact old mutual friends and stuff. I've been helping out with trying to get my ex with pip and stuff like that, get the ball rolling until I see him face to face.

I'm literally sick of my current fella draining me like he does and he has his own place but chooses to live here with all his stuff clogging my house up just being lazy and making excuses.

I feel like my ex deserves my help so much more than this narcissist and maybe he will just leave anyways when he's not getting the attention.

I don't know what I'm writing here, I'm just getting stuff out, but do you think it's unreasonable or weird to ask my ex if he wants to stay on a bed downstairs to try and heal? He's been living with his mam for a year or so and she's getting on mid 70s now and wasn't well herself last year.

Obvs I will wait until I get this current one out of my house first!

Thanks for reading if you did, please go easy on me, I'm not after any negativity.

Blimey OP you’ve had an unnecessarily hard time on here. How anyone has misinterpreted your OP re his treatment and your holistic approach is beyond me.

However, having said that, you’re flying at 100mph in a race that isn’t yours. Your intentions are good, but you have no clue at all about what your friend will need or what is good/best for him. You’re talking of ploughing into a diet and lifestyle that may be very harmful for him. As the cancer has spread to his liver and kidneys, I’m afraid the prognosis doesn’t sound great.

The best you can do is sort your own life out now, first. Let your ex see you settled and in a happy place, that will probably bring him more comfort and happiness than what you’re thinking in your mind.

Use the police to get the creep out, stay with your parents until the dust settles, install security cameras.

"Natural" is an overused word. Lots of pharmacy grade meds are extracted from nature. Lots of "natural" products require extensive processing and are far more concentrated than you'd find in the wild. Poison exits in nature. Naturooathy has been proven to be debunked. Maybe there's the odd helpful thing but it can't cure cancer.

Some health products marketed to cancer patients are incredibly expensive. My coworker wanted some mushroom concentrate that was $500 a jar.

Don't be grieved if your current bf goes off on one when you start meeting with the ex . I find a fair bit half truths suddenly you want ex bf in your life supposedly as a friend to help and suddenly that makes current bf a bad one because he is in your way. And if you need your parents to sort your rubbish out take time to grow up and sort your own rubbish out.

I think you are well-intended, but very naive. The very best you can do for him is to just offer support. His cancer has spread. You are not going to be able to help him heal his gut, or anything else. Please don't discuss anything like that with him. When your place is calm and safe offer it up for a change of scenery and ask him what he wants for food if he visits then give him just that. Best of luck with your home situation. Your current bf sounds like a prick. You deserve better.

3 separate issues here
1- you aren't happy in your relationship. Dump him
2- your ex really doesn't need your opinion on his treatment plan. Lots of holistic treatments Interfere with cancer treatments and put extra strain on organs etc I used to get so angry when all my holistic friends were foisting their advice, supplements etc on me during my treatment. They really had no idea what they were doing , it was all done with love I know but just dont
3- you're missing ing your ex because he's ill and you're unhappy. Don't get those mixed up. You split for a reason
Cancer is a very personal journey. If he wants to work and not rest then that's exactly what he should be doing don't foist your feelings into him. , he has enough to be dealing with

If it's stage 4 he can eat what he enjoys because he won't have much time left. My grandma enjoyed crisps that she had always denied herself. She could have lived longer had she not fallen victim to a snake oil friend who convinced her to try "natural healing" before chemo. Afterwards it was too late.

Op, I know you mean well, and want to repay your ex for all the support he has given you so far. But just to let you know, sugar, in any shape or form is a big no no for cancer, as it feeds it. So cold pressed juices, as healthy as they sound, are not a good choice, not even for a healthy person. I suggest you read a bit more about cancer diets.
Also, having your ex in a bed downstairs, again, not the best choice. Cancer and the treatment in general sucks the life out of you, he may need peace and quiet to recover and not be in your way when he wants a lie down in the middle of the day. The fresh country air and the walks do sound good on the other hand.
If you want to help, offer your support to him and his mom, be it in any way, hospital appts, shopping, etc.
And lastly, and I apologise in advance for being blunt, sort out your life before even opening your mouth about your ex moving in. And have a good think about why you want him there with you, for him to make you feel better and or about you making him feel better. You say your parents are dealing with your current partner and yet your are a fully grown woman.

Don’t you think you are jumping the gun just a touch Op, given your abusive partner is still under your roof going no where fast?

This is not an OP who should be offering “holistic” home care to anyone.

This is an OP who needs to focus squarely on sorting her own mountain of shit out.

I just don’t want him to die like the others

And so you think you waving a carrot at him is going to prevent that?

Op, in the nicest possible way, given his age(it spreads faster in younger people)and the fact that is stage 4, as it has spread to the liver(and kidneys) but mainly to the liver, it is a matter of how long.

Just be there for him, be positive and supportive. The chemo at this stage is just to slow it down. 😥

OP, I'm glad you've explained what you meant about helping your friend 'holistically'. And it's lovely you want to support him. You really do need to get rid of your horrible boyfriend first, though! And take care of yourself, too. Then you'll be in a better position to offer him what he might need.

Sugar doesn't feed cancer, by the way, as a PP has said. That's one of those statements that's bandied around a lot.

Hardly close, given you haven’t seen one another for 9 months

Sorry are you suggesting that your ex partner wouldn’t have got cancer if you still lived together because he was healthy then? Way to victim blame!

for someone who used to have a healthy lifestyle and no cancer when we were together.

no words

Clearly not, rtft.

for someone who used to have a healthy lifestyle and no cancer when we were together.

Definite inference

Your heart is in the right place, but in many of your posts you are phrasing things rather clumsily, are defensive and also admitting you have little knowledge of cancer treatments/outcomes etc. It is a vast and complex topic. Leave nutrition, daily care, management to the specialists.

Keep your well meaning (but possibly misguided) advice to yourself. Don’t jump into making grand gestures. Sit back, breathe and accept the situation without jumping in. Your friend has an unimaginable journey ahead of him. It’s his journey, not yours. Until the medics have a full diagnosis and treatment plan, he’s in limbo. You need to be there to support in whatever way he needs and wants. Not in the way you imagine you would want in the same situation.

Try to sort your own personal life out immediately. One less thing on your mind. It’s obviously instinctive for you to jump in to ‘help’, but it’s a deflection from your own pressing issues.

this. I have cared for two cancer sufferers and definitely this.

Do not, under any circumstances, persuade him to follow your holistic bullshit. Do not stop his chemo. In-fact, stay out of his life.

Does anyone read the thread, even the OP's replies. It's very helpful to avoid joining the echo chamber.

My FIL was diagnosed stage 4 bowel cancer at aged 65, he had an operation to remove part of bowel, had a temporary bag for 6 months,was very ill after hooked up to so many machines but came home about 10 days later. He had radiotherapy every 2 weeks for a few months and made a full recovery and lived till he was 88. My FIL was very independent, wouldn’t let it t stop doing the things he loved, still carried on working as a volunteer, went dancing 3 times a week. He would have radiotherapy on a Monday, stay in bed Tuesday, Wednesday a lot better, Thursday onwards he was he is usual self. Unfortunately the colostomy bag was hard work and once it was removed his bowels were never the same, lots of food triggered his bowels, so if you can find a diet that can help your friend for this that would be great, but we never did.

Yes read them

and with each one that passes it becomes even more clear that this is someone who needs to very very much sort herself out first

same here. As @Lennonjingles has said, with cancer of some kinds, diet is also something that is not as easy as "eat healthily" as defined by what is usually thought of as a healthy diet. There may also be issues with his staying with you in terms of access to his hospital and GP care.