Punching walls - should I stay?

[almostalwayslaura]

My partner can’t handle my daughter’s behaviour. She has been an extremely difficult and demanding child her whole life. We went to see a psychologist with her recently and he said he thinks she is probably autistic with pda traits.

she doesn’t listen or go to bed when she’s told - her attitude and disregard to us is getting worse as she gets older (now 11) and after about an hour he gets fed up and punches a wall, smashes the tv, throws something at the wall. It is distressing. I have let it slide so many times because I know how difficult she is, I feel it - I cry about it regularly in private but tonight he scared me with his outburst after an hour and a half battling with her to shower and go to bed.

thing thing is, he is a brilliant dad and partner 9/10 - just when she gets into this mood there is no diffusing it and he gets frustrated but should i be allowing this? I love him and my family so much but even I was scared tonight. Any advice would be helpful.

He is not a brilliant dad. And no, you should absolutely NOT be allowing it.

What in any way shape or form is he a ‘brilliant dad’?

You absolutely need to leave, for your sake and for your daughter.

I’m sorry because it sounds like a very difficult situation with your daughter but I’m concerned for both your safety, would he leave do you think?

That's not the behaviour of a brilliant Dad.

I would not be surprised if your daughter’s behaviours were symptoms of her deep anxieties, and a direct result of her father’s violent temper.

And what happens when he runs out of walls and tvs? And why do you expect your 11 year old to have better self control than her fully adult father?

Wtf of course you dont allow it?!?! How does it help? You now have two emotionally immature people to deal with.

If you're scared, imagine how it feels for your daughter.

Does he behave like this at work? I bet not because he knows he can't get away with it.

No, you don't let it slide. He needs counselling to learn to control his temper and self regulate. Until he does that, you and your DD are not safe physically or emotionally.

It will be you or your daughter he takes out his frustrations on next. This is not healthy for your daughter or you. I suspect there's a lot else she witnesses and that's why she has behaviour problems. Get the pair of you away from this "man" pronto. He is not a good dad.

Of course you don’t stay with your violent, abusive partner. You leave and take your child with you to protect her.

Please leave or get him to leave. His emotional regulation will not improve if he has already made it to adulthood and it's this bad. Your daughter still has time to learn to manage hers. Parenting an autistic child is demanding, stressful and challenging. Parenting an autistic partner with this level of dysregulation who cannot cope with your autistic daughter will break you and her. She needs a super calm home to stand a chance at growing up and living a good adult life.

If he can’t take himself off for a walk to calm down instead of punching things then call it a day. This man is a poor role model and adding to stresses.

Why would you like his violence slide? Today its a wall, tomorrow it could be your face. Having your daughter live in fear is no life for her. Get rid before he gets worse.

How can you expect your DD to regulate her behaviour if the adults around her can’t

FFS

You need to leave him.

Protect your child. And yourself.

Gwt your ducks in a row and take your child to safety. He cannot control himself. A child shouldn’t be around that

@almostalwayslaura he’s punching walls and smashing things, one day that could be your face or your daughters.

He needs to get help, if he refuses then he needs to leave, you cannot go on like this.

Has he literally smashed up the TV ?

Didn’t read your post just your title, please @almostalwayslaura you know already what the answer is

'Brilliant' dads don't punch walls and smash tvs. If he can't regulate his emotions as an adult he's not a great role model.

Exactly this.

Feeling unquestionably safe, never frightened of your partner, is a very basic baseline for a good relationship. It should be a given, not something to be compromised ever.

Having a child with pda is difficult; but there is lots of support and information about how to manage them and yourselves. It needs education, care and empathy, many different techniques that aren’t mainstream or how we were shown how to parent.

He needs to commit to learning with you how to help your daughter, not being violent! If he can’t see that simple fact for himself then no, you are not safe.

Er no that’s not normal behaviour and not healthy for you or the kids. He needs help.