Punching walls - should I stay?

[almostalwayslaura]

My partner can’t handle my daughter’s behaviour. She has been an extremely difficult and demanding child her whole life. We went to see a psychologist with her recently and he said he thinks she is probably autistic with pda traits.

she doesn’t listen or go to bed when she’s told - her attitude and disregard to us is getting worse as she gets older (now 11) and after about an hour he gets fed up and punches a wall, smashes the tv, throws something at the wall. It is distressing. I have let it slide so many times because I know how difficult she is, I feel it - I cry about it regularly in private but tonight he scared me with his outburst after an hour and a half battling with her to shower and go to bed.

thing thing is, he is a brilliant dad and partner 9/10 - just when she gets into this mood there is no diffusing it and he gets frustrated but should i be allowing this? I love him and my family so much but even I was scared tonight. Any advice would be helpful.

Op my husband was nice 99% of the time too. The 1% is enough to have your daughter living in fear 100% of the time. She doesn’t know the minute he’ll kick off, she may even start to provoke him as it takes the unbearable anticipation away. I could literally have written your post word for word when my dd was your dds age and she has paid dearly for my failure to protect her quickly enough. Constantly weighing up the pros and cons of staying or going. Mark my words how damaging this behaviour is and I would give up any job, house, car, money, anything to make her debilitating anxiety go away. It’s ruined her life and her childhood.

thing thing is, he is a brilliant dad and partner 9/10

No he really isn't. Open your eyes! You need to wake up and smell the coffee.

He is not a ‘brilliant dad and partner’. He’s a dreadful person to have in the house where a child is growing up. I can’t imagine how scary his behaviour must be for an adult, let alone a child.

OP, if you let your child be repeatedly exposed to this, I can’t help but think you’re not putting her first. It is undoubtedly doing her untold psychological damage. I wouldn’t have him in the house.

If he is shouting and smashing things he is escalating the situation and giving your child a bad example. You can’t expect the child to calmly go to sleep when she gets that type of reaction for acting up. With kids all attention good or bad is something to look for so if you react big she will react big.

My child refuses sleep and drives us absolutely mad - my partner comes downstairs and has some massive rants to me about it and has on occasion gotten frustrated which does escalate things - he has never shouted or punched anything, that must be scary for your child. We usually once she has had stories and has been put down for the night we will just pretend she is asleep even though we can hear her jumping about and every 5 minutes she sticks her head out to say she is going to the bathroom. They are not young forever but how we react will stay with them for life.

you are using the fact that you are scared about how you will manage financially to stop you doing the right thing and leave a violent man

talk to someone like womens aid - get real help and advice

”it’s not every night” that’s so sad - at this stage even if it was every night I feel you would excuse it

it’s only going to get worse. Act now.

He should find a therapist. Not “anger management”

I’ve done it twice. Each time some 10% of people leave before the end of the course. It’s definitely not a cult - I’ve not become a Buddhist or whatever, I am free to go back at whichever interval I want, or not go back at all. You pay for the course after you completed it, i.e. effectively prepay towards future students, no specific amounts are indicated or expected - you can literally contribute a tenner if you are skint. After 2 days you haven’t even been introduced to the core meditation technique. And as for depressed - yes aren’t we all affected by general human misery?

But returning to the original topic, this was the only thing that helped me, years after leaving an abusive relationship, to finally feel calm and in control (read - no pulse off the scales, body spasms, panic attacks) when talking to my ex. If OP’s husband’s behaviour is triggered by very specific scenarios and he genuinely recognises that the problem is with him (I.e. it’s me who gets triggered, not it’s her who is triggering me) then I would say there’s hope.