Punching walls - should I stay?

[almostalwayslaura]

My partner can’t handle my daughter’s behaviour. She has been an extremely difficult and demanding child her whole life. We went to see a psychologist with her recently and he said he thinks she is probably autistic with pda traits.

she doesn’t listen or go to bed when she’s told - her attitude and disregard to us is getting worse as she gets older (now 11) and after about an hour he gets fed up and punches a wall, smashes the tv, throws something at the wall. It is distressing. I have let it slide so many times because I know how difficult she is, I feel it - I cry about it regularly in private but tonight he scared me with his outburst after an hour and a half battling with her to shower and go to bed.

thing thing is, he is a brilliant dad and partner 9/10 - just when she gets into this mood there is no diffusing it and he gets frustrated but should i be allowing this? I love him and my family so much but even I was scared tonight. Any advice would be helpful.

Imagine how scared that a child with autism is going to be watching a man punch walls and destroy TVs. He always could choose to walk away and calm down. He doesn’t make the rational choice.

He chooses violence.

You need to leave.

What does he say about it?

The issue with this behaviour is that one day it won’t be a wall or a TV.

Your poor child.
He is not her dad.
He is a violent abusive boyfriend you have inflicted on your child.
Get him out and put your child first.

By the fact you say ‘my daughter’ I presume he’s not her father?

But no you don’t allow this regardless of whether he is or isn’t. And I agree with PP that if she’s grown up seeing violence in her home, it will have affected her outbursts.

She probably inherited her neurodivergence and PDA from him.

And if he can't control his own meltdowns, then how is a child supposed to be able to be better at it than he is?

And sometime soon, that target on the end of his enraged fist ...

... will be your little girl's face.

Have we got your attention? You and your child are in danger. You have a duty.

It’s a small step between punching walls and punching you next

What is the situation re the finances and property?

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. What you’re also describing here re him is domestic violence. You need to protect your child who is also seeing all this at first hand and get this man out of your day to day life. Abusers are not nasty all the time but their nice and nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one. You have a choice re him and your child does not. Make better choices now re both you and your daughter . It’s over between you and he in any case and am courses are no answer to domestic violence.

And you should be seeing a developmental paediatrician rather than a pysch for your daughter, gp can refer.

I doubt very much this man is himself neurodivergent and is your common or garden abuser instead.

“Even you” were scared tonight.
Who Is normally scared? Just your daughter maybe?

put your daughter first - he is not safe.

He is not a brilliant dad and you should not be allowing it. She is learning how relationships work from you both-do you want her thinking this is normal?

The answer to your question is, 'NO.'
I cannot comprehend why you even have to ask. Your daughter is being abused and either he should go immediately or you take your daughter to a place of safety. Your life may still be difficult but I guarantee it will be better than this.

Going by ‘my partner and my daughter’ and ‘I love him and my family’ I’m assuming he’s not the child’s father, but then you say ‘he’s a good dad 9/10’

Can you clarify, @almostalwayslaura ? You need to get this violent man out of your lives quickly and safely. If he’s not your daughter’s father, that will be much easier.

I’m consistently shocked by things women here will put up with. This is so horrifying. Your daughter is probably acting out because of it. Is he her father?

God OP who wants a man who punches valuable objects. Is that want you want for yourself? Is that the standard you want to set for your DD? It doesn’t take much to not be violent. You deserve better

Hi all, thank you for all agreeing on the same outcome.

he is her father and I have given him ultimatum before that he needed to attend anger management or he would be out. He did attend but like the psychology appointments for my daughter - it didn’t help.

finance wise, he earns a lot more than I do and leaving would mean giving up our house, car and life. I don’t even know where to start, I have no support or help and nowhere to go in interim.
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Anger support for your partner. It’s reasonable to encourage him to get help.
But therapy is not a substitute for keeping you and your child safe now.

No.

XH started punching walls. Then it was my turn.

You have to get away from him, he’s dangerous. 💐

Have you asked for a social care assessment from the council? You might be able to get some reapite so that you and your partner can have some time together. They can also help you access support for mental health stuff too.

I agree wirh others that he shouldn't be hitting things but I also know how hard having a disabled child is and I do think you need more help. Do you think he could be suffering from trauma? Ptsd can lead to unexpected "fight, flight or freeze" response. Could it be that?

He’s a shit partner and shittier dad kick him out or leave asap. He’s using violence, your dad is probably scared shitless

Your house and car are more important than your child's life? Or your own?

Men who cannot handle their emotions are a danger to women and children.

Focus.

Life is more important than lifestyle.

Who owns / rents the house?

Do you have family and friends you could go to?

Have you or he been assessed to see if you're ND? It's genetic.

Start with contacting Women's Aid.

And look at your financial situation - is it possible to increase your hours if you're part time, or discreetly start looking for better paid work?

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

Do you think your daughter's issues might be lesser if she lived in a consistently calm, quiet, supportive, kind home?
In itself, that should be sufficient to make the changes, however tricky.

My exH did this. My kids are all ND with one autistic and PDA. He was violent for years because his dad was and it was "what adults did". He is wracked with guilt as an adult for this.

It damaged my children. The shouting, punching walls, doors. The threats, the fear, the regime of fear.

My children are permanently damaged because I was unable to leave. If you can leave, do so.

Brilliant Dads and partners don’t punch walls in the family home and make people terrified and walk on egg shells.

We own our house, car and and he pays all the bills. My part-time wage pays for food shopping. If I leave I have nothing.

I am not trying to minimise the situation however we have a nice life 99% of the time - it just when she has these episodes which isn’t every night. He can’t handle it and openly admitted this to the psychologist. My daughter is an absolute daddy’s girl and would never understand until she is older why I would be taking her away.

It doesn’t always escalate and especially in this kind of situation where there is a clear trigger for his behaviour . I think what might help is family therapy asap and support with OP dd. I say this as someone who has struggled with pmdd and I have my triggers and will sometimes smash an object but it never escalates from that it’s pure frustration

Can he recognise before getting to that stage? Could he go for a walk for 10 mins to calm down before losing his temper ?