Punching walls - should I stay?

[almostalwayslaura]

My partner can’t handle my daughter’s behaviour. She has been an extremely difficult and demanding child her whole life. We went to see a psychologist with her recently and he said he thinks she is probably autistic with pda traits.

she doesn’t listen or go to bed when she’s told - her attitude and disregard to us is getting worse as she gets older (now 11) and after about an hour he gets fed up and punches a wall, smashes the tv, throws something at the wall. It is distressing. I have let it slide so many times because I know how difficult she is, I feel it - I cry about it regularly in private but tonight he scared me with his outburst after an hour and a half battling with her to shower and go to bed.

thing thing is, he is a brilliant dad and partner 9/10 - just when she gets into this mood there is no diffusing it and he gets frustrated but should i be allowing this? I love him and my family so much but even I was scared tonight. Any advice would be helpful.

Unfortunately parenting a PDA child means throwing out the book of parenting. It's a low demand, low arousal, what looks like pandering to the rest of the world. It can strain the strongest of relationships.

You both need to seek guidance on how to parent a PDA kid. There are Facebook groups and other resources. You both need to cram and get on the same page or you'll have to split. This environment won't be helping.

My DH loses it often with our 15 year old autistic son who can be very provocative. I always tell him to go to another room and let me deal with it. I rather deal with it myself immediately than having conflicts escalated and then having to deal with it anyway. I have told him he needs help to control his anger but he says he doesn't have the time to see a psychologist 🙄. I'm never afraid of him, just angry and tired that he can't stay calm when staying calm is the only thing that helps when DS is in a state.

@almostalwayslaura Sorry, forgot to add: can you tell your dh that he needs to go to another room while you deal with dd?

I wonder who she learned her behaviour from!

Sounds like ND and getting overwhelmed/overstimulated it’s often genetic .

Ffs woman raise your standards. This is abusive behaviour and extremely damaging to your child.

He needs to go. Now.

If you stay, what do you genuinely believe the outcome for your daughter will be?

Well the child can’t learn control if he can’t demonstrate it can she ?

This.

Brilliant Dad's don't punch the walls and make a difficult situation frightening and desperate.

No, it is unacceptable. You need to leave.

No you shouldn't stay. You're scared of him.

No he's in no way shape or form a 'brilliant dad'.

As PP have said, you may see a marked improvement if her volatile Dad isn't around.

She's probably in a permanent state of high anxiety, as I'd imagine you are too.

I think he should leave until he can learn how to control his temper. Its terrifying for a child to witness violence, I have CPTSD because of the violence in my home growing up and still suffer with it now in my 60's. It's blighted my life and I still have night terrors because of it.
No dad that does that to a person is "brilliant".
If he feels angry why isn't he leaving the home and going for a long walk, why is he smashing up the house?
Im sorry but it isn't acceptable.

You're making excuses already.

Counselling didn't work because he hasn't got an anger management problem & if he did that's not an excuse to act the way you describe.

I guarantee he manages to keep that temper in his high earning role.
So he absolutely CAN keep his temper when he wants to & he CHOSES to smash TVs around you & your DD instead of being the adult & walking away.
He's not even trying to do better.

You've got employment, you'd get half the house, you could claim benefits. Yes it would be hard but nobody would be smashing shit up in front of a child.

You’ve already been subject to a tonne of gaslighting to be viewing him as brilliant. Do all brilliant dads punch holes in walls? Are terrible dads just punching more/bigger holes in walls? See how words are starting to mean less and less? My partner has never punched anything or become aggressive when frustrated. And he’s on the same level as your partner?

Your partners epistemic abuse has made it very hard for you to see edges and lines. He’s blurred everything. I suspect confusion and fear are common mental states for you, and your dd

Leave! Even it's just with the clothes on your back. You're setting your daughter up to see and accept domestic violence. So in a few years when she gets a battering from her boyfriend she'll just see it as the norm and the cycle continues

He is awful and not a good dad, sounds like you don’t like orienting your child so won’t see how bad he is.

My dd17 is currently so traumatised by such a brilliant dad that she doesn’t leave the house. I left when she was 13 and it was too late. Go now and she may have a chance. Sounds a very similar situation to mine and he started treating her like this intermittently from about 11. He’s a pig and you need to get her away from him asap

I am surprised at the uniform ‘leave’ message and the number of assumptions made, based on OP’s relatively brief description. Years and years of dealing with a difficult child are not to be underestimated. For me, the main marker would be whether DH recognises his behaviour as problematic and is prepared to work on it. Anger works at the level of primordial ‘lizard’ brain and that’s why a lot of conventional western therapies don’t work, they are just too much focused on rationalising. If I were to give advice, please look up 10-day meditation courses offered by Vipassana Trust UK. Solid technique, no proselytising, no crookery, and rewires a brain almost at the level of temperament. Costs as much as you are prepared to pay. But physically and mentally demanding, so requires serious commitment. Good luck!

I like the analogy that we all have a certain number of pennies to spend before we get overwhelmed and our lizard brain takes over our thinking brain and we fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Some of us have more to spend than others, and it varies day to day. For most neuro typical (non abusive) adults we normally have enough every day (but not always), and can emotionally regulate, even during something stressful or challenging.

Kids and especially ND kids have far fewer 'to spend'. If he's ND himself (likely as ND is genetic), he may have fewer too. But:

1. He's making her spend hers far more quickly by behaving this way and causing anxiety and upset. A PDA parenting approach to lower demand and anxiety is needed so hers go further. He needs to see her outbursts as panic attacks outside of her control and feel compassion tiward them, not frustration or anger, when shes overwhelmed (easier said than done if shes shouting, throwing or hitting i know).
2. There's no excuse for violence ever, and even shouting should be rare, even if he's ND himself (its still abusive whether he's ND himself or not). He needs to see this and get help. Or else you need to leave - set this boundary and stick to it.... Developing self awareness that his own pennies may almost be spent may be difficult if he is ND, but he needs to learn to spot its coming and then take himself for a walk or outside BEFORE overwhelm hits him.

He’s abusive. End of.

You need to up your working hours and get the fuck out. No wonder your daughter is acting out when she has witnessed such violent outbursts.

If you don't leave, then you are complicit in his continued abuse of your child.

Sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth.

Thank you. I am also surprised at every comment basically saying ‘leave now!’

it’s not bad all the time, this happens maybe every couple of months or so. The last time, he did anger management/counselling but found it very unhelpful.

we will sit on waiting lists to help our daughter but both have very little left to spend, dreading bed time or something she doesn’t want to do equalling a kick off.

Every two months?! No this should not be minimised. This is reason to end the relationship in order to keep your child safe, and you too.

I started a vipassana course and it was awful. Left after a couple of days.

Felt like being in a cult full of depressed people!

He’s either part of the solution or part of the problem, he can’t be both and his aggression is very much part of the problem.

Hopefully you and your daughter can access the support you need but your partner’s aggression is not ok.