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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left me due to his mental health

116 replies

Woos0093 · 16/09/2025 06:40

I’m looking for advice, me and my husband have a 3 month old baby and last week he decided to leave me. He’s saying nothings my fault and he just wants to be alone because he is in a black hole. He’s saying he’s no good for me and has failed us, and can’t be in a relationship because he can’t love or be loved right now. I’ve tried to be supportive and stand by him but he keeps pushing me away and keeps saying he needs to be alone but still wants to help in anyway he can with the baby. Alone for how long? Do I wait for him? Do I continue offering my support when he clearly doesn’t want it? I can’t see my life without him and it’s killing me and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
WatchingTheDetective · 16/09/2025 13:22

I always believe everything he says

That is a huge mistake to make, OP.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/09/2025 13:44

I’m so sorry op I was dumped before my baby was born as I was too stressful to be around and he needed to leave for his own mental health apparently. Didn’t take long for him to find a ‘new’ girlfriend (although I have no proof of affair)

focus on your baby and let everyone help you. Don’t let him off the hook with helping with baby things. He needs to pick up babies laundry and return to you the next day. He needs to go to boots and deliver things for baby when needed. Etc etc. if he says no have a record of him disengaging in text. I would also set up a new email and use this for everything to do with visiting baby etc, not text. It’ll be easily to have all evidence in one place if he goes to court at any point.
register with child maintenance. Don’t allow him in and out of the house as he pleases, he needs to collect all his belongings tomorrow.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/09/2025 13:45

I would also get him to explain to you in writing exactly what is going on with his mental health, what are things like for him how bad is it etc. get the proof you may need later that he may not be a safe parent

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/09/2025 13:47

Woos0093 · 16/09/2025 10:03

he had gone out the night before with his work friends and had lied to me about where he was as he was late home. I saw on find my that he was at this girls house and confronted him and after telling me someone else (male) was drunk and he was walking them home. Turns out it was this girl who I’ve been talking about and he took her home. He said he would do it for anyone and would make the same choice again. I believed him and chose to continue to think he was being kind. The very next day is when he bumped into her when he popped to the shops. He came home and never told me about it not realising he had been spotted. That’s why it’s suspicious.
he is still working and came to look after the baby but only had him for an hour and half before dropping him back so he could go watch football with his friends. I don’t see how if you need to be alone you can still work and see your friends but don’t want to be at home with his wife and baby. That’s why I’m asking for advice. I always believe everything he says but I’m starting to think he’s pulling the wool over my eyes. So I thank you all for your opinions. It definitely helps.

I think he’s up to no good but even if any of that was true, he’s clearly a shit father and partner

ComfortFoodCafe · 16/09/2025 13:48

So he never believed in mental health then gets spotted with a woman? And suddenly he has mental health?
Clearly having an affair; and using the mental health card here. Divorce him & take everything you can get from the bastard.

Maireadsmisery · 16/09/2025 13:48

I have had a difficult time with my husband. I caught him out sexting someone a year and a half ago. Then I discovered that he had also been messaging another female ‘friend’ who claimed that she was in love with him. Both confirmed they were not sleeping together. I have recently found out they are messaging again but neither are revealing what is going on, my husband maintains that him telling me they are just friends is sufficient info and that i have no right to be suspicious. I disagreed so I have moved out. He has been suffering for a long time with his mental health and has self harmed. should I help from
afar, try tonpatch things up or just move on?

stayathomer · 16/09/2025 13:57

It could be either op, pregnancy and a new baby is so tough and maybe it all happened as he said or it could be an affair. Just look after yourself and your baby and best of luck x

stayathomer · 16/09/2025 13:58

Maireadsmisery

If you start up a new thread I’d say people can help more. Hope it gets easier for you x

Maireadsmisery · 16/09/2025 14:21

Thanks x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/09/2025 14:26

OP, hope you are claiming maintenance for baby and that Child Benefit goes into your account, regardless of tax advantages to him .

What is your MIL like? Is she the friendly helpful type? Hasn't she been in touch about the baby at all? Do they live nearby? Could she be getting fed up of having him move in?

I'd be phoning her, purely out of "concern" for his mental health. I'd let her know about your family spotting him out with another woman and him having mental health symptoms because he's worried about what they think.

At the same time I'd be cross checking with her that he's actually staying there and whether he is able to distract/cheer himself up by seeing friends etc

You might pick up some more info about what is really going on.

I'm not sure I'd want such a "hands on" father taking a 3 month old out of the house in the evening.

Hurryuphumphreygeorgeiswaiting · 16/09/2025 14:29

You deserve better OP. His head has turned but using the MH script. Please look after yourself and your baby. Glad your DM is coming over to stay.

JadziaD · 16/09/2025 14:32

So his m ental health risis has been precipitated by your family suspecting him of having an affair. Oh the poor little sweet man. How will he survive.

He's a man child. May or may not be having an affair but he 100% is thinking about it if he's not. He's also clearly just not interested in actually beeing a parent or partner. Wanting to be there for the baby isn't looking after him for 90 minutes before football.

I bet this is the tip of the iceberg. I imagine he's never helped at nights. Has been on regular nights out/football/etc sicne baby was born. Was he complaining about lack of sex of affection from you in pregnancy/post childbirth? I bet you he's never done cooking/cleaning etc and now he probably doesn't like it if its not being done to the standard of before or if you're asking for more.

Sorry OP, b ut I suspect he's been deceiving you and lying to you about all kinds of things fo ryears.

Katiesaidthat · 16/09/2025 14:46

MrTiddlesTheCat · 16/09/2025 10:48

He may well be struggling with his mental health. The mental strain of betraying your spouse, trying to keep it secret, thinking you've been found out, and knowing everyone knows you're a cheating scumbag is bound to take its toll.

I need the laughing emoji back. So apt.
Actually, I know of one guy who proposed to another woman while his wife was busy giving birth. The poor woman doesn´t know. He caught us, a group of women, staring at him from 3 tables away, we just watched him squirm. He wasn´t laughing then.
My husband has been battling depression and anxiety due to bad health. The first thing that went was seeing/messaging his friends and having any interest for his beloved football club and that dead look in his eyes, once you see it, you can´t unsee it. Sounds nothing like this guy.
I hope the OP can free herself from this pos and doesn´t let him gaslight her. New motherhood should be a time to remember fondly, not marred by someone so disrespectful

Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 16/09/2025 15:47

He’s cheating. Let him know he’s an embarrassing cliche of a man trying to play the mental health card.

It’s so textbook.

I am so sorry this is happening to you at a time where all of the support and care should be coming your way. Honestly I’m angry for you!

C8H10N4O2 · 16/09/2025 15:58

Woos0093 · 16/09/2025 10:03

he had gone out the night before with his work friends and had lied to me about where he was as he was late home. I saw on find my that he was at this girls house and confronted him and after telling me someone else (male) was drunk and he was walking them home. Turns out it was this girl who I’ve been talking about and he took her home. He said he would do it for anyone and would make the same choice again. I believed him and chose to continue to think he was being kind. The very next day is when he bumped into her when he popped to the shops. He came home and never told me about it not realising he had been spotted. That’s why it’s suspicious.
he is still working and came to look after the baby but only had him for an hour and half before dropping him back so he could go watch football with his friends. I don’t see how if you need to be alone you can still work and see your friends but don’t want to be at home with his wife and baby. That’s why I’m asking for advice. I always believe everything he says but I’m starting to think he’s pulling the wool over my eyes. So I thank you all for your opinions. It definitely helps.

Well he may or may not may not be having an affair and may or may not be following the script but he is definitely yet another immature dick who expects his bachelor or pre child lifestyle to continue unchanged. Going back to his mother would be consistent with this.

As for coming for an hour to “look after” the baby. You mean deigning to find an hour to spend with his own child? What actual “looking after” was he doing?

He’s a parent, he needs to grow the fuck up and acknowledge that parenting responsibilities mean that for a while at least his social life will have limits.

18kplastic · 16/09/2025 17:35

Woos0093 · 16/09/2025 06:52

Never had problems with his mental health, he always told me he didn’t believe in depression and anxiety which I thought was weird.

As a dad myself and has clinical depression for 15 years plus, I had issues with my partner post birth but i stayed because the child was both our job 50/50 to help with, I cannot not even imagine.

So if you were not present, would he just dump the baby? All the sudden he can't be loved?

Cut your losses

Dery · 16/09/2025 18:03

“ForWildLemon · Today 12:32

It sounds as though he’s not adjusting to the demands of parenting a new baby, and he wants a more single life. Whether that also involves another woman or not who can tell, bur sounds like he rather you did most of the parenting and he can spend some time with the baby around a more single lifestyle.”

This with bells on.

Becoming a father really sorts the men from the boys. Unfortunately, it looks like he’s a boy.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/09/2025 20:14

LovingLimePeer · 16/09/2025 10:03

No, I have a problem with people on here jumping to conclusions. It is possible to be depressed and talk to a woman without it meaning you're having an affair.

Show quote history

Read OP's latest post. He isn't depressed. He's going to work, he's going on nights out, he's going to his female colleague's house and he's going to watch football with his mates. He's obviously having an affair.

LadyGAgain · 16/09/2025 22:53

Oh do stop preying on vulnerable people. REPORTED.

Hollietree · 18/09/2025 10:01

Woos0093 · 16/09/2025 10:03

he had gone out the night before with his work friends and had lied to me about where he was as he was late home. I saw on find my that he was at this girls house and confronted him and after telling me someone else (male) was drunk and he was walking them home. Turns out it was this girl who I’ve been talking about and he took her home. He said he would do it for anyone and would make the same choice again. I believed him and chose to continue to think he was being kind. The very next day is when he bumped into her when he popped to the shops. He came home and never told me about it not realising he had been spotted. That’s why it’s suspicious.
he is still working and came to look after the baby but only had him for an hour and half before dropping him back so he could go watch football with his friends. I don’t see how if you need to be alone you can still work and see your friends but don’t want to be at home with his wife and baby. That’s why I’m asking for advice. I always believe everything he says but I’m starting to think he’s pulling the wool over my eyes. So I thank you all for your opinions. It definitely helps.

He’s not too depressed to work.
He’s not too depressed to go on a work night out.
He’s not too depressed to watch football with his pals.
He’s not too depressed to walk home a female colleague.

But apparently he’s only too depressed to live in the same house as his wife and look after his own baby.

Depression is not selective like this. It affects all areas of your life.

It is a convenient story to make him look like the victim, make you feel sorry for him, make everyone go easier on him when he walks away from the marriage and tiny baby. It’s so cliche, they nearly always say this.

Prioritise you and the baby. What is your living situation? Do you have a job after maternity leave? Is “D”H providinv you with money right now? Concentrate on making sure you and baby have security going forwards.

ForgetMeNotRose · 18/09/2025 10:07

I wouldn't be waiting for this guy, and I certainly wouldn't be taking him back. I'd be putting in boundaries, now.

This is a guy who has time to spend with another woman but abandons the mother of his child and 3 month old baby.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Thelankyone · 18/09/2025 10:27

I’m sorry op, I think you know deep down, he’s left as he doesn’t wish the responsibility of a baby and wants to live the single life and is seeing this woman, he’s using mental health so he doesn’t have to say the real reason out loud. As “I left my wife and new born as I prefer chasing women , shagging round, having no responsibilities and being single” is as shameful as it gets. His time with the child will become more limited to suit round his social life until you agree custody.

Original poster
Woos0093 · 25/09/2025 19:20

Well you was all right. There was another women he’s left me for.
thanks for all your replies, he would have continued lying through his teeth if I didn’t pull him up.

OP posts:
CabbageWater · 25/09/2025 19:30

I'm so so sorry OP. I wish it wasn't, but this is sooooo boringly, depressingly, infuriatingly common 😪