Husband left me due to his mental health

[Woos0093]

I’m looking for advice, me and my husband have a 3 month old baby and last week he decided to leave me. He’s saying nothings my fault and he just wants to be alone because he is in a black hole. He’s saying he’s no good for me and has failed us, and can’t be in a relationship because he can’t love or be loved right now. I’ve tried to be supportive and stand by him but he keeps pushing me away and keeps saying he needs to be alone but still wants to help in anyway he can with the baby. Alone for how long? Do I wait for him? Do I continue offering my support when he clearly doesn’t want it? I can’t see my life without him and it’s killing me and I don’t know what to do.

He sounds like he’s told a lot of lies. Stop believing the lies he tells you and trust your gut. This all seems to stem from him having been caught out lying in relation to a girl and his MH crisis all relates to this. Your family think he’s having an affair. He cries MH. But like you say he is perfectly capable of still working and seeing friends - just can’t see his wife and baby…? That simply isn’t MH. It’s a man checking out of his wife and family.
He’s almost certainly started something up with this girl. I’m glad you have family support.
Is he still paying towards house and baby?

So he’s involved with this woman and has got cold feet. If he’s not sleeping with her already he will be soon. Sorry op how awful. But you will be fine, us mums always are in the end

And the more the OP posts, does it really feel like jumping to conclusions? Or like she's right to be feeling like he's pulled the wool over her eyes and is lying. He's so depressed he's still working and watching football with his mates and going back late at night to the house of the same woman he 'bumped into'. Even the clinical psychologist on here doesn't deem this anything like depression. Dismissing women's instincts about men's shitty behaviour is how they get away with it so long. Hopefully OP won't waste any more of her energy on trying to support this PoS and can focus on getting support for herself to get through this.

If he can fuck off to the pub with his friends to watch football, he doesn't have any MH issues!!

Just another selfish man, having an affair, and leaving his wife and baby at home so he can live the high life.

I saw on find my that he was at this girls house and confronted him and after telling me someone else (male) was drunk and he was walking them home. Turns out it was this girl who I’ve been talking about and he took her home.

The very next day is when he bumped into her when he popped to the shops.

What a coincidence 🙄

he is still working and came to look after the baby but only had him for an hour and half before dropping him back so he could go watch football with his friends.

Says it all. Especially the wording "came to look after the baby".

Reading your update OP, it really doesn't sound like a MH crisis at all. If he's perfectly capable of working and socialising, then he's not depressed. He's lied to you regarding this woman. He went to her home to supposedly take her home after a works night out - yes could be perfectly innocent. Why didn't he tell you? Bumping into said woman, whilst out at the shops, yes, again could have been accidental. However, why didn't he tell you?! He didn't know he'd been seen, and why would your family automatically think 'he's having an affair'?! Most people don't look at two people of the opposite sex, having a conversation in the street and immediately think they're having an affair!!! He's projecting the fact he is most likely having an affair, back onto your family. Trying to deflect, by using the MH card, and making you feel bad for him. I would seek legal advice, even if you don't do anything with it at the moment. Gather as much financial information as you can. Use the time your Mum is staying to get your 'ducks in a row'.

He doesn’t want the hard work of a 3 month old baby! And sounds like there is someone else.

He may well be struggling with his mental health. The mental strain of betraying your spouse, trying to keep it secret, thinking you've been found out, and knowing everyone knows you're a cheating scumbag is bound to take its toll.

Won't someone please think of the men?!

Yes, bullshit.

This mummy's boy probably realised that while you were busy creating a whole new human your attention wasn't fully on him, and he started looking around for a replacement. He panicked when he was spotted and this was the result.

If he is genuinely unwell, he's done flip all to manage his own health in order to step up and support you and be a father, while you've been managing two people's.

He doesn't seem husband and father material. If there is another woman, she's stepping into a mess.

Lean on your mum and those who love
you.

Find out your rights and his responsibilities.

Check out the finances - What's in who's name? Is there a joint account he could empty? I'd take half of it out right now and transfer it into your own account, and if you don't have one, get one. You'll need it to pay bills, buy baby essentials etc.

He'll be having an affair, the bastard. Mine left for his mental health too, my "abuse" caused his poor mental health apparently. Turns out he was sniffing around some woman.

Take as much support as you can get and dont let this overshadow the early days of your child's life. That's my regret.

Let me guess, his mental health is soothed by putting his penis in another woman? The script is a thing. Its happened so many times and he is useless.

Edited to add - it happened to me too. I was so moany, and awful that his mental health was affected. He had to escape and he just happened to land face down on another woman. It didn't stop him taking everything I had left of my own sanity whilst he lied, dithered and cried for 3 months until he finally left after a big shove from me. He refuses to speak to me at all now because I am 'a horrible stalker'.

The 'mental breakdown' he produced when I caught him was quite something. I've seen more convincing tears from a tiny tears doll.

I hope you are doing OK with baby and have some support other than him.

I didn't say she did assume that. I said that she ended up in that thought because a whole load of anonymous strangers told her it was true without any evidence. He was seen with someone he works with that he bumped into outside work. Like that never happens? Perhaps she would be better getting "support" and not wildly made up narratives?

My stbxh did this and he was having an affair. Ds was just over a year old and I was devastated. It wasn't what I had wanted for my son and our family but I've made it work and I'm doing really well with a new house, job etc but there was a lot of loss and grief along the way and I used counselling and exercise to support my own wellbeing. IF that's what it is, then you will be okay.

If its not then he needs to be actively seeking support independently. You can't do this all for him and you can't fix him. He needs to fix himself so he can step up for his family again. I also wouldn't have him alone with dc until he is availing of regular support if his mental health is as bad as he's saying it is. Your little one is still very wee and vulnerable to be cared for by a parent who's in crisis and who is not yet receiving support. In the meantime use your support network and get your wagons circled. If he does come back to you later, it will be on him to rebuild your trust so you know he's not going to down tools and disappear when things get hard. You deserve a partner who's prepared to be in the thick of things with you when the chips are down. His reasons may be valid but his actions have been poor.

Are you able to do a bit of digging into things to see if anything has been going on in the background.

Walking out on a 3month old is terrible.

He might not be having an affair, he might be. But reckon he has clocked what his life is going to look like for the next 18 years and wants out.

OP given your updates I think it's fairly obvious hes having an affair and wants to leave but also wanted a cowards way out. Dont let him lie or mess you about anymore and dont bury your head in the sand.

"I always believe everything he says but I’m starting to think he’s pulling the wool over my eyes."

He is.

Sorry, affair. I could have written this. ExH and I broke up when our daughter was 2 months old. Having an affair with neighbour who was a very close friend of mine. He is struggling with his mental health because of guilt and pressure, all of his own doing. I'm sorry.

This sounds like he's having an affair or wants to have one with this woman.

If he has genuine mental health issues and goes to a doctor to get help then fine, you could allow him to have some time to sort himself out etc. and perhaps then continue the marriage.

But, with the added information about the other woman and being at her house etc and the excuses/lies, this adds another dimension to it and I think that, hard as it is, you should now start considering a divorce and how the future will look without him.

Spot on

Very sorry but last time I heard of someone else doing this just after the birth of a baby he actually had a new woman in his life. A few years later he did the same thing to her as well.

I agree with this. If he leaves you at the hardest time of your life, when you're post-natal with a newborn, he will never be supportive as a husband. He's not even being a loving father, despite having none of the responsibility of his child.

I'm so sorry @Woos0093 but I think regardless of why he's doing it (depression or another woman) that you need to take back control of your life and tell him you don't want him back.

It'll kill you emotionally for now. It's heart breaking, I know. BUT it will get easier. Lean on your mum. She'll be ten times the support he would have been anyway.

It sounds as though he’s not adjusting to the demands of parenting a new baby, and he wants a more single life. Whether that also involves another woman or not who can tell, bur sounds like he rather you did most of the parenting and he can spend some time with the baby around a more single lifestyle.

This.

It’s probably time to ask him a few questions. Does he feel suicidal? Is he having g dark thoughts? Can he explain the extent of his depression? All on text or WhatsApp and screen shot the answers and keep as evidence. It’s a shame he had turned out to be a waste of space op, but you have to protect your baby now - and leaving someone in charge of a tiny baby is a big deal. Should he come after full or partial custody.

You can argue his mh isn’t up to the job of parenting, and he abandoned you both. These things will help you in the future. So keep everything as evidence so you can keep your baby safe.

Yes it’s a shock but you need to plan for when that wears off